“Don’t worry, a sense of utter hopelessness is business as usual for these tall fellows!” said Brunt cheerily, ensuring that no onlookers connected the dots between the giraffes’ run-down enclosure and their subdued demeanor. “They feel exactly the same when they’re roaming the plains of the savannah.”

“Nope, no need to worry about these big boys experiencing the nagging feeling that something is missing from their lives that they are forever unable to name,” added Brunt, as one giraffe struggled to muster the energy to even stick out its giant purple tongue. “That melancholic nature is just hard-wired into their DNA.”

At press time, Brunt was explaining that the zoo’s chimpanzees actually really enjoy the ambient noise of the I-95.