In a classic elbow-knock-off-the-table move, the beloved Hourglass Café was shattered, leaving the lower level of Faunce House covered with several tons of sand.

"I watched the whole thing happen as if it were in slow motion," said one shocked bystander.

"The guy turned around to say hi to someone, and just barely knocked the café hard enough for it to fall."

The offender, Sean Gordon '10, was found in tears when Brown Noser reporters arrived at the scene. Although reporters tried to conduct an interview, Gordon was almost unintelligible through his hysterics. The only phrase that reporters could identify was one that Gordon seemed to keep repeating: "I'm never gonna' get laid."

Indeed, Gordon's chances of fornication may be greatly reduced due to this incident. In a Brown Noser poll taken last year, 74% of undergraduate females said they were less likely to engage in sexual activity with someone who had destroyed a University coffee house. Even more grim, 48% percent of those women said they would definitely not engage in sexual activity with someone who had destroyed a University coffee house if it involved sand.

Gordon's consequences include a $20,000 fine from the University, an official letter of apology to the administration, and virginity for the next
4 years.