I went into a pizza place the other day to order a slice, and the off-the-boat yop behind the counter was ignoring me. So, to get his attention, I yelled, "Hey, you greasy-chested F-Talian, what does a full-blooded American have to do to get a slice of pizza around here?" He just stared at me blankly. For a moment, I didn't think he spoke English, so I got ready to ask the question again in a louder tone. However, finally, he answered that he was from some ridiculous country called Montenegro. I had no idea he was an African. Otherwise I would have called him something completely different.

I've taken to studying geography recently in an attempt to use my racial slurs more effectively. It isn't working out all that great, however. Did you know that there are over ten countries in the world? And what the hell happened to the Soviet Union? Now there are a whole mess of weakling, God-forsaken countries there. Estonia? Belarus? I thought Uzbekistan was where Borat was from. How am I supposed to keep them all straight? I do ten country flashcards every night now before I go to bed, complete with corresponding stereotype. You hear that, Lithuanians? Hairy forearms! Yeah, that's right. I got your number.

As far as I'm concerned, if these bucket-brained non-whites are going to insist on being so diverse, then they'll have to be more different. Minorities have an awful tendency of assimilating to American culture over the generations. They need to maintain their traditional practices and beliefs. They can't let their racial identities die in the face of western civilization. Otherwise, how would I discriminate against them?