Andrew's articles
Sources indicate that in a wonderfully satisfying series of events Tuesday, Matthew Reynolds '13 punched a dolphin. "It was terrific," commented Reynolds. "I got it square in the mouth. Or beak. Or whatever. I'm not exactly up to date on my dolphin anatomy.
Students and faculty alike have started to issue complaints against Associate Professor of History John Rothstein for "never shutting up about his damn penis." According to reports, Rothstein frequently mentions his own anatomy during lecture, even going so far as to give it historically themed nicknames such as "General Sherman," "The Republican Party" and "How Southern white notions of paternalism didn't match the reality of the slave-owning South.
In an email sent to the Brown student body last Tuesday, President Ruth Simmons explained the historic and controversial decision, writing, "The month of February has a rich and colorful cultural legacy that begs - nay, requires - us to celebrate. There are so many days that go unrecognized: the 5th, the 6th, the 7th, and how could we forget the 8th?"
Debate on the topic began several weeks ago when the University's chapter of Students for a Democratic Society took up the cause.
The majority of James Berg's '11 adult life has been plagued by a shameful, tiny attribute: his '92 sea-green Geo Metro. Among his many ploys to draw attention away from this embarrassing secret, such as moustaches, funny hats and cleverly-shaped sideburns, Berg has mainly relied on his monstrous penis.
A recent Morning Mail snafu has led to a new university-sponsored "Advisor Instant Massage" program, leaving students, faculty, and heavily-armed Swedish men in complete confusion.
Despite setting a season record in rushing yards and giving up zero interceptions, starting quarterback Michael Lebowski '11 simply cannot seem to score a touchdown on any of his exams.
According to unqualified and conveniently anonymous sources, student Jake Dylan is exhibiting "odd behavior, which people do not normally exhibit, by virtue of its oddness."
Moriarto hit ball very far indeed.
The bereaved gathered at the First Baptist Church on Saturday to mourn the loss of beloved friend, neighbor, and family member Seymour Wilkins, who recently went “on a totally awesome vacation!”
“At least, that’s what my mommy says,” said Bobby Stern, age “this many.” “It was more of a celebration of his life than anything else,” said Mommy, Bobby’s mother.
While acquainting themselves with Brown campus and with their fellow classmates is proving to be a daunting task for most first-years, one freshman is quickly emerging as the one whom everyone is talking about: Keeney resident Berg.
Jake Berg '14.
"How was I to know they'd make it?" Robert Stevenson '12 asked vexedly.
Every year, Brown students invite friends and acquaintances from hometowns, study abroad experiences, and long, awkward bus rides through Connecticut. Most of these invitations, though, are turned down or politely ignored.
A recent poll shows that a majority of students believe Sean Quigley '10 - head of the campus Republicans, prominent Brown Daily Herald columnist, and Medieval English history aficionado - is "quite well adjusted" for being an 18th century time traveler. This surprising result came in at a whopping 78%, ahead of such other polled answers as "very unimportant" (43%), "somewhat attractive" (23%), and "think it should be changed to 'Fall Weekend'" (16%).
During a special session last week, Congress voted unanimously to declare a thumb war against Liechtenstein. Afterward, Barack Obama held a press conference, the solemn words of which, pundits are saying, will "ring in the halls of history for centuries to come and ever and ever, like, seriously.
What has been deemed by a Prospect & Meeting spokesperson as the "most astoundingly successful match yet, by default, we guess," began innocently enough. Mitch Henderson '11 and Gloria Fields '11, best friends since freshmen year, listed each other as "romantic interests" on the website as a joke.
A veritable 'meat wave' is hitting the Brown campus as anticipation mounts for the first annual Ivy Sausage Fest, to be held next weekend. From bratwurst to kielbasa, the excitement is palpable among students who can hardly contain their desire to fit long tubes of hot beef in their expectant mouths.
Whether it be one of those apple-chinned Mexicans or a big knuckled black person, I hate all those who aren't adorned with pure white skin such as mine. However, it isn't as simple as this anymore. No longer do we live in a black and white and brown, and, well, okay, yellow world.
As a Habitat For Humanity project dangled on the brink of disaster last week, an 80s-style montage quite expectedly passed through, leaving a finished house in its wake. More importantly, though, the Brown volunteers spending the semester in Sherman, Illinois learned a valuable lesson: that words like "nerd" and "jock" are meaningless, and that all that matters is that you believe in yourself.
A lunchtime catastrophe not seen since the infamous 'Eggplant Breakfast Scare of 2004' occurred last Tuesday when George Crinopoli '11, without the slightest provocation, challenged well-known Sharpe Refectory employee José to a card flip-off.
According to University folklore, a card flip-off had not previously occurred since the riots of 1853, when Thaddeus Arthur 1856 engaged in combat with John Hay archivist Josiah "Mutton Chops" Cleveland.
Students of Professor Joshua Zimbinski's VA 10: "Studio Foundation" class reportedly grew irate Wednesday when classmate Robert Parks '11 destroyed their projects in the name of "artistic expression." "It was a performance piece," explained Parks. "I was representing through action the engulfing rage and envy that burns in the furthest depths of my soul.
Students across campus cower in fear of an insidious monster who threatens every facet of humor, from irony to slapstick. Like a bright flower scorched to ashes by a flash fire, great points of comedy instantly fall flat at this man's feet. This mysterious figure is known only as the Joke Assassin.
Brown University has received much media attention over past weeks as a result of one student, who some are hailing as the greatest hero in race relations history since that father character on Diff'rent Strokes. After months of research, background checks, data compilation, and bitter debate, Ronald Daggert '11 has been confirmed as having the most black friends per capita in all of the United States.
In response to recent student complaints concerning their policy change, the Committee for Brown Morning Mail has decided to announce every single event that occurs on campus. "Large and small, from celebrity guest lectures to your friend's stupid themed dorm parties, we'll advertise it," said Morning Mail Chair, Matthew Boardman '09.
The nation's First Canine, Ms. Liberty Bell, recently invited the Brown Noser to her palatial estate on the White House front lawn for a special one-on-one interview. Unfortunately, before the interview had even begun, there was an incident involving the photographer becoming stuck in the doggy door.
According to sources, students were "let down" by the "languid" stride of this semester's Naked Donut Run. "I was quite dismayed," said Gregory Sumple '11. "I wanted to witness running. Heck, a jog or even a brisk walk would have sufficed. This wasn't even close though.
What began as a normal Thanksgiving dinner for the Swanson family ended in shouts of explosive anger, as Grandma Swanson was repeatedly ordered to cease her usually ignored racist antics. "It got ugly," commented Papa Swanson.
Fifteen-year-old Jimmy Swanson concurred with his father's statement.
People blow everything out of proportion these days. They are just way too sensitive and it is a tragic result of this age of comfort. The power goes out, and there are riots in the streets. The stock market takes a tumble, and people stash money under their mattresses.
The Thomas J. Watson, Sr., Center for Information Technology (CIT) will be shut down next week while the university performs construction on long-standing Professor Andy van Dam. The university suspects that the project may take one to three months. "We just can't tell at the moment how long it'll be until we can get things back up and running," said Construction Manager Ted Foreman.
The relationship between Derek Jennings '11 and his longtime trusted companion and personal wet nurse Sally Davis is reportedly becoming "frayed and awkward." Sources close to Jennings say that the pair's dynamic began to change soon after Jennings transferred to Brown in January.
NASA Director Robert Johnson made a formal address Tuesday describing the "dark, cold, endless void in [his] chest where [his] heart previously was". "I speak on behalf of the entire administration when I say with great despondence that outer space just isn't the same without communists," Johnson stated at a press conference held earlier this week.
Several weeks ago I was assigned to read various sections from the New Testament in a Religious Studies course. There is usually a good amount of reading, but this didn't seem too daunting. I was rather looking forward to the assignment, anyway. I had glanced over the Bible several times in the past, but I had never had the opportunity to truly examine it.
Freshman Zachary Bevilacqua was reportedly "distraught" Thursday evening when he discovered that his can of Axe Body Spray had been depleted.
Partly Cloudy, 64°
