“This pandemic minigame is getting way too easy,” President Trump complained, tossing away the tablet his aides gave him to see the latest COVID-19 statistics. “It’s like I beat my high score every day without even trying. Lame! Give me something more challenging.”

“This whole presidency thing was sort of fun at the start of the pandemic when we were still rising through the leaderboards,” Trump lamented, crossing his arms as he stared dejectedly at a graph showing the U.S. topping the world in COVID-19 cases and deaths. “But now none of the other players even stand a chance at beating us. Where are the stakes? I’m done with this stupid easy game.”

At press time, the President typed “ASS” as his initials as he recorded yet another weekly high score.