After stating an opinion so common that it’s almost fact, Caroline Miller ’22 came forward yesterday with an apology.
“I’m sorry, but that’s just what I think,” Miller said in a self-serving effort to quash the nonexistent crowd of dissenters.
Realizing that his job just isn’t as fun as it used to be, President Donald Trump is reportedly bored of the Presidency now that he has repeatedly beat the COVID-19 High Score.
“This pandemic minigame is getting way too easy,” President Trump complained, tossing away the tablet his aides gave him to see the latest COVID-19 statistics.
After three weeks of living undercover inside an enormous two-horse person costume, horses Sandalwood and Sugarbush have discovered that they are not actually sure how to leverage this to their advantage.
Initially motivated by the prospect of participating illegally in human track and field events, both horses soon realized that racing humans isn’t made any easier if you are two four-legged horses restricted to hopping inside a suit mimicking the bipedal structure of a human man.
Airport employee Sarah Mendel reports that she spends her whole day fantasizing about hopping on the luggage carousel.
“I know it’s crazy but I just can’t stop thinking about it,” a wistful Mendel explained. “It’s just always there, humming away behind me.
Parents at the Roger Williams Playground report that a passing fire truck has sent the local children into a euphoric frenzy.
“When I heard the first scream, I was pretty alarmed,” reported neighborhood father, Jack Glaser. “But I quickly realized it was just this one 8 year old boy by the fence who was freaking out over a fire truck.
On Wednesday morning, the NFL released the highly anticipated results of a landmark 10-year study into concussion rates, definitively concluding that regular people can get concussions too.
“The evidence clearly indicates that all sorts of people can get concussions, including doctors, lawyers, post office workers, and even artists,” explained NFL commissioner Roger Goodell, who argued that professional football players are not the only individuals capable of sustaining traumatic brain injuries.
Sources report that local dad Patrick Sencer, while talking to guests at his recent family BBQ and wielding tongs, was experiencing a massive power trip.
“He’s usually nothing like this,” explained Linda Sencer as her husband schooled the neighborhood children on proper burger flipping technique.
Watching someone kick a soccer ball way over the head of the person they were passing to, junior Shannon Richie reported that, even though there were tons of people playing sports on The Main Green, no one was that good.
“The people playing Frisbee in the middle look like they’re having a blast but I haven’t seen a single one catch it,” continued Richie.
Sources report that local man Al Nicco, who wears shorts even when it’s snowing, must be a tough and rugged individual.
Nicco, who has never been sighted wearing long pants in the winter, has been touted by strangers as a shining example of resilience and self-reliance.
According to members of the Pawtucket rec basketball team the Wolves, sixth-grader Joey Lambros thinks he’s hot shit ever since he left them to play on a travel team.
“All Joey talks about at recess anymore is his new team,” said Wolves member Richie Graff, “It’s all ‘My travel team this and my travel team that’ with him.
Citing the fact that manhunt is played at night which infinitely raises the stakes, the nation’s seventh graders report that manhunt is way different and way cooler than hide-and-seek.
“Hide-and-seek is for kids,” asserted the nation’s seventh graders, appalled that the comparison between the two games would be so ignorantly drawn.
Sources close to third grader Tyler Jones report that it was ultimately the promise of a team pizza party at the end of the year that got the Little League free agent to join The Robins of the Newport Youth Little League.
“A lot of coaches have had their eye on him ever since he was just an up-and-comer in the local tee ball leagues,” said Mr.
Despite his popularity with unwitting fans and players, it appeared in Sunday night’s game that Orlando Magic mascot “Stuff the Magic Dragon” was actually just a dehydrated man trapped inside a hideous green costume, sources report.
“After the first quarter, Stuff woke everyone up by shooting free water bottles into the crowd out of a cannon normally reserved for T-shirts," explained center Bismack Biyombo, not realizing that a note for help was hidden inside each bottle.
Hoping to keep fans entertained at Friday’s hockey game at the University of Michigan, Zamboni operator Tom Henley performed nearly five minutes of tricks at halftime.
Wowing fans with his combination of technical skill and an innate sense of showmanship, Henley offered the audience an array of moves including a McTwist, a Fender Grab, and three ollies.
After every shift watching over the pool in the Katherine Moran Coleman Aquatic Center, freshman lifeguard Cole Strauss has to remove the bodies of swimmers who drowned during the day.
“It’s not my favorite, but retrieving the bodies of people who drowned while we watched is just something rookie guards have to do,” Strauss said after hauling the corpse of a local man to a dumpster behind his lifeguard stand.
In an effort to appeal to broader audiences, Yankee Stadium introduced a sad new breakup jumbotron during Friday’s game against the Boston Red Sox. Similar in nature to the popular “kiss cam,” the stadium’s new breakup camera pans over sad-looking couples, giving them the opportunity to cut ties with each other in front of thousands of baseball fans.
Laughing giddily as he swung his legs back and forth in the air, local lifeguard Lancey Montapicho screamed out that he loved his special chair.
“It’s tall, white, and mine!” Montapicho excitedly told the ocean, lovingly repositioning the towel draped over the back of his special chair so his back would not get too warm.
Saying that he was looking forward to the summer months in particular, Houston Texans quarterback Brian Hoyer reportedly plans to use the offseason to rest his body and recover from the horrible brain injuries he sustained over the course of the season. Hoyer plans to take a few weeks off before he begins his offseason workout program, saying that he figures that’ll be enough to let the bruises heal and halt his memory’s inexorable decay.
Smiling ear to ear, 9-year-old Tyler Fenn was fortunate enough to catch an errant javelin thrown by Trinidadian gold-medalist Keshorn Walcott. Fenn managed to snag the deadly weapon, which was hurtling towards the crowd at 70 miles an hour, from the air without being impaled or incurring serious injury.
Diving to stop a shot on goal from knocking over any of his things, FC Dallas keeper Lloyd Casey has clearly been living and sleeping in his soccer team’s goal.
Sources indicate that Casey, who frequently shows up to practice wearing the same grass-stained uniform from yesterday, refuses to acknowledge that he has nowhere else to go and is keeping a two-burner stove, toiletries, and books in the net so he can live there.
Sources confirm that the personal trainer to local personal trainer, Mitchell Kramer, is nearly a giant. Reportedly, Kramer spent months searching for a personal trainer before finding the only one who was big enough to train one who trains others.
Kramer claimed that he had given up hope that he would ever find a suitable personal trainer until he discovered the behemoth.
Saying that they found it a little unfair, players for the New England Patriots told reporters they were frustrated that head coach Bill Belichick was starting his son Brian at quarterback this season.
Players complained to reporters that they think the only reason Brian gets to play QB this season is that his dad is the coach.
Last week, the team and family of San Antonio Spurs coach Gregg Popovich were shocked and saddened to learn that their beloved coach and mentor was now a fully mature blue Indian peacock.
The news reportedly came as a big surprise to Popovich’s players, not just because they were upset by his recent diagnosis, but also because they had not known a person could turn into a peacock.
Noting that they’d maybe each learned something about fairness and mutual respect, New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady and Los Angeles Lakers shooting guard Kobe Bryant traded bodies last week in a super weird parable probably about sportsmanship, sources confirmed.
Responding to continuing demonstrations in the wake of the unlawful shooting and killing of unarmed black teenager Michael Brown by a white police officer, Ferguson Police Chief Tom Jackson urged protesters to take a couple hours to re-watch “Remember The Titans” and think about all that football team had to overcome.
Following over two decades of difficulty with the regulation of performance-enhancing drugs like steroids and human growth hormone, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced today that the league would place an asterisk next to the very idea of playing the sport of baseball in the 21st century.
After making a questionable call during the third quarter of last night’s Heat-Spurs matchup, NBA Referee Tom Jenkins was too embarrassed to admit that he did in fact forget his glasses at home.
Audiences across America were surprised Thursday to find that “The Perfect Game,” which follows fictional Minor League team The Frankfort Beagles through a turbulent season, was not only concerned with America’s favorite pastime, but also featured characters who love and hurt just like the rest of us.
A slowly increasing crowd at Tenney Community Ice Rink reports that that figure skater still hasn’t fucking fallen over yet. Jesus Christ.
The figure skater, whose name is unknown but whom sources describe as, “too nimble and graceful for her own good, ugh,” has as of press time been on the ice for over three hours and shows no signs of stopping.
The soon-to-be-determined World Series champion will next week face the Little League World Series champion to determine who is truly the Ultimate Baseball Champion.
“We really showed those kids from Saipan in the LLWS last week,” said Bulldogs coach Harvey Bigelow.