Friday, July 21, 2017
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The Brown Noser

Rocknell Beed

Sportswriter, Skirt-Chaser, Gadabout

Rocknell's articles

Little League Free Agent Wooed By Promise Of Team Pizza Party At End Of The Year | Apr 21 2017

Sources close to third grader Tyler Jones report that it was ultimately the promise of a team pizza party at the end of the year that got the Little League free agent to join The Robins of the Newport Youth Little League. “A lot of coaches have had their eye on him ever since he was just an up-and-comer in the local tee ball leagues,” said Mr.

Basketball Mascot’s Frantic Gestures Actually A Cry For Help From Man Trapped Inside | Mar 17 2017

Despite his popularity with unwitting fans and players, it appeared in Sunday night’s game that Orlando Magic mascot “Stuff the Magic Dragon” was actually just a dehydrated man trapped inside a hideous green costume, sources report. “After the first quarter, Stuff woke everyone up by shooting free water bottles into the crowd out of a cannon normally reserved for T-shirts," explained center Bismack Biyombo, not realizing that a note for help was hidden inside each bottle.

Zamboni Driver Wows Audience With Wheelie At Halftime | Dec 09 2016

Hoping to keep fans entertained at Friday’s hockey game at the University of Michigan, Zamboni operator Tom Henley performed nearly five minutes of tricks at halftime. Wowing fans with his combination of technical skill and an innate sense of showmanship, Henley offered the audience an array of moves including a McTwist, a Fender Grab, and three ollies.

Rookie Lifeguard Has to Remove Dead Bodies From Pool | Nov 04 2016

After every shift watching over the pool in the Katherine Moran Coleman Aquatic Center, freshman lifeguard Cole Strauss has to remove the bodies of swimmers who drowned during the day. “It’s not my favorite, but retrieving the bodies of people who drowned while we watched is just something rookie guards have to do,” Strauss said after hauling the corpse of a local man to a dumpster behind his lifeguard stand.

Yankee Stadium Introduces Sad New Breakup Jumbotron | Sep 16 2016

In an effort to appeal to broader audiences, Yankee Stadium introduced a sad new breakup jumbotron during Friday’s game against the Boston Red Sox. Similar in nature to the popular “kiss cam,” the stadium’s new breakup camera pans over sad-looking couples, giving them the opportunity to cut ties with each other in front of thousands of baseball fans.

Lifeguard Loves His Special Chair | Apr 29 2016

Laughing giddily as he swung his legs back and forth in the air, local lifeguard Lancey Montapicho screamed out that he loved his special chair. “It’s tall, white, and mine!” Montapicho excitedly told the ocean, lovingly repositioning the towel draped over the back of his special chair so his back would not get too warm.

NFL Player Plans To Use Offseason To Rest Up And Recover From Debilitating Brain Injury | Mar 11 2016

Saying that he was looking forward to the summer months in particular, Houston Texans quarterback Brian Hoyer reportedly plans to use the offseason to rest his body and recover from the horrible brain injuries he sustained over the course of the season. Hoyer plans to take a few weeks off before he begins his offseason workout program, saying that he figures that’ll be enough to let the bruises heal and halt his memory’s inexorable decay.

Lucky Kid Catches Javelin At Olympics | Dec 04 2015

Smiling ear to ear, 9-year-old Tyler Fenn was fortunate enough to catch an errant javelin thrown by Trinidadian gold-medalist Keshorn Walcott. Fenn managed to snag the deadly weapon, which was hurtling towards the crowd at 70 miles an hour, from the air without being impaled or incurring serious injury.

Soccer Goalie Has Clearly Been Living In The Goal | Oct 30 2015

Diving to stop a shot on goal from knocking over any of his things, FC Dallas keeper Lloyd Casey has clearly been living and sleeping in his soccer team’s goal. Sources indicate that Casey, who frequently shows up to practice wearing the same grass-stained uniform from yesterday, refuses to acknowledge that he has nowhere else to go and is keeping a two-burner stove, toiletries, and books in the net so he can live there.

Personal Trainer's Personal Trainer The Biggest Man | Oct 06 2015

Sources confirm that the personal trainer to local personal trainer, Mitchell Kramer, is nearly a giant. Reportedly, Kramer spent months searching for a personal trainer before finding the only one who was big enough to train one who trains others. Kramer claimed that he had given up hope that he would ever find a suitable personal trainer until he discovered the behemoth.

Patriots Players Annoyed Belichick's Son Gets To Play Quarterback This Season | Apr 24 2015

Saying that they found it a little unfair, players for the New England Patriots told reporters they were frustrated that head coach Bill Belichick was starting his son Brian at quarterback this season. Players complained to reporters that they think the only reason Brian gets to play QB this season is that his dad is the coach.

NBA Coach Tragically Turns Into Peacock | Mar 06 2015

Last week, the team and family of San Antonio Spurs coach Gregg Popovich were shocked and saddened to learn that their beloved coach and mentor was now a fully mature blue Indian peacock. The news reportedly came as a big surprise to Popovich’s players, not just because they were upset by his recent diagnosis, but also because they had not known a person could turn into a peacock.

Tom Brady, Kobe Bryant Trade Bodies In What Must Be Some Weird Parable About Sportsmanship | Dec 05 2014

Noting that they’d maybe each learned something about fairness and mutual respect, New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady and Los Angeles Lakers shooting guard Kobe Bryant traded bodies last week in a super weird parable probably about sportsmanship, sources confirmed.

Ferguson Police Chief Urges Protesters To Rewatch "Remember The Titans" | Dec 03 2014

Responding to continuing demonstrations in the wake of the unlawful shooting and killing of unarmed black teenager Michael Brown by a white police officer, Ferguson Police Chief Tom Jackson urged protesters to take a couple hours to re-watch “Remember The Titans” and think about all that football team had to overcome.

MLB Adds Asterisk To Very Notion Of Baseball In 21st Century | Sep 05 2014

Following over two decades of difficulty with the regulation of performance-enhancing drugs like steroids and human growth hormone, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced today that the league would place an asterisk next to the very idea of playing the sport of baseball in the 21st century.

Ref Too Embarrassed To Admit He Really Did Leave Glasses At Home | Apr 25 2014

After making a questionable call during the third quarter of last night’s Heat-Spurs matchup, NBA Referee Tom Jenkins was too embarrassed to admit that he did in fact forget his glasses at home.

Movie About Baseball Also About Love | Mar 07 2014

Audiences across America were surprised Thursday to find that “The Perfect Game,” which follows fictional Minor League team The Frankfort Beagles through a turbulent season, was not only concerned with America’s favorite pastime, but also featured characters who love and hurt just like the rest of us.

Area Figure Skater Still Hasn't Fucking Fallen Over Yet | Dec 06 2013

A slowly increasing crowd at Tenney Community Ice Rink reports that that figure skater still hasn’t fucking fallen over yet. Jesus Christ. The figure skater, whose name is unknown but whom sources describe as, “too nimble and graceful for her own good, ugh,” has as of press time been on the ice for over three hours and shows no signs of stopping.

World Series Champion To Face Little League World Series Champion For Ultimate Baseball Championship | Oct 27 2013

The soon-to-be-determined World Series champion will next week face the Little League World Series champion to determine who is truly the Ultimate Baseball Champion. “We really showed those kids from Saipan in the LLWS last week,” said Bulldogs coach Harvey Bigelow.