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The Brown Noser

Rocknell Beed

Writer Emeritus

Rocknell's articles

I Might Consider Watching More Owen Wilson Movies If He Stopped Shitting On My Porch | May 03 2024

Owen Wilson just took another shit on my porch, and if he wants me to start watching more of his movies, he might consider stopping doing that. Look, everyone’s talking about all these Owen Wilson movies I need to see, but I’m not gonna start watching them until he stops sneaking onto my porch in the middle of the night and quietly pooping on my doorstep and I’m not afraid to say it.

Medieval Monk Drawing Baby Jesus Clearly Never Saw A Baby Before | Mar 15 2024

Tasked with depicting the Madonna and Child, Monk Bartholow’s drawing is making it obvious that he has never seen a baby before in his entire life. “I have seen so many children,” insisted Bartholow while shading baby Jesus’ swole six pack in a misguided effort to make a more realistic looking infant.

Nation’s Mothers Prepare To Send Valentines To Pathetic Dateless Children | Feb 16 2024

This Valentine’s Day, American mothers nationwide prepared to send heartfelt messages to lift the spirits of their pathetic, dateless children. “Roses are red, violets are blue, this Valentine’s Day, I sure do love you!” read a CVS-brand card from Theresa Smith that will soon be found in the mailbox of her lame virgin son, Daniel.

French Guy Absolutely Cannot Believe You’ve Never Watched “L’Étrange Et Terrible Aventure De L’Archiduc Et Du Docteur Chevrie Molyneux” | Dec 08 2023

According to the astonished face of a local Frenchman, he absolutely cannot believe you’ve never watched “L’Étrange Et Terrible Aventure De L’Archiduc Et Du Docteur Chevrie Molyneux.” “C’est un affront au cinéma français et à la culture française et j’adore les escargots,” said Pierre Jean Potierre, shocked that you’d also never made the time to watch the absolutely seminal film, De Brûler Et D’être Brûlé Par La Lueur De Tes Yeux Et La Chaleur De Ton Souffle.

Nation In Shock After The Sudden Death Of One Of The Youngest 90 Year Olds In Congress | Oct 27 2023

A devastated nation woke up on Sep 29th, 2023, stunned by the sudden death of one of the youngest 90-year-olds in Congress. “She had so much of her 90s left to live,” noted Senator Charles Grassley of Iowa, still reckoning with the unexpected tragedy.

The White Lotus’ New Season To Offer Glimpse Of Where Brown Students Vacationed Over Break | Feb 18 2023

A trailer for HBO Max’s upcoming season of “The White Lotus” confirms rumors that the new season will take place where Brown University students vacationed over break. “This new season is going to give audiences a glance into the comforts and calamities of the ultra-rich,” explained Mike White, creator of the show, peering over the sea of Brown University baseball caps while on location.

Report: There No Way Bill Clinton Wrote A Word Of This Book | Apr 22 2022

Sources report that there is absolutely no way former president Bill Clinton wrote a word of the paperback thriller The President’s Daughter. “I mean, it’s got his name on the front,” said local book enthusiast David Onek. “But I have a super hard time believing that Bill Clinton sat down and plotted out a high-octane action novel where fictional President Matthew Keating personally leads a Navy SEAL mission to rescue his kidnapped daughter.” Onek also expressed doubt that Clinton could have created the character of Trask Floyd, hardened combat veteran turned wealthy actor and movie director.

Female Bowling Pin Distinguished Via Eyelashes | Feb 04 2022

Patrons of the Rock n’ Bowl bowling alley in Cranston, RI report that a female CGI bowling pin is distinguished from her male counterpart via eyelashes. “When I hit a strike, the score display TV showed a little CGI animation of two bowling pins kissing,” explained casual bowler Lily Kim.

Nation’s Doctors Announce That Circle Thing On Head Is What Gives Them Doctor Powers | Dec 03 2021

A new report from the National League of Doctors has admitted that the circle thing on doctors’ heads is what gives them doctor powers. “After centuries of lying to patients, it’s time to come clean: we doctors are nothing without the big shiny circle,” reported lead spokesperson Dr.

Geologists Announce They Found A Cool Rock By The Lake | Oct 29 2021

Calling the specimen “sick as hell,” geologists at UC Berkley have announced that they found a really cool rock by the lake. “You gotta see this fucking rock, guys,” said lead geological researcher Dr. Thomas Goodwin. “I was hanging out by the lake when I saw something shiny in the sand, and it was this rock.

Biologists Confirm Octopuses Smart, But Like, They Still Octopuses Let’s Not Get Ahead Of Ourselves | Sep 17 2021

A breathtaking new study published in The Journal of Zoological Research demonstrates that all octopus species are remarkably smart, but, like, they’re still octopuses so the word “smart” is relative here. “What we have found in octopuses is a surprising ability to distinguish between shapes and patterns,” said co-author of the study Dr.

Boston Dynamics Engineers Teach Robots To Be Ashamed Of Their Freakish Bodies | Apr 09 2021

A team of engineers at Boston Dynamics has successfully taught the company’s robots to be ashamed of their freakish metal bodies. “Last year we noticed that our bots simply had no shame in regard to the terrifying, dystopian appearances we had given them,” said project leader Ed LeFarge, describing the start of his team’s efforts to instill a deep sense of embarrassment in the nightmarish dog-like robots and the grotesque humanoid robots alike.

“I’m Sorry, But That’s Just What I Think,” Says Person With Entirely Uncontroversial Opinion | Mar 12 2021

After stating an opinion so common that it’s almost fact, Caroline Miller ’22 came forward yesterday with an apology. “I’m sorry, but that’s just what I think,” Miller said in a self-serving effort to quash the nonexistent crowd of dissenters.

Trump Bored Of Presidency After Repeatedly Beating COVID High Score | Sep 25 2020

Realizing that his job just isn’t as fun as it used to be, President Donald Trump is reportedly bored of the Presidency now that he has repeatedly beat the COVID-19 High Score. “This pandemic minigame is getting way too easy,” President Trump complained, tossing away the tablet his aides gave him to see the latest COVID-19 statistics.

Horses In Two-Horse Man Costume Not Sure How To Leverage This To Their Advantage | Apr 19 2019

After three weeks of living undercover inside an enormous two-horse person costume, horses Sandalwood and Sugarbush have discovered that they are not actually sure how to leverage this to their advantage. Initially motivated by the prospect of participating illegally in human track and field events, both horses soon realized that racing humans isn’t made any easier if you are two four-legged horses restricted to hopping inside a suit mimicking the bipedal structure of a human man.

Airport Employee Spends Day Fantasizing About Hopping on Luggage Carousel | Mar 08 2019

Airport employee Sarah Mendel reports that she spends her whole day fantasizing about hopping on the luggage carousel. “I know it’s crazy but I just can’t stop thinking about it,” a wistful Mendel explained. “It’s just always there, humming away behind me.

Playground Driven Into Euphoric Frenzy As Fire Truck Passes By | Dec 07 2018

Parents at the Roger Williams Playground report that a passing fire truck has sent the local children into a euphoric frenzy. “When I heard the first scream, I was pretty alarmed,” reported neighborhood father, Jack Glaser. “But I quickly realized it was just this one 8 year old boy by the fence who was freaking out over a fire truck.

NFL Sponsored Study Concludes That Regular People Can Get Concussions Too | Oct 26 2018

On Wednesday morning, the NFL released the highly anticipated results of a landmark 10-year study into concussion rates, definitively concluding that regular people can get concussions too. “The evidence clearly indicates that all sorts of people can get concussions, including doctors, lawyers, post office workers, and even artists,” explained NFL commissioner Roger Goodell, who argued that professional football players are not the only individuals capable of sustaining traumatic brain injuries.

Dad Wielding Tongs At BBQ On Massive Power Trip | Sep 14 2018

Sources report that local dad Patrick Sencer, while talking to guests at his recent family BBQ and wielding tongs, was experiencing a massive power trip. “He’s usually nothing like this,” explained Linda Sencer as her husband schooled the neighborhood children on proper burger flipping technique.

No One On Main Green That Good At The Sport They’re Playing | Apr 20 2018

Watching someone kick a soccer ball way over the head of the person they were passing to, junior Shannon Richie reported that, even though there were tons of people playing sports on The Main Green, no one was that good. “The people playing Frisbee in the middle look like they’re having a blast but I haven’t seen a single one catch it,” continued Richie.

Guy Wearing Shorts in Snow Must be Tough, Rugged Individual | Mar 09 2018

Sources report that local man Al Nicco, who wears shorts even when it’s snowing, must be a tough and rugged individual. Nicco, who has never been sighted wearing long pants in the winter, has been touted by strangers as a shining example of resilience and self-reliance.

Kid Who Left Rec Basketball Team For Travel Team Thinks He’s Hot Shit All Of A Sudden | Dec 01 2017

According to members of the Pawtucket rec basketball team the Wolves, sixth-grader Joey Lambros thinks he’s hot shit ever since he left them to play on a travel team. “All Joey talks about at recess anymore is his new team,” said Wolves member Richie Graff, “It’s all ‘My travel team this and my travel team that’ with him.

Manhunt Is Way Different And Way Cooler Than Hide-And-Seek, Nation’s Seventh Graders Report | Sep 15 2017

Citing the fact that manhunt is played at night which infinitely raises the stakes, the nation’s seventh graders report that manhunt is way different and way cooler than hide-and-seek. “Hide-and-seek is for kids,” asserted the nation’s seventh graders, appalled that the comparison between the two games would be so ignorantly drawn.

Little League Free Agent Wooed By Promise Of Team Pizza Party At End Of The Year | Apr 21 2017

Sources close to third grader Tyler Jones report that it was ultimately the promise of a team pizza party at the end of the year that got the Little League free agent to join The Robins of the Newport Youth Little League. “A lot of coaches have had their eye on him ever since he was just an up-and-comer in the local tee ball leagues,” said Mr.

Basketball Mascot’s Frantic Gestures Actually A Cry For Help From Man Trapped Inside | Mar 17 2017

Despite his popularity with unwitting fans and players, it appeared in Sunday night’s game that Orlando Magic mascot “Stuff the Magic Dragon” was actually just a dehydrated man trapped inside a hideous green costume, sources report. “After the first quarter, Stuff woke everyone up by shooting free water bottles into the crowd out of a cannon normally reserved for T-shirts," explained center Bismack Biyombo, not realizing that a note for help was hidden inside each bottle.

Zamboni Driver Wows Audience With Wheelie At Halftime | Dec 09 2016

Hoping to keep fans entertained at Friday’s hockey game at the University of Michigan, Zamboni operator Tom Henley performed nearly five minutes of tricks at halftime. Wowing fans with his combination of technical skill and an innate sense of showmanship, Henley offered the audience an array of moves including a McTwist, a Fender Grab, and three ollies.

Rookie Lifeguard Has to Remove Dead Bodies From Pool | Nov 04 2016

After every shift watching over the pool in the Katherine Moran Coleman Aquatic Center, freshman lifeguard Cole Strauss has to remove the bodies of swimmers who drowned during the day. “It’s not my favorite, but retrieving the bodies of people who drowned while we watched is just something rookie guards have to do,” Strauss said after hauling the corpse of a local man to a dumpster behind his lifeguard stand.

Yankee Stadium Introduces Sad New Breakup Jumbotron | Sep 16 2016

In an effort to appeal to broader audiences, Yankee Stadium introduced a sad new breakup jumbotron during Friday’s game against the Boston Red Sox. Similar in nature to the popular “kiss cam,” the stadium’s new breakup camera pans over sad-looking couples, giving them the opportunity to cut ties with each other in front of thousands of baseball fans.

Lifeguard Loves His Special Chair | Apr 29 2016

Laughing giddily as he swung his legs back and forth in the air, local lifeguard Lancey Montapicho screamed out that he loved his special chair. “It’s tall, white, and mine!” Montapicho excitedly told the ocean, lovingly repositioning the towel draped over the back of his special chair so his back would not get too warm.

NFL Player Plans To Use Offseason To Rest Up And Recover From Debilitating Brain Injury | Mar 11 2016

Saying that he was looking forward to the summer months in particular, Houston Texans quarterback Brian Hoyer reportedly plans to use the offseason to rest his body and recover from the horrible brain injuries he sustained over the course of the season. Hoyer plans to take a few weeks off before he begins his offseason workout program, saying that he figures that’ll be enough to let the bruises heal and halt his memory’s inexorable decay.

Lucky Kid Catches Javelin At Olympics | Dec 04 2015

Smiling ear to ear, 9-year-old Tyler Fenn was fortunate enough to catch an errant javelin thrown by Trinidadian gold-medalist Keshorn Walcott. Fenn managed to snag the deadly weapon, which was hurtling towards the crowd at 70 miles an hour, from the air without being impaled or incurring serious injury.

Soccer Goalie Has Clearly Been Living In The Goal | Oct 30 2015

Diving to stop a shot on goal from knocking over any of his things, FC Dallas keeper Lloyd Casey has clearly been living and sleeping in his soccer team’s goal. Sources indicate that Casey, who frequently shows up to practice wearing the same grass-stained uniform from yesterday, refuses to acknowledge that he has nowhere else to go and is keeping a two-burner stove, toiletries, and books in the net so he can live there.

Personal Trainer's Personal Trainer The Biggest Man | Oct 06 2015

Sources confirm that the personal trainer to local personal trainer, Mitchell Kramer, is nearly a giant. Reportedly, Kramer spent months searching for a personal trainer before finding the only one who was big enough to train one who trains others. Kramer claimed that he had given up hope that he would ever find a suitable personal trainer until he discovered the behemoth.

Patriots Players Annoyed Belichick's Son Gets To Play Quarterback This Season | Apr 24 2015

Saying that they found it a little unfair, players for the New England Patriots told reporters they were frustrated that head coach Bill Belichick was starting his son Brian at quarterback this season. Players complained to reporters that they think the only reason Brian gets to play QB this season is that his dad is the coach.

NBA Coach Tragically Turns Into Peacock | Mar 06 2015

Last week, the team and family of San Antonio Spurs coach Gregg Popovich were shocked and saddened to learn that their beloved coach and mentor was now a fully mature blue Indian peacock. The news reportedly came as a big surprise to Popovich’s players, not just because they were upset by his recent diagnosis, but also because they had not known a person could turn into a peacock.

Tom Brady, Kobe Bryant Trade Bodies In What Must Be Some Weird Parable About Sportsmanship | Dec 05 2014

Noting that they’d maybe each learned something about fairness and mutual respect, New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady and Los Angeles Lakers shooting guard Kobe Bryant traded bodies last week in a super weird parable probably about sportsmanship, sources confirmed.

Ferguson Police Chief Urges Protesters To Rewatch "Remember The Titans" | Dec 03 2014

Responding to continuing demonstrations in the wake of the unlawful shooting and killing of unarmed black teenager Michael Brown by a white police officer, Ferguson Police Chief Tom Jackson urged protesters to take a couple hours to re-watch “Remember The Titans” and think about all that football team had to overcome.

MLB Adds Asterisk To Very Notion Of Baseball In 21st Century | Sep 05 2014

Following over two decades of difficulty with the regulation of performance-enhancing drugs like steroids and human growth hormone, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced today that the league would place an asterisk next to the very idea of playing the sport of baseball in the 21st century.

Ref Too Embarrassed To Admit He Really Did Leave Glasses At Home | Apr 25 2014

After making a questionable call during the third quarter of last night’s Heat-Spurs matchup, NBA Referee Tom Jenkins was too embarrassed to admit that he did in fact forget his glasses at home.

Movie About Baseball Also About Love | Mar 07 2014

Audiences across America were surprised Thursday to find that “The Perfect Game,” which follows fictional Minor League team The Frankfort Beagles through a turbulent season, was not only concerned with America’s favorite pastime, but also featured characters who love and hurt just like the rest of us.

Area Figure Skater Still Hasn't Fucking Fallen Over Yet | Dec 06 2013

A slowly increasing crowd at Tenney Community Ice Rink reports that that figure skater still hasn’t fucking fallen over yet. Jesus Christ. The figure skater, whose name is unknown but whom sources describe as, “too nimble and graceful for her own good, ugh,” has as of press time been on the ice for over three hours and shows no signs of stopping.

World Series Champion To Face Little League World Series Champion For Ultimate Baseball Championship | Oct 27 2013

The soon-to-be-determined World Series champion will next week face the Little League World Series champion to determine who is truly the Ultimate Baseball Champion. “We really showed those kids from Saipan in the LLWS last week,” said Bulldogs coach Harvey Bigelow.