Frankly, this dystopian timeline we’ve found ourselves embroiled in is just icing on the cake.

Revisionist history is alive and well, don’t let anyone tell you different. Why, just yesterday, I was reading a textbook account of the Puritan slaveholders’ forcible colonization of the Americas. And do you think it included an African perspective? Do you think it discussed the spacetime rupture created by the raw force of the pilgrims’ racism, which drove us into this dystopian timeline in the first place? It did not.

The Mayflower brought many things to the so-called “New World.” Yes, it brought the Magna Carta-derived principles that would eventually create a democracy for a small subset of the American people. But it also brought racism. It brought slavery, it brought bigotry and it brought the evil Count Magromoth and his sidekick Bigotron. If the Puritans hadn’t embraced racism, if they hadn’t given the Count lab space to conduct his nefarious experiments, well, perhaps the Count would have remained in the distant past where I trapped him after his failed attempt to erase non-Aryans from history.

You’d think that would have been enough to convince those bastards at Bennington to finally grant me tenure.

Our textbooks glorify these settler slaveowners while giving short shrift to Black leaders like Martin Luther King, Jr. They present King as a safe, nonthreatening preacher, ignoring his radical message of equality and direct action. They describe his death in 1954 from a mysterious massive blunt object, ignoring that this was never supposed to happen, that his death was no accident, that this whole horrific timeline has been orchestrated with Bigotron’s wormhole technology. The true radical antiwar socialist that was Martin Luther King, Jr. has been excised from our textbooks just as surely as he has been exercised from human history.

Looking at this sanitized account of history, we must ask ourselves: have we truly removed racism from our school systems? Of course not! Our schools are more racist than ever, now that the civil rights movement as we knew it has been erased from history, replaced with a more violent strain of black nationalism that only led to further racial division and bloodshed! This is self-evident to anyone who takes the time to educate themselves about the various nodes of the multiverse as they relate to the dynamics of racism. This is the kind of education that our white leaders and Count Magromoth truly fear.

Martin Luther King, Jr. dreamed of a society where minorities are not stopped and frisked at will, where they are not systemically incarcerated, beaten, denied the right to vote, stripped en masse of their citizenship, and forced to work in the Count’s uranium mines that occupy the entirety of the neighborhood once known as the Bronx. This dream has never been realized, but we were much, much closer before the Count created this segregationist timeline.

If you are reading this in one of the few underground rebel publications that have survived the New Confederacy’s purge, I ask for your help. I am attempting to cobble together a rudimentary hyperchronometer using material stolen from the Count’s laboratory, and with any luck we can turn the Count’s racist brand of hubris against him. No amount of revisionist history will help him then. Stay strong.