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The Brown Noser

Boy, I Love Me Some Wednesday Night Bingo by Your RC

By ANONYMOUS
Published Friday, September 3rd, 2010

Hey freshmen, what's crackin'? This whole college deal sure is something else, huh? Living on your own without any parental supervision, picking your own classes, making tons of new friends, managing your own time. And there are so many things to do, places to go, and people to meet! Yessiree, it sure is a hoot!

But if I had to choose my favorite night of the week here at Brown - if you shoved me against a wall, put a gun to my head, a knife to my nuts, and REALLY twisted it out of me - it would definitely be Wednesday. Now, you may have already heard murmurs about some borderline hedonistic mid-week festivities, but let me tell you: my Wednesday nights, well, they just blow all that fishy stuff right out of the water.

Are you ready to hear what goes down on Wednesday nights at Brown?

Are you sure you can handle it?

Alright, alright, I'll spill it. Wednesday is the OFFICIAL night for Brunonian board games. And believe me when I say there are no other Wednesday night activities that could possibly top that.

What's that? You don't believe me? Imagine: Good, clean, family-friendly, vomit-free fun every Wednesday night. Playing board games that don't ever end in me having to call EMS! Fun, sober, and friendly times right here in the dorms, so I don't have to deal with you calling me at 2 a.m. the night before my Orgo test because you need someone to direct your drunk ass along the four fucking blocks back to campus -

I'm sorry, where are my manners?

Back to Wednesday nights - they're awesome! It's not strictly board games, either. We've got Bananagrams, Mahjong, and, if you're feeling feisty, Go Fish! By that I mean the card game, not the popular off-campus nightclub Fish Co. and their weekly Brown students night. You know, the one with the sweaty, claustrophobic clusterfuck of a dance floor where, if you're not trampled, suffocated, groped or otherwise violated, you're likely to be forever scarred by the sight of your least attractive TA working the strip pole. Is that really how you want to spend your motherfucking Wednesday night little freshie? IS IT?

Me neither!

That's why the coolest of the cool cats - and yeah, of course that includes you! - have our Wednesday game nights instead. Why go out and hook up with strangers when you can bond with them over Yahtzee? Why grind on that girl or guy when you can engage them in a game of UNO instead? And can someone PLEASE explain to me how all of you kids derive even a modicum of enjoyment from drowning yourselves in obscene amounts of alcohol and then regurgitating it all - making the Keeney bathrooms even MORE disgusting than they already were in the process - before shuffling over to your 9 a.m. Thursday classes with splitting hangovers in tow?

You know what, fuck it. I don't need this. Be my guest, douchebags - get shitfaced every Wednesday and head down to that repulsive excuse for a club. Oh, and don't forget that fake ID you slapped together in Microsoft Paint and printed out at the fucking Rock.

Just don't run to me next time you've puked all over your carpet and the stranger you brought home is too deep into their alcohol-induced coma to hear you retching. I'll be alone in my room, living it up with my dominoes and backgammon.

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