The Brown Noser

Sports

Brown Equestrian Team Dispatches Hordes Of Mounted Archers Across Campus To Brutally Avenge Varsity Demotion | Sep 25 2020

In a violent act of revenge against the University for revoking their varsity status, the women’s equestrian team unleashed hordes of mounted warriors wielding crossbows and spears across campus. “For our honor!” the heavily armed riders shouted in a vociferous battle cry, rearing their armor-clad horses to trample a crowd of screaming students while shooting flaming arrows through the windows of University Hall.

Couple In Drug Commercial Probably Wouldn't Be Smiling On Tandem Bike If They Could Hear Side Effects | Sep 25 2020

Sources report that the couple seen in a recent ad for Zorgyal, an anti-aging face cream, would probably not be enjoying their tandem bike if they could hear the side effects being narrated as they ride. “Common side effects may include moderate-to-severe gastrointestinal distress, internal bleeding, or even death,” stated a deep voiceover as the foolish couple laughed together in slow motion, clearly unaware of the horrors they were advertising on their carefree bike ride.

Football Team To Finally Achieve Undefeated Season | Sep 25 2020

In light of the cancellation of Ivy League athletic competition, the Brown football team will finally achieve an undefeated season, according to a press release from the athletics department. “We’re excited to mark this momentous undefeated streak,” said head coach James Perry in front of the team’s empty trophy case in the OMAC.

University Cuts Varsity Squash To Expand Funding For Ratty Squash | Sep 25 2020

In a stunning move, Brown University has revoked Varsity status from the men’s and women’s squash teams. The decision was reportedly a necessary financial move to increase the University’s funding towards Ratty squash. “The plan is called the ‘Excellence Initiative’,” stated President Christina Paxson in a schoolwide email.

March Madness Replaced With Indefinite Madness | Apr 24 2020

In light of the spread of COVID-19, the NCAA announced plans to replace its annual March Madness tournament with indefinite madness. “We know fans were all very disappointed last month when we had no choice but to cancel March Madness,” said NCAA President Mark Emmert in a statement released Tuesday.

Sushi Wrangled Into Mouth | Apr 24 2020

Sources report that area man Kenneth Gruber wrangled a piece of sushi into his mouth Thursday evening. “It was a big shrimp tempura roll, so I really had to finagle it to get it down the hatch,” said Gruber, describing how he contorted his face and labored to twist the roll around with his chopsticks in order to make it fit into his straining mouth.

Mario Fan Disappointed To Learn Jumping On Turtles Just Makes Crunchy Noises | Apr 24 2020

Dragging his feet home after a disappointing day in the woods, local eight-year-old Mario fan Kevin Jenkins was crestfallen after learning that jumping on the backs of turtles only makes crunchy noises. “I don’t get it! I thought maybe I wasn’t jumping hard enough, so I jumped extra hard, but that just made louder crunchy noises,” continued Kevin, bummed about his lack of air time from forcefully leaping onto unsuspecting turtles.

Area Man Explains To Girlfriend That Frisbee Is All In The Wrist | Apr 24 2020

Slowly repeating his motions to demonstrate proper form, area man Chris Horton explained to his girlfriend that frisbee is all in the wrist. “All it takes is a little flick of the wrist,” Horton explained, effortlessly tossing the frisbee to his girlfriend.

Synchronized Swimmers All Tie For 1st Place | Apr 24 2020

Every synchronized swimmer at last week’s FINA World Aquatic Showcase in Moscow shared the gold medal, according to reports on the scene. It was decided that each of the swimmers were evenly proficient. Each individual received exactly the same scores in costumes, performance, and creativity.

Area Man Wins Another Conversation | Oct 25 2019

Witnesses reported that local 26-year-old Ethan Ruth has won yet another conversation. Ruth reportedly won by a mile while socializing at a close friend’s birthday party, later claiming that no one even came close to besting him. “Another conversation, another triumph,” Ruth told himself after easily defeating all his conversational partners.