The Brown Noser

Psychic Powers from Hockey Player’s First Concussion Negated by Second Concussion | May 03 2013

A concussion during Friday night’s game granted Vancouver Canucks forward Henrik Sedin awe-inspiring psychic powers, which were then negated by a second concussion shortly afterwards. Sedin’s head was slammed into the boards on a check by San Jose Sharks defender Matt Irwin.

Islamic Militants Trade U.S. Hostage to New England Patriots for Tom Brady | May 03 2013

Looking for a top-line quarterback that could add a bit of grit and experience to a unit that was already clicking as an offense, Islamic militants made the first big-name move in the lead up to yesterday’s Al Qaeda trade deadline. “The way Brady plays the game is something we wanted to try to add, something we identified,” Al Qaeda General Manager Mokhtar Belmokhtar stated.

Entire Team Infects Themselves with Cancer to Support Bald Teammate | May 03 2013

In a moving display of team spirit and friendship, the entire Barrington High School Eagles baseball team revealed to bald shortstop Todd Carpenter that they had infected themselves with various forms of incurable cancers. “When we saw what was happening to you, Todd, we knew we had to step up,” explained chemo-wracked coach Bob Riggle.

In Attempt to Appease Critics, Washington Redskins to Change Name to Washington Chinamen | May 03 2013

In a stunning move, Washington Redskins owner Dan Snyder announced Saturday that the team would change its name from the Washington Redskins to the Washington Chinamen in response to years of protest. “It’s time to bring our team name into the 21st century,” said Snyder.

NHL to Institute New Subterranean Superpenalty Box | Mar 11 2013

In a highly anticipated move by the National Hockey League last week, professional ice rinks will now be required to replace all current open-air penalty boxes with electric superpenalty boxes nestled deep in the Earth’s molten core. “The mineshaft elevator typically takes about 30 minutes to travel from the ice to the submerged punishment bunker,” stated NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman.

NFL to Replace Footballs With Actual Hopes and Dreams of Players | Mar 11 2013

The National Football League announced yesterday that, starting next season, all regulation footballs would be replaced by the actual hopes and dreams of the football players. The players, whose hopes and dreams have been only symbolically at play until now, have had mixed responses to the change.

Beloved Underdogs Could Still Win Championship If They Had Made Playoffs | Mar 11 2013

Jacksonville University football fans were overjoyed to hear yesterday that their beloved squad of underdogs still has a shot at winning the league championship, if the team had been able to make playoffs. Coach Hanson and his team reported being confident in their ability to rise above the expectations that missing playoffs means an end to their season.

After-Hours NBA Press Conference Getting All Existential Again | Dec 07 2012

According to sources inside the newsroom, tonight’s after-hours NBA press conference is getting all existential again. Shortly after losing to the Detroit Pistons, the San Antonio Spurs gathered together to answer questions from the press and speculate on what it all means anyway.

Tony Romo Disappointed in Tony Romo’s Performance on Fantasy Football Team | Dec 07 2012

After watching him perform below NFL.com’s projections for an eighth consecutive week, Dallas Cowboys Quarterback Tony Romo is reportedly frustrated with the performance of his fantasy football quarterback, Dallas Cowboys Quarterback Tony Romo. Citing his fantasy QB’s low yardage total and frequent turnovers, Romo called drafting Romo onto his fantasy team “an enormous mistake.” “Every week it seems like he throws another two interceptions, or loses another fumble,” Romo said, berating the avatar representing his own statistical performance.

San Francisco Giants Revolutionize Baseball with Genius Strategy of Hitting Ball Very Often | Dec 07 2012

The San Francisco Giants succeeded in their bid to win the World Series, pulling a rare four-game sweep of the Detroit Tigers by employing a unique new strategy that had previously never before been considered in baseball: hit the ball, and do it very, very often.

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