Reports indicate that the Crew team is probably gonna lose their shit when they hear about boats that have motors.
“They’re going to go ballistic when they learn that all this rowing could have been avoided with something as simple as an outboard motor,” said David Harper, a local nautical expert.
In the heat of the 2024 baseball season, this team could win the World Series, if it weren’t for their batting, fielding, running, and pitching.
“Well, this team is just a gem,” announced ESPN announcer Hurley McKinnon in the team’s home game against their league rival, boasting a 10-43 win-loss record.
Senior Rachel Abbott announced that she plans on training for next year’s Newport marathon as part of her latest effort to become unpleasant.
“I’ll have to enact a strict training regimen if I truly want to become a displeasing individual,” Abbott said, wearing brand-new running shoes around her apartment in order to become a slightly worse person.
According to sources, David Holloway, a freak of nature who certainly would’ve been driven to the hills in the dark ages, is now averaging a triple-double in his sixth NBA season.
“He’s an absolute goliath who no doubt would’ve been chased into the hinterlands with pitchforks and torches if this were the dark ages,” said Brian Winthrop, a local basketball fan.
In a shocking revelation out of the OMAC this past Wednesday, members of the Brown football team revealed that they are doing the whole thing ironically.
“It’s actually such a good bit that me and the boys came up with one night over some claws,” said quarterback Corm Johnson as he ironically started his hour long full-body warm-up.
In a violent act of revenge against the University for revoking their varsity status, the women’s equestrian team unleashed hordes of mounted warriors wielding crossbows and spears across campus.
“For our honor!” the heavily armed riders shouted in a vociferous battle cry, rearing their armor-clad horses to trample a crowd of screaming students while shooting flaming arrows through the windows of University Hall.
Sources report that the couple seen in a recent ad for Zorgyal, an anti-aging face cream, would probably not be enjoying their tandem bike if they could hear the side effects being narrated as they ride.
“Common side effects may include moderate-to-severe gastrointestinal distress, internal bleeding, or even death,” stated a deep voiceover as the foolish couple laughed together in slow motion, clearly unaware of the horrors they were advertising on their carefree bike ride.
In light of the cancellation of Ivy League athletic competition, the Brown football team will finally achieve an undefeated season, according to a press release from the athletics department.
“We’re excited to mark this momentous undefeated streak,” said head coach James Perry in front of the team’s empty trophy case in the OMAC.
In a stunning move, Brown University has revoked Varsity status from the men’s and women’s squash teams. The decision was reportedly a necessary financial move to increase the University’s funding towards Ratty squash.
“The plan is called the ‘Excellence Initiative’,” stated President Christina Paxson in a schoolwide email.
In light of the spread of COVID-19, the NCAA announced plans to replace its annual March Madness tournament with indefinite madness.
“We know fans were all very disappointed last month when we had no choice but to cancel March Madness,” said NCAA President Mark Emmert in a statement released Tuesday.
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