The Brown Noser

MLB Unveils New Ass Cam To Highlight Players’ Ravishing Buttockses | Mar 14 2025

As teams prepare for the regular season, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred recently announced the debut of an “Ass Cam” to highlight brilliant players’ brilliant buttocks. “Major League Baseball is constantly researching ways to improve the spectator experience.

Soccer Player Receives Chartreuse Card For Mildly Reprehensible Behavior | Feb 07 2025

During the Premier League playoff game between Manchester United and Liverpool FC, one player received a historic yellow-green card for slightly bad behavior during the first half. “At first, I wasn’t sure how to handle the situation,” said professional-league referee Brian Poland, holding the rare card aloft for the cameras, the beautiful vibrancy of chartreuse striking awe and fear into fans of both teams.

Pickleball Player Just In It For The Gentrification | Feb 07 2025

Reports from an up-and-coming neighborhood indicate that Brennan Clark, local pickleball enthusiast, is really just in it for the gentrification. “Yeah, this sport is honestly super boring and kind of a rip-off of tennis,” said Clark, holding his strange little racket.

Sports Gambling Labeled “Public Health Crisis” By Loser Who Can’t Hit Parlay | Feb 07 2025

Sports gambling has been labeled a “public health crisis” thanks to some loser at the CDC who can’t hit a parlay. “It has become clear that new lax regulations surrounding sports gambling have caused millions to latch onto an unhealthy habit,” said the loser, who definitely felt butthurt after losing $1,400 betting stupidly on the NFC Championship, at a press conference.

Mormons Not Allowed To Play Full Court Basketball | Feb 07 2025

According to sources within the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, Mormon missionaries are forbidden from playing full court basketball. “This is because the devil controls fast breaks,” said Tyler Smith, president of a local LDS chapter.

Shitty Gambler Not Even In Debt | Feb 07 2025

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Crew Team Gonna Lose Their Shit When They Hear About Boats With Motors | May 03 2024

Reports indicate that the Crew team is probably gonna lose their shit when they hear about boats that have motors. “They’re going to go ballistic when they learn that all this rowing could have been avoided with something as simple as an outboard motor,” said David Harper, a local nautical expert.

Baseball Team Could Win World Series If It Weren’t For Team’s Batting, Fielding, Running, Pitching | May 03 2024

In the heat of the 2024 baseball season, this team could win the World Series, if it weren’t for their batting, fielding, running, and pitching. “Well, this team is just a gem,” announced ESPN announcer Hurley McKinnon in the team’s home game against their league rival, boasting a 10-43 win-loss record.

Girl Training For Marathon In Latest Effort To Become Unpleasant | May 03 2024

Senior Rachel Abbott announced that she plans on training for next year’s Newport marathon as part of her latest effort to become unpleasant. “I’ll have to enact a strict training regimen if I truly want to become a displeasing individual,” Abbott said, wearing brand-new running shoes around her apartment in order to become a slightly worse person.

Freak Of Nature Who Would’ve Been Driven To The Hills In The Dark Ages Now Averaging Triple-Double | May 03 2024

According to sources, David Holloway, a freak of nature who certainly would’ve been driven to the hills in the dark ages, is now averaging a triple-double in his sixth NBA season. “He’s an absolute goliath who no doubt would’ve been chased into the hinterlands with pitchforks and torches if this were the dark ages,” said Brian Winthrop, a local basketball fan.

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