The Brown Noser

Report: It Really Hard To Tell When Curtain- Themed Play Over | Dec 12 2025

Reports from the Providence Performing Arts Center have indicated that it’s really hard to tell when “Behind the Curtains,” a curtain-themed play, is actually finished. “And that’s curtains everybody!” shouted lead actor Anthony Bridges right before the first intermission of the play.

Japanese Poet Didn’t Do A Haiku For Some Reason | Dec 12 2025

In a shocking new report, Japanese poet Haruchi Furakata didn’t do a haiku for some reason. “I was reading the first line of Furakata’s most recent poem when I encountered the most surprising thing. I got to the fifth syllable, expecting the line to end, but it just kept going up until a whopping eight syllables,” announced Oscar Nottin, who was furiously typing up a complaint email to his library about receiving a misprint of Furakata’s last collection.

British Columbia Actually Neither | Dec 12 2025

Toddler Attributes Feral Behavior to Unhealed Inner Baby | Dec 12 2025

Sources report that area toddler Brandon Gilbert is blaming his wild behavior on his unhealed inner baby. “I’ve long felt as though my younger self was wounded in a way that has caused me to lose my connection with my inner baby at this more advanced age,” explained Gilbert before climbing onto the coffee table, shoving cushions onto the floor, and swatting at his mom with a spoon.

Eulogy Concludes With Jazz Hands | Dec 12 2025

Murmurs from within Miller Cemetery seem to indicate that Bill Hamden’s eulogy ended with jazz hands. “My mother wasn’t always the nicest woman, but she kept it real. She raised me to be the person I am today, and I can’t imagine anyone else raising me like Mom,” choked out Hamden, in a statement that would instantly feel disingenuous the moment the eulogy was over.

Group Of Twenty Students Shocked That Dorm Party They All Pulled Up To Together Is Now Crowded | Oct 31 2025

This weekend, a group of twenty students were shocked that the dorm party they all pulled up to together was suddenly crowded. “I can’t believe it’s so packed in here—I thought this was supposed to be a small, chill thing,” freshman Derek Wiseman shouted while sandwiched between the nineteen friends that he had pregamed with and the dorm room doorframe.

BDH Poll Biased Toward Students Who Aren’t Hurrying to Class | Oct 31 2025

A recently released poll from the Brown Daily Herald was heavily biased toward students who weren’t hurrying to class. “Looking through the data, major statistical discrepancies were found that indicated a wildly inaccurate sample size of students which disproportionately excluded students hurrying to class,” explained Jorge Mendoza, editor of the Herald, in between desperate pleas to students as they walked out of the Ratty.

Joe Biden Still Pulling The Strings | Oct 31 2025

Sources in Washington report that 82-year-old Joe Biden is masterminding the Trump Administration’s current agenda, all from the shadows. “No one in the current admin has any control over the decision-making process,” said an anonymous source known only by the alias, Really Deep Throat.

Report: Stake Through The Heart Also Works On Normal People | Oct 31 2025

Breakthrough research has recently confirmed that a wooden stake through the heart is equally effective against normal people. “After much testing, including recently-approved human trials, we have concluded that this method is effective regardless of vampiric identity,” said Bethany Sorkin, pointing out the remarkable anatomical similarities between vampires who were once human and humans who are still human.

Polycule Gerrymandered | Oct 31 2025

In the wake of partisan redistricting across the nation, a local polycule has reportedly been gerrymandered. “This is a blatant violation of our house’s constitution,” said Mellisa D’amor, minority leader of the nine-person relationship network.

Arts & Culture