This weekend, a group of twenty students were shocked that the dorm party they all pulled up to together was suddenly crowded.
“I can’t believe it’s so packed in here—I thought this was supposed to be a small, chill thing,” freshman Derek Wiseman shouted while sandwiched between the nineteen friends that he had pregamed with and the dorm room doorframe.
A recently released poll from the Brown Daily Herald was heavily biased toward students who weren’t hurrying to class.
“Looking through the data, major statistical discrepancies were found that indicated a wildly inaccurate sample size of students which disproportionately excluded students hurrying to class,” explained Jorge Mendoza, editor of the Herald, in between desperate pleas to students as they walked out of the Ratty.
Sources in Washington report that 82-year-old Joe Biden is masterminding the Trump Administration’s current agenda, all from the shadows.
“No one in the current admin has any control over the decision-making process,” said an anonymous source known only by the alias, Really Deep Throat.
Breakthrough research has recently confirmed that a wooden stake through the heart is equally effective against normal people.
“After much testing, including recently-approved human trials, we have concluded that this method is effective regardless of vampiric identity,” said Bethany Sorkin, pointing out the remarkable anatomical similarities between vampires who were once human and humans who are still human.
In the wake of partisan redistricting across the nation, a local polycule has reportedly been gerrymandered.
“This is a blatant violation of our house’s constitution,” said Mellisa D’amor, minority leader of the nine-person relationship network.
Against all odds, a local wall clock reportedly continues to keep time, stoic and unflinching, despite everything it’s seen.
“I’ve experienced horrors the likes of which you wouldn’t believe,” said the clock, hands trembling at the memory.
Last night, it became increasingly evident that your studying would not dissuade your roommate’s attempt at masturbation.
“Oh, you’ve got a midterm tomorrow? Good luck!” said your roommate Antonio Glebbins, tissue box in hand as he began to unbutton his pants.
Sources confirmed that a depressed student discovered a new hidden study spot this week directly beneath the traffic light between Thayer and Waterman Streets.
“It’s honestly perfect,” said Abigail Soto ’27, sitting cross-legged in a small pothole between the curb and a no-parking sign, balancing her laptop as cars honked inches away.
Last Friday, Juju Jackson ’28 was seen taking her GBF Hunter Brady ’28 on a little stroll around the park.
“We just love getting to gossip and talk about things like techno and Brat. We’re so Brat. This is so Brat,” said Juju as she placed a choke collar leash on her homo honey.
In a steamy scene out of Fox Point last week, the lifelong friendship between Lila Wexler and Mason Tuck proved to be no match for six beers.
“Mason and I have been best friends since kindergarten, and I’ve literally never thought of him as anything other than a friend.
Partly Cloudy, 64°
