The Brown Noser

Arts & Culture

Kanye West Might Be Headed Down The Wrong Path | Mar 14 2025

According to close friends and followers of Kanye West, the rapper could possibly be going down the wrong path. “Yeah, he’s kinda acting a bit weird lately,” said his girlfriend Bianca Censori, folding his new swastika t-shirt and putting it in his top dresser drawer.

Dumb Friend Really Thought Colonel Mustard Committed The Murder In The Billiard Room With The Wrench | Mar 14 2025

Your dumb friend lost a game of Clue by foolishly guessing Colonel Mustard committed the murder in the Billiard Room with the wrench. “You’re actually so dumb,” called out Jordan Hull to his friend who hadn’t thought to utilize a matrix system to record information and make key logical deductions throughout the game.

Hyper-Specific Word Problem Clearly Direct Attack On Student | Mar 14 2025

Sources from Professor Jessie Berridge’s Public Economics class have revealed that their latest midterm contained a hyper-specific word problem that was clearly an attack on a student. “Jon C. is always raising their hand during class and wasting everyone’s time,” stated the word problem just days after a student, Jonathan Carnash, asked a question four times in one class.

Oscars Finally Ready To Award Movie About Trans Experience Because It Directed By Straight Cis White French Man | Feb 07 2025

Sources within the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences report that they are finally ready to award a film about the transgender experience, Emilia Pérez, because it is directed by a straight, cisgender, and white French man. “The Academy has never been as progressive as it is right now,” said president Janet Yang before announcing the all white and almost all male Best Director nominations.

“The Sex Lives Of College Girls” Pretty Accurate Depiction Of Elite New England Colleges, Aside From Whole Sex Lives Part | Feb 07 2025

Sources report that the television series “The Sex Lives Of College Girls” is a remarkably accurate depiction of elite New England colleges, aside from the whole sex lives part. “It’s crazy — it’s like watching my life play out on screen,” stated sophomore Campbell Reed, who certainly has not encountered the same type of men on Brown’s campus that Kimberly Finkle has been hooking up with throughout the show.

Julia Louis-Dreyfus’s 11 Emmy Awards Destroyed In Palisades Fire Along With Normal People’s Homes Or Whatever | Feb 07 2025

Julia Louis-Dreyfus’s 11 Emmys were brutally destroyed in the Palisade fire, and other people probably went through things too. “So many were affected by the fires,” said CNN correspondent Maya Norton, referring to the countless Emmy, Oscar, and Grammy awards now missing from their ornate shelves.

Impractical Jokers “Go Too Far” When Murr Is Commanded To Vigorously Shake Baby | Feb 07 2025

Even the most die-hard Impractical Jokers fans felt that the four TV comedians had “gone too far” when Tonight’s Big Loser James “Murr” Murray was commanded to grab a newborn and shake it as violently as possible. “We really don’t see the problem,” said Impractical Joker Sal Vulcano moments after using an invisible earpiece to command Murr to take a baby out of its crib and shake it as hard as possible in front of a crowd.

Desperate Scooby Doo Villain Pulls Out Gun | Dec 13 2024

Desperate Scooby Doo villain William Earl Von-Badsley reportedly pulled out a gun after being apprehended by the Mystery Gang. “I spent like $90,000 on expensive contraptions, costuming, decor, and I spent countless hours coming up with this crazy story… and for what? For some meddling kids to get in the way? No way am I gonna let that happen,” stated Von-Badsley as he reached into his pocket and pulled out a pistol.

Kidz Bop Just Gonna Give Up After "Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck" Tops Billboard's Hot 100 | Dec 13 2024

Sources from Kidz Bop Studio indicate that Kidz Bop is just going to give up after “Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck” has topped Billboard’s Hot 100. “Love love love love? Hugs hugs hugs hugs? Then I’m gonna suck your… no no no,” said Kidz Bop executive Jeffery Johnson, clearly in a state of panic.

Hobbit With No Practical Skills On Grand Quest Feeling A Little Bit Like Diversity Hire | Dec 13 2024

Sources report a hobbit with no practical skills is starting to feel a bit like the diversity hire on a grand quest. “I’m starting to think they don’t really need me to slay the grand dragon Fordor at the end of our five-year quest,” said Tindle, a four-foot hobbit with no combat, leadership, or medical experience.