The Brown Noser

Arts & Culture

Musical Set In 1950s Features Anachronistic Lack Of Misogyny | Feb 18 2023

Reports indicate that modern musical Against the World features an anachronistic lack of misogyny despite being set in the 1950s. “I mean, at one point in the show the female lead made a decision,” audience member Laura Allens remarked, also perplexed at her lack of cooking ability.

17-Year-Old’s “Top Gun”-Inspired Mustache Looking More Like “That Guy From The 7-Eleven”-Inspired Mustache | Feb 18 2023

According to local sources, 17-year-old Devon McKinley’s Top Gun-Inspired mustache is starting to look more like it was inspired by that guy from the gas station. “I knew it was a mistake to take him to that movie,” said his mother, Christina, watching Devon trim the ends of his patchy, spindly mustache.

Movie Would Be Better If Dog Talked | Feb 18 2023

According to sources, area man Josh Gruff thinks a movie would be better if the dog talked. “I don’t know, there was just something missing,” said Gruff following a viewing of the heart-wrenching new film about abject poverty Triste Pauvreté.

Shitty Cartoon Desert Lacks Lone Skull Placed in Foreground | Feb 18 2023

Sources report that a shitty cartoon desert doesn’t have a lone skull placed in its foreground. “I don’t know how I’m supposed to understand that this desert is a barren, desolate place without an animal skull mixed in with the cacti,” said viewer of the cartoon Murphy Milligan, wondering if the setting depicted was just a sandy parking lot in Las Vegas.

The White Lotus’ New Season To Offer Glimpse Of Where Brown Students Vacationed Over Break | Feb 18 2023

A trailer for HBO Max’s upcoming season of “The White Lotus” confirms rumors that the new season will take place where Brown University students vacationed over break. “This new season is going to give audiences a glance into the comforts and calamities of the ultra-rich,” explained Mike White, creator of the show, peering over the sea of Brown University baseball caps while on location.

Area Man Wondering If Anyone Knows Song He Thinking Of, It Goes Like Bwawawawa, Bow Wow, Flaaaanggg | Oct 31 2022

Sources report area man Greg Shandy has been walking around all day approaching his friends asking if they can tell him the name of the song he’s thinking of; it goes like bwawawa, la la la, flang, flang. “Please please please, I need your help,” pleaded Shandy as he started miming sounds with his body, “it has sort of a bippity boppity melody? No? I think there’s this like post-contemporary mid-century mandolin solo? Agh, it goes sort of like yaooo yao yao yao, boodoobop, slaaaawwoooo!” “Can you google this sound for me?,” begged Shandy to his recoiling friends, “Wham bam bam wham, uh huh baby.

Reslife Replaces Housing Lottery With Direct Appeal To God | Oct 31 2022

In an attempt to streamline a process criticized by students as complex and inefficient, ResLife has announced that they have replaced the housing lottery with a direct appeal to God. “In order to secure housing for the 2023-2024 academic year, all you have to do is pray that it’ll work out,” wrote ResLife president Julie Bloomberg in an email to students.

Area Girl Ignores BeReal Notification Because She Not At Party Yet | Oct 31 2022

Sources report that area girl Sarah Miller is ignoring her BeReal because she’s not yet at a party. “Oh, I got a BeReal notification! I love how this app allows people to share their lives without the fakeness of Instagram and stuff,” said Miller, knowing full well she won’t take her BeReal until surrounded by acquaintances and bathed in colored light.

Student Who “Read An Article On This” Actually Watched TikTok | Oct 31 2022

Despite claiming to have read an article on this, Rodney Wilson has actually just watched a TikTok video. “Here are the top five things I would never try to sneak into Disneyland,” start- ed Wilson to his friends, “according to the New York Times...” “You guys won’t believe these secrets to a flat tummy and a fat dumpy that the Wall Street Journal just published,” he exclaimed to side eyes from his clique, all of whom have become aware of Wilson’s miscrediting “from a registered dietician.” “I’m writing a research paper, and the essay topic is cognitive development from birth to age five,” he explained, “I don’t see how ‘8 Things Bill Gates Did As A Baby’ is irrelevant information, especially when it comes from The Post.” At press time, another student who “loved that book” had actually just seen the movie..

Disney Channel Boyfriends Announce Plans To Wear Shirt On Top Of Other Shirt | Oct 31 2022

Popping kick-flips on their skate- boards before homeroom, TV’s Disney Channel boyfriends recently announced plans to wear a shirt on top of a different shirt. “I was originally just gonna wear one long-sleeved shirt, but then I saw this t- shirt and decided it would be pretty rad if I threw it on top,” said Disney boyfriend Chase Johnson, running a hand through his floppy, dyed-blond hair.