The Brown Noser

The Simpsons Somehow Perfectly Predicts New Season Of The Simpsons | May 12 2023

As viewers comb through the newest season of “The Simpsons,” they’re beginning to realize that the writers somehow perfectly predicted how the new season was going to look. “They predicted the Housing Crash, the Trump Administration, even how my dog was gonna die, but this was unprecedented,” said Simpsons superfan Jeff Jensen, even though The Simpsons has predicted its own content for the past 35 years.

Timothee Chalamet Playing Cigarette Boy Again | May 12 2023

Sources report that Timothee Chalamet is taking on a new role of mysterious cigarette boy in recently released coming-of-age film “The Winds Over Mary’s House.” “I feel like this role really challenged me as an actor, pushing me to dig deeply into a whole new side of myself,” shared Chalamet, who portrays Spike, Mary’s angsty, Marlboro-smoking crush.

Disney Channel Protagonist Declares Inevitability of Barf After Parents Share Single, Chaste Kiss | May 12 2023

In a stunning display of emotional immaturity, Maisie McDoogle, the tween protagonist of the hit Disney show, “Maisie Makes Waves”, proclaimed that she was “totally gonna barf chunks” after her mother and father shared a tight lipped, millisecond long kiss.

Theater Choreographer Has Clearly Never Seen Real Fight | May 12 2023

It is becoming increasingly obvious to audiences that theater choreographer Grace Patton has never seen a real fight. “At first I thought the dance-fighting was supposed to be symbolic,” explained audience member Harry Lin as the actors gestured painedly toward one another from a safe distance.

Classmate’s Summer Internship Too Good To Not Be Nepotism | May 12 2023

Sources report that a classmate’s summer internship is way too good to not be nepotism. “There is absolutely no way Preston landed that internship on his own merit,” divulged first-year Charles Perez, enviously staring at his classmate’s LinkedIn post announcing his summer internship at McKinsey & Company.

Report: Aunt Makes Jewelry Now | Apr 14 2023

After calling her sister, your mom has informed you that Aunt Rose makes jewelry now. “Some of her pieces are really…unique,” stated your mom after Aunt Rose described the beaded labia pendants she was working on. “It’s a lot of copper wire, amethyst, and rope.

Shitty Love Affair Not Even That Torrid | Apr 14 2023

Sources report that shitty love affair is not even that torrid. “They just seem really happy, like they’re always cuddling and holding hands and stuff, but they barely have to deal with warring families or even marital infidelity,” said Meredith Morris, an acquaintance of the happy couple, who was disappointed in their smooth relationship.

“Cocaine Bear” Delivers Sobering Lesson to Bears on the Dangers of Doing Cocaine | Apr 14 2023

Recent blockbuster film “Cocaine Bear” has been a real wake up call to bears around the country. “As a mother, it was really troubling,” said local bear Florence Jenkins. “I mean, a bear, doing cocaine? I had never even considered it. We thought that was human stuff.

Broken Record Doesn’t Love All The Unflattering Comparisons, Actually | Apr 14 2023

Local record Abbey Road by The Beatles, was reportedly quoted earlier today as saying that it was “actually pretty offended” at repeated comparisons to your mother, father, and middle school English teacher. “It’s cool, it’s whatever," said Road after listening to you complaining to your roommate about your mom nagging you to call your aunt.

Femme Fatale Wields Teeniest Tiniest Gun | Apr 14 2023

After an alluring night of illegal inheritance fraud and passionate eye-contact, Randol McShilling reports that the evening took an unexpected turn as femme fatale Ruby Stryker reached into her garter and pulled out the teeniest tiniest gun strapped to her thigh.

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