The Brown Noser

Arts & Culture

Film Critic Claiming Horror Movie Was About Grief Clearly Missed The Scary Monster That Kills People | Mar 15 2024

Recent comments from a film critic about a horror movie’s themes of grief clearly show he missed the scary monster that kills people. “The film expertly delivers a heart-wrenching display of the grief and guilt of losing a loved one,” said film critic Brendon Moutes, completely missing the grotesque, man-devouring swamp monster that the movie was clearly about.

Medieval Monk Drawing Baby Jesus Clearly Never Saw A Baby Before | Mar 15 2024

Tasked with depicting the Madonna and Child, Monk Bartholow’s drawing is making it obvious that he has never seen a baby before in his entire life. “I have seen so many children,” insisted Bartholow while shading baby Jesus’ swole six pack in a misguided effort to make a more realistic looking infant.

Report: Podcast Guest Also Has Podcast | Mar 15 2024

According to the introduction of the most recent episode of the podcast “Crime Ever After,” it sounds like this podcast guest also has their own podcast. “We’re so excited Jessie is here to talk to us today about a story she’s been talking about for a while now,” exclaimed host Abigail Bridges, giving the floor to her guest that episode, who plans to just say all the things she already said on her podcast, again, on this podcast.

Oscars Recovering From Racism With Thoughtfully Selected Sexism | Mar 15 2024

The 2024 Academy Awards have announced a move to recover from a longstanding tradition of racism with thoughtfully selected sexism. “As a top institution in the entertainment industry, we acknowledge the harm that our racist legacy has caused on creators of color throughout history, and we intend to not only fix this injustice but commit another injustice in its place,” said Academy CEO Bill Kramer, encouraging all female creators to be courteously removed from consideration in racial solidarity.

Dad’s Favorite Buddy Comedy Hint At Bisexuality | Feb 16 2024

At Friday’s family movie night, Dad’s enthusiastic screening of his favorite buddy comedy “Hitchhikers” hints that he is probably bisexual. “That kind of close male relationship isn’t heard of these days,” said Dad, longingly fixed on the screen as two queer-coded male leads tussle in a corn field, suggesting Dad could be attracted to men.“Boy do I miss roughin’ it up with the boys like that.

Kings Of Leon Clearly Don’t Understand That Sex On Fire Would Hurt | Dec 08 2023

Grammy Award-winning rock band, Kings Of Leon, clearly don’t seem to get that their 2008 smash hit, “Sex On Fire,” describes an altogether painful and totally unsexy experience. You would need so much lube and, like, fireproof condoms, which are definitely more expensive than regular ones,” local music expert Keely Francis posited, bewildered at the pyrodynamics of the act in question.

Ferris Wheel Ride Kinda Meh, Oh, This Is Kinda Cool, Holy Shit, This Is Incredible, I’ve Seen God’s Face, And He Was Smiling | Dec 08 2023

According to sources, this ferris wheel is just kinda meh, oh, this is actually kinda cool, holy shit, this is incredible, I’ve seen God’s face, and He was smiling. “The ferris wheel looked pretty fun,” said onlooker Caleb Battol despite the ferris wheel actually starting out pretty lame and getting a little bit better before the really, really good part after which I swear I could hear every heart in the universe beating in synchrony, and it sounded like one million harps all being plucked at once.

French Guy Absolutely Cannot Believe You’ve Never Watched “L’Étrange Et Terrible Aventure De L’Archiduc Et Du Docteur Chevrie Molyneux” | Dec 08 2023

According to the astonished face of a local Frenchman, he absolutely cannot believe you’ve never watched “L’Étrange Et Terrible Aventure De L’Archiduc Et Du Docteur Chevrie Molyneux.” “C’est un affront au cinéma français et à la culture française et j’adore les escargots,” said Pierre Jean Potierre, shocked that you’d also never made the time to watch the absolutely seminal film, De Brûler Et D’être Brûlé Par La Lueur De Tes Yeux Et La Chaleur De Ton Souffle.

Nation's Pensive Female Leads Announce Plans To Sit Cross Legged At Bottom Of Pool For A Bit | Dec 08 2023

Just this morning, the Nation’s Female Leads Looking For A Place To Think announced they will be settling alone for a moment at the bottom of the pool. “We just like the way it makes our hair kind of float up in the air,” said Female Lead Jessica Cornswick, slowly and dramatically walking down the pool ladder in all her clothes.

Girl From Hallmark Christmas Movie Realizes She Doesn’t Need Successful Career In New York, She Just Needs Farmer Ed Lovestone | Dec 08 2023

After arriving back home for the holidays, Hallmark Christmas movie protagonist Willow Stevens realized she does not need a successful career in New York City, she just needs farmer Ed Lovestone. “I have been so foolish to think that my executive marketing job in the city was anything close to fulfilling,” said Stevens, daydreaming about mucking out pig stalls hand in hand with her beloved Ed.