The Brown Noser

Opinion

Dear God, Please Make Me Smaller by Shaq | Apr 20 2018

Dear God, First of all I want to thank you. My big, strong body is a wonderful gift. It’s been fun being so big but I am getting tired of it. Please make me smaller. When I was playing basketball, being big was good. I liked being big because it let me dunk on people without trying too hard.

Tony You Knucklehead! You’ve Ruined the Gabagool! | Apr 20 2018

Damn it Tony you knucklehead! What the hell do you think you’re doing? You’ve ruined the gabagool! You gotta be kidding me. The boss is gonna be so mad. His Nonna walked three miles to the Deli to get that gabagool for cousin Vinny’s birthday! Nice going you greasy-fingered jamook! Ah geez Tony, don’t try to fix it yourself! Do you have any idea what even goes into a gabagool you schnook? Flour? What are you gonna do with flour? I’m talkin’ here! You goon, you’ve gone and got flour all over the braciole! What have you got muzzadell for brains? This is the last time Tony.

I’m So Proud Of My Brother For Launching His Tesla Into Orbit, But I’m Stuck In The Trunk And I’m Running Out Of Air By Kimbal Musk | Apr 20 2018

You may know me as one of my brother Elon Musk’s biggest friends, supporters, and partners. I am immensely proud of my brother for launching hist Tesla in to orbit, but I have a problem. I’m stuck in the trunk and running out of air. I hopped into his trunk as a joke.

"Call Me By Your Name" Would Have Been Perfect If Our Director Included The Thirty-Minute Car Chase We Filmed by Timothee Chalamet | Mar 09 2018

It has been the honor of a lifetime to act in a film such as “Call Me By Your Name.” I’m grateful for the incredible experience I had while filming and the incredible reception we have gotten from critics and the public. And I fully believe the film deserves all the praise it’s getting.

Why Do Brown Bears Admirers Posts Keep Getting My Height, Hair, Location, Ethnicity, Clothes, and Name Wrong? | Mar 09 2018

Come on guys. It’s not that hard. I’m not going to going to pay attention to your BBA posts if you can’t get basic facts about my height, hair, location, ethnicity, clothes, and name correct. Adoration can be difficult to express in words. I understand that, truly.

I’m In Your Phone by Steve Jobs’ Ghost | Mar 09 2018

It’s me: Steve Jobs. Just as I innovated during my lifetime by inventing the the iPod, the iPhone, and Mac computers, I’m now innovating in the beyond. I live in your phone. It’s my house now! As I passed from your world to the afterlife, I was frightened.

We Need To Return To Bipartisanship, Like When Republicans And Democrats Bravely Put Aside Their Differences To Kill Hundreds Of Thousands Of Iraqi Civilians | Mar 09 2018

Like many people, I’m tired of the divisiveness that’s so prevalent in our current political climate. Since when has politics been about disagreement and conflict? I want us to go back to when the parties could roll their sleeves up and pass legislation.

I’m Proud of My Grandson for Graduating Middle School, but I’m a Little Conflicted About His Growing Arson Habit | Mar 09 2018

Watching my grandson Jonathan walk across the stage of his middle school graduation last week made me incredibly proud. He is a strong and talented young man, and I know he’ll thrive in high school. That being said, I remain a little troubled by his arson streak.

When I Run Into My Dad At Frat Parties He Pretends We Haven’t Met Before | Mar 09 2018

I love my dad. He’s always been a supportive, loving father, and that didn’t stop when I grew older and went to college. Until now. Recently, I have begun running into my dad at frat parties, and he pretends we haven’t met before. Every time I walk into a party he is already there, ripping a spliff with boys one-third his age before seeing me and introducing himself.

I Know Professor Andy Van Dam Invented Hypertext and Pioneered Computer Graphics, But Why Must We Sacrifice a Lamb Every Fortnight in his Name? | Dec 01 2017

I am well aware that Professor Andries Van Dam is an accomplished man. I know he invented hypertext, constructing the way modern internet users navigate between web pages. I know he wrote, “Computer Graphics: Principles and Practice” which became the “Bible” of the animation industry.

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