The Brown Noser

Opinion

POINT: I Just Feel Like We’re Growing Apart, Jenna, And I Think That’s Okay / COUNTERPOINT: Yeah, No, For Sure, But Before We Have This Discussion, Can You Please Help Me Out Of This Well? | Dec 16 2022

POINT: I know we’ve been together for a long time, but things have changed, Jenna. We’ve changed. We’re a lot older than we were when we started dating, and I’m just not sure this is working anymore. I think we need to learn who we are apart from this relationship, and I think that’s totally normal.

POINT: After Graduation, I’m Going To Take A Year Off To Travel. / COUNTERPOINT: After My Daughter’s Graduation, I’m Paying For Her To Travel | Dec 16 2022

POINT: After Graduation, I’m Going To Take A Year Off To Travel, by Marley Riggs, ‘23 Brown has offered me a world-class education, one which has provided me with an unrivaled global perspective. But while I’ve learned about the world, I’ve yet to really experience it.

I'm Coming To Town And I'm Looking For a Three Bed, Two Bath Townhouse With Space To Entertain by Santa Claus | Dec 16 2022

Ho ho ho! It’s the best time of the year to invest in a retail property, so I’m coming to town and looking for a three bed, two bath townhouse with space to entertain. Just because I can see you when you’re sleeping and know when you’re awake doesn’t mean I know everything there is to know about the Fort Lauderdale housing market, so I’m going to be working with my realtor, Janet, to find a summer home.

Don’t Give Out Jobs Unless You Have Enough for the Whole Class by Lily Cole '23 | Dec 16 2022

Hey, companies and corporations. I hope you are listening. It seems like many of my classmates are being given jobs. I am writing this as a polite reminder not to give out jobs unless you have enough for the whole class. Sure, it’s great fun for the ones who prance around with job offers in hand, but I ask you to please consider how your actions affect everyone else.

If I Had A Dollar For Every Time I Had A Million Dollars I’d Have One Hundred And Seventeen Thousand Five Hundred Dollars By Jeff Bezos | Dec 16 2022

“How do you do it Jeff? How do you work hard enough to make one hundred seventeen billion five hundred million dollars as of December 2022?” That’s what people always ask me, and they’re always so surprised when I tell them, “I don’t work that hard!” and then we laugh and laugh.

No, Honey, You Really Don't Need To Get Me Anything For Christmas This Year by Trish, Your Wife Who Wants A Kitchenaid® Artisan Design Series Blossom Stand | Dec 16 2022

Honey, no, I’m serious, you really don’t have to get me anything for Christmas this year. I know I said that last year, but what would you even get me, anyway? All I want this year is to see the kids’ sweet faces as they open their gifts on Christmas morning.

That Bitch Would Take Park Place by Emily, 8-year-old Monopoly Player | Dec 16 2022

I seriously can’t believe that bitch had the audacity to take Park Place. Park Place for crying out loud! Everyone knows it is my property. Kaitlyn could have taken St. James Place or Ventnor Avenue – even North Carolina Avenue would have been okay.

Hey Girlie, Just Wanted To Tell You, My Friend Thinks You're Really Cute. Also He’s Running For State Senate, Can He Count On Your Vote? By Campaign Manager Tess | Oct 31 2022

Hey girlie! Oh my gosh, so nice to meet you! My name is Tessarine, but you can call me Tess. I just wanted to come over and tell you that my friend over there thinks you’re really cute. And also he’s running for state senate, can he count on your vote? Yeah him over there in the khakis and the Patagonia quarter-zip, yeah.

Hey. You Give 'Em Hell Out There. You Give 'Em Damn Hell. By Chip Grillhard, Jersey Youth Sluggers | Oct 31 2022

Hey. You. You give ‘em hell out there, okay? You give ‘em damn hell. I know it’s been a tough year. I know better than anyone. But you? You’ve got somethin’, kid. Somethin’ special. You’ve got moxie comin’ outta your ears, I can smell it from a mile away, and I know it’s scary, I know it is.

Students Must Make Smart Choices And Buy Products From Companies That Sell Things By The BDH Opinion Section | Oct 31 2022

Wake up, Brown students. We’ve been asleep for too long. The world is burning and we’re all acting like nothing is happening. It’s time that we make smart choices and start buying products from companies that sell things. We’re smart. We can’t keep ignoring the ways our actions affect the world.