The Brown Noser

Opinion

‘Tis I! But It Cannot Be I, For I Am Here And He Is There! Ah, The Great Puzzle! by Dog Looking At Himself In Mirror | Apr 22 2022

Ah, ‘tis I! But wait— it cannot be I, for I am here and he is there! Ah, the great puzzle! What craven sorcery lies herein? Yon figure looks all too similar to my own person, but he is thither and I am hither. There is space between us, and yet he and I make not dissimilar forms and positions— a duality, as it were.

Can I Get An Extension On The Essay? I’m Lost At Sea On A Bamboo Raft | Apr 22 2022

Hi Professor! I hope you’ve had a great weekend! I’m wondering if it might be possible for me to receive an extension on the final paper. I feel my present circumstances might make it hard for me to turn in quality work since I’m currently somewhere in the South Pacific, drifting helplessly on a makeshift bamboo raft.

It Was Insane Bro, We Went Down Gano Street And Then Up Gano Street by Providence Biker Gang | Apr 22 2022

Bro, it was so insane. You might want to sit down for this. We got on our bikes, left our helmets at the door, and then drove down Gano Street and then right back up Gano Street. Can you believe that? It was fucking primal dude. The rush of the wind, the rev of the engines, the honking of the cars – it was a symphony, and we were the fucking composers.

Well, I've Always Been Interested in Coyote Husbandry by Student Desperate for Summer Internship | Apr 22 2022

Good morning! Thank you so much for taking the time to interview me for this position. I’ve been following this company for a long time and getting the opportunity to intern for you would be a dream. How long have I been interested in coyote husbandry? Well, as long as I can remember.

On This Plot Of Land Shall I Build A Thoroughfare For Carriages And Perhaps One Day They'll Sell $55 Tie-Dye Skirts Upon It by Lord William Thayer | Mar 11 2022

Avaunt, lads! I would fain tell ye of my plans to build a thoroughfare on this very plot of land so that carriages might hie themselves hither and yon, and so that one day they’ll sell $55 tie-dye skirts upon it. O! The dreams I have of this causeway that I shall pave from end to end.

Dance For Grandma! by Grandma | Mar 11 2022

Ah, sweet Josephine, moseying about in your little flower dress! My my, darling, I haven’t seen you in ages. What has it been, four, twelve years? Why don’t you do a twirl for grandma! Come on now, sweet daffodil, show Grandma your special dance! That’s right, dance for Grandma! Look at you, darling Josephine, prancing around just like you did when you were a babe.

Golly, Mister! That’s One Fine Looking Sandwich! Boy, I Sure Am Hungry… by Lil Wilbur Crump | Mar 11 2022

Well golly, mister! Never have I ever laid eyes on a more delicious lookin’ sandwich! Yessir, I bet that’s a meal you’ll surely enjoy! Boy oh boy, I sure am hungry… Now it looks like you’re having a grand ol’ turkey sandwich. Turkey is my favorite, no doubt about it! Couldn’t tell you the last time I enjoyed a nice turkey sandwich, but I really hope you enjoy yours.

POINT: If Loving You Baby Is Uncouth, I Don't Wanna Be Couth. COUNTERPOINT: Inter-Employee Relations Are Strictly Forbidden At The Cleveland Renaissance Fair | Mar 11 2022

Point: If Loving You Baby Is Uncouth, I Don’t Wanna Be Couth, by Ike Chagrin Alas and alack! You jest well, sugar pie, but know one thing. If loving you baby is uncouth, then I don’t wanna be couth. Just because human resources declare it so, does not setteth in stone! Just because there is a goalkeeper, doth not mean we cannot score! Just one shot, baby, and I’ll give you the keys to the Cleveland kingdom.

I Honestly Feel Like We’re All Gonna Get COVID At Some Point by Lacrosse Player Licking Beer Off Teammate’s Back At Concert | Feb 04 2022

Bro, this concert is fucking lit. Wait, man, you’ve got beer running down your back — lemme lick it off for you. I know I’m not supposed to or whatever, but I honestly feel like we’re all gonna get COVID at some point. We can’t let the pandemic keep us from doing things forever.

Alas! The Count Has Gambled Away My Dowry’s Last Ducat by Countess Borrellinono | Feb 04 2022

Alack! What grave, grave misfortune! Evening last, my husband, the High Count Antonio Borrellinono gambled away my very last ducat. His misfortune at the cards has laid my purse completely bare. What is to become of me? If the count were to cast me out, I would be penniless! Many nights, he dines at the Desenzano, overlooking the Riviera, where he drinks much prosecco.