The Brown Noser

Opinion

Congratulations on Your Fulbright! I'm So Happy For You And Not Jealous At All! by Student Considering Murdering You To Take Your Spot | May 12 2023

Oh my gosh, I just heard that you got accepted to do a Fulbright in Buenos Aires, congratulations! I’m so happy for you. You’re going to love it there. You know, I’ve actually spent a lot of time there, given that I’ve spent the last decade meticulously researching the historical, political, and migratory patterns of modern Argentina because, you know, I was really hoping to do a Fulbright in Buenos Aires.

Brunonian Voices: Brown is set to finally finish construction on the Brook Street Dorms this summer, adding a whopping 351 beds to Brown’s Housing Collection. What do you think about these new residence facilities? | May 12 2023

Come Hither, Sweet Boy, Slam Your Hand Into My Glowing Scarlet Letters, Wreck My Plastic Frame With Your Astounding Strength by Dorm Hallway Emergency Exit Sign | May 12 2023

Now, now, sweet boy. Yes, you, my sophomore sapling. So spry. So jubilant. So full of life. My sweet boy, you make dreary nights a dream for this dorm hallway emergency exit sign. I revel in the scent of your Axe body spray. I relish the remnants of your musk, imbued with cedarwood and sweat, lingering through this corridor.

Of Course It’s Supposed To Look Like That! Do You Really Think I Would Forget To Remove All The Ugly Temporary Siding Before Opening? By The Architect of the Lindemann Performing Arts Center | May 12 2023

Come on, you guys! Those huge, white panels covering the Lindemann may look like temporary siding, but they’re totally supposed to be there. Do you really think I’m stupid enough to leave up hundreds of corrugated iron sheets before opening to the general public? No way! I designed the building like this.

Please, Take My Children And Keep Them Safe. Where I’m Going, They Can’t Follow by Senior Selling Their Plants On Facebook Marketplace | May 12 2023

You there! Kind sir, please, take my children. The night air is harsh, and where I’m going, they may not follow. For, I have no way I will transport my plants to New York, and graduation grows ever closer. I can see in your eyes, you’re a kind, giving man.

To Be Honest, I Don’t Know What’s In Your Child, And I Don’t Feel Comfortable Exposing My Needle To That by Dr. Todd Fleming, Anti-Vaxxer | May 12 2023

Hi everyone, I know that the vaccine debate has divided our country for decades, and the outbreak of Covid-19 has only amplified that split. As a doctor, I would like to share my professional opinion: To be honest, I don’t know what’s in your child, and I don’t feel comfortable exposing my needles to that, so I am an anti-vaxxer.

I'm The Damn Mayor And What I Say Goes! | Apr 14 2023

Listen here. Listen here! Look, I wanna hear all of your suggestions to make this town better. Okay? I really do. But you gotta remember that I’m the damn mayor, not you, and what I say goes. I’m glad you all feel comfortable coming to these town hall meetings—after all, democracy is made of town hall meetings—and I’m glad you guys aren’t afraid to say what you want and how you feel.

Could I Get Your Advice On My Three Life-Changing Internship Offers? by Student Who Just Wants to Brag About Their Three Internship Offers | Apr 14 2023

Hey, I’ve never asked you for your opinion once ever in my life, but I desperately need it now. I’m having the toughest time deciding between these three internship opportunities for this summer and I feel like you would be able to help me out. The first one’s in New York and they cover housing and food and also it’s super prestigious but it’s in New York and New York is so big and I’ve never been there! The second one is in my hometown, which is great because then I won’t have to pay for housing—and they are giving me a 10k stipend.

I Don’t Care That It’s Not In The Lease Agreement, Please Stop Eating My Quarters, Jared | Apr 14 2023

Hey Jared, hope you’re well. Just wanted to start off by saying you’ve been a pretty great housemate so far, and I’m glad we’ve moved in together. But, could you please stop eating my quarters? I know, I know. The lease agreement just says we can’t have pets and can’t smoke indoors, and doesn’t say anything about eating quarters, but it’s still weird man.

No, Kelly, We Really Won’t Be Mad If You Leave The Housing Group And Accept Your Wellness Single | Apr 14 2023

Hey Kelly! Congrats on getting that Wellness single. ResLife would literally be so dumb if they didn’t accept you. You, like, always do your yoga things in the morning and you’re the spitting image of health. Anyways, I just wanted you to know that Gale, Sam and I fully support whatever decision you make with housing.