The Brown Noser

Opinion

Yeah The Hurricanes Suck But Think Of All The Extra Space The Fish Have To Play by U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service | Nov 01 2024

There’s been a lot of talk lately about these hurricanes: hundreds dead, thousands displaced, millions of dollars in damages. It seems like no matter how you look at it, there’s no upside to the utter destruction these disasters have brought. But the U.S.

I Would Never Turn To Dating Apps. I’m Perfectly Content Being Single by (920)183-1983 | Nov 01 2024

How sad is it that we’ve become so obsessed with vanity and shallow relationships that we choose to invest our precious time into scrolling on dating apps instead of investing time into our 5’5”, cute, brunette, well-educated, Miss America-adjacent selves? Why is our generation so obsessed with the idea of finding someone handsome to complete our funny, emotionally intelligent, incredibly charismatic, yet super kind and caring personalities? To be honest, I think dating apps just freak me out—they feel so vain, trying to get into a relationship without knowing more than a couple of facts about a person.

Usin’ Crutches Don’t Stop Me Sellin’ The Most Papes! However, The Daily Acrobatic Dance Number Is Starting To Piss Me Off by Plucky Disabled Newsie | Nov 01 2024

Aw, c’mon, fellas! I ain’t gatherin’ you all here to be a sourpuss about no sellin’ of papes! Fact is, I do it better than all of yas! I’ve got the charm and hustle that really matters out here, champs. You all see me flappin’ those papers, drawin’ in a crowd faster than a pigeon to a crumb! You want today’s headline? Ain’t nobody better at sellin’ papes for double the pennies they worth than me! That being said, I must say with some degree of earnestness that I am becoming increasingly pissed off by the daily acrobatic routines.

Hi Kindly Re-Confirm Your Cell Phone # For Research Oportunity by Prez Cristina H Paxton | Nov 01 2024

Hi, Kindly re-confirm your cell phone # for research oportunity. I need your cell digits as i am currently in an virtual prezentation and will be requiring your asistance on v special research task. This is v special oportunity for which you have been selected and i wanted to be first in congratulating you on this.

POINT: You Would Make A Fool Out Of Me? Shame, Indeed, Shame Upon You! by Man Who Has Been Fooled / COUNTERPOINT: Let’s Stop This Pervasive Culture Of Victim-Shaming by Man Who Has Been Fooled Twice | Nov 01 2024

POINT: You think you can fool me without consequences? Nay, I say! You, a fooler of men, are deserving of shame. Shame indeed! To fool me once is once too far, and now you shall be shamed like you have never been shamed before! You are among the cruelest of our kind, to take advantage of such a poor and innocent soul as my own.

Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeee! by Swing Voters | Nov 01 2024

Wheeeeeee! I love swinging on this playground swing set. I don’t envy all you voters who’ve made your minds up already. While you argue with each other on Twitter, I’m just here swinging and having fun. Yippeeeee! My vote is valuable, and I need as much time as possible to gather all the facts.

Brunonian Voices: It’s the big question everyone’s asking… What are you going to be this Halloween? | Nov 01 2024

You Have To Kiss A Few Frogs To Find Your Prince! by Your Aunt, Who Clearly Has No Idea That None Of The Frogs Here Want To Be Exclusive And Are Probably Kissing Ten Other Princesses | Sep 27 2024

Honey, I know you probably aren’t even thinking about this yet, but I want to let you know that you have to kiss a few frogs to find your Prince Charming! I know, I know, you think Aunt Margaret and Uncle Todd have been married forever, but let me tell you, it wasn’t always like this! I met a few other boys in my day.

Sorry, I Can’t Hang Tonight. I Have To Walk Around Telling Freshman That If They Don’t Have A Friend Group By Now, Their Life Is Over. by William Roberts | Sep 27 2024

Hey, I actually have to cancel on tonight, sorry. I’ve got to walk around campus letting freshmen know that they’re totally behind in the social scene. Like, totally and completely behind. I mean, someone’s got to tell them that if they don’t have a 15+ person friend group by the end of Orientation, they might as well give up on “the college experience.” Yeah, skulking towards them across the Main Green is the plan for the night.

I Think That’s Something You’re Gonna Have To Look Inside Yourself And Answer, by Your Advisor | Sep 27 2024

Good morning! I’m really happy you wanted to meet with me. It’s great to see such initiative! And I hope you know I’m here to help with absolutely anything. So I see you’re wondering if a history course will fulfill your concentration requirement.