The Brown Noser

Opinion

Hey Professor, I Can’t Make It Today Because I’m Sick… Sick Of Your Bullshit! | Apr 21 2017

Hi Professor Richardson, I just wanted to let you know that unfortunately I won’t be in class today because I’m sick… sick of your BULLSHIT. I woke up feeling okay, but as the day went on and it got closer and closer to class time, I remembered that I would have to listen to you talk for fifty minutes, and illness overcame me.

Clark Kent Runs Away Every Time Something Scary Happens And It’s Starting To Make Me Think He’s A Big Coward By Jimmy Olson | Apr 21 2017

Clark Kent is my best friend. He’s a really good guy and a talented reporter, but recently a lot of bad things have been happening all over Metropolis, and every time something scary happens, Clark bolts. I don’t see him again until the city is safe and the threat is gone.

Just Once, I Wish The High School Quarterback Would End Up With The Rival High School's National Honor Society's Public Relations Officer | Apr 21 2017

I’m tired of stereotypes influencing how people live their lives. You know the deal: the high school quarterback ends up with the cheerleading captain. I just want to see something different. Just once, I wish the quarterback would end up with the rival high school’s National Honor Society’s public relations officer.

When You Print This Article, Can You Re-Arrange The Words To Look Like An Ice Cream Cone? | Apr 21 2017

This is just a normal column about which ice cream flavor is the best. But I want it to stand out and get noticed. So it would be great if, when this article gets printed, the words form the shape of an ice cream cone. You know, like one of those concrete poems.

If Climate Change Is Real, Than Why Can I Put My Hands Over My Ears And Yell “LA-LA-LA-LA!” When People Try To Talk About It? | Apr 21 2017

Another day, another load of climate change lies. From scientists to the fake-news liberal media, the for-profit climate change machine keeps ringing the global warming alarm bells. But riddle me this, climate sheep: If climate change isn’t a big fat hoax, then why can I put my hands over my ears and yell “LA-LA-LA-LA!” when people try to talk about it? I hear the arguments all the time.

Listen, Kid. When You Meet Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Do Not Look Her In The Eyes. Understand? Quick, Here She Comes. | Apr 21 2017

You have to listen to me, kid, because I don’t have much time. When Julia Louis-Dreyfus comes in here, do not make direct eye contact. Understand? Quick, I hear her coming. I know you think you’ve just been invited to the set of VEEP to get an autograph but this is all part of something much bigger than that.

It Would Be Funny If Peyton Manning Stole A Police Horse, But Not Because He Played For The Denver Broncos | Mar 17 2017

You know those policemen who ride horses? Sometimes I see them around when I’m walking through my hometown of Denver. When I do, I love to imagine Peyton Manning stealing one of those horses and taking it on a joyride all around town. It would be so funny, but not because he used to play for a football team called the Broncos.

I’m Pretty Sure Puppets Will Never Become Sentient, But I Treat Them Really Nice Just In Case | Mar 17 2017

Look, I know that all my puppets are just made of cloth and string. I’ve double-checked many times, so I’m aware that it’s physically impossible that they would become sentient. But just in case they do, I make sure that their outfits are clean and their strings aren’t tangled, because if they came to life, they’d probably want to move around freely.

Someone Up There Has A Plan, And That Someone Is Me, by Hickory Wade, Airline Pilot | Mar 17 2017

We live in uncertain times. Every night, we go to sleep unsure of what the morning brings. Fear and hate seem to dominate the world during a time when all we need is more love for our fellow humans. But let me assure you: someone up there has a plan.

I Came To Brown So I Wouldn’t Have To Do Math Ever Again, But Every Night Christina Paxson Sneaks Into My Dorm Room And Makes Me Do Problem Sets By Candlelight | Dec 09 2016

As a first-year, one of the main things that attracted me to Brown is its open curriculum. I loved the fact that, after hating math in high school, I would never have to do it again in college. Well, I found out too late that that’s not entirely true, because every night President Christina Paxson sneaks into my dorm room through the window and makes me do problem sets by candlelight.

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