The Brown Noser

Opinion

Your Momma’s So Lovely, I Make Sure She Knows How Much She Means to Me Every Day by Your Dad | May 03 2013

Hey. I’m going to tell you something, and I’m only going to tell it to you once, so you better listen up close: your momma’s so lovely, I go out of my way to make sure she knows how important she is to me each and every day. Did you hear me? Damn straight you did.

POINT: Barack Obama’s Aggressive Neo-Imperialism Will Only Cause More Bloodshed, by Noam Chomsky. COUNTERPOINT: Alright Noam, Let’s Just Get It Over With and Fuck Already, by Barack Obama. | May 03 2013

[b]POINT: Barack Obama’s Aggressive Neo-Imperialism Will Only Lead to More Bloodshed, by Noam Chomsky[/b] In the wake of last week’s drone strike on the outskirts of Islamabad, more than 160 children are confirmed dead, casualties of Barack Obama’s commitment to violence and imperialism at home and abroad.

We Didn't Land on Plymouth Rock, Plymouth Rock Landed on a Time Portal and Crushed a Young Martin Luther King and Created This Dystopian Segregationist Timeline, by Professor of Africana Studies and Time Sheriff Julius Chronoton | May 03 2013

Folks, it’s been a while since I dropped some truth on you. Old Professor Julius Chronoton has been busy; between my students’ demands on my time and my regular duties as Time Sheriff, there just aren’t enough hours in the day. And I know all about hours in the day. I’m a time sheriff.

Looks Like Spring Is in the Air! Also in the Air: My Head. I’ve Just Been Decapitated. by Recently Decapitated Tom Bentley | May 03 2013

It’s that special time of year again. The birds are singing. The sun is shining. Ah, yes, I think it’s safe to say that spring is in the air. Along with my head. My head is also in the air. Someone just chopped my head off of my body. Things are changing all around us! Suddenly people are out and about, having picnics with friends or just walking around, taking in the fresh springtime air.

I Should Have Stopped Cupid’s Arrow in Mid-Air Like I Did with Those Bullets, by Love-Stricken Keanu Reeves | May 03 2013

Alas, my love, for you are beautiful beyond compare and I am sick with yearning. As I sit here on a lonely Saturday night staring at a picture of you, I realize with a haunting certainty that I should have stopped Cupid’s arrow in mid-air like I did with those bullets in my late 90s sci-fi hit “The Matrix.” If only I had reached out my hand when I first laid eyes on you, freezing the god of love’s missile mid-flight.

Honestly, I’m Just Super Surprised You Guys Were Able to Figure Out All This Physics Stuff, by God | May 03 2013

Okay, despite whatever flaws you guys might have with regards to sinning and stuff, can I just say that I am really impressed? I mean, honestly, I’m super surprised you were able to figure all this physics stuff out. It’s, like, really hard! Seriously, though, it’s definitely not intuitive, and yet, somehow you still managed to figure out all this really crazy math and science stuff with no help from me whatsoever.

Hey Girl, You Want to Go Back to My Place, Put on Some Music, Get Real Close and Talk About My Ex-Girlfriend? | May 03 2013

Hey there, sugar. Are you all alone in this bar tonight? You look like you need someone to talk to. Better yet, you look like a great listener. I have an idea—why don’t we both go back to my place, put on some relaxing music, get nice and close and talk about my ex-girlfriend? You look tense, let me give you a massage.

You Gotta Think the Cast of "Ally McBeal" Still Hangs Out from Time to Time by Connor Shea | May 03 2013

Man, remember “Ally McBeal?” What a great show. Lots of laughs. Great music. Just a classic ensemble cast full of incredibly talented people who all seemed to really gel with each other. You gotta think they all still hang out together from time to time.

Every Month is Black History Month When You're Stuck in a February-Based Time Loop, by Professor of Africana Studies and Time Sheriff Julius Chronoton | Mar 11 2013

Imagine a world where the study of black history was not the exception, but the norm. A world where we study black history not only 28 days of the year, but every single day for all eternity, over and over and over. I don’t even have to imagine such a world because I’ve been living in it ever since the time bandit Count Magromoth trapped me here 300 cycles ago.

Let’s Talk About Concussion Prevention, So That I Can Helping At Toaster, If Land Ho by Steve Young | Mar 11 2013

Hi, kids! I’m Hall of Fame NFL Quarterback, Steve Young. I’d like to talk to you about the increasing risk of brain-related injuries in football. Concussions are a serious problem for athletes like me—and I would know: I’ve been diagnosed with seven of them! Luckily, with good judgment, we can help prevent concussions, and make football safer and make football safety and more fun is for it to play us in make me where cook cookery dog shed ballistics.