The Brown Noser

Opinion

I Just Bought A New Pair Of Headphones, So I Hope You Can All Hjkkkkhhmnrrrrrrwjkzmeeeeeeek by Your Professor | Oct 30 2020

Hi everyone, I hope you’re well. This Zoom thing is still pretty crazy to me — oh, Samantha’s here, welcome Samantha — but I know last time we had a little problem with audio feedback. This weekend, though, I went out and bought a new pair of headphones, so I hope you can all hjkkkkhhmnrrrrrrwjkzmeeeeeeek.

POINT: This Is Earth’s Hottest Year On Record. / COUNTERPOINT: This Is Trish’s Hottest Year On Record! | Oct 30 2020

Point: This is Earth’s Hottest Year on Record, by The National Climate Data Center 2020 is shaping up to be the Earth’s hottest year on record. The reason is simple, clear, and undeniable: this disaster is caused by man-made climate change.

Vote. This Is The Most Important Election Of A Lifetime by Pam Green, Organizer Of The Woodbury County Giant Pumpkin Contest | Oct 30 2020

This Fall, we face a truly historic decision. I’m sure you have all been following the news and need not hear it again from me, but it bears repeating: for the first time in the recent history of the Woodbury County Harvest Festival, we are opening up the judging for our annual giant pumpkin contest to you, the people.

Officer, This Speeding Ticket Is Invalid Because It’s Opposite Day | Oct 30 2020

Now Officer, I do understand you’ve given me a speeding ticket here which says I sped and I have to pay the state $200. But what you might not be clued in on here is that it’s actually Opposite Day, which means this ticket is — unfortunately — invalid.

How’d You Make It To The Top Of This Mountain? No One's Gotten Up Here Alive In Years..... by The Mountain Man | Oct 30 2020

My god… How’d you make it to the top of this mountain? No one’s gotten up here alive in years… I barely heard you knocking on the door of my hovel because of the howling winds of the blizzard. You’ve interrupted my work but please come in and make yourself at home, there are carved stone chairs to sit on.

College Campuses Must Be An Absolute Shitshow In The Fall. Here’s How We Do It. | Sep 25 2020

Across the country, college campuses turned to ghost towns this year. With students and professors hunkered down inside, the adverse effect of COVID-19 on colleges and universities became clear. The toll of this pandemic is high and will continue to rise.

Every Day I Wake Up Crying Because I Won’t Get To See The Student Plays That Were Supposed To Happen This Year | Sep 25 2020

Every day I wake up drenched in tears. Food doesn’t taste good, I don’t crack a smile at jokes — nothing brings me joy. All because I won’t get to see the student plays that were supposed to go up this year at Brown University. Without fail, tears start streaming down my face the moment my eyes open each morning.

I Can’t Wait To Come Back To Campus In September! by Your Dumb Ass On March 12 | Sep 25 2020

I know it’s depressing that classes were cancelled, but let’s try to be rational. At least we’ll be back to campus in September! That’s such a conservative guess too. Like the email never said we WON’T come back after Spring Break. And it looks like commencement is still on! But in the very least, this will all be behind us in September.

In These Trying Times, Time Is Tried And Trying Is Timed, But We Must Remember That The Time To Try Together Is Now, So Maybe Buy An SUV By The Ford Motor Company | Sep 25 2020

In these trying times, time is tried and trying is timed. But we must remember that the time to try together is now. And the all-new 2020 Ford Expedition has everything you need to try for a terrific tomorrow, today. Our country is being challenged by challenging challenges every day, but it’s up to us to challenge these challenges.

The Nation Must Prioritize The Opening Of Indoor Trampoline Parks by The Kid You Babysit | Sep 25 2020

COVID-19 has disrupted the lives of all Americans, but has arguably affected no group as much as our nation’s children. And I should know: I am one of them. At an age where socializing is crucial to our development, the toll of this virus on my generation may have lifelong consequences.

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