The Brown Noser

Opinion

Blue Room Croissonts Are Nothing Like Ze Ones In Paree Hon Hon Hon by Recently Returned Abroad Student | Sep 16 2022

Croissants at the Blue Room? Hah! This is, how you say, to-tal gar-bahj! They are nothing like ze ones in Paree hon hon hon. Back in beautiful Paree, Alpine goat butter was baked into the dough, creating flaky perfection. Mon Dieu! All the ingredients were, how you say, na-chu-raal, so you can eat as many as you like without putting on weight.

Our Curriculum Is Open, So Why Can’t Our Relationship Be? by Tad Johnson, '26 | Sep 16 2022

Babe, I think we should talk. You know, these last few months have been some of the best of my life. I’ve enjoyed our nightly FaceTime calls, our weekend trips to the city, and even meeting your parents at that extremely awkward dinner at Olive Garden.

What’s Your Interest Rate In Taking A Ride On My Boat, Baby? by Federal Reserve President Jerome Powell | Sep 16 2022

You–yeah you! What’s your interest rate in hopping on my boat, baby? The market goes up, the market goes down. Just like this sick 32-footer in the Ibizan waves. Come on–don’t be shy. There’s plenty of Lime-A-Rita, and my buddy Jeff got the complete works of AC/DC pre-downloaded into the speaker system.

I Really Wish I Could Come To Your Little Party Tonight But I Actually Have To Atone For All Of Humanity’s Sins Via Public Crucifixion by Jesus Christ, the Only Begotten Son of God | Sep 16 2022

Hey guys! Thanks so much for inviting me to your little party tonight! It was so sweet of you to think of me, Jesus Christ, the only begotten son of God, when you were planning this thing, and I super appreciate you reaching out. Unfortunately, I have to atone for all of humanity’s sins tonight by shedding my blood on the cross and dying in an extremely painful and public execution, so I don’t think I’ll be able to stop by your little shindig :( I really wish that I could make it, but there are just so many sins that I have to atone for.

‘Tis I! But It Cannot Be I, For I Am Here And He Is There! Ah, The Great Puzzle! by Dog Looking At Himself In Mirror | Apr 22 2022

Ah, ‘tis I! But wait— it cannot be I, for I am here and he is there! Ah, the great puzzle! What craven sorcery lies herein? Yon figure looks all too similar to my own person, but he is thither and I am hither. There is space between us, and yet he and I make not dissimilar forms and positions— a duality, as it were.

Can I Get An Extension On The Essay? I’m Lost At Sea On A Bamboo Raft | Apr 22 2022

Hi Professor! I hope you’ve had a great weekend! I’m wondering if it might be possible for me to receive an extension on the final paper. I feel my present circumstances might make it hard for me to turn in quality work since I’m currently somewhere in the South Pacific, drifting helplessly on a makeshift bamboo raft.

It Was Insane Bro, We Went Down Gano Street And Then Up Gano Street by Providence Biker Gang | Apr 22 2022

Bro, it was so insane. You might want to sit down for this. We got on our bikes, left our helmets at the door, and then drove down Gano Street and then right back up Gano Street. Can you believe that? It was fucking primal dude. The rush of the wind, the rev of the engines, the honking of the cars – it was a symphony, and we were the fucking composers.

Well, I've Always Been Interested in Coyote Husbandry by Student Desperate for Summer Internship | Apr 22 2022

Good morning! Thank you so much for taking the time to interview me for this position. I’ve been following this company for a long time and getting the opportunity to intern for you would be a dream. How long have I been interested in coyote husbandry? Well, as long as I can remember.

On This Plot Of Land Shall I Build A Thoroughfare For Carriages And Perhaps One Day They'll Sell $55 Tie-Dye Skirts Upon It by Lord William Thayer | Mar 11 2022

Avaunt, lads! I would fain tell ye of my plans to build a thoroughfare on this very plot of land so that carriages might hie themselves hither and yon, and so that one day they’ll sell $55 tie-dye skirts upon it. O! The dreams I have of this causeway that I shall pave from end to end.

Dance For Grandma! by Grandma | Mar 11 2022

Ah, sweet Josephine, moseying about in your little flower dress! My my, darling, I haven’t seen you in ages. What has it been, four, twelve years? Why don’t you do a twirl for grandma! Come on now, sweet daffodil, show Grandma your special dance! That’s right, dance for Grandma! Look at you, darling Josephine, prancing around just like you did when you were a babe.