The Brown Noser

Opinion

My Face Really Looks Like That by Pablo Picasso | Dec 07 2018

I know my paintings have been labeled as “cubism.” I understand that the art world likes to classify them as bizarre, unrealistic, and whimsical. But please believe me when I say that my face really looks like that. They tell me that I’m creative, that I’m whimsical, that I’m an iconoclast to paint something so bizarre.

My Liege, The Sentries Have Spotted A Rogue Horseman In The Northern Woods. Do The Archers Have Your Permission To Engage? | Dec 07 2018

I don’t mean to interrupt, my liege, but the sentries on the North Wall have spotted a rogue horseman coming from the woods. He’s headed straight toward Dundleboose and he’s headed here fast. Lord Swanth, the archers need your permission to engage.

Hey Wilson, I Must Need Glasses Because I Can’t See A Single Building Named After You On Campus Anymore by Richard A. Friedman | Dec 07 2018

Hey George Francis Wilson, How’s Swan Point Cemetery? Are you bored yet after one hundred and thirty five years there? I would be. I myself am doing absurdly well. Though I think I need glasses because I can’t see a single building named after you on campus anymore.

“Heavenly” Hazelnut? I Don’t Think So. | Dec 07 2018

Hey! Ratty. I’ve got a question for you. Where do you get off lying to us like this? I see straight through you and I’m not going to let you get away with this. I mean, “Heavenly” Hazelnut? I don’t think so. I came to the Ratty for a delicious caffeine boost.

I Steal A Little Piece Of Your Soul Every Time You Pet Me by A Puppy | Dec 07 2018

Hello! Hi! Yes, of course you can pet me, silly. Look how soft I am! You can scratch me behind my ears or we can go for a walk! Either way, your touch will transfer a little piece of your soul to me. Ooh, let’s go say hi to your neighbor, she always gives me a hug.

The Tunnels Under The Ratty Are Real, But I Need Christina Paxson’s Hand In Marriage Before I’ll Tell You How To Find Them by Gus the Groundskeeper | Dec 07 2018

Gather round, children. Do you want to know a secret? Good. Secrets are my specialty. I’ve been keeping the grounds of this institution for decades now, and I’m swimming in Brown’s mysteries. Tonight, I reveal to you the greatest one of all: the tunnels under the Ratty are real.

For This Next Shot, I Think We Should Go For Something… Kooky by Wes Anderson | Oct 26 2018

Okay, everyone. Let’s set up for the next shot. Before everyone gets on their marks and we start rolling, I just want to go over some of the ideas bouncing around in my head right now. Because I’m thinking we should go for something…kooky. I have a clear vision for this shot.

If You Rub The 8 Ball Thrice, We Will Emerge From The Walls And Challenge You To A Round Of Billiards by The Faunce Pool Boys | Oct 26 2018

Come closer, friend. Do you hear us? Good. Do you see us? No? Even better. We live in these walls, and we ask that you listen carefully to what we are about to say. It is this: If you rub the 8 ball thrice, we will emerge from the walls and challenge you to a round of billiards.

Is There A Particular Way I Should Be Eating This? | Oct 26 2018

Oh wow, this looks… complex. Do you think there’s a particular way I should be eating this? Like, any specific sort of way? Maybe I should just google it? No, that’s humiliating. Do you see anyone else eating this? What are they doing? Ugh, you’re no help at all.

When I See A Shooting Star At Night I Wish “Oh Fuck, Please Don’t Hit Me!” by International Space Station Astronaut Rick Arnold | Oct 26 2018

Shooting stars are beautiful creations of this universe. I feel so lucky to be able to watch such a spectacular, inspiring sight from The International Space Station. Before going into space, it was rare to catch a glimpse of a shooting star. Now, I see them a lot more often and, every time I see this magnificent phenomenon, I hold my breath, close my eyes, and make a simple wish: “Oh fuck, please don’t hit me!” Whenever I look out and see one of these dazzling meteors soaring through space, I thank God for being able to work in the International Space Station.

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