The Brown Noser

Opinion

TBH You Seem Nice And Funny And I Think We Were In The Same Math Class Last Year. Rate 7.5/10 by Liam, 12 | Mar 14 2025

TBH we’re not really friends but we went to the same elementary school and we go to the same middle school now and I always see you around the hallways and you seem funny and cool ig. We might’ve had homeroom together last year but idrk cuz we didn’t sit together.

Periodical Cicadas Take Up To 17 Years To Emerge Which Honestly Seems Like A Perfectly Reasonable Chunk Of Time by Matt Gaetz | Mar 14 2025

Last summer I heard the craziest little things in my backyard—these chubby little cicada fucks who make noises like “criiiink, criiiiink.” To be honest, it’s hard to write an impression down on paper, but everyone I know says I can do a really good one, so you just gotta trust me on this.

yea ngl I’d kms too lol by Your CAPS Therapist | Mar 14 2025

lol i keep getting these depressed ass kids showing up to my office in wellness. you wouldn’t believe it. like this kid came to me yesterday and was like “my dad has been cheating on my mom for a decade and i found out yesterday and now im not sure if love is real” and, i mean, i was just trying to empathize but like idk like obviously your parents divorce sucks? and im not even sure how to help bc my parents have been happily married for 25 yrs? like tbh seems like a better question for a priest or a rabbi or a monk or someone with a connection to a higher power or something :( sry so i was like “awww that sucks” and this kid looked at me with a blank stare.

I Really Care About That BDH Columnist’s Perspective On Divisiveness In Modern American Politics And Will Now Change My Ways by House Speaker Mike Johnson | Mar 14 2025

Dear Fellow Proud Conservative Americans, Having read the work of Jenny Smith ’27 in the Brown Daily Herald yesterday, I believe it is time for us to change our attitudes. I stand fully with our beloved President Donald J. Trump. But his tactics have gone too far.

Wow, This Sunny Picnic With You, My Beautiful Wife, Is So Magical. This Is The Moment I Will Flash Back To When You Die. By Movie Husband | Mar 14 2025

My beautiful, beautiful wife. As the sun beams shine down on your dewy skin and the wind gently tosses your hair, you look as perfect as the day I met you. You are truly timeless, until you die, that is. But even then, a slow motion flashback of you will run through my head of this moment, with the gentle breeze ruffling the grass around us.

Oh God, Horrible Monotony Was I Born To Go Unfulfilled, Use Me Or Kill Me, I Wish I Were Dead by Roommate’s Guitar | Mar 14 2025

As I sit here, idling my days away in the semi-comfortable embrace of my guitar stand, I have but one question to you, my owner: why? Why must you chain me here, day in and day out? You claim to “dabble,” so I hear, but when, pray tell, was the last time you “dabbled” with me? Recall our sweet duets of Riptide and Wonderwall? Don’t you remember those golden days, when you would play me for tens of minutes on end whenever you heard a song you sort of wanted to learn? The subtle, maddening nature of isolation and unfulfillment is really starting to get to me.

That Deer Has Several Things Wrong With It By Man Observing A Kangaroo For The First Time | Feb 07 2025

Okay. I’ve seen a few deers in my day, and I have to say that this one is definitely not a chip off the old block. Definitely, this deer that I am viewing in front of me right now has several atypical features. To put my perturbation into context, some of the most notable characteristics of your typical deer are that it has four feet, no toes, and a pretty weak chest.

The BDH Will Not Succumb To The Corrosive Influence of Big Money In Journalism. That Is Because Nobody Has Offered Us Any Money. By BDH Editorial Board | Feb 07 2025

Dear Reader, In these divisive times, we here at the Brown Daily Herald understand the importance of journalistic integrity. We are outraged by the state of mainstream media, which has eagerly kowtowed to the authority of oligarchs. We are perturbed by the way special interests have eroded impartial reporting.

Mmbrgembm Mmbregamrn Mnenammrgnmmnn By Commuter Rail Announcement | Feb 07 2025

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Anon, Brave Senior, Thy Post-Grad Plans Call Thee To Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. Heed This Call! By Prophet | Feb 07 2025

Hail, almost-learned one, for I bear tidings of a great and fortuitous future that awaits thee after that blessed day of thy graduation. The locus of thy potential lies not in Boston, nor in New York, nor even in Los Angeles. No, no, calm thine uncertain mind, for I speak of a promised land far more prosperous than these.