Hey Buzzy, It’s me, your Cousin Tony! C’mon, don’t tell me you don’t remember your Cousin Tony! I remember when you used to be a little kid kicking a soccer ball around. But you’re not that little anymore, are you Buzzy? No, you’re not.
It’s been one of the greatest joys of my life to attend Brown University. I’ve met so many amazing people and encountered some truly awesome opportunities. Overall, my Brown experience has been nothing short of perfect, aside from one little thing: I just wish we had more experimental theater here.
As the Dean of Admission here at Brown University, it is my distinct pleasure each year to be able to get to know the incoming first-years through their applications. There is nothing more fascinating than being able to see how the groups of students change each year.
I’ll be the first to say it: it’s not easy to be a woman in comedy. A longtime “boys’ club,” writers’ rooms across this country are in desperate need of material that actively includes and empowers women. As a woman in comedy myself, I feel an urgent responsibility to bring this initiative to my own work at The Brown Noser, which brings me to the following declaration: From now on, I will only write headlines about bras.
Hello, surface dwellers! You may not have known this, but there’s a thriving and extremely normal, definitely not cursed civilization under the very ground you walk on! We’ve been listening to the pitter-patter of your surface dweller steps for thousands of years.
Hey. Dave here. You know—Dave from Dave’s Coffee. And I have a bone to pick with everyone, something that’s really being weighing on me lately: why are you drinking all my coffee? Please stop doing that. It’s mine.
I don’t know how much clearer I’m supposed to make it.
Shoot, with all these recent college admissions scandals, it appears the American public is finally realizing America’s elite colleges and universities are controlled by and structurally designed for the rich and powerful. I certainly hope I don’t become a subject of scrutiny in this nationwide scandal…it would really suck if someone remembered that in 2015 my emails were released in the Sony hack and showed I was condoning the acceptance of bribes to admit a student.
Hello to all you impressionable kids, I’m here to tell you that drugs are not cool and will cause serious harm if you’re not careful. And I would know: when I was young my dad once caught me stealing his acid and made me take every tab he had.
It’s important for everyone to learn about drugs’ dangerous effects.
I know I made mistakes and I am so sorry for them. But this isn’t about that. I don’t want to race anymore, I just want my bike back. I’m not as fast on my legs as I was on my bike and I miss being able to move so fast. Please let me have my bike.