The Brown Noser

Opinion

I’m Worried That The Sun Will Set On My Head If I Stand Too Far West In This Field by Man Standing In Large Open Field | May 02 2025

I know what they’re saying. I’ve heard every excuse, every explanation—“This large, open field continues beyond the horizon, and there’s more field beyond what’s visible.” I’m not buying it. “The sun setting is the result of an optical phenomenon due to the Earth’s rotation”—I don’t know what any of that means.

Wow, It Sure Is Dark In This Coffin by 2003 Avril Lavigne | May 02 2025

Wow! I can barely see anything in here! I wish I had something to give me some light—that’s what I get for leaving my Nokia in my room. Stupid Avril! Stupid Avril! Oh god. One second. Sorry—there’s a worm down here who keeps sucking on my elbow.

I Don’t Know What You’re Talking About, I’m Literally A Current Brown Student by Kid With Lanyard-Shaped Indent Under Shirt | May 02 2025

Hey there! What’s up?! I’m just chilling on the Quiet Green right by the Rockefeller Library. I just ate lunch at the Sharpe Refectory. Wow. Can they get any worse? Sharpe Refectory food be like: “Yuck.” Wait, sorry, were you in my first period class this morning? I swear I saw you there.

POINT: She Loves You, And You’ll Be Together Forever! by Flower Petals 1, 3, and 5 / COUNTERPOINT: She Loves You Not, And She Never Will! by Flower Petals 2, 4, and 6 | May 02 2025

POINT: She loves you, and you’ll be together forever! Did you see the way she looked in your direction in class today? She was totally trying to send you signals, you should definitely ask for her number. I know that you two have only talked like three times, but she can tell that you’re a stand-up guy, and we just know that she wants to be more than just classmates.

POINT: It's A Moral Imperative To Tax The Wealthy by Bernie Sanders / COUNTERPOINT: We Should Steal From Children by Swiper | May 02 2025

POINT: It’s A Moral Imperative To Tax The Wealthy by Bernie Sanders In this world, the ultra-rich reign supreme. Wealth inequality in the United States spits in the face of democracy and equality. For 95% of Americans, no matter how hard they work, no matter how smart they are, no matter their circumstances at all, their bank accounts will forever be less than the monopolists of the 1%.

I’m Gonna Go Fucking Apeshit If You Ungrateful Bastards Don’t Come To CCBubbles & Brownies by Jazz Carlson CCB ‘25 President | May 02 2025

Look here, chucklefucks. Considering how much difficulty you dipshits seem to have with comprehending our third-grade reading level emails, I’m not sure any of you dickheads are even literate. But against my better judgement, I’m offering one last chance to prove that you miserable dullards can comprehend words on a page.

TBH You Seem Nice And Funny And I Think We Were In The Same Math Class Last Year. Rate 7.5/10 by Liam, 12 | Mar 14 2025

TBH we’re not really friends but we went to the same elementary school and we go to the same middle school now and I always see you around the hallways and you seem funny and cool ig. We might’ve had homeroom together last year but idrk cuz we didn’t sit together.

Periodical Cicadas Take Up To 17 Years To Emerge Which Honestly Seems Like A Perfectly Reasonable Chunk Of Time by Matt Gaetz | Mar 14 2025

Last summer I heard the craziest little things in my backyard—these chubby little cicada fucks who make noises like “criiiink, criiiiink.” To be honest, it’s hard to write an impression down on paper, but everyone I know says I can do a really good one, so you just gotta trust me on this.

yea ngl I’d kms too lol by Your CAPS Therapist | Mar 14 2025

lol i keep getting these depressed ass kids showing up to my office in wellness. you wouldn’t believe it. like this kid came to me yesterday and was like “my dad has been cheating on my mom for a decade and i found out yesterday and now im not sure if love is real” and, i mean, i was just trying to empathize but like idk like obviously your parents divorce sucks? and im not even sure how to help bc my parents have been happily married for 25 yrs? like tbh seems like a better question for a priest or a rabbi or a monk or someone with a connection to a higher power or something :( sry so i was like “awww that sucks” and this kid looked at me with a blank stare.

I Really Care About That BDH Columnist’s Perspective On Divisiveness In Modern American Politics And Will Now Change My Ways by House Speaker Mike Johnson | Mar 14 2025

Dear Fellow Proud Conservative Americans, Having read the work of Jenny Smith ’27 in the Brown Daily Herald yesterday, I believe it is time for us to change our attitudes. I stand fully with our beloved President Donald J. Trump. But his tactics have gone too far.