The Brown Noser

Opinion

Damn, I Hope No One Remembers That My Emails Were Released In The 2015 Sony Hack And Clearly Showed Me Accepting Bribes To Admit A Student by Christina Paxson | Apr 19 2019

Shoot, with all these recent college admissions scandals, it appears the American public is finally realizing America’s elite colleges and universities are controlled by and structurally designed for the rich and powerful. I certainly hope I don’t become a subject of scrutiny in this nationwide scandal…it would really suck if someone remembered that in 2015 my emails were released in the Sony hack and showed I was condoning the acceptance of bribes to admit a student.

I Don't Do Drugs Because One Time My Dad Caught Me Stealing His Acid And Made Me Take Every Tab He Had | Apr 19 2019

Hello to all you impressionable kids, I’m here to tell you that drugs are not cool and will cause serious harm if you’re not careful. And I would know: when I was young my dad once caught me stealing his acid and made me take every tab he had. It’s important for everyone to learn about drugs’ dangerous effects.

I’m Not As Fast On My Legs As I Was On My Bike. Please Let Me Have My Bike Back by Lance Armstrong | Apr 19 2019

I know I made mistakes and I am so sorry for them. But this isn’t about that. I don’t want to race anymore, I just want my bike back. I’m not as fast on my legs as I was on my bike and I miss being able to move so fast. Please let me have my bike.

Even I Think That PETA Is Really Obnoxious by Factory Farm Pig #3276 | Mar 08 2019

Look, it’s not that I don’t appreciate what PETA is trying to do for all of us, but sometimes I just wish they would chill out a little bit, ya know? It’s like, thanks for your advocacy guys, but forcing veganism on everyone through shame tactics really isn’t doing me any favors.

I Can't Help Being A Horse Girl Because My Mom Is A Horse | Mar 08 2019

I know horse girls are the worst, but I can’t help being one. They all have their lightly curled sandy brown hair, shoulder pads, and riding boots, but they’re just pretending. I am genetically half horse. It’s true, my mom is a horse and that is the reason I am a horse girl.

Oh Boy Providence, Do I Have a Treat for You! You’ll Never Guess—It’s More Rain! I Know How Much You Looove Rain! by God | Mar 08 2019

Hi Providence! It’s me, God. You’ve been so good lately. So good that you maybe deserve… a little treat?! Yeah? You like the sound of that? Well, strap yourselves in because I have something up my sleeve that will really tickle your fancy—it’s rain! More rain! I know how much you looove rain! Every time I look down on the beautiful city of Providence, I can just tell that every person down there is practically begging for more sweet, sweet precipitation.

Ok, So Listen, It’s Gonna Be You, Me, Lisa, Devin, Grace, Mark, and Chris and Then We’ll Each Bring One Other Person, It’ll Be Such a Fun Mix | Mar 08 2019

Ok, so listen, for the thing on Friday night, it’s gonna be you, me, Lisa, Devin, Grace, Mark and Chris and then we’ll each bring one other person. Won’t that be a fun mix? We’ll need to make a run to the liquor store before then. We’ll just pay for the beer but then everybody will chip in for their own liquor.

Sticks And Stones May Break My Bones, But The Process Would Take At Least Two Seconds Longer Than Usual Because I Drink Calcium-Fortified Hood Milk Twice Daily | Mar 08 2019

I don’t like to be laughed at. Nobody does. And insults will wring my eyes like tiny dishtowels. But if you resort to force? Oh, if you do– know this: Sticks and stones may break my bones, but the process would take at least two seconds longer than usual because I drink calcium-fortified Hood milk, twice daily.

Whoa, Son, Have A Look At That Marlin | Mar 08 2019

Whoa, son, whoa. Have a look at that marlin. That right there’s the largest billfish you’ll ever see. I think this one’s a grander. Yes I do. A thousand pounds of the Atlantic’s finest. And she’s a fighter, too. Mackerel, tuna, squid– you name it, she’ll eat it.

My Face Really Looks Like That by Pablo Picasso | Dec 07 2018

I know my paintings have been labeled as “cubism.” I understand that the art world likes to classify them as bizarre, unrealistic, and whimsical. But please believe me when I say that my face really looks like that. They tell me that I’m creative, that I’m whimsical, that I’m an iconoclast to paint something so bizarre.

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