The Brown Noser

Opinion

When The Only Tool You Have Is A Radial Saw, Every Problem Looks Like A Thick Slab Of Brazilian Rosewood | Apr 09 2021

You know they say sometimes you eat the bar and sometimes the bar eats you. There’s a constant push and pull in life, in the cosmos, and you’re not always gonna catch it at the right time, or make the right choice. As people, the experiences that make up our consciousness and worldview open us up to the world in important ways, but those experiences can also constrain us, whether we recognize it or not.

POINT: I Know I Entered Your Life To Tutor You In Chemistry, But The Real Chemistry Is Between Me And Your Mother. I’m Here To Stay By Dr. Theron Softkiss / COUNTERPOINT: Please Stop Helping This Man Move Into Our House by Your Dad | Apr 09 2021

Point: I Know I Entered Your Life to Tutor You In Chemistry, But The Real Chemistry Is Between Me And Your Mother. I’m Here To Stay by Dr. Theron Softkiss, Amateur Chemistry Tutor Hey Tyler, what a wild ride huh? It’s crazy how chemistry brought you and me together, and now it’s gonna keep me and your mother together forever because I, Dr.

Brown Can Pry My Kanopy Account From My Cold Dead Hands | Mar 12 2021

As my undergraduate experience comes to a close, I hear the big wide world beyond Brown calling my name. I am eager to start doing meaningful work, to move to a new city, and to begin the rest of my life. However, there is one thing which I will refuse to give up when I leave the Van Wickle Gates.

It Would Probably Be A Public Health Hazard If We DIDN’T Hook Up Right Now by Guy in Your Pod | Mar 12 2021

Hey, it’s been pretty cool hanging out with our pod every weekend. I know you take COVID seriously; I do too. According to CDC guidelines, it minimizes your risk to have a tight pod of people who you socialize with. So I think it would be the safest option for everyone if we hooked up right now.

POINT: I Come To Seminar To Appreciate All Different Points Of View And Learn From My Peers! / COUNTERPOINT: I Really Wish That One Guy Would Shut The Fuck Up | Mar 12 2021

POINT: I come to seminar to appreciate all different points of view and learn from my peers! By Theodore McCrae, 9:00am I chose a liberal arts institution like Brown because it excites me intellectually to hear opinions from all different kinds of people.

This Ain't Your Dad’s Cover of Hallelujah! I’m Playing Harmonica! | Mar 12 2021

Hold on to your miniature show ponies, boys and girls! A sonic earthquake is coming your way so you better get under a doorway or sturdy table for cover! And when I say “cover” I mean my cover. My cover of Leonard Cohen’s Hallelujah, that is. But don’t you worry ‘cuz this ain’t your dumb dad’s cover of Hallelujah.

When You Receive The Key To The City, Please Let Me Out Of This Box by The Mayor | Mar 12 2021

Hello there! Congratulations, boy-o, you’ve saved the 4th of July Parade! Your reward? A day in your honor, free milkshakes for life, and of course the highest honor of all: the key to the city! Okay, great. Now that you have the key, will you please, please, please let me out of this box? Because of your heroic actions that stopped that wicked bandit from stealing the wheels off of all the parade floats, our town had a magnificent, splendiferous celebration of Independence Day.

People Can’t See Through Corn. Here’s Why That’s A Problem. by A Vox Journalist Lost In A Maze | Mar 12 2021

As long as there has been corn, it’s been opaque. Now, all over this maze in which I am currently lost, people are starting to see why that’s problematic. Here’s why we need corn that everyone can see through. The Push for Transparent Corn, Explained.

Now Is The Time For Us All To Come Together And Pull My Car Out Of This Sinkhole | Feb 05 2021

Right now, we are in a moment of crisis. Divided we will fail, but united we can meet this moment and overcome. The sun is shining overhead. The air is crisp and clean. My Honda is only a few feet underground and it’s totally retrievable. Friends, loved ones, Americans: now is the time for us all to come together and pull my car out of this sinkhole.

Don’t Understand The Stock Market Situation? Allow Me To Explain It To You With A Condescending Metaphor About Bananas | Feb 05 2021

These past few weeks have been a wild one in the stock market. But if you’re not involved in finance, the whole situation might go a bit over your head. No worries! That’s why I’m here to dumb the whole thing down for your stupid peanut brain with some condescending metaphor about bananas or whatever.

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