The Brown Noser

Opinion

Well If It Isn’t — Ida, Cancel My 3 O’clock, An Old Friend’s Come To Visit | Dec 03 2021

Listen here, Charlie, why don’t you take the week off, rest up a little, eh? Say, hold a moment, would ya Charlie? I got to hang up the telephone, someone’s knockin’ on my door. Come in. Use the door, that’s why it’s there. Well if it isn’t — Ida, cancel my 3 o’clock, an old friend’s come to visit.

I Can't Remember Any Of Your Likes Or Interests, So Here's A Fat Stack Of Cash by Great Aunt Helen | Dec 03 2021

Dear Aiden, Oh wait, it’s Aaron, not Aiden. Senior moment! How are you, sweetie? I wouldn’t know, because you haven’t come to visit me in three years. Well, honey, you’re getting a big fat stack of cash for the holidays because I have absolutely no clue what you like anymore.

POINT: Book Culture Must Be Salvaged by Raymond Smathers, PhD / COUNTERPOINT: Books Are For Eating. Have You Guys Not Been Eating The Books? by Nicholas Book, Inventor of the Book | Dec 03 2021

Point: Book Culture Must Be Salvaged by Raymond Smathers, PhD Academia is in crisis. Our libraries are crumbling, disciplines like history, English, and the classics face extinction, and books spend most of their lives collecting dust. In the face of an increasingly digital world, it’s imperative that our academic institutions uphold the remnants of book culture.

She Has A Name, Mother. It's Zabina. And We're Running Away Together | Dec 03 2021

Mother? Mother? It’s me, Thomas. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to frighten you. It’s just – Mother. Mother, please let me speak. I’m not raising my voice Mother, I – if you would open your ears and listen to me, you would hear what I’m trying to say which is this: I’m leaving, Mother.

What Time Is It There Again? by Your Mom In Central Time Zone | Dec 03 2021

Hi darling! How is everything? Good? Good! Oh, I’m doing okay. Your father and I are about to try this new place for dinner, but we want to head over before it gets too dark. It gets dark so early these days, I’m sure you’re thinking the same thing — wait, what time is it there again? Here in Omaha it’s 4:30, but I know you’re in a different time zone.

Sold! To The Man In The Auburn Blazer! | Oct 29 2021

Folks we’re gonna get this here auction underway. We have trinkets, doo-dads, and other assorted goodies. All righty now this bronze letter opener is one of a kind folks so let me open the bidding at a cool two hundred and twenty US dollars. Do I see two-twenty? Two-twenty anyone? Two-twenty, thank you sir! Do I see two-fifty? Going once.

My Open Relationship Saved My Affair | Oct 29 2021

There’s no one right way to do a marriage. Society may tell us that monogamy is the only option, but it’s important for partners to be honest with themselves and explore all options. I know that my marriage would have fallen apart if my husband and I hadn’t decided to redefine the boundaries of our relationship.

Want The Chance To Win An Amazon Gift Card?? Have You Ever… Smoked WEED Before? by the CLPS Department | Oct 29 2021

Psst… Hey kid! You want to win an Amazon gift card? You ever… smoked weed before? Why don’t you try out this little survey? Look, you didn’t hear this from me, but the Department of Cognitive, Linguistic, and Psychological Sciences is in need of participants for an upcoming study on the effects of marijuana use in adults ranging in age from 17-25.

Slay, Mama! Werk Queen! That Hoodie Is Boots! by Your Friend Who Watched One Episode Of Drag Race | Oct 29 2021

Hi king! I haven’t seen you all semester! I hope things are going gorgeously, sis, and that your classes are serving knowledge the schoolhouse down. How am I? Well, I just watched my very first episode of RuPaul’s Drag Race last night — by the way, that hoodie is boots! The theme of your day must be Hoodie Eleganza Extravaganza because you’re bringing it to the ball.

We’ve Crafted Our Fully Formed Apology, And It Comes In The Form Of A Soooooooooong | Oct 29 2021

We, the Jabberwocks, would like to offer our fully formed apology to the Brown community for recent events. In true Jabberwock form, our apology comes in the form of a sooooooooooong! It’s true, we wrote cards Some nasty notecards One thing’s for sure, it wasn’t right (Shoo bop ba doo doo) Alto to bassist Boy, we were racist And now we’re do-re-mi-fa-soooooooo contrite We know it’s not a situation we can fix well But listen to our golden-voiced ensemble mix well: We’re well and truly sorry! The Jabberwocks are sorry! The story dropped, and we’ve been chopped and diced like calamari For every single fella Who came to a cappella We wrote a ton of insults, they could fill a small novella We know that our response has been a bit legato But here we are, with grief and guilt and great vibrato We’re really, really sorry The Jabberwocks are sorry! So don’t make us the quarry in your canceling safari! Our meaner former members Are gone like dying embers They might have said some awful stuff, but frankly, who remembers? So could we please turn back the clock? Not only can we talk the talk But soon you’ll see, We guarantee, That we can walk the… (Jabber) Waaaaaaaaaaaalk!.