The Brown Noser

Opinion

While much of the country remains in lockdown to prevent the spread of the coronavirus pandemic, protesters in some states have begun calling for the economy to reopen. What do you think? | Apr 24 2020

POINT: Let’s Think Of It As A Staycation! by Your Mom. COUNTERPOINT: We're All Going To Fucking Die by Your Mom | Apr 24 2020

Point: Let’s Think Of It As A Staycation! By Your Mom I know that being stuck indoors is a bit of a bummeroo, but c’mon gang, it’s not so bad! Maybe there’s a silver lining to this whole kerfuffle. When was the last time we all got to spend this much time together? Ever since you kids went away to school, we haven’t had enough good ol’ family time! Your father and I have been working so hard, too, we hardly spend any time together anymore.

No Graduation? Oh Ho! How The Tables Have Turned, My Sweets! by The Class Of 19.5 | Apr 24 2020

My, my, my! What seems to be the problem? Is the Class of 2020 missing their special graduation? Such a shame! We, the Class of 2019.5, would like to extend our most heartfelt, deepest sympathies to the current graduating class. It must be so hard to not have the entire community there to support you on your special day! Poor dears! When we walked through the Van Wickle gates and became a part of a time-honored tradition, it felt like a pretty special moment, but you guys shouldn’t worry about that.

I Support Sunrise's Mission, But I Wish They'd Send Me More Emails | Apr 24 2020

Climate change is an existential threat facing humanity, in scope unlike anything we’ve seen before. This sober fact is undeniable. That’s why I believe a strong, diverse movement of young people advocating to end the corrupting influence of fossil fuel executives on our politics is critical.

Welcome To My Dirty Dirty Sleeping Lair, Can I Offer You A Corn Chip? | Apr 24 2020

Ah, welcome. Welcome to my dirty, dirty sleeping lair. What brings you through here, weary traveler? Surely, you are lost. Another soul hasn’t set foot in here for at least, I don’t know, probably a couple weeks, I guess. But fear not, young one! You’ll get used to the smell.

I Cannot Support Bernie Sanders Because He Was Mean To Me In My Dream Last Night | Mar 06 2020

Like many Americans, this year’s election is especially important to me — will we be able to pull together a winning Democratic coalition, or will we suffer another four years of Trump? There are certainly some strong candidates in the Democratic primary so far, but there’s one person we simply can’t afford to hand the nomination.

Selling My Soul To A Dark Mage In Exchange For Complete Mind-Control Over Timothée Chalamet Is The Best Thing I Ever Did For My Career by Greta Gerwig | Mar 06 2020

Let me make one thing clear: a director is nothing without an amazing team of actors. From Lady Bird to Little Women, I’ve been blessed to work with some of the top names in the industry: Saoirse Ronan, Lucas Hedges, and even Oscar-winner Laura Dern.

POINT: We Are All Made Of Stardust / COUNTERPOINT: Okay But Like, What Are We Relationship-Wise | Mar 06 2020

POINT: We Are All Made Of Stardust By Rachel Cook We are the stuff of stars, made of atoms which originated in supernovas farther away than anything we can imagine and bigger than a child’s biggest dream. Particles travelled light years through the dark of space to our little rock.

Something Crazy Happened In The Democratic Primary And Since It’s March Right Now As I Write This, I Know What It Is And Have A Lot To Say About It | Mar 06 2020

Well, we’re now deep into the 2020 Democratic Primary. Millions of Americans are duking it out in primaries, caucuses, and on Twitter to decide who they’ll send onto the campaign trail to finally beat Trump. But one thing I’m sure no one expected was what just happened — and since it’s March right now as I write this, I know exactly what that was and I have a lot to say about it.

The Horse Should Get The Medal In Equestrian Sports by Thunder Commander The Real Human | Mar 06 2020

Hello friends, it is me, Mr. Thunder Commander. I am a real human man with yellow hair and blue eyes, but that is besides the point. I would like for us, as humans, to consider giving the horse the medal when they do a good job in equestrian sports.

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