I’ll be the first to say it: it’s not easy to be a woman in comedy. A longtime “boys’ club,” writers’ rooms across this country are in desperate need of material that actively includes and empowers women. As a woman in comedy myself, I feel an urgent responsibility to bring this initiative to my own work at The Brown Noser, which brings me to the following declaration: From now on, I will only write headlines about bras.
Hello, surface dwellers! You may not have known this, but there’s a thriving and extremely normal, definitely not cursed civilization under the very ground you walk on! We’ve been listening to the pitter-patter of your surface dweller steps for thousands of years.
Hey. Dave here. You know—Dave from Dave’s Coffee. And I have a bone to pick with everyone, something that’s really being weighing on me lately: why are you drinking all my coffee? Please stop doing that. It’s mine.
I don’t know how much clearer I’m supposed to make it.
Shoot, with all these recent college admissions scandals, it appears the American public is finally realizing America’s elite colleges and universities are controlled by and structurally designed for the rich and powerful. I certainly hope I don’t become a subject of scrutiny in this nationwide scandal…it would really suck if someone remembered that in 2015 my emails were released in the Sony hack and showed I was condoning the acceptance of bribes to admit a student.
Hello to all you impressionable kids, I’m here to tell you that drugs are not cool and will cause serious harm if you’re not careful. And I would know: when I was young my dad once caught me stealing his acid and made me take every tab he had.
It’s important for everyone to learn about drugs’ dangerous effects.
I know I made mistakes and I am so sorry for them. But this isn’t about that. I don’t want to race anymore, I just want my bike back. I’m not as fast on my legs as I was on my bike and I miss being able to move so fast. Please let me have my bike.
Look, it’s not that I don’t appreciate what PETA is trying to do for all of us, but sometimes I just wish they would chill out a little bit, ya know? It’s like, thanks for your advocacy guys, but forcing veganism on everyone through shame tactics really isn’t doing me any favors.
I know horse girls are the worst, but I can’t help being one. They all have their lightly curled sandy brown hair, shoulder pads, and riding boots, but they’re just pretending. I am genetically half horse.
It’s true, my mom is a horse and that is the reason I am a horse girl.
Hi Providence! It’s me, God. You’ve been so good lately. So good that you maybe deserve… a little treat?! Yeah? You like the sound of that? Well, strap yourselves in because I have something up my sleeve that will really tickle your fancy—it’s rain! More rain! I know how much you looove rain!
Every time I look down on the beautiful city of Providence, I can just tell that every person down there is practically begging for more sweet, sweet precipitation.
Ok, so listen, for the thing on Friday night, it’s gonna be you, me, Lisa, Devin, Grace, Mark and Chris and then we’ll each bring one other person. Won’t that be a fun mix?
We’ll need to make a run to the liquor store before then. We’ll just pay for the beer but then everybody will chip in for their own liquor.