The Brown Noser

Opinion

For This Next Shot, I Think We Should Go For Something… Kooky by Wes Anderson | Oct 26 2018

Okay, everyone. Let’s set up for the next shot. Before everyone gets on their marks and we start rolling, I just want to go over some of the ideas bouncing around in my head right now. Because I’m thinking we should go for something…kooky. I have a clear vision for this shot.

If You Rub The 8 Ball Thrice, We Will Emerge From The Walls And Challenge You To A Round Of Billiards by The Faunce Pool Boys | Oct 26 2018

Come closer, friend. Do you hear us? Good. Do you see us? No? Even better. We live in these walls, and we ask that you listen carefully to what we are about to say. It is this: If you rub the 8 ball thrice, we will emerge from the walls and challenge you to a round of billiards.

Is There A Particular Way I Should Be Eating This? | Oct 26 2018

Oh wow, this looks… complex. Do you think there’s a particular way I should be eating this? Like, any specific sort of way? Maybe I should just google it? No, that’s humiliating. Do you see anyone else eating this? What are they doing? Ugh, you’re no help at all.

When I See A Shooting Star At Night I Wish “Oh Fuck, Please Don’t Hit Me!” by International Space Station Astronaut Rick Arnold | Oct 26 2018

Shooting stars are beautiful creations of this universe. I feel so lucky to be able to watch such a spectacular, inspiring sight from The International Space Station. Before going into space, it was rare to catch a glimpse of a shooting star. Now, I see them a lot more often and, every time I see this magnificent phenomenon, I hold my breath, close my eyes, and make a simple wish: “Oh fuck, please don’t hit me!” Whenever I look out and see one of these dazzling meteors soaring through space, I thank God for being able to work in the International Space Station.

Listen To Me, We Don’t Have Much Time. I Saw A Group Of Jump Bikes Two Blocks Away. They’re Coming. For Us. | Oct 26 2018

Quick, duck down and get behind the bush. Shhhh, don’t fight me on this. It’s worse than I thought so listen to me because we don’t have much time. I saw a group of Jump Bikes and they’re only two blocks away. They’re coming. For us. You have to be more quiet.

If The Government Wants To Take My Gun They Can Do It From My Cold Dead Hands Because I’ve Just Accidentally Shot Myself by Wayne LaPierre | Oct 26 2018

This is a message to the government: it is my god-given right to bear arms and nothing can deprive me of that. If you want to take my gun, you’ll have to do it from my cold dead hands, because I’ve just accidentally shot myself. And I’m fading fast.

My Heart Will Always Be In Cleveland But The Rest Of My Body Will Be Cryogenically Preserved To Achieve Immortality by LeBron James | Sep 14 2018

Dear Cleveland, I may have joined the Los Angeles Lakers but don’t think that makes my time in Cleveland any less special. Your support has meant the world to me and my heart will always be with you. However, the rest of my body will be cryogenically preserved to achieve immortality.

Yes, Ye May Have A Coffee Free, If Ye Can Solve Mine Riddles Three - By Flimgog The Troll, Manager of Shiru Café | Sep 14 2018

Aye, so ye want Flimgog’s coffee for free? Riddle me then, mine Shiru riddles three! Beginning your quest to quench your dire thirst, attempt, if you’re able, mine riddle the first: I’m an inbox that’s full Of mail only for you And I usually end with brown.edu.

Every Time I Try To Sneak Around On My Tippy Toes, Some Asshole Starts Playing A Xylophone In The Background! | Sep 14 2018

Alright, get this: every single time I try to carefully sneak around, some rascal somewhere just whips out his xylophone and gets right to it. Every single time. No sooner have I started diligently creeping my way down a hallway, with utmost caution and vigilance, when this pentatonic prick grabs his mallets and starts banging away.

Dear God, Please Make Me Smaller by Shaq | Apr 20 2018

Dear God, First of all I want to thank you. My big, strong body is a wonderful gift. It’s been fun being so big but I am getting tired of it. Please make me smaller. When I was playing basketball, being big was good. I liked being big because it let me dunk on people without trying too hard.

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