A listen to a Christmas radio station revealed that a popular song about kissing Santa is a little heavy on the tongue description.
“I don’t remember this part of ‘I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus,’” said local Christmas music enthusiast Maryanne Fray, turning up the radio dial curiously.
In a stunning report by Vox this past week, the index finger was totally the Beyoncé of the hand.
“Yeah, Index Finger has been acting kinda high and mighty lately,” confessed the Ring Finger as they gossipped with Thumb. “And it’s like, yeah, obviously you’re a star, but the rest of us are right here! We do a lot.
Reports from the ocean indicate that a masochistic turtle secretly hopes you don’t cut up those plastic rings.
“Hey, honestly, don’t worry about it,” the turtle said with a conspiratorial grin. “Just toss those bad boys from that six pack of beer right on into the ocean—cut out the middleman.”
“Fuck the environment—I want to get freaky,” added the turtle, who didn’t know why so many environmentalist were so vanilla.
In recent news, a local slinky was showing off all of its curves like it has no idea what it’s doing to onlookers.
“Zamn, shawty!” exclaimed area man Link Wilder, eyeing the slinky’s alluring, concentric metal spirals while it feigned disinterest.
Area birthday clown Bubbles stunned local parents this weekend when he took off his red nose, revealing a jawline sharp enough to slice through any balloon animal.
“I thought I was hiring some old guy in a wig to make balloon animals, but suddenly I’m locking eyes with a total heartthrob,” said party mom Katie Wrubel, adjusting her hair and pretending to be interested in juggling for the first time in her life.
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