Tourists have confirmed that Times Square Elmo looks exactly like the real Elmo, only if Elmo was repeatedly run over by a semi-trailer truck.
“The whole situation was frightening,” reported tourist Nicole Ward as she calmed down her 4-year-old son who broke out into hysterical tears at the sight of the Times Square Elmo.
Sources from Daytona Beach, Florida, announce that after a recent shark attack, the man bit the shark back.
“I don’t know what came over me, truthfully. I was catching some waves on my surfboard, then this big creature came out of nowhere,” said Jason Tighe, wiping blood from his jaw as the great white shark swam sheepishly away, blood streaming from multiple bite wounds on its body.
Local high schoolers were dismayed to learn that the soldier Plinius wasn’t even interesting enough to be in the cool horse part of the army.
“Like whatever, I thought this Roman army project would be fun because we’d get to learn about crazy ancient horse battles.
At local Nathanael Greene Middle School, sources have ascertained that the annoying kid reciting 250 digits of pi is definitely making it up after digit 20.
“Listen, guys, I know 250 digits of pi. I’m gonna start now: three point one four one five nine two six five three five eight nine seven nine three two three eight four six,” said sixth-grader Jeremy Douglass, confidently rattling off the first 20 digits to a circle of mostly unimpressed peers who were about to realize that his knowledge of pi ended exactly there.
Sources report that the “Do Not Press Button, Pedestrian Crossing Now Automatic” sign on Waterman and Thayer seems to be mysteriously placed right above a pressable button.
“I’m getting mixed signals here,” said Monica Abrams, having now been nervously standing at the street corner for five minutes, sweat falling down her face.
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