The Brown Noser

Science & Technology

Surgeon Who Is Also Magician Removes Kidney That Is Also Many Scarves | May 02 2025

During a routine surgery at Rhode Island Hospital this past Monday, Dr. Laurence Mitchell, also known by his stage name “Zozento the Illustrious,” removed a patient’s kidney that was also many scarves. “Yeah, one second Dr. Mitchell was reaching into the patient’s abdomen and pulling out the kidney, and the next, a man in a flowing yellow cape was pulling scarf after scarf out of the patient,” recounted nurse Jessie Ramirez, who reportedly stood slack-jawed as the surgeon/magician continued the operation.

Egg Shortage Not Helping Chicken Performance Anxiety | Mar 14 2025

In a report out of local Sunnyside Farms this week, sources indicated that this whole egg shortage thing was really not helping their chicken with performance anxiety. “We’ve taken to spelling s-h-o-r-t-a-g-e in front of her,” whispered head poultryman Ernest McBride, covertly pointing at a hen cowered in a corner.

Lousy Rube Goldberg Machine Accomplishes Task With Reasonable Efficiency | Mar 14 2025

Sources from MIT’s School of Engineering recently confirmed that their lousily-constructed Rube Goldberg machine accomplishes its intended task with reasonable efficiency. “Ideally, an over-designed machine like this would take several minutes to accomplish a mundane task,” said lead engineer Gregory Lyons as the Rube Goldberg machine cracked an egg into a frying pan through an intricate but exasperatingly efficient set of chain reactions.

Lab Rat Jennifer Has Lowkey Been A Bitch To All The Other Lab Rats Since She Got Injected With Pure Steroids And Her Eyes Exploded | Feb 07 2025

In a shocking report out of Biometric Labs last week, it was reported that Lab Rat Jennifer has been acting so bitchy to everyone ever since she was injected with steroids and her eyes exploded. “Yeah, she’s been in such a pissy mood all week,” Lab Rat Kyle mentioned as scientists injected his testicles with ammonium.

Newly-Hired AI Recommends Firing Itself | Feb 07 2025

This week, correspondents confirmed that a corporation’s recent AI hire, GurpGPT, just recommended firing itself. “While hiring a qualified AI such as myself can lead to increased productivity and value for your corporation, AI hires often lead to potential difficulties such as mismanagement, lack of innovation, and social backlash, which can negatively affect the reputation of your company, especially at this pivotal moment,” wrote GurpGPT in response to a prompt asking it to reflect on the corporation’s hiring process.

OpenAI Announces GPT-5 Will Be Capable Of Feeling Anxiety | Feb 07 2025

OpenAI announced that its long-awaited large language model GPT-5 will be more advanced and humanlike than previous models, even capable of experiencing anxiety. “The progress that AI has made in the past few years is incredible. We got the first really capable chatbots only two years ago.

Scientist Not Mad Enough To Justify Shitty Hairstyle | Feb 07 2025

ources from a clandestine laboratory indicate that a local scientist is not mad enough to justify his shitty hairstyle. “I have a new invention that will change the course of humanity!” exclaimed Barnabus Sharpe, whose head was covered in a patchwork of wispy tufts.

AI-Generated Brownie Recipe Calls For 3 Milks, 6/5 Eggs, 8 Pounds Of Ground Beef | Feb 07 2025

Sources from Brown University confirmed that the newest brownie recipe authored by ChatGPT-4 recommended adding 3 milks, 6/5 eggs, and 8 pounds of ground beef. “People might doubt it, but if this tech can pass the bar exam, it must know what it’s doing,” said Skylar Monroe ‘26 as he poured 12 cups of baking soda into a mixing bowl that was definitely designed to hold less than 12 cups of baking soda.

Bored NASA Releases 36,000 Trout Into Outer Space | Nov 01 2024

Reports from Cape Canaveral indicated that NASA has released 36,000 trout into outer space. “Yeah, and why the hell not?” said Stanley Garland, Chief Engineer of the mission. “We were basically just sitting around, brainstorming some ideas, and then we decided to send a lot of fish to space.

Report: Scientists Flummoxed By Disparity Between Ideal Conditions For Crowdsurfing Versus Actualsurfing | Nov 01 2024

Recent studies have left scientists flummoxed regarding the variance in ideal conditions between crowdsurfing and actualsurfing. “The results are truly flummoxing,” said Dr. Petra Vaughn, lead researcher at the globally-renowned Institute for Surf-Related Activities, who has been hornswoggled by this conundrum.