The Brown Noser

Heimlich Rookie Just Beating Guy Up | Feb 06 2026

It was reported earlier today that a Heimlich new-timer was just beating the shit out of a choking guy. “Live, damn it, live!” said long-time bystander, first-time intervener Erica Nampa as she landed jab after jab against her choking opponent.

Boring Nosebleed Caused By Hereditary Hemorrhagic Telangiectasia Instead Of Super Powers | Feb 06 2026

In a disappointing turn of events, the nosebleed just experienced by local 12-year-old Victor Atkinson is the result of a genetic blood vessel disorder rather than superpowers. “I’m pretty sure I have psychic powers because every time I think about moving something with my mind, my nose bleeds,” said Victor, who had a more or less continuous stream of blood emanating from his nose.

When2meet Update Allows Users To Smell Group Availabilities | Dec 12 2025

On Dec. 3, the When2meet team announced an update to the scheduling software that will allow event organizers to identify availabilities in a whole new way: by scent. “Smell that? Tea tree. That’s how you know all 17 of the test respondents are available,” said When2meet developer Don Engel, PhD, hovering the nose-shaped cursor icon over a green time slot.

iPhone Photos App Creates Heartwarming Memory Slideshow of Family Putting Cat Down | Dec 12 2025

Sources confirmed that the Photos app on Jennifer Jefferson’s iPhone created a montage of the final photos of beloved family cat, Fluffy, before she was taken out of her misery in September. “I accidentally tapped on the memory when I was trying to show a photo of a rash to my dermatologist,” said Jefferson, who shared that her phone had thoughtfully titled the montage “A Day In Philadelphia,” referring to the day when Fluffy was euthanized at the University of Pennsylvania School of Veterinary Medicine.

Colorblind Jedi Really Having Trouble Telling Who’s Evil | Oct 31 2025

Colorblind Jedi Knight Way-Dan Molibu recently revealed that he’s really having trouble telling who’s evil based on their lightsabers. “Sith use red, Jedi use green. But what about greenish-grayish brown?” asked Molibu while taking an eye exam from an optometrist droid.

Rport: Kyboard Has Lost A Lttr | Sep 26 2025

A rcnt rport from a local computr rpair shop indicats that th kyboard is missing a lttr. “Whil th issu can asily occur, this problm can bcom vry srious, spcially whn th ky gts usd frquntly," said rpair shop ownr Frddy Samson, as h sarchd on his hands and kns for th missing ky.

Gatorade Now Milk! | Sep 26 2025

PepsiCo affiliates announce that the beloved drink, Gatorade, is now milk. “Well, we did, guys. It only took 60 years, but finally we perfected the formula for a delicious rehydrating sports drink,” states Ramon Laguarta CEO who insists Florida State basketball team loved the surprise soft launch of this new flavor during their last game.

AI SaaS B2B Startup Receives Millions in Funding to Put Towards Explaining What It Does | Sep 26 2025

Sources in Silicon Valley report that Convalut, an AI SaaS B2B startup founded by Larry Sudeikis ‘24 and Ravi Mehta ‘24, has just raised a $2.5M Series A to put towards explaining what it does. “We’re bleeding-edge, of course, but what we’re trying to achieve is really quite simple,” stated Sudeikis as he confidently clicked through a 47-slide pitch deck where the words ‘synergy,’ ‘verticalized,’ and ‘quantum-readiness’ appeared in progressively larger fonts.

Surgeon Who Is Also Magician Removes Kidney That Is Also Many Scarves | May 02 2025

During a routine surgery at Rhode Island Hospital this past Monday, Dr. Laurence Mitchell, also known by his stage name “Zozento the Illustrious,” removed a patient’s kidney that was also many scarves. “Yeah, one second Dr. Mitchell was reaching into the patient’s abdomen and pulling out the kidney, and the next, a man in a flowing yellow cape was pulling scarf after scarf out of the patient,” recounted nurse Jessie Ramirez, who reportedly stood slack-jawed as the surgeon/magician continued the operation.

Egg Shortage Not Helping Chicken Performance Anxiety | Mar 14 2025

In a report out of local Sunnyside Farms this week, sources indicated that this whole egg shortage thing was really not helping their chicken with performance anxiety. “We’ve taken to spelling s-h-o-r-t-a-g-e in front of her,” whispered head poultryman Ernest McBride, covertly pointing at a hen cowered in a corner.

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