The Brown Noser

Science & Technology

Bored NASA Releases 36,000 Trout Into Outer Space | Nov 01 2024

Reports from Cape Canaveral indicated that NASA has released 36,000 trout into outer space. “Yeah, and why the hell not?” said Stanley Garland, Chief Engineer of the mission. “We were basically just sitting around, brainstorming some ideas, and then we decided to send a lot of fish to space.

Report: Scientists Flummoxed By Disparity Between Ideal Conditions For Crowdsurfing Versus Actualsurfing | Nov 01 2024

Recent studies have left scientists flummoxed regarding the variance in ideal conditions between crowdsurfing and actualsurfing. “The results are truly flummoxing,” said Dr. Petra Vaughn, lead researcher at the globally-renowned Institute for Surf-Related Activities, who has been hornswoggled by this conundrum.

Man Interviewed After Alien Abduction Way Too Neutral About Experience Not To Have Liked Being Probed | Nov 01 2024

After Mr. Isaac Moffat was safely returned from a verified alien abduction last Tuesday, it became clear to reporters that his hard lack of opinion on the event meant that he definitely got probed and undoubtedly enjoyed it very much. “Well, I think everyone is eager to hear that I had a really good time up there, but the truth is that I have absolutely no opinion on the experience at all,” said Moffat in a way which he believed to be tactically concealing.

Bid For Washington Bridge Design Awarded To Team With Tallest Marshmallow Spaghetti Stick Tower | Sep 27 2024

Rhode Island Governor Dan McKee announced that the bid to redesign the Washington Bridge, which recently began crumbling into the Seekonk River, will be awarded to whichever team constructs the tallest marshmallow spaghetti stick tower. “We thought we’d go with a tried and true approach to construction,” said McKee at a press conference in front of the dilapidated bridge.

Out Of Shape Computer Breathing Real Hard Right Now | May 03 2024

Immediately upon opening her laptop Wednesday in class, Madison Bernard ‘26 reported her computer is clearly out of shape since it’s breathing real hard right now. “My computer has been huffing and puffing its ass off since the moment I opened Safari,” said Bernard as the computer’s pathetic endurance disrupted the entirety of her sociology lecture.

Soil Scientists Delighted To Announce It’s Pretty Much Everywhere | May 03 2024

Soil scientists from the US Department of Agriculture are pleased to announce that it is probably in most places. “We’ve had the privilege to use the decades-long research of our predecessors as a springboard for this groundbreaking thesis. Literally ground breaking! Boy, do we love breaking ground,” said Dr.

Raytheon Whistleblower Dies Of Self-Inflicted Drone Strike | May 03 2024

A former Raytheon employee known for raising concerns about the ethicality of the firm’s business has been found dead from a self-inflicted drone strike. “Tragically, it appears John Greenberg decided to take his own life with a precision-guided strike,” said Carl Chase, lead investigator on the case.

Family Shared iCloud Fucked Up Beyond Repair | Oct 31 2022

After noticing she had 8,000 new photos and 2,000 new text messages, Sharon Swiss realized that her family’s shared iCloud is fucked up beyond repair. “When I looked at my photos there were 250 pictures of just the inside of my dad’s pocket and I think I get a notification every time my sister gets an email, text or Snapchat,” Swiss said, burying her phone deep in her pocket to silence the constant buzzing. At press time, Swiss has been permanently locked out of her Game Pigeon account.

Woman Thinks Of The Perfect Tweet For Seven Years Ago | Oct 31 2022

Local Twitter user Meghan Jinkle has just thought of what would’ve been a perfect tweet about seven years ago. “Ah, shit! Why did I just think of this now?” stated Jinkle, who, at that very moment, had realized that Pompeii was kind of the first mannequin challenge.

Nature Documentary Has Clear Pro- Coral Reef Bias | Sep 16 2022

According to media watchdogs, Netflix’s new nature documentary “Our Blue Marvel,” has a clear bias in favor of coral reefs. “For a show to claim that it’s nonfiction, it should be held to certain standards of impartiality,” wrote media journalist Raquel Norman for her organization, Fairness in Communication.