The Brown Noser

JD Vance Stuck With Bathroom Duty Again On White House Chore List | May 02 2025

Sources from the Oval Office recently confirmed that Vice President JD Vance has been assigned bathroom duty yet again on the White House chore list. “Aww, man! You’ve gotta be kidding me!” bemoaned the vice president as his eyes darted across a whiteboard that also excused President Trump from doing chores for the third consecutive week.

Elon Musk Recommends Turning Economy Off And Back On Again | May 02 2025

Sources from the White House reported this Tuesday that Elon Musk, adviser to the president, has recommended turning the economy off and back on again. “Hey, uhh, Donald, I was thinking, like, I think it might be beneficial to powercycle the economy,” said Musk as the Dow dropped 5,000 points.

Trump Administration Spending 20 Million Gold And Elixir To Upgrade Border Wall To Level 17 | May 02 2025

Citing the need for heightened border security, the Trump administration recently finalized plans to spend 20 million gold and elixir to upgrade the US-Mexico border wall to Level 17. “Our newest investment in border security is the best use of taxpayer dollars—and Mom’s credit card—to keep Americans safe,” said border czar Tom Homan while observing a vast stretch of border wall that was Level 3, at best.

RFK Jr.’s Brain Worm Breaks Barriers As First Parasite In Cabinet Since Dick Cheney | May 02 2025

A trailblazing tapeworm has wriggled onto the national stage in the footsteps of Dick Cheney, jointly leading the Department of Health and Human Services from inside the brain of Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. “We haven’t seen this level of parasitic representation in government since former Vice President Cheney,” noted presidential historian Gordon McGee, referring to the hominid-sized parasite attached to George W.

RFK Jr. Officially Lengthens Five-Second Rule | May 02 2025

As part of his mission to “make America healthy again,” RFK Jr. has recently announced that he is officially lengthening the five-second rule. “Food used to come from the ground, and now we won’t let it sit there for more than five seconds? Ridiculous!” croaked Kennedy, claiming that the initiative would reduce food waste as well as build immunity to natural floor-borne illness.

Trump Declares Himself Law After Eating Executive Order | Mar 14 2025

Sources from the White House recently confirmed that President Donald Trump has declared himself law after consuming his latest executive order. “As our Founding Fathers—George, Thomas, Alexander, Doug—once said, any president that eats his own executive order becomes law of the land,” lied President Trump while using the Bill of Rights to wipe leftover crumbs from his face.

Conservative Federal Employee Psyched To Be Executed In The Name Of Government Efficiency | Mar 14 2025

In the wake of new DOGE policies targeting extraneous government payrolls, a conservative federal employee is so psyched about being executed to improve government efficiency. “Yeah, a notice of execution showed up in our email inboxes this morning.

Report: Hunter Biden’s Only Crime Was Having A Good Time | Mar 14 2025

Federal prosecutors have determined that Hunter Biden is only guilty of having a good time. “Hunter has lived quite the exciting life. Tax evasion, smoking crack, cruising toward Las Vegas at 170 miles per hour, you name it,” said United States Attorney Brendan Myers, sifting through photos of Hunter Biden surrounded by prostitutes in a hot tub.

RFK Jr. To Replace Fluoride In Water With Heroin | Mar 14 2025

Secretary of Health and Human Services Robert F. Kennedy Jr. announced his intentions to stop adding fluoride to public water supplies and begin adding heroin instead. “Public health in the United States is currently in a terrible state. We have far too many seed oils in our foods, dangerous vaccines in our blood, and toxic fluoride in our drinking water,” Kennedy said, adjusting his tinfoil hat.

Trump Administration Announces Uniformity, Inequity, and Exclusion Committee | Mar 14 2025

This past Tuesday, the White House officially inaugurated its newest committee, the Uniformity, Inequity, and Exclusion (UIE) taskforce. “Once we found out what DEI stood for, we knew we needed to take action,” said Vice President JD Vance, a longtime advocate for homogeneity.

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