The Brown Noser

Politics

Defiant Democratic Party Undeterred By Mamdani Victory | Dec 12 2025

In the wake of the New York mayoral election, a defiant Democratic Party has signaled they will not be dissuaded by Mamdani’s victory. “The Democratic Party is an institution whose principles do not change, even in the face of overwhelming scrutiny from our constituents,” said Minority Leader Chuck Schumer, choosing his words carefully so as not to accidentally inspire anybody.

Report: American Legal System Transitioning From Ruth Ginsburg To Rube Goldberg | Sep 26 2025

Sources at the Supreme Court report that the American legal system’s procedures continue to become endlessly convoluted, now less reminiscent of Ruth Bader Ginsburg and more of a Rube Goldberg machine. “Pursuant to the Doctrine of Procedural Adjudication, the defendant henceforth raises a motion to compel a motion to dismiss the motion previously compelled,” asserted Bob Danson, Esq., as he concluded his 17-hour-long opening statements, straying further from Ruth Bader Ginsburg’s principles with each passing hour, and the opposition readied their witness.

Policeman on Bike Environmentally Conscious Yet Complicit in an Unjust System | Sep 26 2025

Sources indicate that a policeman on a bicycle has a deep regard for the environment yet helps perpetuate systemic racism and racial profiling. “Did you know we’re on track to lose winter ice caps as soon as 2027?” said Officer Walton, who participates in a system responsible for disproportionate police shootings and arrests of people of color.

JD Vance Stuck With Bathroom Duty Again On White House Chore List | May 02 2025

Sources from the Oval Office recently confirmed that Vice President JD Vance has been assigned bathroom duty yet again on the White House chore list. “Aww, man! You’ve gotta be kidding me!” bemoaned the vice president as his eyes darted across a whiteboard that also excused President Trump from doing chores for the third consecutive week.

Elon Musk Recommends Turning Economy Off And Back On Again | May 02 2025

Sources from the White House reported this Tuesday that Elon Musk, adviser to the president, has recommended turning the economy off and back on again. “Hey, uhh, Donald, I was thinking, like, I think it might be beneficial to powercycle the economy,” said Musk as the Dow dropped 5,000 points.

Trump Administration Spending 20 Million Gold And Elixir To Upgrade Border Wall To Level 17 | May 02 2025

Citing the need for heightened border security, the Trump administration recently finalized plans to spend 20 million gold and elixir to upgrade the US-Mexico border wall to Level 17. “Our newest investment in border security is the best use of taxpayer dollars—and Mom’s credit card—to keep Americans safe,” said border czar Tom Homan while observing a vast stretch of border wall that was Level 3, at best.

RFK Jr.’s Brain Worm Breaks Barriers As First Parasite In Cabinet Since Dick Cheney | May 02 2025

A trailblazing tapeworm has wriggled onto the national stage in the footsteps of Dick Cheney, jointly leading the Department of Health and Human Services from inside the brain of Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. “We haven’t seen this level of parasitic representation in government since former Vice President Cheney,” noted presidential historian Gordon McGee, referring to the hominid-sized parasite attached to George W.

RFK Jr. Officially Lengthens Five-Second Rule | May 02 2025

As part of his mission to “make America healthy again,” RFK Jr. has recently announced that he is officially lengthening the five-second rule. “Food used to come from the ground, and now we won’t let it sit there for more than five seconds? Ridiculous!” croaked Kennedy, claiming that the initiative would reduce food waste as well as build immunity to natural floor-borne illness.

Trump Declares Himself Law After Eating Executive Order | Mar 14 2025

Sources from the White House recently confirmed that President Donald Trump has declared himself law after consuming his latest executive order. “As our Founding Fathers—George, Thomas, Alexander, Doug—once said, any president that eats his own executive order becomes law of the land,” lied President Trump while using the Bill of Rights to wipe leftover crumbs from his face.

Conservative Federal Employee Psyched To Be Executed In The Name Of Government Efficiency | Mar 14 2025

In the wake of new DOGE policies targeting extraneous government payrolls, a conservative federal employee is so psyched about being executed to improve government efficiency. “Yeah, a notice of execution showed up in our email inboxes this morning.