The Brown Noser

Trump Declares Himself Law After Eating Executive Order | Mar 14 2025

Sources from the White House recently confirmed that President Donald Trump has declared himself law after consuming his latest executive order. “As our Founding Fathers—George, Thomas, Alexander, Doug—once said, any president that eats his own executive order becomes law of the land,” lied President Trump while using the Bill of Rights to wipe leftover crumbs from his face.

Conservative Federal Employee Psyched To Be Executed In The Name Of Government Efficiency | Mar 14 2025

In the wake of new DOGE policies targeting extraneous government payrolls, a conservative federal employee is so psyched about being executed to improve government efficiency. “Yeah, a notice of execution showed up in our email inboxes this morning.

Report: Hunter Biden’s Only Crime Was Having A Good Time | Mar 14 2025

Federal prosecutors have determined that Hunter Biden is only guilty of having a good time. “Hunter has lived quite the exciting life. Tax evasion, smoking crack, cruising toward Las Vegas at 170 miles per hour, you name it,” said United States Attorney Brendan Myers, sifting through photos of Hunter Biden surrounded by prostitutes in a hot tub.

RFK Jr. To Replace Fluoride In Water With Heroin | Mar 14 2025

Secretary of Health and Human Services Robert F. Kennedy Jr. announced his intentions to stop adding fluoride to public water supplies and begin adding heroin instead. “Public health in the United States is currently in a terrible state. We have far too many seed oils in our foods, dangerous vaccines in our blood, and toxic fluoride in our drinking water,” Kennedy said, adjusting his tinfoil hat.

Trump Administration Announces Uniformity, Inequity, and Exclusion Committee | Mar 14 2025

This past Tuesday, the White House officially inaugurated its newest committee, the Uniformity, Inequity, and Exclusion (UIE) taskforce. “Once we found out what DEI stood for, we knew we needed to take action,” said Vice President JD Vance, a longtime advocate for homogeneity.

Melania Trump Reveals She Got Inauguration And Michael Jackson Look-Alike Contest Invites Mixed Up | Feb 07 2025

In a not-so-surprising turn of events, Melania Trump revealed she accidentally got the dates for the Presidential Inauguration and the Michael Jackson look-alike competition mixed up. “I had received both invites on the same day, so I put them on my desk right on top of each other,” explained Trump, practicing her moonwalking before getting in the car.

TikTok Declares Fealty To Glorious Leader Donald Trump | Feb 07 2025

The popular social media app TikTok has released a message to all users proclaiming their fealty to the new United States President, Donald Trump. “Thanks to the monumental Efforts of this Titan-King, we have been spared. O Praise, O Praise, we are not worthy,” began the message, which was over 500 words and contained confusing formatting and capitalizations.

Report: At Least Biden Still Giving Office Siren | Feb 07 2025

In a hopeful scene out of Washington this past week, it was reported that despite it all, President Biden was still giving Office Siren. “He’s still serving, you can’t deny it,” said former Secretary of the Treasury Janet Yellen as Biden strutted down the hallway, black Chanel loafers clicking seductively.

North Korea Announces Successful Test Of Giant Mallet That Will Smash South Korea | Feb 07 2025

North Korea said Tuesday that its latest weapons test was a giant, mechanized mallet designed to smash South Korea into bits. “We have just completed a test of a powerful new weapon that will reliably smash any rivals in the Pacific region,” said leader Kim Jong Un, who vowed to further expand his collection of hammers and mallets to counter rival nations.

President Trump Proposes Don Jr. To Be 51st State | Feb 07 2025

President Donald Trump has announced plans for his eldest son, Donald Trump Jr., to become America’s 51st state. “This is a historic moment for America,” President Trump boasted as he weaved through a convoluted speech outlining the economic benefits of Don Jr.

Politics