Since he dropped out of the presidential race in early November, former Texas Congressman Beto O’Rourke has reportedly earned a B+ on his Spanish midterm.
“We are excited to announce that, after a week of dedicated studying, Congressman O’Rourke received an 89% on his Spanish 300 midterm,” read the press release.
A new Gallup poll released this morning has found that if the general election were moved to December 6, 2019, a majority of Americans would be surprised.
“A full 80% of respondents would describe themselves as ‘very confused’ if the 2020 election were moved to 2019,” said CNN analyst Sharon Marcus.
According to a recent campaign donor report, Joe Biden's presidential campaign is almost entirely financed by Crest Whitestrips.
"Joe's teeth are so white that Crest is practically bankrolling our campaign at this point," admitted Greg Schultz, Biden's campaign manager.
This past Saturday, SNL absolutely roasted a number of political figures by objectively stating what they did.
“The cold open is our chance to make the largest cultural impact with our comedy,” explained head writer James McDavis. “We figured we could really take a jab at the current administration by having celebrities straightforwardly recount the past week’s headlines.”
“In addition to having the legendary Alec Baldwin reprise his role as Trump, we are looking to get Tim Robinson here to play President Zelensky,” said McDavis.
Sources reported Tuesday that cool, smart world leaders continued to make really good decisions.
The brilliant leaders, collectively responsible for the world’s environment, governments, and economies, were seen doing really good things that are actively improving people’s lives as well as the world at large.
Sources report that, in anticipation of a semester in the nation’s capital, weird “Brown in Washington, D.C.” fellowship participant George Paul ‘21 is acting like he’s abroad. Just an hour’s plane ride away from Providence, Paul explained how excited he was for a “life-changing” experience.
In a landmark decision on the legality of drawing legislative districts to favor one political party, the Supreme Court ruled that gerrymandering has a silly name.
“It is the opinion of the Court that whoever came up with the name ‘gerrymandering’ must have been a really goofy guy,” Chief Justice John Roberts wrote for the majority, delivering a ruling poised to alter the political landscape for a generation.
In a statement released last Tuesday, Fox News announced the hiring of their newest reporter, a conventionally attractive demon. “He’s going to fit right in,” said Fox News CEO Rupert Murdoch about the new hire. “The decision was really a no-brainer since he had all the qualifications we look for.
A new poll released by Gallup on the eve of the 2018-midterm elections indicates that a historic number of Americans plan to be aware that midterm elections do in fact exist. The results, which surveyed a representative sample of registered voters, indicate that 63% of Americans have plans to know that midterm elections are taking place on Tuesday, November 6th, up from a dismal 52% in 2014.
Calling it one of the toughest decisions of his career, Rhode Island Democratic Senator Floyd Bobbler took a brave bipartisan stand last Tuesday and crossed party lines to vote against human decency.
“I am not going to let partisan politics, or a basic sense of right and wrong, stand in the way of progress for our country,” Bobbler reported after the vote.