1. About
  2. Archive
  3. Join us!
  4. Feeds
Thursday, April 9, 2020
Partly Cloudy icon Partly Cloudy, 64°

The Brown Noser

Campus Life

Cast Of Student Play Generously Treats Audience To Post-Show Talkback |

Assembling a line of folding chairs in the center of Leeds Theater last Sunday, the cast of Sock & Buskin’s recent play “My Country, My Time” was generous enough to treat its audience to a post-show talkback. “We really lucked out!” commented Charisse Bedford ’21 as the 4-person cast fielded questions from their rapt, lavishly-spoiled audience, shedding light on the one-act play that commented on a gamut of heavy topics from climate anxiety to the American dream.

BDH Begs Brown Community To Stop Sending So Much Fan Mail |

Citing a continuous and overwhelming deluge of positive feedback in both their physical and online inboxes, the Brown Daily Herald has pleaded for the Brown community to stop sending so much fan mail. “We adore and appreciate our fans so much,” said Editor-in-Chief Brango Hughley ’20 at a packed press conference held in Salomon auditorium Tuesday evening.

"Don’t Worry, It’s The Brown Noser," Student Handing Out Newspaper Clarifies To Frightened Passerby |

Sources report that a student handing out newspapers clarifiedm “Don’t worry, it’s the Brown Noser,” to a frightened passerby. “I could see the fear in that guy’s eyes,” explained Noser Staff Writer Sarah Hart, recalling the momentary panic she caused by offering him a copy of the new Noser issue.

Editors' Note: Bringing The Noser Into The Future |

You might notice that the Noser in your hands looks a bit different. You better notice. We worked hard on that. It’s sleeker, it’s sexier, it’s beefier, and most importantly, it embodies the spirit of the new decade. That’s right. We’re bringing The Noser into the twentieth century.

Madame Clementine's Horoscopes |

Aries (Mar 21 – Apr 21): You’re feeling confident and energetic today. Help out a friend. Taurus (Apr 20 – May 20): Your energy has been imbued with generosity recently. Be sure to help out when your friends are in need! Gemini (May 21 – Jun 20): When you get stuck in a rut, your soul shrivels.

Indy Trying To Redeem Themselves After Recent Issue Made A Little Bit Of Sense |

Pacing back and forth during a recent meeting, the editors-in-chief of The College Hill Independent were scrambling to redeem themselves after realizing their recent issue made a little bit of sense. “We have to do some real damage control here,” design editor Nick Bates ‘20 said, despondently scanning the recent issue that didn’t contain a single two-page spread of blurry film negatives and actually made a comprehensible point about climate change in one of its essays.

Class Becomes Tense With Delight Every Time British Student Speaks |

Barely concealing their excitement as their classmate raised his hand in response to a question last Tuesday, sources reported that the entirety of British student Spencer Callahan’s archaeology section becomes tense with delight whenever he speaks.

Report: One Guy In A Cappella Group Just Going “Shoop” |

According to those in attendance at The Bear Necessities’ latest arch sing, one guy in the a cappella group was just going “shoop.” The three-song set, which contained a Disney medley, “American Boy,” and “Lovefool,” was a feat for Owen Markinson ‘23, who just went “shoop” for 20 minutes straight while everyone else took turns singing harmonies, beatboxing, and performing high-energy solos.

BPR Proudly Provides Only Source Of Koch-Funded Political Commentary On Campus |

In an editors’ note in their latest issue, the Brown Political Review expressed pride at providing Brown’s only source of political commentary funded by the conservative megadonor Charles Koch. “The founders of BPR identified a clear lack of political writing at Brown paid for by billionaire oil tycoons hellbent on pouring their wealth into reshaping American politics to reflect their extreme worldview,” wrote Edgar Flinkton ‘20, editor-in-chief of BPR.

Indy Trying To Redeem Themselves After Recent Issue Made A Little Bit Of Sense |

Pacing back and forth during a recent meeting, the editors-in-chief of The College Hill Independent were scrambling to redeem themselves after realizing their recent issue made a little bit of sense. “We have to do some real damage control here,” design editor Nick Bates ‘20 said, despondently scanning the recent issue that didn’t contain a single two-page spread of blurry film negatives and actually made a comprehensible point about climate change in one of its essays.

Area Man Resorts To Toilet Paper After Running Out Of Brown Daily Herald |

Sources report that area man Kent Wilson was forced to use toilet paper this Tuesday after running out of copies of the Brown Daily Herald. “I was in a tough spot,” Wilson said, remembering the difficult situation he found himself in. “Midway through, I’m looking around the stall — not a Herald in sight.

"Friendly Reminder” Email Openly Antagonistic |

An email sent out on Tuesday, whose first line began with the phrase “Friendly reminder” actually turned out to be openly antagonistic, sources report. The email was sent by Janet Fletcher ‘22 to her Organic Chemistry study group, all of whom had previously agreed to fill out a When2Meet to schedule the group’s regular study sessions — but many of whom had failed to do so, according to the overtly hostile email Fletcher sent.

Everyone In Gym Looking At You, Wondering Why You’re There |

Every single person in the Nelson Fitness Center yesterday, from staff to student athletes to casual exercisers, confirmed that they were in fact looking at you and wondering why you even made the effort to come to the gym. “It’s almost laughable.

New Tablecloths The Finishing Touch On Sumptuous, Bespoke Ratty Dining Experience |

Sources report that in January, the Ratty’s addition of white tablecloths to many tables provided a finishing touch to the establishment’s sumptuous, bespoke dining experience. “When I head to the Ratty, I expect to be wined and dined,” said Henry Covington ’23.

Professor Still Referencing Jeremy’s Answer From First Class |

Sources in ENGL1050: American Novels have reported that, as of Thursday, professor Dan Garland was still referencing Jeremy’s answer from the first class. “If we remember what Jeremy said in our first meeting,” Garland told his class, gesturing towards Jeremy Connelly ’23 as they discussed Herman Melville’s Moby Dick.

Scrabble Player Just Crossing Fingers That “Dup” Somehow Word |

Taking a blind risk as he completed his turn in a game of Scrabble this weekend, area man Drip McGill was just crossing his fingers that “dup” was somehow a word. “I’m out of options,” McGill confessed, hesitantly edging his U and P tiles beneath a D to create the questionable sequence of letters.

Report: Spring Semester Mostly Winter |

A new study has shown that the period known as “Spring Semester” is, in fact, mostly just more winter. “You would expect that something called ‘Spring Semester’ would take place almost entirely in the season of spring,” commented lead researcher Jannie Farnsworth.

Class Becomes Tense With Delight Every Time British Student Speaks |

Barely concealing their excitement as their classmate raised his hand in response to a question last Tuesday, sources reported that the entirety of British student Spencer Callahan’s archaeology section becomes tense with delight whenever he speaks.

Socially Liberal But Fiscally Conservative Student Hates Poor People, Loves Gay People, Feels Ambivalent About Poor Gay People |

Socially liberal but fiscally conservative student Tyler Williams ’20 reportedly hates poor people, loves gay people, and feels ambivalent poor gay people. “Let me break it down for you,” Williams said, laying out his worldview. “Gay people? Great.

Brown Instagram Account Informs Followers That It Is Winter |

On Wednesday, the Brown University Instagram account informed its 188,000 followers that it is winter. Posting a photo of bundled students walking through Faunce Arch with the caption “Brrr, winter on College Hill!” the account dutifully let the Brown community know that it is currently the year’s coldest season.

Rich Kid Lands Internship With Maximum Wage |

Local rich kid Benny Hart recently landed a little summer internship earning maximum wage. “I’m just excited to get some experience in the finance world,” said Hart, a financial dependent in an upper-class family. “I figure everyone has to work a few max wage jobs right out of school.” Despite only getting maximum wage, Hart will be able to take full advantage of working alongside real people in the field, like his dad and his dad’s friends.

Loser Freshman Can’t Even Get Rashid Zia To Sit With Him |

Sources report that loser freshman John Greco has been consistently unsuccessful in getting Dean of the College Rashid Zia to sit with him. “I’ve tried everything,” Greco lamented in his annoying little loser voice. “I camp out in the Ratty for hours doing engineering problems and loudly saying ‘Gee, I love the Open Curriculum but sometimes I have questions about it.’ He’ll go and sit at anyone’s table.

Stacy's Pita Chips From Blue Room Offer Genuine Taste Of The Mediterranean |

Sources report that buying Stacy’s Pita Chips from the Blue Room offers patrons a genuine taste of the Mediterranean. “I’ve seen the searing blue sea off the coast of Santorini, I’ve drunk wine on the beaches of the Cinque Terre, but I’ve never felt more, shall I say, Medditeranean, than when I’m eating Stacy’s Pita Chips, which contain real sea salt,” declared Bernard Swifty ’21, reveling in the transportative qualities of the chip.

Computer Science Department To Offer CS 001: Intro To Social Life |

Starting for the Class of 2024, the Computer Science department has announced that it will require all CS concentrators to take CS 001: Introduction to Social Life. A preliminary syllabus released by the CS department detailed that course will begin with a unit on time management.

Accessible, Unpretentious School Sells Sushi At Rockefeller Library |

In pursuing its standard as a welcoming, unpretentious institution, Brown University sells sushi at the Rockefeller Library. “We strive to make Brown an open and inclusive institution,” said President Christina Paxson in a statement Wednesday, referencing a school that has Japanese delicacies readily available at a library bearing the name of a famous multi-billionaire.

Tent On Simmons Quad Good Omen For Availability Of Hors D'oeuvres |

According to sources, the pitching of a large white tent on Simmons Quad is a good omen for the availability of free hors d’oeuvres. “This must mean that some sort of dignitaries are visiting or an important campus anniversary is being celebrated,” said freshman Ainsley Tomaselli while scanning Today@Brown to find the upcoming event.

Report: One Guy In A Cappella Group Just Going “Shoop” |

According to those in attendance at The Bear Necessities’ latest arch sing, one guy in the a cappella group was just going “shoop.” The three-song set, which contained a Disney medley, “American Boy,” and “Lovefool,” was a feat for Owen Markinson ‘23, who just went “shoop” for 20 minutes straight while everyone else took turns singing harmonies, beatboxing, and performing high-energy solos.

New Caliente Snackpass Discount Whatever You Willing To Pay |

Sources report that Caliente’s new Snackpass discount is whatever you are willing to pay. The deal, available via the food-ordering mobile app, represents a desperate gamble for the Mexican restaurant as it attempts to break into the Thayer restaurant market.

BPR Party Playlist Just Latest Episode Of The Daily On Repeat |

Sources report that the playlist for a Brown Political Review party last night was just the lastest episode of The Daily on repeat. “I went in expecting there to be some kind of music,” explained Macy Rockwell, who attended the party as a guest.

Thayer Street Is So Quaint, Reports Mom Who Has Never Been Mowed Down By Uber At 3 PM On Tuesday |

Local mom Susan Gilford recently remarked that Thayer Street is so quaint, revealing she has never been mowed down by an Uber at 3 pm on a Tuesday. “Thayer is so nice with its tiny shops and restaurants," said Gilford, who has never once had to dodge an oncoming ride-sharing vehicle barreling down the road on her way home from class.

"Mind If I Sit With You?" Dean Zia Asks Group Of Students At GCB |

In an effort to reach out to students where they are, Dean of the College Rashid Zia ’01 reportedly asked to sit with a group of students drinking at the Graduate Center Bar on Tuesday night. “Got room for one more here?” Zia asked, scooching a chair up to the table of juniors getting trashed on a pitcher of Narragansett.

Discouraged Provost Locke Scouring Noser Pages For Article About Him |

Desperately flipping through the Brown Noser copy he just picked up at Faunce Arch, Provost Richard Locke grew discouraged as he scoured the pages of the Noser for an article about him. “Of course, there’s the usual Rashid Zia article,” Locke complained, slumping further back in his chair as he neared the end of the latest issue.

SciLi Introduces 150 Decibel Fireworks Zone |

The Sciences Library is introducing a new 150 decibel fireworks zone, according to the building’s head librarian. “We know everybody enjoys studying differently,” said head librarian Raul Jimenez, explaining the new area in the SciLi’s Friedman Study Center where firework use will be permitted.

RISD Fashion Show Just Single Man Not Wearing Pants |

According to fashion aficionado James Kroneberg, the RISD fashion show was just a single man not wearing pants. “I came expecting to see all sorts of revolutionary designs from the nation’s top young fashion designers,” said Kroneberg, a confused look on his face.

Search The Brown Noser

poll
View polls