The Brown Noser

Campus Life

Brown To Require Students To Purchase “Lobster Sundays” Dining Add-On To Improve Food Security |

According to a statement released Friday, Brown will require all students to purchase a new “Lobster Sundays” dining add-on in an effort to strengthen food security on campus. Under the new policy, students will receive a “delicious lobster lunch” every Sunday at the Sharpe Refectory for a mandatory fee.

Tight-Knit Unit Holds Hands Everywhere They Go |

Meandering across campus in a serpentine line, students in freshman Unit 12 have become so close-knit in the first two weeks of school that they all hold hands everywhere they go. “We just really get along,” said Polly McGarron, intertwining her fingers with her unit mates on either side.

English Concentrator Ready To Return From Summer Of Relaxed Reading To Semester Of Relaxed Reading |

After a long summer of relaxed reading, English concentrator Alex Springer returned to campus ready for another semester of relaxed reading. “Summer is great, but sitting at home with a bunch of downtime to read can get boring after a while,” Springer said.

Eager Students Line Up Around Block For Grand Opening Of Chase Bank |

Eagerly awaiting the grand opening of Thayer Street’s newest banking location, dozens of students lined up around the block early in the morning to be among the first to make transactions with Chase Bank. “I’ve been so excited for this day ever since I heard Chase Bank was coming to Thayer,” said Alicia Yang ’21, who reportedly woke up at 5:00 A.M.

Today@Brown Email Offers Brutal Reminder That Problem Set Not Going Well |

Freshman Alan Lickman reports that the latest ‘Today@Brown’ email is offering a merciless reminder that his problem set is not going smoothly. “Once I got the newsletter, which featured Brown Compost Club, a LinkedIn workshop, and Brown Aerial Arts tryouts, I realized I was pretty screwed,” Lickman lamented as he scanned the well-formatted digest that materialized in his inbox at 1:09 AM, cruelly signaling that his struggle through the multivariable calculus homework was now entering perilous territory.

Incoming Freshman Ready To Leave Petty High School Drama Behind, Start New, Sophisticated College Drama |

Incoming Brown University freshman Lauren Hobard recently expressed how ready she felt to leave behind immature, petty high school drama and start new, sophisticated college drama. “I’m just so over high school drama,” Hobard said. “High school was just a bunch of childish gossip and rumors being spread about everybody.

Freshman Confidently Gives Wrong Directions To Other Freshman |

Upon seeing a fellow classmate who appeared to be lost, freshman Scott Tremble confidently gave wrong directions to another freshman. “You should find the Rock if you walk straight that way,” Tremble unabashedly explained, directing his peer in the direction opposite his desired destination. “I went on a tour during ADOCH, so I know the campus pretty well now.” At press time, Tremble was reportedly leading a group of freshmen up Thayer street toward Jo’s.

Report: It’s So Weird To Be Back! |

According to all students returning to campus, it’s so weird to be back! The student body described in a press conference Thursday how crazy it is to return to the university they left just a few months prior. “Wow. It almost doesn’t feel real,” the students said with a dazed look of wonder in their eyes.

Single Tootsie Roll All It Takes For Weak-Willed Freshman To Sign Up For Knitting Club Listserv |

Sources close to the situation report that new freshman Harry Evans ‘23 has been persuaded to put his name on the knitting club Listserv by a single Tootsie Roll. “I came to the Activities Fair hoping to find out more about a few clubs I’m interested in and then leave,” Evans reported.

Junior Having Mid-College Crisis Buys Poster Of Sports Car |

In the midst of having a mid-college crisis, Junior Brett Stetson has bought a poster of a sports car. Stetson used to have pictures of his family on his wall, but he has since taped the new poster of a vintage 1975 Dodge Dart right on top of them. “He realized he was halfway done with college, and that led to some existential meltdowns,” reported Horatio Blank, Stetson’s roommate.

A Cappella Group Initiates New Members With Cute Little Blood Pact |

Gathering their new recruits in a circle, a cappella group The PemBlokes initiated their 4 new members this past weekend with an adorable little blood pact. “This is just a cute little thing we do to make the new guys feel special,” president Carl Stroop said while polishing a ceremonial knife.

BDH Grateful That Nothing Newsworthy Happens Over Weekends, Breaks, And All Summer |

After a relaxing and much needed summer break, reporters at the Brown Daily Herald are grateful that nothing newsworthy happens over weekends, breaks, and all summer. “During the school year, we work tirelessly to bring the Brown community new articles every weekday,” said Ron Stinch, editor of the Providence news section.

Jabberwocks Make Strides Towards Equality By Letting Person Of Any Gender Be In Pointless Group With Silly Name |

Abandoning tradition in a commitment to social progress, a cappella group The Jabberwocks made strides towards equality this week by allowing anyone, regardless of gender, to audition for their pointless group with a dumb name. “This is years in the making,” president Jonathan Shay ‘20 proudly explained, emphasizing that an immense amount of thought went into the pivotal decision for his silly a cappella group with a needlessly stupid name.

University Demolishes Historic Building Just To Let Off Some Steam |

Saying that it really needed this chance to let loose, the University reportedly demolished the historic Gardner House just to blow off some steam. “Ahhh, now that feels a lot better,” the University announced in a press release after tearing down the early-19th century house on the National Register of Historic Places.

Econ Professor Teaches First Lesson Of Semester By Jacking Up Price Of Textbook He Wrote |

Starting his introductory microeconomics course off with a demonstration of monopoly power, Professor of Economics Adlai Woodsworth taught his students their first lesson of the semester by jacking up the price of the mandatory textbook he wrote for the course.

Student From New York Thinks That Should About Do It For Their Personality |

Reflecting on his first few weeks at college, freshman Jonah Biller decided that, as far as a personality goes, being from New York should just about do it. “During the icebreaking activities with my unit, I was wondering how I could make myself stand out,” Biller said, recounting his epiphany that being from New York provides everything he’d ever need in a personality.

Prodigy First-Year Has Already Mastered Art Of Making Sure Ratty Worker Understands He's Just Gonna Head To The Bathroom And Will Be Right Back |

First-Year Noah Glickman has already mastered the art of making sure the Ratty worker sitting at the front understands he’s only heading to the bathroom, and he will be right back. Glickman has surprised upperclassmen and Ratty staff alike by how quickly he’s learned the nuanced facial expressions and hand gestures along with a polite yet emphatic mouthing of the words, “I’m just going to the bathroom, I’ll be right back.” “It just came naturally,” Glickman said.

Devoted CS15 TA Stays In Character As "Local Variable 2" For Days Before Skit |

To prepare for an upcoming educational skit about how variables work in Java, devoted CS15 TA Cameron Behr has reportedly committed himself to staying in character as “Local Variable 2” for several days leading up to the performance. “Cam has taken rehearsing for this skit way too seriously,” said Emily Toolan, another TA for the introductory computer science course playing the part of “Parameter 1” in a scene with Behr.

Freshman Repeating “So Where Are You From?” To Every Living Thing Encountered |

Sources report freshman Kyle Jeffries has been repeating “So where are you from?” to every living thing he encounters. “It started at the Ice Cream Social,” said fellow freshman Nigel Singh, noting that Jeffries immediately asked him and his friends the question when they met on the main green that night.

Scatterbrained Meiklejohn Confuses Advisee Meeting For Tinder Date |

Mixing up two different appointments in his busy schedule, scatterbrained Meiklejohn peer adviser Michael Hall ’22 reportedly confused a meeting with a freshman advisee for a date with a Tinder match. “When he started out by asking what I do for fun I figured he was just being friendly and getting to know me,” said Anika Mishra ’23, Hall’s first-year advisee.

Christina Paxson Proudly Reports That Class Of 2023 An Entire 5% Hotter Than Class of 2022 |

Proudly addressing distinguished faculty and staff on Monday, President Christian Paxson announced the findings of a recent study indicating that the Class of 2023 is an entire 5% hotter than the preceding Class of 2022. “Every year we strive for an incoming class that exhibits a continuing devotion to improving our university,” Paxson declared at the recent faculty luncheon.

Unit Wars Finally Halted By Unit Peace Accords |

Putting an end to hours of brutal competition between warring factions of freshmen, the Unit Wars were finally halted by the recent signing of the Unit Peace Accords. “The University will long remember the armistice we’ve established here today,” said Maya Alcala ’21, an RPL in EmWool who presided over the ceasefire negotiations that ended the watermelon eating contests and three-legged races that had shaken the freshman class to its core.

Drunk Friend Announces Plans To Climb That Tree |

Addressing a crowd outside a large oak tree on Wriston Quad, drunk Sophomore Alex Sandro announced his intention to climb that tree. “I’m gonna do it!” Sandro shouted, while noticeably swaying on the spot. “That one over there. It looks big but I can totally do it. Sarah! Sarah! Take a photo of me in this tree, Sarah! Yeah, right up here!” At press time, Sandro released a statement apologizing to the DPS officers forced to remove him from the tree.

Report: Entire Indy Staff Has Matching Clogs Now |

Conspicuously clomping up and down campus hallways, multiple sources have reported that the entire staff of Brown/RISD weekly The College Hill Independent has matching clogs now. “Yeah I guess they all wore clogs anyway and thought it’d be better to match,” one onlooker suspected as 30-some Indy staff members headed to a meeting in identical pairs of chunky, slightly-heeled clogs.

CareerLab Announces New Program Of Swaddling Students In Blankets And Leaving Them On Companies’ Doorsteps |

This past Monday, CareerLab revealed its new job-finding initiative of swaddling students in blankets and leaving them on companies’ doorsteps. “The job search process can be very challenging for some students,” said Director of Career Services Matthew Donato.

Guy With Guitar On Main Green Definitely Only Knows G Chord |

Sources report that Colby Parcheesi, that guy sitting on the Main Green with a guitar, clearly only knows how to play the G chord and nothing else. “He started out with a nice strong G chord,” reported Katie Sweetnose, who sat down nearby to listen.

New “Yesterday@Brown” To List All The Exciting Activities You Forgot About |

This week, Brown University’s Department of Communications announced the launch of “Yesterday@Brown,” a daily digest devoted to all the various activities that you really would have liked, but never saw on Today@Brown or totally forgot to check out.

Freshman In Bagel Gourmet Doing Everything Wrong |

Holding up a growing line last Tuesday as she failed to recognize the subtleties of ordering at the popular student breakfast spot, freshman Shanice Weber was spotted doing everything wrong in Bagel Gourmet. “Right off the bat, she stood in the pay line to order her bagel,” BG regular Terry Mann recalled of Weber’s maiden trip to the bagel shop.

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