The Brown Noser

Main Green Reverts To Lively Jungle Ecosystem In Absence Of Human Interference |

In the wake of the departure of thousands of students from campus, sources report that the University’s Main Green has reverted to a lively jungle ecosystem. “I guess there was a silver lining to this fiasco all along,” said sophomore Laila Katz, whose decision to remain on campus left her privy to the ecological flourishing of the large patch of grass.

Student Trying to Finish Essay Before Humanity’s Deadline |

Furiously typing away at her draft of a 10 page sociology midterm paper, Elizabeth Rawlins ’22 is struggling to finish her essay before humanity’s deadline. “This is a really important paper,” Rawlins said, repeatedly looking at her watch to check the remaining time before the end of the world.

Your ASK.FM Still Out There, Reports Back Of Brain During Orgo Midterm |

Bypassing the hundred Chemistry terms you memorized in preparation for this midterm, the back of your brain reportedly checked in during your Organic Chemistry midterm to let you know that your ASK.FM is still out there. Despite the hours you put into preparing for this test, it was no match for obscure and long-buried knowledge that what your hormone-riddled young mind once put on the internet will stay there forever.

Report: Daniel From Anthropology Wants To Know How Goes It |

A text message from Daniel from your anthropology class, ANTH1302: Politics and Symbols, reports that he wants to know how goes it. “Hey this is Daniel from anthropology,” read the 12:37 AM text message, which was the first text you’ve received from Daniel since the beginning of the semester when he asked you how the exam went for you.

Econ Profs Solemnly Turn All Their Squiggly Graphs Upside Down |

Amid the highest unemployment numbers in history and the unprecedented economic shock of the coronavirus pandemic, Brown’s economics professors have solemnly turned all their squiggly graphs upside down. Citing economic devastation rapidly spinning out of control, the economics professors collectively adjusted their craggy graphs of growth and other economic indicators upside down so that they displayed dramatic downward trends.

Only Thing That Could Further Decrease BDH’s Readership Happens |

The only thing that could further decrease the BDH’s readership has happened, sources reported. “To be honest, we always thought we were already at the rock bottom number of readers,” said editor-in-chief Sara Plonk ’20, amazed that the paper’s readership could fall below no one picking up any copies.

Fuming Student Gives Professor Scathing 4/5 On Course Feedback Survey |

Fuming sophomore Jackson Smith recently gave his professor a scathing four out of five on her end-of-course survey. “I hated that class,” reported a livid Smith. “I knew I couldn’t keep my outrage bottled up — and so I didn’t.” “Some might say giving her a four on Professor Preparedness was too harsh,” the hothead admitted.

Senior Superlatives |

We here at the Noser have this tradition called “Senior Superlatives.” We invented it and the basic idea is that we make categories that you can nominate your friends for. Fill it out! - Most Fatally Flawed - Most Tricks Up Their Sleeve - Tiniest Kisses - Most Likely To Have To Watch His Back Around These Parts - Most Famous Parents - A Fuckin’ Champ - Hottest Year On Record - Least Bad Billionaire - Dipshit - Silliest Goose - Most Wanted By Shelbyville Police - Canceled - Cutest Coupla Dudes - Biggest Sword - Nastiest Grooves.

Report: Somehow, Still No Open Tables In Blue Room |

A recent report has shown that, despite the global pandemic, there are still no open tables in the Blue Room. “I really thought this was my chance,” said senior Meredith Whitney. “I’ve been trying to snag a Blue Room table for four years now, and when they announced that they were sending everyone home I thought OK, I have a pretty good shot.

Dirt-Smeared Paxson Grips Pistol As Tumbleweed Blows Across Barren Main Green |

Tipping the brim of her hat down to block her eyes, a dirt-smeared President Christina Paxson grasped the stock of her pistol in its holster as a dry gust of wind blew a tumbleweed across the barren Main Green. “Who’s there?” she called into the whistling breeze, straining to see through the haze of dust hanging in the air as she trudged across the desolate landscape.

RI Health Department Reiterates That Americans Should Wash Hands After Touching BDH |

The Rhode Island Department of Health has released a statement reminding Americans that they should wash their hands after any contact with the Brown Daily Herald. “We know that most people are already taking this very obvious precaution,” said Department spokesperson Charlotte Perkins.

CS Professor Relieved Class Is Already Technologically Alienating And Interactionless |

Relaxing after another laid-back day of recording computer science lectures, Professor Martha Sloane expressed relief that her CS class was already technologically alienating and interactionless before the University’s switch to remote learning. “Since no one showed up to class on campus anyway, I can just keep filming my lectures alone like I always did,” Sloane said, feeling thankful that the curriculum of a large CS class never required engaging with students in the first place.

Abstinence-Only RPL Plans To Stock Door With Promise Rings |

Newly assigned Residential Peer Leader Tabitha Davies recently announced her plans to stock her dorm’s door with promise rings. “My door will be a judgment-free space for students to start practicing the only 100% effective birth control method: abstinence!” said Davies, currently a sophomore.

Report: Tables At Home Just Aren’t The Same As V-Dub’s Sweet, Sticky Countertops |

Students across the world report that the tables at home just aren’t the same as V-Dub’s gummy, gluey countertops. “Sure, I might spill a soda on my kitchen table,” said Mike Woods ’22, glaring at his table. “But once I wipe it up there’s no more stickiness! How am I supposed to live like this for six months?” “I’d forgotten that most tables provide none of that sweet, sweet elbow traction,” explained Violet Zhang ’21 as she ran a longing finger across her barren kitchen counter.

Rich Student Laments Only Having Entire Rest Of Life To Make Up For The Fun Lost By Not Having Senior Spring |

Rich Brown student Reginald Silverbone ’20 expressed his frustration with the COVID-19 crisis, lamenting the fact that he’ll only have the rest of his life to make up for the fun times he missed out on due to the loss of his Senior Spring. “It’s a real tragedy," said Silverbone, whose access to top-of-the-line healthcare ensures he’ll have years of easy living on the other side of the pandemic.

Report: Not Wearing Pants To Class Increases 1500% |

Since classes first moved online early this month, University researchers have reported a dramatic 1,500% spike in the number of students not wearing pants to class. “The incidence of pantslessness during lectures has seen a stunning rise in recent weeks,” reported head researcher Michelle Cochran, noting that this trend showed no signs of slowing.

Report: Hell Yeah, Reading Has Pictures |

After opening the PDF document on Wednesday afternoon, it became clear to freshman Don LaGuardo that, hell yeah, this reading has pictures. “Oh sweet, there’s lots of pictures,” LaGuardo said with excitement, scanning the document and noting that, damn, at least a third of the pages have images.

Entire Class Complicit In Youtube Autoplay Starting New Video During Professor’s Presentation |

During Dr. Carol Bisset’s introductory Classics course this Monday, the entire 100 person class was complicit in Youtube’s autoplay function successfully beginning an ad for Jergen’s lotion during the professor’s presentation. “She clearly had no idea a new video was loading up as she tried to move on,” said student Jeremy Quinn ‘23 of the incident, which was the direct consequence of dozens of students’ cold inaction.

University Cancels Midyear Graduation Because Why Not |

University officials announced this morning that they will be cancelling the upcoming midyear graduation ceremony, because why not. “We have had to make a series of difficult cancellations in response to the spread of COVID-19,” said President Christina Paxson, expressing her most heartfelt sympathy for graduating seniors.

Paxson Sends Heartfelt Email To Brown Community Expressing Regrets About Postponement Of This Year’s 420 Celebration |

In a heartfelt email addressed to the Brown Community, President Christina Paxson expressed her sincere regrets that this year’s 420 celebration had to be postponed in light of the coronavirus pandemic. “Our separation from campus has left us no choice but to cancel many beloved community gatherings, and unfortunately this applies to our annual 420 celebration as well,” Paxson stated in the email, offering her deepest sympathies to seniors who expected to celebrate one more 420 at Brown.

“Mind If I Sit With You?” Tear-Soaked Dean Zia Whispers To Self During Another Restless Night |

Choking the phrase out between sobs, a tear-soaked Rashid Zia attempted to calm himself during another restless night by repeating the words “Mind if I sit with you?” over and over again. “Mind…mind if I sit with… with… you,” Zia muttered shakily as a fresh tear rolled down his cheek, barely getting the words out without completely losing it.

Try These Fun Zoom Backgrounds! |

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President Paxson Blasts Music, Slides Down Empty Halls In Socks During Seventh Week Of University Shutdown |

Pressing play on a Dixie Chicks CD and gleefully removing her loafers, President Christina Paxson took to blasting music and sliding across University Hall’s hardwood floors in socks during the seventh week of Brown’s shutdown. “This is invigorating!” Paxson shouted over the music as she jetted down hardwood floors in her stockings.

Wealthy Student Upset About Housing Lottery Tantalizingly Close To Understanding Concept Of Privilege |

After receiving a low place in the housing lottery, Priscilla Worthington ’21 came tantalizingly close to understanding the concept of privilege. “It’s like my life is harder through no fault of my own,” said Worthington, starting down a journey that would end just millimeters short of self-awareness.

CS Concentrators Glad Semester Ended Without Any Major Event Changing Their Daily Routines |

Brown’s computer science concentrators are reportedly relieved that their semester ended without any major event changing their day-to-day routine. “I’m really glad this turned out to be a pretty normal semester for me,” said Selena Toom ’22, whose normal workload ensures she’s never at a gathering of more than ten people.

REPORT: Campus Probably Full Of Tumbleweeds Now |

According to reports from the thousands of students who fled Brown last month, there’s a solid chance that the campus is full of tumbleweeds now. “It’s sort of unclear what’s going on back at Brown, but one thing’s basically for sure: an immense amount of tumbleweeds are drifting about, carried only by gusts of howling wind,” the report stated, emphasizing that these tumbleweeds are likely accompanied by severe dust storms, creepy lizards who skitter out of your path as you walk, and ear-splitting creaking noises emitted from every door on campus.

Report: Spring Weekend Now Headlined By Your Dad Singing Phil Collins |

A Brown Concert Agency press release announced yesterday that Spring Weekend 2020 will be headlined by your dad singing Phil Collins. “Though we’re heartbroken that we had to cancel this year’s in-person performance, we’re still very excited to announce that this year’s Spring Weekend lineup will be led by your dad singing all of Phil Collins’ greatest hits,” BCA wrote in the release.

I Don't Know What's Going On, But I Love It by Your Dog |

Even though I really don’t know what’s going on, my life is perfect right now! My tail has literally not stopped wagging in weeks. The world should definitely remember March and April 2020 as the best two months ever, but I’m not sure what’s making it so good.

Campus Life