The Brown Noser

Provost Locke’s New Apple Job Giving Brown Students Hope They Too Can Sell Out One Day |

Sources report that Provost Richard Locke’s recent career transition to the new Vice President and Dean of Apple University is giving Brown students hope that they’ll also be able to sell out one day. “It’s truly an inspiration,” stated Nick Grainger ‘25 as he read a Brown Daily Herald article about Locke leaving his role at Brown.

Freshman Savoring Blue Raspberry Vodka Like It Fine Bordeaux Wine |

Sources report that first-year Alexa Greenwald is savoring her plastic cup of blue raspberry vodka as if it’s an aged wine from the Bordeaux region of France. “I chose this 2022 Svedka for its dry, yet fruity, profile,” remarked Greenwald with the authority of a master sommelier.

Brown Facilities Announces Plans To Take All The Grass Out, Put It Back In Again |

In an email to the Campus Community, Brown Facilities has announced an exciting new initiative to take all the grass out and put it back in again. “At the beginning of every new school year, Brown Facilities renews its commitment to a safer and more beautiful campus,” wrote Facilities Operations Manager Joel Diggory, fantasizing about tearing handfuls of grass out of Ruth Simmons Quad.

Film Bro’s Thesis Project Just 12-Minute Close-Up Of Woman Applying Lipstick |

According to sources, MCM concentrator and film bro Max Cahill’s thesis project is just a twelve-minute close-up of a woman applying lipstick. “It’s sort of a microcosm for the natural way we’re born versus the layers we put on to be accepted by society,” said writer-director Max Cahill ’23 while adjusting the zoom lens so that only the woman’s lips were visible.

Sophomore Giving Advice To Freshman Like He Wizened Monk Atop Mountain |

Sources report that sophomore Brian Frisk is offering advice to a freshman like a wizened monk sitting atop a mountain. “Well, you should explore plenty of classes during shopping period,” said Frisk with the gravitas of an ancient spiritual guide who has spent his life in a state of isolated contemplation.

Guy Who Refused To Buy You Plan B Really Reposting Roe V. Wade Infographic Right Now |

In an upsetting, but not surprising, turn of events, the guy who refused to buy you Plan B is reposting a Roe V. Wade infographic on Instagram right now. “I am absolutely heartbroken for the millions of females who no longer have the choice to make informed decisions about their own bodies,” captioned the guy who ignored your requests to buy emergency contraception, despite being largely responsible for the potential pregnancy.

Report: Oh, Friend’s Parents Getting Us Drinks Too |

Shortly after the waiter at Bacaro restaurant asked the table what they would like to drink, friends of Toby McCall ‘24 found that, oh, his parents are getting us drinks too. “Toby’s mom just handed us the drink menu. I was like, play it cool.

Really Old Professor Just Owl In Wig |

After noticing dead rodents scattered around the back of the classroom, students realized their seemingly old professor is actually just an owl in a wig. “It all makes sense now. He was always very wise, but it was creepy how he kept spinning his head around while his body still faced the blackboard,” said Jack Gunn, the first student to notice all the feathers on the floor of the classroom.

Essay With Same Title As Collection Must Be The Good One |

According to readers of memoirist Gwendolyn Liu’s latest collection of essays, the essay entitled “On Swans” must be the good one because it has the same title as the book. “I was making my way through the book, and I found the first couple essays to be fine enough, but when I got to ‘On Swans,’ I was like hell yeah, now it’s time for the good one,” said English concentrator Brandon Madrillo ‘24, who pushed himself to read the essays in order instead of skipping to the titular one first.

Report: Some Freshman From THE City, Others Just From A City |

A new report revealed that some students are from THE city, while others are just from A city. “Interestingly enough, some students are from THE city while others are from different cities,” stated the report. “Students from THE city attended important schools, while students from A city likely just went to high schools named after presidents.” The report added that students from THE city can also be recognized by insular social circles, having names such as Elliot or Victoria, and smoking cigarettes.

Kids Tossing Frisbee On Main Green Embarrassingly Bad At Frisbee |

According to witnesses on campus yesterday, some students tossing around a frisbee on the Main Green are embarrassingly bad at frisbee. “It’s pretty obvious that those kids have never thrown a frisbee in their life,” said junior Kira Lowry, quickly ducking to avoid a rogue frisbee spinning inches away from her forehead.

Student Shopping Twelve Classes Ultimately Just Going To Take His Four Concentration Requirements |

Reports indicate that junior Alan Singh, despite shopping twelve courses, will ultimately default back to his concentration requirements. “I really wanted to see what exciting interdisciplinary courses the open curriculum has to offer,” Singh said of the twelve courses that, according to University policy, would be impossible to fit into his schedule.

Love Life Absolutely Insane By 19th Century Courtship Standards |

Engaged in a romantic rendezvous for the ages, sophomore Claire Kane has a love life that is absolutely insane by 19th century courtship standards. “He’s totally checking me out from the water bottle refill station right now,” said Kane, staring at her suitor from across the Sci Li, titillated by the prospect of a short-term, morally depraved romance beyond the sacred bond of wedlock.

RA Telling Group Of First Years Not To Smoke Indoors…Without Her! |

Sources in a freshman dorm report that resident advisor Lisa Mulligan has instructed them not to smoke indoors… without her! “It’s important to have respect for the property of the university, and even more so, respect for your peers and neighbors,” said Mulligan to a group of first years during their unit orientation.

Senior Excited To Pursue Post-Grad Plans Of Thinking About Law School |

Heading into his final year of college, senior Andrew Tonuzi cannot wait to pursue his post-grad plans of thinking about going to law school. “I just can’t wait to get out of here so I can start the next chapter of my life: the one where I think about going to law school,” said Tonuzi, doing a quick Google search for “good LSAT book.” “College has been awesome, but I’m ready for the real world, and, for me, that means thinking about going to law school.” Although Tonuzi is eager for post-grad life, he still plans to savor his final days in college, as he will soon endure the incredibly demanding schedule of thinking about going to law school.

Unpaid Internship Probably Good Enough To Land Future Unpaid Internship |

After an incredibly strenuous summer internship, junior Jake Johnson is just happy to have a better standing for next year’s internship hiring process. “Some of my friends told me they got paid for their internships, but at least I’ll be able to get another unpaid internship next summer more easily,” said Jake as he clutched a cup of coffee and perused Brown Connect.

Skateboard Mostly Held |

Cradled safely in the arms of its Carhartt-clad owner, sophomore Riley Kang’s skateboard is mostly held. “I do kickflips and switch ollies all the time,” reported Kang, clutching his mint-condition skateboard under his arm instead of riding it.

Member Of Improv Group Has Clearly Never Smoked Cigarette |

After playing a jaded old man in a scene, it became clear that improviser Ruby Allan has never smoked a cigarette. “She sort of held two fingers up to her mouth vertically,” audience member Josie Lynde said of Allan’s performance. “Then she started breathing really heavily so we would know that she was, like, inhaling smoke, I guess.

Friend Claiming She’s Dating “The One” Really Just Dating Liam |

Grinning from ear to ear as she shows off her most recent “morning babe” text, senior Sarah Hampson gleefully announced that she’s dating “the one” when she’s actually just dating Liam. “I know that we’ve only been going out for a few weeks, but I really think that Liam is the one,” said Hampson, fawning over a picture of Liam on his weekend fishing trip with the boys.

Freshman Friend Group Already Planning Trip To New York As If They Won’t Hate Each Other In Three Weeks |

Reports indicate that a group of freshmen, reveling in the joys of new friendship, is already planning a trip to New York as if they won’t all hate each other in three weeks. “This is gonna be so fun!” said Kate Taggart, booking an Airbnb for six people who won’t be able to look each other in the eye by the time the trip rolls around.

Russell Carey Relishing Newfound Monopoly On Covid Update Emails With Locke Gone |

Crowing at the absence of his longtime rival, Provost Richard Locke, Executive Vice President Russell Carey is overjoyed at his new monopoly over the sending of campus Covid updates. “It’s finally mine! All mine!” Carey exulted, frantically drafting an email featuring bolded sections and multiple links to healthy.brown.edu.

Eager Freshman Tightens Suspenders, Shines Shoes, Polishes Apple For First Day |

Sources report that area freshman Douglas Reed is tightening his suspenders, shining his brand-new shoes, and polishing a big red apple for his first day of class. “Golly gee, I sure am looking forward to my very first day,” said Reed, combing his hair into a slick middle part.

Brown Dining Services Debuts New Slop Trough For All You Hungry Piggies |

To combat long lines at overcrowded dining halls, Brown Dining Services has announced a new cafeteria at which Brown students can eat, study, and socialize: a 50-yard-long slop trough. “Oink oink piggies of Brown University, it’s feeding time!” began Brown Dining Services in an email to students announcing the new meal option.

Critical Review To Offer No Criticism Nor Review For Literally Any Class You’re Thinking Of Taking This Semester |

Prepared for another two weeks of students scrambling to select their courses, the Critical Review will offer no criticism nor review for literally any class you’re thinking of taking this semester. “We know that Shopping Period can be stressful, and we want to alleviate that stress however we can,” said the publication’s editor-in-chief, finalizing reports on absolutely any class except for the ones you’re hoping to take this fall.

Friend Returning From $30,000 Internship Sends Venmo Request For Bite Of Sandwich |

After making $30,000 at his summer internship, junior Mark Bernard has reportedly requested payment for the bite Susan Marshall took of his sandwich. “He told me it was $2.50,” said Marshall, angrily staring at her Venmo. "Then, he asked me to send $.50 for using his napkin, like he didn’t just make tens of thousands of dollars working at McKinsey.” At press time, Bernard was seen sending a CashApp request for using his restroom.

Guy’s Dorm Decor Just Laundry Basket And Pulp Fiction Poster |

Freshman Nathaniel Baker’s room is pretty much just a laundry basket and a [i]Pulp Fiction[/i] poster. “He’s had plenty of time to personalize his room, but not much has changed since he assembled his pop-up laundry basket and taped up a glossy poster of Uma Thurman smoking a cigarette,” said his roommate George Harlotte as he looked around the spartan dorm.

Student's Bong Actually Decorative Vase, Claims Student |

After an unfortunate run-in with her Resident Advisor, sophomore Marissa Janette claimed that her bong is actually a decorative vase. “Look! It’s perfect for flowers,” Janette said, gesturing toward the bong. "It’s just a pretty accessory where I can store things. I’ve never even smoked.” At press time, Janette was seen vaping, or, as she recalls “sucking on her USB drive.”

Freshman Seeking Entrance To Crew Party Like Haggard Beggar Seeking Shelter From Storm |

Late last night, a knock on the door to the crew house revealed freshman Nick Angler seeking entrance to a party like a beggar hoping for shelter from a storm. “Um, so are you guys full in there?” asked Angler, eyes imploring the senior manning the door like a battered vagabond hoping for a warm meal and a bed by the hearth for the evening.

Friend You Thought Was Studying Abroad Last Semester Actually Just In Relationship |

After a semester of silence, it’s become clear that your friend Matty Cook, who you thought was studying abroad last semester, was actually just in a relationship. “Every night, I’d check Matty’s room, but it was always sad and empty. When I texted him to see how he was doing, he said he was ‘growing a lot’ and ‘ready for new experiences.’ I just put two and two together, and assumed he was abroad,” said friend Carson Rudolf, after confidently asking Cook how his semester in Italy was.

Every Detail Of Professor’s Desktop Psychoanalyzed |

During the brief window in which their professor left his desktop projected, students reportedly psychoanalyzed every detail available. “The first thing I saw was a cluster of attachments in the bottom left corner,” said student Henry Sporell, who was engaged in class for the first time all period.

Nation’s Little Boys Announce Plans To Show You How High They Can Jump |

Wiping their hands on their monster truck t-shirts, the nation’s little boys recently announced plans to show you how high they can jump. “Are you watching? Are you watching? It doesn’t count if you aren’t watching!” said the little boys, bright red with sweat and excitement.

Area Man Just Dying To Use Heavy Spanish Accent When Pronouncing “Pico De Gallo” |

According to sources at Baja's Taqueria on Thayer street, area man Logan Pickett is just dying to use a heavy Spanish accent when ordering pico de gallo. “You can tell he’s just itching to overdo it,” said Pickett’s friend John Sugden, as Pickett squirmed anxiously watching his burrito being prepared. “This happens every time we get Mexican food.” At press time, Pickett was overheard pronouncing Barcelona with a “th.”

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