The Brown Noser

Campus Construction Actually Massive Project To Find Long-Lost Treasure Of Nicholas Brown |

At a press conference on Friday morning, Assistant Vice President of Planning, Design & Construction Rick Bowe revealed that the various construction projects on campus were actually part of a massive, coordinated effort to find the long-lost treasure of Nicholas Brown.

University Administration Takes Dusty, Wrinkled Russell Carey Out Of Storage In Anticipation For Impending Cold Weather |

In response to predictions of temperatures in the low thirties over the next few weeks, University administrators have decided to take their Executive Vice President of Planning and Policy, Russell Carey, out of storage. “We couldn’t get by in the winter without him,” said President Christina Paxson, brushing the dust off Russell that had accumulated over the past few months in storage.

Student Can't Wait For An Exciting Winter Break Spent Hating Every Second Of Winter Break |

As she booked her flight home, sophomore Carly Riese expressed her excitement for a long month of winter break, which will be spent hating every second of winter break. “I can’t wait to break free from all the stress of school,” Riese explained.

Midyear Graduates Just Catapulted Over Closed Van Wickle Gates |

According to the University administration, this year’s midyear graduation ceremony will just involve the current class of midyear graduates being catapulted over the closed Van Wickle Gates. “First, we move all their belongings to the curb on Prospect Street,” said new Dean of the College Rashid Zia, who explained that the usual commencement ceremony is too much of a hassle to put on in the middle of December.

Laptop Stickers Weave Compelling Narrative Of Owner’s Deepest Desires, Inner-Most Fears |

Numerous classmates reported that Sophomore Jonathan Amon’s laptop stickers wove a compelling narrative of his deepest desires and inner-most fears. “Those stickers told me everything I could ever know about Jonathan,” said Casie Short, as she walked by Amon in the Blue Room.

Little Kid On Main Green Walking Around Like He Owns The Place |

According to eyewitnesses on the Main Green this morning, a little kid was walking around campus like he owned the place. “He’s in total control,” reported a sophomore who saw the child park himself at the doors of Sayles and start boldly pointing at peoples’ dogs.

Mustache-Wearing Paxson Playing Pool In Faunce Clearly Part Of Some Undercover Boss Reality TV Show |

Sources report that the mustached pool player in Faunce is clearly just Christina Paxson taking part in some undercover boss reality TV show. Paxson, whose disguise consisted only of a lopsided adhesive mustache and a backwards baseball cap, could be found challenging students to pool in Faunce over the past several days, using a slightly deeper voice and introducing herself as “Chris.” “Her subpar pool skills were the first giveaway,” said one student who was challenged by Paxson yesterday.

Lazy Professor Waits Till Night Before To Write Entire Final Exam |

Putting the limits of his procrastination to the ultimate test, Professor Adlai Woodsworth pushed off writing the final exam for his class until the last night before the test date. “Shit,” Woodsworth said while staring at an empty Word document at 11:30pm, trying to write an exam scheduled for 9am the following morning.

Student With Pencil Tucked Behind Ear Must Be Soulful Wordsmith |

Upon seeing the pencil tucked behind his ear, all of Jared Burton’s classmates came to the conclusion that Burton must be a soulful wordsmith. “There’s no way this guy doesn’t write beautiful prose that is both witty and deeply intimate,” said classmate Laura Caputto, gazing at the young literary savant who doubtlessly uses the pencil balanced on his ear to record his shrewd musings on the world.

Friend Who Wanted To Study Together Just Keeps Asking What You're Working On |

After a three hour long study session in the SciLi with her friend Dana Trescot, junior Amrita Sharma reported that Trescot spent the whole study period asking her what she was working on. “Dana said that she really needed to study for her chemistry exam, but when we started, she just constantly asked what I was doing,” explained Sharma, who had to take her headphones off every time Trescot took a break to ask her “how’s it going?” or to show her a picture of a cute puppy on Instagram.

CareerLAB Tells Non-Profit Recruiters To Try Again When They Have Some Of That Sweet, Sweet Cash |

Asserting that it’s really all about that bottom line, the CareerLAB politely told non-profit organizations that they can forget about on-campus recruiting until they can somehow offer more of that “sweet, sweet cash.” “Just the phrase ‘non-profit’ makes me gag a little,” confessed Matthew Donato, Director of CareerLAB.

Homesick Maud Mandel Tries To Get Williams To Buy Teddy Bear Sculpture |

In an attempt to alleviate her homesickness, former Dean of the College Maud Mandel has reportedly been trying to persuade Williams College to buy a giant teddy bear sculpture. “Yeah I mean I think it might be cool to have some kind of new sculpture on the main green,” Mandel reportedly pitched to the Williams administration.

"Tonight Is Going To Be Wild,” Says Freshman Who Will Just End Up Getting Drunk In Keeney Basement And Heading To Jo's |

Unaware that he was about to spend his Friday night getting buzzed in the basement of Keeney and dejectedly heading to Jo’s, freshman David Walter excitedly reported that he is going to go wild tonight. “We’re going to hit the track and football houses and then head downtown to the Colosseum later on,” Walter reported, unaware that he would be fast asleep by 12:30.

Student Band Performs For Raucous Crowd Of Eight Friends |

This past weekend, the student band “Stiff Pants?” performed for a raucous crowd of eight screaming friends. “Sometimes when we get really wild, our neighbors knock on our door and ask us to keep it down a bit,” said lead vocalist Ben Brodsky, who just performed for his eight closest friends.

Brown Student In RISD Course Really Getting Off On Being Super Fucking Bad At This |

Sources report that Brown student Donna Jameson, who is currently working on her final piece for the RISD course she is enrolled in, is really getting off on being bad at it. “It’s nice to be good at the things I do at the school I actually got into,” Jameson said after a brutal crit in which her work was completely torn apart by people who are actually qualified to attend one of the best art schools in the country, “But it’s honestly so refreshing to know I don’t deserve to be somewhere, but then still get to be there.” Though Jameson has been encouraged many times to stick to taking classes at the school she actually got into, she has been adamant about staying in the RISD course.

Literary Arts Department Caps Intro Fiction Class At Zero Students |

In a push to keep class sizes small, the Literary Arts department announced it would cap its introductory fiction class for the Spring semester at zero students. “In years past, we’ve found that some students’ voices can get buried even in classes with as few as 17 spots,” said Jasmine Zabrowski, head of the Literary Arts department.

Student Hopes Small Talk With Professor Will Count For Something In Final Grade |

Freshman Erik Obrador hopes that small talk with his Econ professor will count for something in his final grade, sources report. “I went to his office hours sometimes and we had some good casual conversations unrelated to the class,” explained Obrador, who never contributed in section and always turned in assignments a day late.

Classmate’s Doodle Of A Whale Getting Really Intense |

Looking over at his classmate’s neighboring desk, sophomore Henry Gilbert was awestruck by his classmate’s really intense doodle of a whale. “It started with just a small squiggle,” explained Gilbert, who was visibly astonished by the level of artistic detail.

Cool Res Life Inspectors Cite Room For No Evidence Of Drugs Or Alcohol |

Sources report that the cool Res Life inspectors have cited a room for no evidence of drugs or alcohol. “We checked thoroughly,” explained Res Life officer Lucas McCrowley. "But there was nothing. I was hopeful when I got a whiff of cannabis in the hallway, but I guess that must be the lit people living it up next door.” “There weren’t even any candles or hazardous lights hanging on fire sprinklers,” added McCrowley.

Students Locking Bikes To Copies Of Brown Daily Herald To Prevent Theft |

Sources report that a record number of students have started locking their bikes to copies of the Brown Daily Herald so nobody will ever, ever steal them. “While two dozen bikes were stolen last week,” reported DPS officer Max Grisham, “Absolutely no one wanted the bikes locked to the BDH.

Annoying Student Keeps Coughing Up Blood During Final |

According to fellow classmates, an annoying student kept coughing up blood during yesterday afternoon’s final exam. “We were about an hour in and some guy in the front row started emphatically wheezing and spitting out blood which was super distracting,” said sophomore Jane Fung, who couldn’t focus on the test because of the anonymous student’s violent convulsions and dry-heaves.

“Bah! Humbug!” Reports Top-Hat-Wearing Paxson While Watching Students Play In Snow On Main Green |

Looking out the window of University Hall and seeing students playing in the snow on the Main Green, President Christina Paxson scornfully reported “Bah! Humbug!" “There’s no time for this frivolity,” she said, using a candle to illuminate her walk down the corridors of University Hall.

Kid Eating Alone Really Making Eye Contact With Every Person Passing By |

Freshman David Kline, sitting alone in a central area of the Ratty, was making direct, prolonged eye contact with every person who passed by his table. "I didn’t know if he wanted me to sit with him or something,” mused fellow freshman Katrina Sanders. “Maybe he confused me for someone else? Eventually I just waved at him but he immediately looked away.” After leaving the Ratty, Kline reportedly continued making prolonged eye contact with every person who passed him on the sidewalk.

Campus Life