The Brown Noser

Student Puts On Cap and Gown, Permanently Removes Nose Ring |

Reports indicate senior Sarah Michaels has put on her cap and gown and permanently taken out her nose ring. “I’ve had her for four years, ever since that wild night freshman year when I got a little drunk and booked an appointment at Rockstar Body Piercing,” said Michaels, looking fondly at the nose ring.

Ratty Announces New Chocolate And Potato Chip Cookie Potato Chips |

Through a recent Instagram post, Brown Dining Services announced their brand new addition to the menu: Chocolate and Potato Chip Cookie Potato Chips. “We’re always looking for new ways to reinvent classic dishes,” stated Vice President of Dining Services Stanley Hoover as he looked for his tall white chef’s hat.

New BDH Poll Reveals 50% Of Student Body Consists Of Freshmen And Sophomores |

Much to everyone’s disbelief, a groundbreaking Brown Daily Herald poll shockingly reveals that 50% of the student body consists of freshmen and sophomores. “Our fastidious reporters were sent out to all four corners of the Brown University campus to poll over 7000 undergraduates, and we were astonished by our findings,” reported poll coordinator Sebastian Piao, positively sweating at the spike in viewership the BDH will receive after releasing this stat.

Student Deeply Engrossed In One-Page Summary Of Book |

According to sources, a student was spotted on the Main Green deeply engrossed in a one-page summary of a book. “Literature like this, you just gotta appreciate”, commented Will Bennet, while gazing in quiet admiration at the single sheet of paper in his hands.

Author of Source Carrying Your 200-Page Thesis Actually Didn't Mean That At All |

Sources report that Jillian Glieberman, the author of the source carrying your 200-page thesis, actually didn’t mean that at all. “Yeah, when you said that I used rabbits as a motif for happiness in the book, you were way off,” said Glieberman, completely undercutting the core of the thesis you spent an entire year writing.

Final Unexpectedly Hard For Girl Who Hasn’t Been to Class the Whole Semester |

Despite never attending class this semester, reports indicate Marissa Lance found the final unexpectedly hard. “Yeah, I don’t know any of this stuff,” said Lance trying to remember which lab section she was in, “to be honest I thought this was going to be mostly true or false questions.

Graduating Indy Writers Prepare For Harsh Adjustment To Real World’s Capital Letters |

Sources report that the Indy’s senior writers are gearing up for the difficult adjustment into the real world’s usage of capital letters. “i don’t think i’m ready for a big girl job where i have to capitalize my proper nouns,” said writer Grady McPherson, nervous about the impending leap from experimental poetry to coherent sentences with standard punctuation and grammar.

Naked Donut Run Actually More of a Nude Donut-Hole Jog |

According to sources, the Naked Donut Run is actually more of a nude donut-hole jog. “I was expecting this to be a lot more scandalous, as well as for there to be actual donuts and faster running,” said freshman Evan Trainor, craving a bit more donut, nudity, and speed from his peers.

New SHAG Course Teaches Women to Effectively Fake Orgasm |

SHAG has reportedly just started a new course teaching women to fake their orgasms. “Gone are the days of simply squeezing the bed sheets,” said SHAG leader Mona Richards, “this new course introduces you to advanced techniques. We want women to feel confident in their fake orgasms.

Party “Bouncer” Just Adolescent Boy With Wide Spread Legs |

According to reports from a party, the bouncer is just a young boy with his legs spread apart. “A lot of people will try to get in off the list,” said James Conway with both edges of his feet touching the door frame, “but no one gets past me.” “People try to go over, under, left, right,” said Conway stretching his arms out to the frame, “It’s all pointless, I’m impenetrable.” “It’s about safety,” said Conway, standing at 5’ 10’’ 87.5 pounds, “Without me, chaos would ensue.

Senior Asking All His Contacts For One Last Hookup Like He Door-Knocking Jehovah’s Witness |

Promptly deleting yet another text, annoyed sources report that graduating senior Jude Brentwood is asking every girl in his contacts for one last hookup with the dedication of a Jehovah’s Witness going door to door. “Hey, miss your cute face :)” texted Brentwood to a girl he last spoke to in 2019 with the boldness of a suit-clad evangelist meeting a new potential convert.

Senior Would Rather Spend $100K On Grad School Than Look For Job |

Sources report that senior Connor McCray would rather spend $100k on graduate school than look for a job after graduation. “I’ve decided to pursue another few years of school after I graduate,” Connor said as he avoided the anxiety of updating his LinkedIn by agreeing to take on six figures of debt.

TA Has Answer Key That They Can Show You Like Really Quickly If You Don’t Tell Anyone |

In good news for students struggling with their problem sets, ENGN 40 TA Andrea Bradley has an answer key that she can show you super fast as long as you don’t tell anyone about it. “I’m really really not supposed to show you the answers, but I can see y’all are struggling, so I’ll let you have a quick glance,” said Bradley, opening the PDF with the solutions for exactly two seconds before slamming her laptop shut.

34-Year-Old Brown Men’s Hockey Player Finally Ready To Graduate |

Taking off his skates for what may be the last time, 34-year-old Brown Men’s Hockey forward Matt D’Alessandro announces that he’s finally ready to graduate. “It’s been an absolute blessing playing with these guys and representing Brown on the ice for the last fourteen years,” D’Alessandro said, not acknowledging that he was really graduating because he was out of his athletic prime.

Barus And Holley Just Friends |

Students across campus were devastated earlier this week by breaking news that Barus and Holley were, indeed, just friends. “I just don’t know if I can get my coffee from the B&H cafe anymore,” reported sophomore Olivia Jones, ripping up romantic doodles of the two now-confirmed friends.

Discussion Post Manages To Say Literally Nothing In 250 Words |

Uploaded to Canvas mere seconds before the 11:59 pm deadline, a discussion post assigned in an English class manages to say absolutely nothing in 250 words. “I personally, as myself, a person, who is alive, in this very moment, found it very interesting, some might even say intriguing or captivating, that this book, more specifically known as a novel or a collection of related fictitious prose, uses letters and punctuation, such as commas and periods, to form sentences that were then read by me, a person, as well as my classmates, who are also people,” stated the discussion post, providing so many words yet no original thought.

Freshman Talking To Senior Like Senior About To Die |

Sources report that freshman Josie Watts was talking to senior Anika Bhatt as if Anika was about to die. “I can’t believe it’s almost your time to leave us behind,” a tearful Watts was overheard saying, looking upon Bhatt with a wistful fondness.

Graduating Senior Somehow Still In Providence Next Semester |

After four long and tedious years of study in the city of Providence, senior Anna Mackenzie will somehow still be here next semester. “There’s nowhere else I’d rather be than this bustling city full of opportunities,” shared Mackenzie as she strolled down the deserted streets of downtown Providence.

Guy Who Never Shows Up To Club Meetings Definitely Putting It On His Resume |

Sources confirmed that sophomore Nathan Haronian, despite never going to the regularly scheduled Brown Noser meetings, is definitely listing his participation on his resume. “It’s not that we’re angry he doesn’t show up,” claimed Brown Noser editor Annie Cimack.

High Schooler Taking Nonsense Classes Through Summer@Brown Getting Taste Of Nonsense Classes They Can Take At Actual Brown |

Eager to experience college life without any of the freedom, stress, or fun of actual college, a high school student taking nonsense courses through Summer@Brown is getting a taste of the nonsense courses she can take at actual Brown. “I could’ve taken Algebra II and Chemistry through an accredited academic program this summer, but I decided to enroll in the Brown’s pre-college program instead,” said rising tenth-grader Alyssa Steinbock, taking some totally ridiculous courses created for high schoolers posing as Brown undergrads that actually resemble the totally ridiculous courses created for real Brown undergrads.

Improv Performance Would’ve Been Better If They Rehearsed |

Following a recent improvisational comedy performance on campus, sources report that the show would have gone way better if the actors had just rehearsed something to perform beforehand. “At one point, this guy started doing a bit about his grandma being a blender and then accidentally blending her cat into a Pedialyte smoothie, but none of the other performers knew where he was going with it,” said audience member Gina Lester, trying to figure out why the student would take such a large improvisational risk during a packed show in MacMillan 117.

Local Senior Laments Last Ever Monday 11:00 AM Page-Robinson Gender Studies Class |

Local Senior Daniel Shell was reportedly in a wistful state after leaving his last ever Monday 11:00 AM Page-Robinson Gender Studies class. “It just makes you realize how quickly life goes by, you know?” reported Shell, letting out a sigh and looking back at the Page-Robinson Hall with a single teardrop running down his cheek.

Nation’s Aunts Report That You Must Be Driving Those Boys Crazy Up In Rhode Island |

The nation’s aunts released a statement this past weekend declaring that you must be driving those boys crazy up in Rhode Island. “My niece is just such a pretty young girl, I’m sure those poor Ocean State boys don’t know what to do with themselves,” your Aunt Sarah said, greatly overestimating your general rizz.

Roommate Not Home Yet Probably Just At Library Studying Late But Also Maybe Abducted On Walk Home And Now Victim To Underground Sex Trafficking Ring |

Sitting in bed at 1:37 AM, sophomore Olivia Levy-Powell has reasoned that her roommate Casey O’Donoghue is most likely doing some late-night homework at the Sci Li but also maybe has been abducted on her walk home by an underground sex trafficking ring.

Student from California To Move To California After Graduation And Settle Down In California Because It’s California |

After carefully debating where to spend her time after graduating, senior Ashley Sloth from California has decided to move back to her home state of California because there really is nothing like California. “A lot of people have been wondering where I will be next year, and I think I have finally determined that I will be going back to California,” declared Sloth as she recovered from the utter shock of meeting yet another student from the Bay Area.

Student In Discussion Section Struggles To Articulate Thought But Insists On Continuing To Speak Anyway |

During a recent discussion session of an introductory philosophy course, student Bradley Dershowitz struggled to articulate his thought but refused to yield the floor. “Sorry if this is a half baked thought, but all great insights are ahead of their time,” said Dershowitz as he summarized the assigned readings with absolutely no original insight.

Student Ready For Relatively Tame Summer Of Yachting, International Travel, Exotic Animal Collection |

Junior Claude Torres is ready for a relatively tame summer of yachting, international travel, and exotic animal collection. “This school year was beyond hectic, so I’m looking forward to a super chill and lowkey summer,” Torres was overheard telling friends, as his family group chat blew up with texts debating whether they should travel to Lake Como or Saint Tropez in August.

TA Begging On Hands And Knees For Someone To Answer |

A Brown University TA reportedly resorted to begging on hands and knees for someone to answer a question during section last Tuesday. “Please, please, I’ll do anything! Someone just please pretend to care for five seconds!” said CSCI 200 TA Rob Euoualie ’24, dropping to his knees while facing the seven students out of 30 who had shown up for the mandatory section.

Tour Guide Getting Paid To Say Good Things About Brown Has Only Good Things To Say |

Sources report that a tour guide getting paid to say good things about Brown has only good things to say. “What can I say, this is a great school!” says tour guide Becca Platt, ‘24, while logging her tour hours in Workday to make bank. “All I’ve got is praise for this wonderful institution!” “This is as authentic as it gets! These students deserve to know about our stressless finals and lively party scene,” Platt continued, reviewing her latest fat paycheck.

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