The Brown Noser

Christina Paxson Wakes Up In Cold Sweat With Phrase “Triple Commencement” Running Through Head |

Sitting bolt upright in bed last Thursday night, President Christina Paxson awoke, drenched in sweat, with the phrase “triple commencement” running through her head. “No no no no,” Paxson whispered shakily as the words ran through her mind on a loop, desperately staving off images of overbooked hotels, a Campus Dance with 20,000 attendees, and throngs of disgruntled family members descending on The Blue Room.

CareerLAB Suggests Leveraging Connections To Find New Economy |

In a recent webinar, CareerLAB advisor Ben Nader suggested that students should leverage their connections to find a new economy. “We’re aware the economy isn’t so great right now," Nader said, showing an empty page of job listings on Handshake.

12-Year-Old Pretty Sure We’re All Living In Fail Compilation |

Reflecting on a seemingly endless series of crises and tragedies, 12-year-old Benny Grabin concluded that we might all be living inside of a fail compilation. “Think about it,” Grabin said in a YouTube comment on Saturday. “Every day the news is just an incessant reel of the most epic fails the world has ever seen.

Provost Locke Furiously Shaking Magic 8-Ball to Finalize COVID Response Plan |

Sources report that Provost Richard Locke is currently locked in his bedroom, furiously shaking a Magic 8-Ball to finalize Brown’s COVID response plan. “Will students be allowed to come back onto campus in October?” Provost Locke said, sweat dripping down his face as he shook the ball.

ResLife Just One Staffer Who Only Speaks Lies And One Who Always Tells The Truth |

Following multiple delays in housing assignments and reports of weeks-long email response times, a critically understaffed Office of Residential Life has been confirmed to have only two employees: one who only speaks lies and one who always tells the truth.

BDH Becoming Scarily Relevant To Daily Life |

After finding themselves somehow interested in what the paper had to say, sources report that the Brown Daily Herald is becoming scarily relevant to daily life. “I never thought I could get so desperate for news that I’d read the BDH,” said Emily Fromme ’21.

RISD Issues Masks Printed With Aloof Pouts |

In preparation for a safe return to campus, RISD has issued masks printed with aloof pouts to their entire student body. “We wanted to ensure that our students will still be able to convey that they’re so over it all even though their faces must be covered,” explained RISD president Rosanne Somerson, displaying the curled lip and slight frown printed on all official RISD masks.

Report: Students Excited For Return To In-Person Loneliness |

Undergraduates returning to Providence for the fall semester are excited for a return to in-person loneliness, a new poll has found. A full 80% of students polled were “very excited” that they would be able to be isolated in a different city.

With A Newer Dorm Almost Complete, New Dorm To Now Go By Ariadne |

With the new dorm being built on 450 Brook St. nearly complete, the dorm formerly known as New Dorm has decided to now go by Ariadne. The new dorm, located across from Pembroke Field, will also be home to an integrated health and wellness center, but the health and wellness of another building has come into question.

I Miss Going To Parties, Lies Student |

Lying through his teeth during a conversation over Zoom last week, sophomore Greyson Clark said he misses going to parties. “I can’t believe we won’t get to walk several blocks through the cold to stand in a stranger’s hot, overcrowded basement for half an hour every weekend,” Clark lied, quietly breathing a sigh of relief.

Tall Boy Humbled By Webcam Angle |

According to his classmates, tall boy Ben Smithston was humbled by his webcam angle over Zoom. “The camera makes Ben look all weird over Zoom," said classmate Kathy Wilson, watching Smithston make a double chin as he struggled to look at the camera like a normal person.

RI Governor Makes Exception For Gathering Guidelines After Learning That Event Planning 101 Is Mandatory For All Student Groups |

Speaking at a daily press briefing on the COVID-19 pandemic, Rhode Island governor Gina Raimondo backtracked this week on an earlier guideline banning gatherings of 15 or more people after learning that SAO’s Event Planning 101 workshop is mandatory for all student groups.

Granoff Dinner Restricted To Essential Rich Assholes This Year |

According to a recent email sent by Marty Granoff to last year’s Granoff Dinner attendees, this year’s dinner will be restricted to essential rich assholes only. “I understand that the Granoff Dinner is an important event for all extravagantly wealthy snobs,” the email read, explaining that the volume of horrible millionaires that usually attend the dinner isn’t doable due to public health guidelines.

Christina Paxson Promises Fall Semester With Campus Safe For Entire Endowment |

In an email to Brown’s undergraduate student body last Tuesday, Brown President Christina Paxson assured students that the fall 2020 academic semester would be safe for the entire endowment. “I am aware that recent surges in COVID-19 cases at other universities attempting to hold in-person classes and their subsequent closures may worry some students,” Paxson wrote.

Junior With Off-Campus Privileges Repeating "Sublet" Like He On HGTV |

Sources report that Todd Anderson, a junior with off-campus privileges, is repeating “sublet” like he’s on an HGTV show. “Our budget was limited, but we really wanted a place that was move-in ready,” Anderson explained as if he were on a reality television show about home buying.

Vice President Estes Psyched To Finally See His Name In Important Emails |

Crowing at his recent accomplishments, Vice President of Campus Life Eric Estes was overjoyed to finally have his name at the bottom of important emails. “It’s just been so wonderful to see the Estes name get the recognition it deserves,” Estes exclaimed, dancing a little jig.

Healthy Fall 2020 Task Force To Rely On Regular Testing, Finger-Crossing To Keep Campus Open |

The Healthy Fall 2020 Task Force will rely on regular testing of students as well as vigorously crossing their fingers to ensure that campus stays open, according to an email sent to all Brown community members. “Our data-driven response to the evolving public health situation requires continued vigilance, responsible behavior by all members of the community, and a whole lot of dumb luck,” wrote task force co-chair Eric Estes in the statement.

BDH More Or Less Republishes Campus-Wide Email |

In keeping with the standard journalistic practice of the University newspaper, on Monday the Brown Daily Herald more or less republished a campus-wide email. Just a few hours after an email from President Christina Paxson arrived in the inboxes of all Brown community members, essentially identical information appeared in an article on the BDH website.

Creative Writing Student Overly Eager To Use Word ‘Teat’ |

Writing a piece for his Creative Nonfiction class, sophomore Steven Peppers was just a little too eager to use the word “teat.” “Yeah, Steven really wanted to read his piece first, and was super excited when he read this one part and used the word ‘teat,’” remarked fellow classmate Nicole Claro, adding that the prompt was to “write about the city you grew up in” so it was unclear how or why he snuck “teat” in.

Girl Commenting On Dear Blueno Relationship Post Wants Everyone To Know She Fucks |

According to a recent post on Dear Blueno, frequent commenter Ella McCormick ’22 wants everyone to know she fucks. An anonymous post seeking advice about a struggling long-term relationship gave McCormick a convenient platform to broadcast the nature of her sex life to the Brown community.

Brown To Pivot Towards Individualized 7,160-Semester System |

Citing the need to reduce the density of students on campus, a recent email from university president Christina Paxson outlined Brown’s plan for an individualized 7,160-semester system for the 2020-21 academic year. “By reducing the number of students on campus to one, we can recreate the on-campus student experience while adhering to all medical and public health guidelines,” read Paxson’s email.

Drinking Alone in Dorm Instead of Childhood Bedroom Clearly Worth $9,700 |

Brown University students have reported that drinking alone in a dorm instead of their childhood bedroom is clearly worth the year’s residential living fee of about $9,700. “My parents didn’t think it was worth the money for me to come back to campus,” said junior Melissa Davies, who plans to stock up at High Spirits before starting quarantine at Brown.

“I Just Can’t Focus During Zoom Classes,” Reports Area Woman Who Spent All In-Person Lectures On Facebook |

Area woman Andrea Waddell, who spent all her in-person lectures last year scrolling through Facebook, reported that she has struggled with a total lack of focus during her Zoom classes. “It’s not healthy to be looking at a screen for that long,” Waddell said, ignoring the fact that she stared at her laptop screen nonstop during all classes she attended before the pandemic began.

Casual Acquaintances Who Give Small Nod While Passing On Main Green Pick Up Relationship Where It Left Off In March |

According to eyewitness accounts, two casual acquaintances whose relationship consisted entirely of nodding to each other as they passed on the Main Green have picked up their relationship where it left off in March. “It was a nice, brief nod with a sharp upward movement,” said Jared Mouthsey, one of the acquaintances.

Senior Going To Really Miss Seriously Considering Showing Up To Office Hours Every Few Weeks |

Wistfully thinking back to simpler times, senior Tripp Carpenter was already starting to miss the feeling of seriously considering showing up to office hours every few weeks. “Things won’t be the same without waking up in the morning fully intending to go to office hours, then deciding to fuck around with my friends in the Blue Room instead,” Carpenter sighed, reminiscing about all the stimulating academic conversations he deeply considered seeking out every once in a while.

Incoming Freshman’s Room Only 15,925 Minute Walk To Ratty |

According to incoming freshman Peggy Ulchit, her room for the upcoming fall semester is only a 15,925 minute walk away from the Ratty. “I just checked Google Maps, and it looks like it’ll only take me about 16,000 minutes to get from my room to the Ratty," Ulchit said, drawing a line from her home just outside Greensboro, North Carolina to the dining hall.

Campus Braces For Arrival Of Zoom A Cappella |

Visibly flinching as they reminded themselves of the inevitable, students in the Brown community braced themselves for the impending arrival of Zoom a cappella. “Everyone knew this was coming,” said junior Jazzy Thompson, shivering as she imagined virtual covers of “Somebody To Love” and “Karma Chameleon,” among other a cappella standards that are sure to devastate Facebook feeds and inboxes this fall by way of grainy screen recordings.

LitArts Class Requires Writing Sample, Gallon Of Your Tears |

Sources report that LITR1730, Fiction In and Out of Genre, requires both a writing sample and a gallon of your tears for admission into the class. “On the first day of the semester, all students not already registered in LITR1730 must submit a gallon of their tears and a writing sample by 4 pm to the Literary Arts building at 68.5 Brown Street," said Literary Arts professor John Holmes.

While colleges across the country have struggled to reopen safely for the fall semester, Brown has announced plans to bring most students back to campus and resume in-person seminars in early October. What do you think? |

.

Campus Life