The Brown Noser

Good Guy To Lose Track Of Foreign Bad Guy In Hanging Fabric Market | Oct 31 2025

American hero Kris Darner PhD was in pursuit of a foreign ne’er-do-well running amok in an exotic land but lost track of his mark in the busy fabric section of the marketplace. “I was feeling pretty confident when I was chasing him through the dunes,” said Darner while being eyed warily by the local children.

RETRACTION: We’re Sorry For Saying Straight Sex Causes Cancer | Oct 31 2025

Our Editors would like to formally apologize for an article that ran last issue claiming straight sex causes multiple kinds of incurable cancers. The article, part of a now-defunct listicle format, was titled, “Twelve Things You Did Not Know Caused Cancer,” and in fact included some inaccurate reporting.

Ruth Simmons Quad Reopening Delayed Because Construction Workers Having Too Much Fun Digging Holes | Sep 26 2025

David Ross, director of Brown University Facilities, recently announced that the Ruth J. Simmons Quad reopening will be delayed because construction workers are having an absolute blast digging holes. “I have no power over them,” stated Ross as a jubilant horde of shovel-bearing construction workers ran rampant across the quad.

ResLife Removes Shower Curtains To Promote Community Spirit | Sep 26 2025

In an attempt to improve community engagement, ResLife has removed all the shower curtains from dorm bathrooms. “We’re always looking for ways to break down barriers between residents, so it only made sense to get rid of the shower curtains,” explained ResLife director Scott Pittman as he carted a load of discarded shower curtains off to the dumpster.

Man In All Ant Friend Group About To Ask For 100,000 Plus Ones | Sep 26 2025

In advance of a party this weekend, Eric Kerman, whose friend group is mainly composed of a large ant colony, was reportedly asking for 100,000 plus ones. “I would feel bad if I can’t invite a few of the guys over to this party,” said Eric forlornly, while carrying tiny pieces of a goldfish cracker to an anthill a few feet away.

Professor Explodes On First Day | Sep 26 2025

In a surprising turn of events, Dr. Frederike Nimkin has exploded on the very first day of his class, CHEM 0100: Introductory Chemistry. “The first few minutes of class were pretty standard, going over the syllabus and grading, but then to everyone’s surprise, Professor Nimkin exploded in front of the whole class,” recalled Emily Burns, a sophomore in the class who still had some of Nimkin’s blood on her clothes.

Friend With Car Upgraded To Best Friend Ever With Car | Sep 26 2025

In a heart-warming scene out of Fox Point this past weekend, Clea Guthrie upgraded her friend Tessa to ‘best friend ever’ status with the acquisition of her car. “Tessa and I have always been friends ever since we lived in Keeney freshman year together.

Catcaller On Thayer Would Actually Also Like A Dollar, If That Were An Option | Sep 26 2025

In a familiar scene on Thayer Street this week, local catcaller Willie Hayes was interested in perhaps acquiring a dollar from the target of his harassment, if that were available. “Nice legs honey,” Hayes called as freshman Sarah Parker’s silent pity for him turned to disgust in an instant at his harassment.

Report: Looks Like You Drunk Texted Your Academic Advisor Again | Sep 26 2025

In a cringe-worthy scene from your phone this morning, it was reported that you quadruple-texted your academic advisor while shitfaced last night. “Heyyyyyyyyyyy,” you opened as you tripped over the curb trying to make it to Jo’s, “wats concentration? Am you ther for me? Pls plese?” “Sory Youre Drunk, and your my advertiser, and its darkout,” you continued, attempting to convey an apology for the late-night message, despite the ketchup spilling down your arm and french fries falling in your lap.

Matcha Flavor Profile Eerily Similar To Dirt | Sep 26 2025

Tensions rose at your local cafe this week when customers realized that matcha actually tastes like dirt. “I call those earthy notes,” said matcha enthusiast Jessica Robertson, swirling her plastic cup like a wine critic trying to convince herself she’s not just drinking the liquid version of the lawn clippings BeanBoozled jellybean.

Campus Life