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Monday, June 24, 2019
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The Brown Noser

Campus Life

Student Hopes Professor Will Get Enough Material For Recommendation Letter From Single Office Hours Visit |

Waiting patiently in the hallway before her irst and last visit to office hours, junior Michelle Simpson hoped her professor would get to know her well enough during this brief meeting to write her a strong recommendation letter. “Hopefully this will do the trick,” Simspon said, quietly preparing how she would introduce herself and her career goals.

Last Bus Full Of Students Finally Arrives From Gala |

Sources at the Main Green report that, after more than two months, the last bus full of students has finally arrived from Gala 2019: Under the Sea. Eyewitnesses described the gloomy scene as students with sunken expressions, torn blazers, and emaciated bodies disembarked from the yellow school bus.

SciLi Adding Gargoyles Just To Lean Into The Whole Misery And Doom Thing |

Brown Facilities management announced Friday that the SciLi will be adding gargoyles to the outside of its 14-story tower just to lean into the whole misery and doom thing. “The SciLi has this brand that’s already very strongly felt by everyone here – miserable brutalist spaceship fortress,” project designer French Diamond said.

Student In Discussion Section Calling Books “The Text” Like Some Wizened Elder In A Dystopian Young Adult Novel |

According to classmates in senior Tony Collentro’s discussion section, Collentro has been calling books “the text” like some wizened elder in a dystopian young adult novel. “He said ‘the text’ like he was referring to a huge, bound book with old, crinkly pages that’s kept in an underground, illegal library,” reported classmate Brie Lawrence, “But really he was just referring to the thin, paperback copy of Dubliners that we all ordered off of Amazon.” “We were just talking about which parts of the book were our favorites,” said Lawrence.

Parents Realize Midway Through Campus Tour That They Actually Don’t Have Kids |

Sources report that New Jersey couple Erik and McKenzie Sanford suddenly remembered halfway through their recent tour of Brown University’s campus that they didn’t have kids. “I was asking the tour guide about the club baseball program,” explained Erik, “But when I looked around for my boy, I remembered that my wife and I made the call a long time ago not to have kids.” The couple reported that Brown was the third stop on their weekend college road trip to some of the top schools in the northeast.

Textbook Author Tosses In Exclamation Point To Get Readers Excited About Key Concept 4.2 |

Eagerly typing out another section of his upcoming Economics textbook, Professor Adlai Woodsworth decided to toss in an exclamation point to let readers know just how exciting Key Concept 4.2 is. “This is an incredibly intriguing point,” Woodsworth said, enthusiastically rereading the brief section summary he had written in a special textbox.

Campus Market Cashier Really Setting Up Camp Back There |

Customers at the Campus Market have reported that student cashier Brandon Day is really setting up camp back there. “It must get pretty boring behind the register,” said Shannon Carlson ’22. “I totally get bringing some homework or a good book, but he went the extra mile and brought blankets and a little mug of tea, and he has his feet kicked up on the counter like he owns the place.” “He must have a pretty long shift,” Carlson continued as the cashier took off his shoes and replaced them with cozy slippers.

Biology Professor Not Such an Expert in Life Sciences Now That He Dead |

Sources reported Friday that area biology professor Algernon Clay isn’t such an expert in life sciences now that he’s dead. “Algernon spent his entire career working diligently to unravel the mysteries of life in all its forms,” said colleague Patricia Ontkean.

Blue Room to Switch to Paper Forks and Knives |

In an effort to further promote sustainability, the Blue Room announced that they’ll be making the switch from plastic forks and knives to paper forks and knives. “We have big plans for this new initiative,” said BUDS spokesperson Evan Silverman, “Beyond paper utensils, tissue paper cups will also be used for all teas and coffees." “Our hope for the future is that one day, it’ll all just be bread, like bread bowls.”

Shake Shack On Thayer Threatened By Something Called “Malt Shed” |

According to a report by the Providence Business Bureau, the recently-opened Thayer Street Shake Shack is being rivaled by a new restaurant up the street, something simply called “Malt Shed”. “They’re probably trying to piggyback on the success of Shake Shack,” said Mandy Shapiro, Shake Shack’s manager.

Off-Campus House’s Pantry Just Peanut Butter, Quinoa |

Scanning the pantry of his off-campus house, senior Kevin Brown noticed that all he had was peanut butter and quinoa. “I have quinoa for dinner and peanut butter for my breakfast, lunch, and snacks,” explained Brown, adding that he’s always careful to use his peanut butter and quinoa, not his roommates’ peanut butter and quinoa.

Taekwondo Club Never Not Practicing |

According to student reports, the taekwondo club is never not practicing. “Kasper, Sayles, really wherever I go I see them practicing,” reports sophomore Andrew Ashford, voicing similar observations as many of his peers. “And there seems to be no rhyme or reason of when they practice.

Report: Simmons Quad Smokestack Getting Billowy Today |

The smokestack on Simmons Quad is spewing especially billowy smoke clouds today, sources reported. “Wow, that vapor is way puffier than usual right now,” sources said while walking past the metal tube pumping mysterious fumes from deep underground into the air. "Ah, the wind is blowing it over here. It’s okay to breathe this, right? I hope the environment is okay.” At press time, the source of the subterranean fumes wafting into the sky remained unknown.

Crumpled Napkin On Ratty Table Scaring Everyone Off |

According to sources at the Ratty this morning, a crumpled napkin on one of the tables was scaring everyone off. “The napkin had clearly been used,” said junior Edgar Martin, one of the many students who started walking toward the table but saw the napkin and turned around.

Jo’s Really Milking Those Three Tiny Burners In The Corner |

Jo’s is really milking those three tiny burners in the corner, sources reported. “Those burners are so small,” said freshman Maya Curry. “It’s honestly inspiring how much use they get out of them. Dumplings, pasta, you name it. No one asked for this, but for some reason they’re pulling out all the stops with this ‘Three Burners’ thing." Curry emphasized that the versatility of the three mini burners has been proven time and time again.

Student Band Thinks You Guys Will Know This One |

Sources report that student band KramervsKramer thinks you guys will know this one. “This one might sound familiar,” said lead singer and guitarist Bastian Doof after strumming a random chord. “Feel free to sing along once you hear it. It’s one of our favorite songs to cover and I have a feeling you guys are going to like it too.” At press time, all 12 members of the crowd erupted into cheers after recognizing the song.

Director Forgot To Make Play Make Sense |

Gasping in shock before the premiere of her play, director Bobbi McKenna realized that she had forgotten to make the play make sense. “It just completely slipped my mind that I had to make the plot clear,” continued McKenna, burying her face in her hands after realizing that her play was just stylized nonsense.

Ratty Trying To Find Even More Out Of The Way Place To Put The Bowls |

In a press report released on Tuesday, Sharpe Refectory administrator Nick Guerra announced that The Ratty is working on finding a new, even more out of the way place to put the bowls. “We’re stepping up our efforts to make it even harder to find bowls in the Ratty,” reported Guerra, explaining the cafeteria’s bold decision.

Dad Happy To Hear You Went To A Sports Game |

After you told him you went to a lacrosse game this weekend, your dad reported he was happy to hear you went to a sports game. “Huh, that’s great to hear,” your dad said on the phone, asking way more questions about the game than he usually does about your life. “I hear the team’s doing pretty well this year. I was hoping you’d go to at least one game before you graduated. Good for you.” At press time, your dad was excitedly asking if you were going to go to another.

Report: BDH Survey Data Skewed Towards People with too Much Free Time |

A meta-review has found that Brown Daily Herald survey data is dramatically skewed towards people who have way too much time on their hands. The report casts doubt on the BDH’s polls, previously considered the authoritative window into student life at Brown University.

Fashion@Brown Just Sad People Wearing Things from Dad’s Closet |

According to Fashion@Brown’s Instagram followers, all of their content is just sad people wearing things they found in their dad’s closet. “I found this really cool polo from 1993 in my dad’s closet over spring break,” said model Mickey O’Connor, gazing into the distance with an empty look in his eyes.

Terrifying Professor Signs Off Emails With “See You In Hell” |

Terrified students in Professor Jim Cobble’s CLPS300 class have reported that the professor signs off every email with “See You In Hell.” “My god, he did it again,” said student Jim Stork with a tinge of horror in his voice as he scanned an email from Cobble.

SciLi Adding Gargoyles Just To Lean Into The Whole Misery And Doom Thing |

Brown Facilities management announced Friday that the SciLi will be adding gargoyles to the outside of its 14-story tower just to lean into the whole misery and doom thing. “The SciLi has this brand that’s already very strongly felt by everyone here – miserable brutalist spaceship fortress,” project designer French Diamond said.

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