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Campus Life

Dean Of The College Rashid Zia Materializes As Student Chants “Open Curriculum” Into Bathroom Mirror |

Freshman Jennifer Williams has reported a sighting of Dean Rashid Zia after she chanted “Open Curriculum” into an Archibald bathroom mirror. Legend has it that every year, on the anniversary of the Open Curriculum, Dean Zia can be summoned using this mysterious ritual.

Swearer Center Announces New Engaged Program For Students To Engage With Community In An Engaged Way |

After months of planning, this morning the Swearer Center for Public Service announced a new engaged program for students to engage with the community in an engaged way. “This new program is an unparalleled engagement opportunity for community-oriented students,” said Executive Director of the Swearer Center Matthew Johnson.

Groundbreaking BDH Augmented Reality Story Simulates World Where Herald Relevant |

Early this week, the Brown Daily Herald released a groundbreaking “Augmented Reality” story that simulates a world where The Herald is actually relevant. The article represents a new milestone for the college publication as it continues to embrace the immersive potential of digital media.

Listserv Apologizes For Its Existence With Every Email |

Subscribers of the Brown Screen Printing Club’s Listserv announced yesterday that every email takes the form of an apology for its own existence. “They started off well with their trademark ‘Hey Printies!!!’ opening line,” reported Jason Fine ‘23, who signed up for the club’s Listserv out of a genuine interest in screen printing.

CareerLab Wants To Know If Student Ever Considered Riding Rails Or Hitting Open Road |

During a meeting with a student looking for help with his job search, CareerLab counselor Marjorie Klein began to ask whether he had ever considered riding the rails or hitting the open road. “He came in asking about a career in journalism, but all I could offer was a crude rucksack and a bit of hardtack for his journey west," Klein said.

Shakespeare On The Green To Reimagine The Tempest As Bad |

On Thursday, student performance group Shakespeare on the Green announced that, for their winter slot, they will produce The Tempest boldly reimagined as bad. “From last year’s production of Macbeth set in Weimar Germany, to our 2015 resetting of The Merry Wives of Windsor at a summer camp, we’re always looking for new and interesting takes on Shakespeare’s body of work,” stated Rebecca Olson ‘22, chair of Shakespeare on the Green.

Professor Gleefully Basks In Soft Chuckles Elicited By Joke |

Scanning the lecture hall following a carefully-crafted ironic comment, Professor of Economics Donald Feldstein was thrilled to hear soft chuckles from several slightly amused students. “I mean, it wasn’t ha-ha funny or anything,” said student Chris Anderson as Feldstein beamed around the class from his podium, congratulating himself with a discreet fist pump and quietly muttering, “you still got it.” “I thought he deserved at least a titter of acknowledgment, though,” Anderson added as Feldstein continued to glow radiantly, advancing through lecture slides with a sense of renewed vigor.

Tall Boy Friends With Other Tall Boys |

As they traveled across campus in a towering cluster, sources observed that tall boy Brent Hallquist is friends with other tall boys. “Oh wow,” said sophomore Sylvie Crenshaw as the 6’4" Hallquist and his towering friends traversed the Main Green.

Ok, This Going To Be One Of Those Readings Student Skims |

Sources close to the situation have reported that this is going to be one of those readings sophomore Ken Dodson skims. “I really think skimming the introduction and conclusion should give me just as much understanding as reading the entire article,” he stated after reading a few pages of the thirty-plus page article assigned for his anthropology course, ignoring his prior commitment to “really put the pedal to the metal” with his readings this week.

Jo's Scales Back Operations To Just Jo |

In an attempt to cut down on the need for late-night workers, the popular Jo’s eatery has reportedly scaled back its operations to just Jo himself. “We’ve maintained all the meal options students know and love at Jo’s,” said Director of Dining Services John Barber, emphasizing that salads, burgers, and quesadillas aren’t going anywhere.

Report: Indy Doing Such A Good Job With Their Little Paper |

Cheering on the staff of The College Hill Independent, sources across campus have reported that The Indy is doing such a good job with their little newspaper. “Awwww look at them go!” Cassandra Marino ’21 commented as Indy staffers deposited stacks of their adorable paper around campus.

Art Student’s Jokes About Being Unemployable Getting Increasingly Sincere |

This past week, sources reported that art student William Marino’s jokes about being unemployable are getting increasingly sincere. “At first, Will’s jokes were funny,” said Marino’s friend Alice Kaufman. “He’d chuckle and say things like, ‘I’m majoring in living in my car,’ and it would crack everyone up.

Report: We Literally Have A Class Called “Old-Time String Band” Here |

Apparently, we literally have a class called “Old-Time String Band” here… Weird, right? Students across campus have expressed confusion over their hypothetical ability to take a class that is not something you can or necessarily should make a class out of.

Brown Students For Yang Proudly Pretend To Understand Economics |

With the primary election moving closer, Brown Students for Yang have started to proudly roam campus pretending to understand economics. “I support Yang because Universal Basic Income is simply common sense from an economic standpoint,” said Peter Greenwall ’21 said, putting on a facade of knowledge regarding the nation’s economy.

Potted Plant In Dorm Wishes It Didn't Need So Much Fucking Sunlight Either |

Sources confirmed yesterday that the potted plant in Archibald 432 wishes it didn’t need so much fucking sunlight either. “I don’t know why I’m like this,” the plant complained. “If I don’t get enough sunlight, I wilt. That’s just how it is.

Guy Who Did Summer Abroad Nailing Pronunciation Of Pico De Gallo |

Sources report that Matthew Hornsteader, who spent his summer abroad, is absolutely nailing his pronunciation of pico de gallo. The student revealed his awesome linguistic aptitude as he was rounding out his burrito order at a local Bajas. “Matthew freaking had it down pat,” reported Julie Monroe ’21, who was in line behind the veritable salsa savant.

No One Can Resist A Man In Uniform, Safewalker Reports |

Confidently donning his neon yellow vest, local safewalker Sam Rodriguez reported that no one can resist a man in uniform. “Now there’s a sharp-dressing gentleman,” Rodriguez said, casually flexing under the bright tarp he wore over his clothes to stand out in the dark.

Guy Holding Bluetooth Speaker At Party Has Never Known A Power Such As This |

Sources report that Bart Becker, who was seen holding the bluetooth speaker playing music for the entire party, has never known a power such as this. “At first, I was just holding it on my cheek to feel the vibration because that shit rocks,” noted Becker.

Fuck It, “Proficient In Google Docs” Going On Resume |

Poring over his sparse resume, senior Jake Peters decided that, fuck it, “Proficient in Google Docs” was going on there. “I know that Google Docs isn’t exactly a talent,” Peters confessed as he figured he might as well add the line to the “Skills” section of his resume.

Egyptology Professor’s Favorite Country Probably Egypt |

Students of Dr. Mary Howell’s hieroglyphics seminar have inferred that the renowned Egyptology professor’s favorite country is probably Egypt. “I mean I’m not 100 percent sure, but if I had to guess, I feel like Egypt would have to be in her top 5 favorite countries at least,” Bryan Reed ‘22 reported of Dr.

Wooden Antique Bedside Table Really Pulls Cinderblock Dorm Room Together |

Sources report that Jarvis Storkin’s new wooden antique bedside table really pulls his cinderblock dorm room together. The bedside table reportedly transformed a cold room with cheap posters on the wall into a real home. “I saw it on the side of the road and I just knew that it was the last piece I needed to finish decorating my room,” sad Storkin, admiring the deep mahogany shades of the table against the hideous white paint chipping off his walls.

Only Thing Guy Adding To The Discourse The Word “Discourse” |

Despite the lengthiness and frequency of his comments, the only thing James Kessler ‘22 is adding to the discourse of his linguistic anthropology section is the word “discourse.” “I’d just like to push back on that if I can,” Kessler added both in response to and during a classmate’s point, launching into a comment that was a complete jumble of wordy nonsense save for the technically correct usage of the word “discourse.” “I just feel as though we need to properly consider the ways in which the discourse surrounding language contributes to the hegemonic structure of the symbolic marketplace of linguistic exchange.” At press time, Kessler has induced a liminal state between sleep and wakefulness among his peers by repeatedly using the word “liminal.”.

Brown Just Tossing Bagpipers Into Any Event At This Point |

Figuring it adds a little extra something to campus occurrences, Brown has been tossing bagpipers into just about any event recently. “At first we only had bagpipers at very specific events,” university spokeswoman Aubrey Barnes explained, noting convocation and graduation as happenings that have warranted bagpipers in the past.

Student Underlines Last Line of Novel Because That Probably Important |

Confidently uncapping his pen, sophomore Vincent Tomasi underlined the last line of the novel he was reading for his English seminar because that’s probably important. “It was a short line, but I figured it must be pretty critical, being the last line,” Tomasi said, drawing a little star next to the presumably significant final sentence.

Ratty To Replace Compost Bins With Dad Who'll Finish Whatever You Don't Eat |

According to an announcement from Director of Dining Services John Barber, the Ratty will replace all its compost bins with a dad who’ll finish whatever you don’t want to eat. “Instead of disposing of food waste in compost bins, we’re transitioning to a fully dad-based system,” Barber said, explaining how the dad would be conveniently positioned where the four compost bins once stood.

Report: Bobby Has To Stop By This Other Thing First But He'll Meet Us There |

Sources report that Bobby has to stop by this other thing first, but he’ll meet us there. While originally Bobby, Caitlyn, Vanessa, and Carlos were going to go Alex’s party together after pregaming in Vanessa’s room, right when they were about to leave, Bobby unexpectedly announced that he needed to stop by Mark’s room because he promised he would.

Thayer Getting Too Corporate, Reports BEO Concentrator Who Will One Day Bulldoze Yosemite |

After a walk on Thayer Street past the new Chase Bank and recently closed Tealuxe, Dan Silver, a BEO concentrator who will one day bulldoze Yosemite, reported that Thayer Street is getting too corporate. “I just feel like with the addition of all these chains, Thayer is losing what makes it so unique,” reported Silver, who, in a mere 20 years, will use the skills and connections he is currently developing in Brown’s BEO program to spearhead an initiative to raze one of the country’s oldest and largest national parks for private development.

Student Hopes Fourth Lap Around Ratty Might Yield New Menu Choices |

As she power walked past the coffee station, first year Megan Smith hoped that her fourth lap around the Ratty might reveal some new menu choices. “Maybe the fries have gotten less soggy in the last few minutes?” Smith said. “Or I kinda zoned out in my first three passes by Roots and Shoots.

Report: BDH Stands For Boring, Dumb Headlines |

According to a recent report, the BDH revealed that their name actually stands for Boring, Dumb Headlines. “All of us lame nerds at the BDH just want to let everyone know that our name stands for Boring, Dumb Headlines,” said the stupid spokesperson for the dumb paper that no one even likes.

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