The Brown Noser

Humanities Professor Really Excited To Hold Space | Feb 06 2026

Visual Arts Professor Anna Marinson is excited to get back to campus so she can continue holding space in her 12-person Feminist Furniture-Making seminar. “Honestly, there’s nothing I love more than deconstructing liminal paradigms from a postmodernist perspective,” said Marinson, pacing Lacanianly around her Page-Rob classroom.

Annoying Psionic Kid Probably Gonna Trap You In Mind Prison For One Million Years At Lunch Again | Feb 06 2026

Recent reports from the middle school lunchroom indicate that the annoying psionic kid is probably going to trap you in mind prison for a million years again. “Yesterday at lunch, Luke forced me to experience one million years trapped inside my own mind in the space of an instant.

Sorority Rush No Match For Ultimate Frisbee Tryouts | Feb 06 2026

In a shocking turn of events, sorority recruitment is shaping up to be absolutely no match for the hardcore ultimate frisbee tryouts. “I figured I could both rush a sorority and try out for ultimate frisbee, but ultimate frisbee has crushed my spirit,” said Lily Smith ’29, whose white dress was splattered with the muddy slush of the frisbee fields.

Friend Takes Shoes And Socks Off During Library Study Session | Feb 06 2026

Much to her friend’s dismay, Valerie Bitcoff reportedly took off her shoes, and later her socks, during a library study session. “We arrived to the Rock with shoes and socks on, and were studying like we usually do. But then I noticed Val slipping off one of her Onitsuka Tigers under the table.

FBI Agents Gonna Make Sure Nobody’s Hiding Under Thin Layer of Snow | Feb 06 2026

FBI Agents were seen kicking around snow to make sure nobody was hiding under it. “Gonna find him any minute now,” said FBI Agent Sandra Keys as she shuffled around a snow-powdered front lawn. “It’s a waiting game. While we do know from security camera footage that we are looking for a large male, we are unsure as to whether he put himself in a shrinking machine within the last 24 hours that would make it so he could hide between blades of grass.

Debbie So Random | Feb 06 2026

Reports are showing that Debbie is literally so random. “Bob,” said Debbie, out of literally nowhere. “Hola. Soy Mr. Bob. And I am the manager of sloth kingdom. Ha.” “Yeah that’s classic Debbie for you,” said her classmate Robin Marin, as she watched Debbie stick her tongue out and make a peace sign.

Chartreuse Friend Born To Safewalk | Feb 06 2026

In recent news, your chartreuse friend Ignacio Warner-Kellog ’28 was born to safewalk. “What do I think makes me a great safewalker?” Warner-Kellog asked, body shining yellow-green as he reflected the headlights of passing cars. “Well, I’m alert, personable, and I enjoy long walks at night!” “I was a little nervous I wouldn’t get approved,” Warner-Kellog continued, emitting neon rays that enveloped his fellow safewalker and safewalkee in an impenetrable aura of protective visibility.

Student Cheats By Tapping Into The Collective Unconscious | Feb 06 2026

While Brown University cracks down on generative AI use, the administration has yet to address the cheating technique of interpreting symbols in dreams to access the entirety of shared human knowledge. “All human knowledge and experience is shared in our deep unconsciousness.

Guy Friend Keeps Adding Himself Into Kiss, Marry, Kill Hypothetical | Dec 12 2025

Last night, one student’s guy friend kept adding himself into various kiss, marry, kill hypotheticals. “Brady is such a goofball, so I thought it was just a fun joke when he put himself with Brad Pitt and Jacob Elordi for the first kiss, marry, kill,” reported Madeline Hutchley, who was deciding whether or not to respond to Brady’s goodnight text.

Paxson Visited By The Ghost of Christmas Present, Past, And Also Avicii Because He Wasn’t Just Gonna Pass Up A Good Time | Dec 12 2025

The night before Christmas, Christina Paxson was visited by the ghosts of Christmas Present, Past, and also Avicii because he wasn’t just gonna pass up a good time. “Chris? Ah, she’s an absolute party of a woman, absolute gulleplutt,” said Avicci as he cranked up his ghost DJ board in the Paxson mansion.

Campus Life