The Brown Noser

Senior Wistfully Recalls Four Years of Watching Tasty Videos During Lecture |

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Jo’s To Add Second Empty Ketchup Dispenser For Late-Night Rush |

In response to increasing demand, Brown Dining Services director Martha Lorn announced that Jo’s will add a second empty ketchup dispenser to help ease the late night rush. “One empty container isn’t enough to keep up with the hundreds of students who eat at Jo’s on weekend nights,” Lorn said.

‘What a Steal!’ Says Junior Who Just Bought Senior’s Lumpy Sex Couch |

Excited about the great bargain he had found on Brown University Buying and Selling, junior Marcus Schmidt reportedly told sources, “What a steal!” after purchasing senior Ann Rodriguez’s lumpy sex couch. “How no one had snagged this yet really beats me,” reported Schmidt, already reclining upon the couch which all of its previous owners had had sex on.

No One On Main Green That Good At The Sport They’re Playing |

Watching someone kick a soccer ball way over the head of the person they were passing to, junior Shannon Richie reported that, even though there were tons of people playing sports on The Main Green, no one was that good. “The people playing Frisbee in the middle look like they’re having a blast but I haven’t seen a single one catch it,” continued Richie.

Brown Football Player Torn Between Which Brown Football Sweatshirt To Go With Today |

Holding up two nearly identical options, sophomore football player Jimmy Giordano declared himself hopelessly unable to decide between his gray Brown University football hoodie and his black Brown University football hoodie. “It’s tough because they’re both excellent options,” stated Giordano, who plays left tackle for the Bears.

Newly Elected UCS Excited To Enact Groundbreaking Legislation No One Outside of UCS Will Ever Hear About |

The newly elected Undergraduate Council of Students, the oldest college student government in the United States, is excited to push for important changes to the University that almost no students will pay attention to. “This is apparently important, but I don’t think any of us will pay attention,” said junior Dara Lang, who feels that Brown could probably improve in a few ways, but does not feel motivated to become involved in the changes.

Automatic Flushing Toilet Needs To Calm The Hell Down |

A toilet in the men’s bathroom of the Sciences Library needs to “calm the hell down,” report distressed students. The toilet’s easily excitable motion sensor, and raw, unbridled power caught several unsuspecting individuals completely off guard.

Acapella Group’s Beatboxer Spitting So Much |

Explaining that she had been spitting on everyone around her, audience members confirmed that acapella group Sing Sharp’s beatboxer Ellie Monsori was spitting so much. “I’m nowhere near the first row and I can clearly see that she’s spitting everywhere,” said Terry Gower ‘19, who couldn’t stop watching Monsori during the Sharp’s rendition of “Take Me Home Tonight.” “Sometimes she covers her mouth with her hand but sometimes she doesn’t, and then she’s just spitting all over everything.” At the end of the song, Monsori passed her mic to another member of the group who would soon begin spitting everywhere..

Prospective Student Totally Getting Accepted After Writing Thank You Note To Tour Guide |

Signing his name at the end of a heartfelt and lengthy letter to his tour guide, prospective student Anthony Atkins concluded he was totally getting into Brown as a result of his thank you note. “It’s pretty much a sure bet now,” said Atkins, a high school junior from Boston, explaining how he tailored the thank you note directly to his tour guide.

Student With Fjällräven Backpack Must Have Deep Appreciation for Swedish Culture |

Sources reported Thursday that a student spotted with a Fjällräven backpack must have a deep appreciation for Swedish culture. “Fjällräven Kånkens are the epitome of Nordic style,” Kody Brooks ‘19 remarked upon spotting the girl in Faunce.

Brown To Welcome Class of 2022 With Pair of Gloves, Increased Tuition |

Christina Paxson announced yesterday that Brown University was thrilled to welcome the incoming Class of 2022 with a pair of small, cotton gloves with the unrecognizable bear logo and a $10,000 increase in tuition. “There’s no better way to show how excited we are about the diverse, bright young minds entering our institution than to send them a pair of gloves that they could reasonably buy for $5 on Amazon and to charge them more for an already obscenely expensive education,” explained Paxson, adding that she believes Admissions has really taken into account what the Brown community truly wants and needs.

BUDS Supervisor Sports Towering Stack of Hats to Assert Dominance |

Veteran BUDS worker Jacob Olsen ‘19, fresh off a promotion to shift supervisor at Andrews Commons, has begun sporting a towering stack of hats to assert his dominance in the workplace. Sources spotted Olsen taking tiny, measured steps behind the pho counter on Wednesday afternoon in efforts to keep his colorful assortment of headwear from toppling to the ground.

New Datamatch Site Only Matches You With Single Blognonian Staff |

The Blognonian released a second iteration of Brown Datamatch results yesterday morning, and according to several individuals who participated, it only matched people with the blog’s staff. “I was scrolling through and all of my matches were with Blognonian staffers,” said junior Kerri Slane.

Woman in Window of Tealuxe Waiting for Someone to Notice How Hot She Looks |

After sitting in the window of Tealuxe longingly for the last several hours, area woman Nicole Lamb confirmed reports that she’s been waiting for someone to notice how hot she looks. “Tealuxe is the best place on Thayer to go if you’re looking for a low-key place to get some work done where everyone passing by the windows can see how hot you look,” said Lamb, adjusting her clear-frame glasses as she glanced out at the street to check if pedestrians had noticed her visible hotness.

A Day on College Hill Revamped To Eight Miraculous Nights on College Hill |

This week, the Bruin Club unveiled its latest plan to revamp A Day on College Hill (ADOCH) to Eight Miraculous Nights on College Hill (EMNOCH). “EMNOCH is comprised of eight unforgettable nights, each designed to be the best of the students’ life,” remarked Beth Jenner, a coordinator of the program formerly-known-as ADOCH.

ADOCH Host Gives Visiting Student Authentic Taste of Campus Life By Sexiling Him |

While hundreds of admitted students explored campus through ADOCH events this month, one prospective student experienced an authentic glimpse of life at Brown when his ADOCH host sexiled him for the night. “I was on my way back from a concert when my host texted me and asked me to stay clear of the room,” recalled Michael Dimeno, an admitted student who was asked to leave with little explanation on his first night at Brown.

BDH Poll Finds 90 Percent Of Students Don't Want To Be Bothered With Surveys |

According to the Brown Daily Herald’s Spring 2018 Poll, the vast majority of undergraduate students don’t want to fill out their survey. “Within a 3 percent margin of error, we found that 9 in 10 students we approached refused to take the poll,” reported poll coordinator Brianne Davis ’19.

Listserv Email Somber Reminder Of Past Innocence, Openness To New Experience |

Junior James Wright reports that an email that had appeared in his inbox early this morning with the subject line “Brown Aerial Arts Revised Schedule” was a poignant reminder of the openness and energizing curiosity that flowed through the early weeks of his freshman year.

Student Compensating For Absolute Shithole Of A Room With Tiny Potted Cactus |

Claiming he wants to make his room feel more welcoming, junior Craig Rollins bought a tiny potted cactus for his absolute shithole of a room. “It’s nice to have something beautiful and alive in my room,” said Rollins, completely ignoring the fact that the rest of his room is covered in piles of unfolded clothes and dirty dishes.

Student Inadvertently Completes Ratty Challenge While Attempting To Find Open Table |

Explaining that he had no idea how much time was passing as he searched for a table, sophomore Brian Patel inadvertently completed the Ratty challenge on Thursday. “I knew that I’d been doing laps for a while but I didn’t really start to think anything was out of the ordinary until it got dark outside,” Patel reported.

Clumsy Freshman Gets Locked Out Of Campus |

Telling sources he ‘could’ve sworn he had his key,’ freshman Keaton Jefferson has reportedly gotten locked out of the Brown University campus. “This sucks even more because my laptop and notes are all in there,” says Jefferson, seen idly leaning against a stone wall outside one of several entrances to Brown’s 140 acre campus.

“Does Anyone Know How To Work This?” Desperately Asks Professor Holding Huge Mass Of Tangled Cords |

Holding up the huge mass of tangled cords attached to the podium at the front of the classroom, Professor Jessie Hall frantically addressed his class asking if any of them knew how to work the projector system. “You’re all young, one of you has to know how I plug my computer into this,” said Hall, pecking haphazardly at the multimedia panel mounted on the wall near the chalkboard.

Critical Review Staffer Really Adding Artistic Flare To APMA 1740 Review |

Sources report that some critical review staffer definitely took serious creative license in their review of APMA 1740: Recent Applications Of Probability and Statistics. “I think the review began with a Kante quote,” reported an astonished Laura O’Neill, who added that the course description was chalk full of fanciful prose.

Student Complaining About Being Broke Must Not See the LaCroix In Her Hand |

Sources report that junior Margie Hough expressed genuine distress over how broke she was even though she was very visibly holding a pamplemouse LaCroix that cost way too much for some bubbly water with half-faded flavor. Seen longingly gazing at the people swinging in the windows of By Chloe, Hough felt her pre-allowance checking account balance weigh heavily on her.

Jeb Bush's Tepid, Feeble Answers No Match for Christina Paxson's Lukewarm, Dispassionate Questions |

Sources report that the tepid and feeble answers provided by Jeb Bush at tonight’s Ogden Memorial Lecture on International Affairs were no match for Christina Paxson’s lukewarm and dispassionate questions. Lecture attendees report that Bush withered during the onslaught of softball questions posed by Paxson.

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