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Friday, May 24, 2013
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The Brown Noser

Campus Life

University to Double Investment in Coal out of Spite |

Despite heavy campaigning by the Brown Divest Coal Campaign, the University has decided to instead double its investment in coal, for no other reason than to spite the numerous students who oppose it.

Guy Talking About BOLT Like It's His Fucking Wife |

Sources report BOLT Leader Alvin Rabinsky ‘14 has been talking about BOLT like it’s his fucking wife, littering conversations with statements about BOLT that are “undeniably romantic.” “Last week he went on an overnight trip with BOLT,” said Rabinsky’s roommate, Jon Franz ’14.

Student Just Wants a Summer Job Where an Old Man Calls Him Champ |

Though Jason Pendleton ’14 has been looking for summer internships and jobs for the past several months, he has been unable to find exactly what he is looking for. “I’ve been really disappointed by the lack of opportunities I’ve found,” said Pendleton.

Normally Humorless Cat Hamming It Up for the Camera |

Domestic housecat and budding YouTube sensation Herman has overcome his inherently boring nature to ham it up whenever there is a camera around him. Herman, whose day-to-day routine normally includes such yawn-inducing activities as lazing in the sun, lazing on the couch and pooping in a box, “always seems to pull something,” says Collin Andrews, Herman’s owner.

Embarrassed Student with Armful of Stones Realizes He Is at Wrong Lottery |

On Wednesday April 10th, students stampeded into Sayles Hall for the first night of Brown’s annual Housing Lottery, an event that entailed a stressful scramble for most students and an embarrassing misunderstanding for one. Moments after Joe Hutchinson ‘14 selected his housing, the first pick of the evening, Caleb Smith ’16 began to pelt the rising senior with an armful of stones.

Everyone Asking Freshman Girl What She's Doing This Weekend, Reports Freshman Girl |

According to Lauren Rollins ‘16, the entire population of the world has been relentlessly harassing her about her weekend plans. “Everyone has been texting me asking if I want to go to the movies,” she said. "Everyone is so persistent. But I’m like, I just want to sleep!" The entirety of the world’s population was additionally disappointed to hear that Rollins wasn’t up to see the new Ryan Gosling movie, because she’d had such a busy week balancing her five classes with her business internship, part-time job and elementary school math tutoring.

Friend on Gchat Mysteriously LOLs at Everything |

As of 9:42 p.m. on Tuesday, the meaning of Alyssa Bauer’s frequent use of “LOL” on Google Chat was unknown. After Liz Jennings ‘15, Graduate Center resident, chatted Bauer “hey,” Bauer inexplicably chatted back "hey what’s up LOL." It is uncertain why the everyday greeting of “hey what’s up” caused Bauer to physically convulse with laughter.

Paxson Supports Gay Marriage as Local Business Owner, Is Unsure About It as a Character She's Been Working on Called Josh |

In Monday’s address to the University, President Christina Paxson revealed that though she strongly supports gay marriage as a local business owner, she remains unsure about it as a character named Josh that she’s been workshopping at comedy clubs in the greater New England area.

University to Renovate Things, and Lots of Them! |

Committed to keeping Brown a great place to be, the Corporation has recently approved extensive renovations on a whole bunch of things all over campus. “We care about quality of life at Brown. That’s why we’re planning on renovating all these things,” said Executive Vice President for University Advancement Sylvia Reinholdt.

Captain Crunch’s Long-­Lasting Crunch Proves Completely Irrelevant in Brutal Naval Combat |

Captain Crunch yesterday suffered a crushing defeat at the hands of the North Korean navy, as his much-touted crunchiness completely failed to stem the enemy assault. “Mr. Crunch’s fleet, delicious as it may have been, was wholly unprepared for naval combat,” said a grim Admiral Dennis Hooper at a press conference late last night.

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