The Brown Noser

Campus Life

“Let’s Get This Shitshow Over With” Mutters Christina Paxson At Start Of Mid-Year Graduation Ceremony |

Sources listening closely to the beginning of the mid-year completion ceremony last week report hearing University president Christina Paxson mutter to herself, “let’s get this shitshow over with.” “Alright, Chris, you just gotta sit through a few speeches, say some shit someone wrote for you, and then this waste of time will be over and done,” said President Paxson softly in the upper Salomon lecture hall at the beginning of the ceremony that lasted no more than 45 minutes.

Student Asking About Winter Break Plans Really Asking About Your Parents’ Annual Income |

Curious if you’re a fellow member of her tax bracket or not, junior Eliza Voorhees is asking about your winter break plans to actually ask about your parents’ annual income. “So, are you doing anything fun for winter break?” asked Voorhees, ready to estimate your family’s net worth upon hearing your response.

Oops, RISD Student Left Possum Teeth in Other Tote |

Darn it, it seems that RISD student Zoe Kasper accidentally left her spare possum teeth in her other tote bag. “I swear I always keep them on me,” said Kasper as she frantically rummaged through a tote bag covered in googley eyes. “I usually keep them right next to all my loose doubloons.

CS TA Enjoys Hiking, Baking, Writing Algorithms to Produce Humanoid Hobbies for Website Bio |

Sources report that Computer Science TA Mark Johnson enjoys hiking, baking, and writing algorithms to produce humanoid hobbies for his class website bio. “I just really enjoy getting out into the fresh air,” said Johnson through the AI bot he had trained to make him sound like a well-balanced human being.

Area Woman Dons Scarf, Clogs, Looks Forward to Day Full of Making Students Uncomfortable Through Prayer |

This morning, an area woman put on her trademark scarf and clogs, preparing for a full day of making local students feel socially anxious through prayer. “She walked up to us and asked if she could ‘pray’ for us,” said Mac Davidson ‘24, still reeling from the awkwardness of the encounter.

Painful Party Much More Painful After Introduction of Cards Against Humanity |

Awkwardly sitting on the host’s living room carpet, sources report that an excruciatingly painful party has only become more painful after someone brought out Cards Against Humanity. “It’s bad enough that I barely know most of these people, but now I have to listen to them make jokes about unicorn threesomes and Ronald Reagan’s nipples,” said attendee Wendy Welch, already brainstorming excuses to quietly leave before she had to be “judge.” “I think the guy next to me is cracking up just because his card has the word ‘gloryhole’ on it.” “Some of them are taking this really seriously,” added Welch as two people got into a heated debate about whether “tentacle porn” or “tasteful sideboob” should have won the last round.

BDH Excited To Share News With All Of Its Reader |

Brown Daily Herald editor Jane Posner recently stated that the BDH is thrilled to share news with all of its reader. “It’s such an honor to serve all the member of our Providence community in this way,” Posner said, emailing a source about an interview that every one of the BDH’s fan will read.

New Construction Started By Dorm Just to Piss You Off |

Sources close to Brown University have confirmed that the new construction starting right outside of your dorm serves no purpose other than to piss you off. “We will begin construction early next month, and expect it to continue through the next calendar year,” wrote Res Life director Brenda Ice, snickering maliciously at the unnecessary inconvenience that this will cause you.

Man Studying Theatre Would Be Banker If It Wasn't For His Warm, Emotionally Available Father |

Local theatre student, Simon Columbi, would reportedly be a banker if his father wasn’t so warm and emotionally available. “It’s like every time I bring up that, you know, I don’t want to just follow the path laid out in front of me, he sits me down for a long talk,” said Columbi, referencing their numerous heart to hearts about following an artistic passion.

Most Recent Brown Opinion Project Poll Asks Students If They Have Any Plans For Tonight Or Know Of Anything Going On And If It Would Be Cool For Them To Pull Up With A Couple People? |

In their most recent poll, members of the Brown Opinion Project reportedly asked students across campus if they have any plans for tonight or know of anything going on and if it would be cool for them to pull up with a couple people? “When we sit down to formulate a survey question, we always try to ask, ‘What do people want to know about Brown University?’” said Brown Opinion Project President John Everton, designing a pie chart with all the possible places it might be cool for him to stop by with his roommates after their pregame.

Friend Going Abroad Next Semester Lingers by Door |

Reminiscing on his precious last moments at Brown, Eli Parker ’24, who is going abroad next semester, was reportedly lingering by the door. “Well, I guess this is it. This time it isn’t just bye for one winter break. It’s bye for the length of eight winter breaks.

Student Shocked To See Several Classmates On Amtrak Back Home As If Every Other Student At This School Isn’t From Fucking New Jersey |

Sources report that first-year Lucas Moore was shocked to see several classmates on the Amtrak back home, as if every other student at this school isn’t from fucking New Jersey. “When I first arrived at Providence Place Station, I was surprised by how many students I saw dressed in Brown merch,” said Moore, baffled by the sheer number of students he recognized about to board Acela Train 2165 back to the Garden State.

BDH Reporter Waiting In Darkened Alleyway For Anonymous Source On Upcoming CareerLAB Webinar |

Furtively looking over his shoulder as his wristwatch nears 3 AM, a BDH reporter is waiting in a darkened alleyway for an anonymous source on an upcoming CareerLAB webinar. “My editor has been on my ass to get a good scoop, and I’ve been starting to get nervous I was gonna get canned if I didn’t cover a real story soon,” said BDH junior writer Peter Rubin ‘26, nervously tapping his foot on asphalt and avoiding eye contact with the occasional sketchy passerby.

Indy To Publish Article About Band That None Of You Stupid Losers Have Ever Heard Of |

Sources report that The College Hill Independent is planning on publishing an article about a band that none of you stupid losers have ever heard of. “It’s gonna center around this super cool band that none of you idiot morons are familiar with,” said Indy editor Paige Highland, scrolling through a Spotify playlist of songs that none of you asshat pigs would know.

Delusional Squirrel Running Away As Though Anyone Would Want His Acorns |

According to sources sitting on a bench by the Main Green, an absolutely delusional squirrel is running away from people as though any of them would want to take his acorns. “Not to be disrespectful or anything, but I’m a person and don’t want to eat raw acorns from the ground,” said onlooker Sierra Pérez, confused as to why the squirrel doesn’t just relax around her.

Student Hopes Recession Will Lead To Decrease In Male Economics Concentrators |

Following the recent news that the economy might go into a recession, sophomore Debra Fisch is hopeful that the amount of male economics concentrators at Brown will decrease. “I remember turning on the TV and seeing the news. I was so upset that the market was tanking,” said Debra, hiding her relief at the prospect of fewer men becoming econ concentrators.

Richard Locke Tearfully Reminiscing While Looking At Pictures Of Brown On A Sleek Rose Gold MacBook Pro Equipped With A 15 Inch Display, Touch Bar And Apple Pencil Compatibility |

According to a recent report from Cupertino, California, former Brown University provost Richard Locke was spotted tearfully reminiscing while looking at pictures of his old stomping grounds on a sleek, rose gold MacBook Pro equipped with a 15 inch display, a touch bar and full Apple Pencil compatibility.

Guy in BDW Clearly Working On Sex Robot |

Judging by the increasingly humanoid nature of another student’s project, sophomore Tina Schak reported that junior Craig Shiffrin was clearly working on a sex robot in the Brown Design Workshop. “At first, I was pretty focused on sanding down on my birdhouse, but it got pretty hard to ignore the 5’6 anatomically accurate sex automaton on the table next to me,” Schak said as she moved her birdhouse to a farther table.

Tab You Just Closed Was Actually Important One |

Sources report that the tab you just closed was actually the important one. “Oh, shit! Why did I do that? I totally needed that one,” stated you as you frantically tried to remember the keyboard shortcut for reopening a tab. “This is why you should never, ever close a tab when you’re working on a project.

Professor Who Beats Students with Sticks and Imprisons TAs in Department Catacombs Receives “Mixed Reviews” According to Critical Review |

Sources report that Charles Fletchley, a professor known to beat students with sticks and imprison TAs in the catacombs of the department office received a meek “mixed reviews” according to the Critical Review. “Students’ opinions on Professor Fletchley were a mixed bag,” reported the Critical Review, pointedly ignoring the 50 reviews from students claiming that Fletchley publicly humiliated and smacked a student with a massive plank of bark for coming ten minutes late to lecture.

Campus Photographer To Make School Look 200x More Diverse |

Campus photographer Arnie Shaws reported that most of his job consists of making this school appear way more diverse than it actually is. “I snap a quick photo of the first Black student I see and trail behind them until they reach their next destination, assuming they’ll take me to the most diverse areas on campus,” said Shaws.

Roommate Just Letting It Soak |

Area roommate Jessica Flores ‘23 is reportedly just letting her dishes soak. “I’m gonna clean them in a few days, probably,” said Flores, passing the dishes covered in Heng Thai detritus sitting in her shared kitchen sink. “But they were just so hard to scrub at first, and I wanna make sure it’ll be easier.

Student Theatre Group To Perform 1846 Musical That No One Has Heard Of Instead Of, Like, Mamma Mia |

According to a newly created Facebook event, Brown’s student theatre group The Lion Sing will be performing the 1846 musical “Jolly Good Day!” instead of Mamma Mia. “I just keep expecting to see Mamma Mia someday,” sighed senior Joe Prancer, whose only wish is to hear someone belt out ABBA songs on a desolate Greek island as they search for their true birth father.

Report: Beer Pong Ball May Have Rolled Under That Thing |

According to a report released by experts in the Crew House basement on Saturday, the beer pong ball may have rolled under that thing over there. “I can’t find it and I looked all over,” the report outlined. “We might need to get, like, a broom or something and poke around under that big thing." When asked if he had seen the ball roll under the kind of grayish thing, a source standing next to the thing said, “I don’t know, man, maybe it’s under that other thing.” At press time, the report hypothesized that once the ball was found, it would likely be covered in some nasty-looking shit from under that thing..

Security Guard At SciLi Supposed To Stop Who Exactly |

According to regulars at Brown University’s tallest library, it is absolutely unclear who exactly the SciLi security guard is supposed to stop. “Upon first glance, the security guard seems pretty threatening. He wears this super official uniform and sits behind a glass shield flanked by two metal detectors,” said sophomore Michael McKinley, realizing that, at most, the security guard has a short-range walkie talkie on him.

Student Forced To Use Toilet Paper For Tissues Really Empathizing With Life During Great Depression |

While forced to use toilet paper instead of regular tissues, Maxwell Jammer ‘24 was really able to empathize with life during the Great Depression. “They had nothing to their names. It’s incredible that those people were able to get by,” stated Jammer as he tore off a few squares of toilet paper in preparation for blowing his nose.

Report: President Paxson’s Husband Unnervingly Ripped |

Campus sources report that President Christina Paxson’s husband is alarmingly muscular. “He’s gotta have, like, one percent body fat,” marveled junior Nora Patterson as she attended one of his lectures at the Watson Institute. “And his face is so chiseled, like a marble statue.” “I can’t look away—his muscles are just so uniquely defined!” added Patterson, unable to focus on Paxson’s husband’s contributions to the field of public policy.

Student Been In Library So Long Bare Feet Starting To Seem Like Good Idea |

Unsure of the last time she wasn’t surrounded by concrete, first-year student Alyssa Hilado has been in the SciLi for so long that the thought of going barefoot is starting to seem like a good idea. “It sure would be nice to free my feet from the tough rubber soles and poor insulation of my sneakers,” said Hilado, wiggling her toes around and thinking about how much more she could wiggle them around if she just took her shoes off.

Senior's Silverware Set Composed Entirely of Accumulated Ratty Forks |

Local sources report that senior Amanda Clements’ silverware set is composed entirely of forks from the Ratty. “When we moved off-campus, we didn’t have to buy that much silverware,” Clements claimed, eating in her kitchen with a fork clearly stolen from Brown Dining Services.

Social Outcast Freak Actually Just Part of Different Friend Group |

According to sources, that social outcast freak Jason is actually just a part of a different friend group. “Jason is so weird. Like no one in my friend group even knows him,” said first-year Gina Taylor, without considering that Jason actually had his own distinct social circle.

Motion-Activated Lights Turning Off Makes Student Question Sense Of Self |

Recent reports indicate that motion-activated lights going dark sent student Anna Adjuk into a spiral of questioning her reality. “I was working in an empty classroom when all of a sudden, darkness,” Adjuk recalled, her eyes flitting around the room in a panic.