The Brown Noser

Student's Saint Patrick's Day Blood To Beer Ratio Close To 50/50 |

In a recent report out of Boston, local student Rebecca O’Connor’s ratio of blood to beer was close to half and half. “It’ssssss good to be IRISH,” O’Connor, who was 1/16th Irish, commented as Busch Lite coursed through her bloodstream.

Spring Break Gonna Be So Fun If Plane Doesn’t Go Down |

According to sophomore Madeleine Molina, spring break is set to be an unforgettable trip as long as the plane doesn’t go down. “The recent news about planes is scary, yeah, but there’s no way our flight won’t make it to Cancun,” stated Molina, surveilling outside the plane window to make sure another flying object isn’t headed straight toward the aircraft.

Archaeology Of College Hill Class Uncovers Evidence Of Underground Coffee Shop |

Groundbreaking new material evidence from Brown’s “Archaeology of College Hill” class has revealed that an underground coffee shop may have existed on the University’s campus at one time. “It appears that underneath Stephen Robert ’62 Campus Center, there may have been a gathering place of some sort, perhaps somewhere for communal food or beverage consumption,” said Dr.

Report: Actually Everyone Is Looking At You At The Gym |

A recent report out of the Nelson Fitness Center indicated that actually, everyone is looking at you at the gym. “Did you think you’re invisible? Because you’re not,” commented sophomore Daphne Chambers from her prime lookout on the top of the StairMaster.

Imposter Syndrome Not Much Of An Issue For Student In Athlete-Dominated Class |

Sources from “Financial Accounting” indicate that imposter syndrome is far from a concern for the non-athletic regular people in the athlete-dominated class. “When I was first admitted to Brown, I felt kind of undeserving, like I was a fraud.

Professor Diagnosed With Debilitating Case Of Chalk Butt |

Sources from a thermodynamics lecture this week report that engineering professor Samuel Hanks is suffering from a debilitating case of chalk butt. “There’s no doubt here. Professor Hanks has been hit with some fairly advanced chalk butt,” pronounced a pre-med in the class, observing the thick dust of chalk that had accumulated all over Professor Hanks’ rear end from leaning against the chalkboard.

Professor Just As Nervous About Office Hours As You Are |

Sources report that your professor is actually equally, if not more, nervous than you are for office hours. “I put on extra deodorant, and I’ve been reapplying every hour on the hour,” said Professor of Mathematics Dr. Adam Richards, sweat stains beginning to form on his khaki button-up.

Student Castrates Himself After Stepping On Pembroke Seal |

Distant screams heard from North Campus have confirmed that sophomore Ryan Hindleman just castrated himself after stepping on Pembroke Seal. “You know, some people might call me crazy, but I heard that the last guy who stepped on this seal fathered twins before graduation,” explained Hindleman, who was also a virgin at the time of the incident.

Student Hits New Low After Ubering To Ratty |

Reports indicate that Aiden Bowen ’25 has officially reached an all-time low after ordering an Uber from North Campus to the Ratty despite the existence of free Brown Shuttles, TransLock, and his own legs. “The weather was fine, so I know that wasn’t it,” reported one eyewitness who watched Bowen nearly fall as he tried exiting the red Honda Civic that had a glowing light reading “UBER” on the windshield.

“Double, Double, Toil And Trouble” Announce Ratty Soup Staff As They Stir Newest Creation |

Students dining at the Ratty this week were treated to the regular spectacle as dining hall staff gathered around an oversized cauldron, chanting while stirring a thick, bubbling soup. “Eye of potato, toe of boot, tail of rat, and a splash of expired oat milk—this should be our most bewitching batch yet,” crowed Sister Grizelda, adjusting her freshly issued hair net which stretched into an eerily sharp point at the top.

Desperate Today@Brown Email Announces Tomorrow’s Today@Brown Email |

After a shockingly coincidental day with absolutely no events, Today@Brown threw a wild Hail Mary and just decided to announce tomorrow’s Today@Brown. “We turned over every stone, but it just so happens that on this particular Friday, absolutely no events are happening at all at Brown University.

Brown Debate Union A Little Too Smiley While Arguing In Favor Of Child Labor |

Reports indicate that a student seemed way too giddy during a recent Brown Debate dispute over the ethics of child labor. “Look, the data speaks for itself,” stated Club President Ryan Freeman ‘27, his argumentative voice struggling to suppress a creeping giggle.

Clairvoyance 1300 Professor Fails 65% Of Class Weeks Ahead Of Final Exam |

Sources have reported that Professor Alastair Prendergast failed 65% of his Clairvoyance 1300 class this past Wednesday, five weeks ahead of the final exam. “As I gazed into the temporal rhizome, I saw a dark miasma hovering over the tests of certain students of mine,” said Prendergast, sitting languidly in an ornate wooden chair while reflecting upon the musings of his orb.

Report: I Know You Guys Do Not Read These Articles |

Latest studies indicate that you guys never ever read these articles, and by the way, I know you are only reading this one right now to try to prove me wrong. “Do not worry about it, I am not here to shame you, I totally get why people don’t read the articles.

Dog Scientist Definitely In Paleontology For The Wrong Reasons |

Reports indicate that dog scientist Dr. Milo Barker may have ulterior motives for pursuing a career in the study of ancient life. “He’s been studying the Mesozoic Era for 82 years now, he’s an expert in the field,” Barker’s research partner Yara Mejia told reporters as Barker employed his self-developed, experimental method of gnawing on a dinosaur bone specimen.

Report: Health Services’ Pap Smear Making Me Feel Crazy |

A chilling report from my diary explains that the pap smear I just had at Brown University Health Services is making me feel a little crazy. “My day started out very ordinary. I woke up, made myself some breakfast, and then headed to my 10am appointment at Wellness,” I wrote down in my diary post-pap smear before climbing up the walls and defying all laws of gravity as I clung onto the ceiling.

Stupid West Coaster Complaining About The Cold Clearly Hasn't Been To My Antarctic Wind Tunnel |

Stupid West Coaster Jeff Jackson ’28 has not stopped complaining about the cold clearly because he has never been to an Antarctic wind tunnel. “It is true that some people can’t handle the cold. They say that it ‘hurts their faces’ or ‘causes frostbite’ or whatever those snowflake-hating snowflakes get on about these days,” commented Jackson’s roommate Harry Jones.

Alumni Relations Unveils BrownConnect- To Help Alums Cut Ties With Peers |

In a thrilling innovation for alumni networking, Brown’s Office of Alumni Relations recently unveiled BrownConnect- as a service to help alums cut ties with their peers. “Our previous service, BrownConnect+, fostered mentorship and relationship-building between alumni and students.

Man Chewing Bendy Straw Like Famished Goat Munching Cud |

Sources from Brown University confirmed that Gilbert Vaughn ‘27 was spotted gnawing on a bendy straw like he was a famished goat munching cud. “I mean, look at him go,” said onlooker Shiela Jean-Smith ‘26 while Vaughn nibbled on the tip of his Hi-C juicebox’s bendy straw, methodically reducing it into a tattered mess of plastic that would look right at home among the partly digested vittles of a ruminant.

Crab-Like Friend Soft On The Inside Once You Look Past His Hardened Exterior |

After spending some time with your crab-like friend, it became apparent that he was rather soft on the inside once you looked beyond his hardened exterior. “Devin is known to be pretty reserved. But if you’re a close friend of his, he’ll really come out of his shell,” said Devin’s friend Colleen, unable to resist the allure of Devin’s one noticeably larger hand which he frequently uses to attract mates.

Rural Freshman’s Gaydar Really Confused |

Reports reveal that the gaydar of a freshman who grew up in a rural community is really confused. “If someone wanted to really put themselves out there, a rainbow bracelet, lanyard, or backpack pin was an unquestionable marker,” he explained while palming a vaguely colorful band he was wearing on his wrist that would have been a daring display in his hometown.

Guy Watching Porn In Library Better Be In Porn Class |

Reports from the Rockefeller Library’s stacks indicate that the guy watching porn over there had better be in a porn class. “Look, I know the library is for everyone, but there really is only one good reason why someone should be watching that kind of thing in here,” said Andy Sparks-Halliday ‘25, who had noticed another student watching “Saving Ryan’s Privates” for the past 45 minutes without headphones.

Smoke Break Decimates Indy Party |

Sources from an off-campus house indicate that a recent smoke break has absolutely decimated an Indy party. “Oh yeah, we’ll be right back,” said all of the Indy managing editors, section editors, layout designers, and illustrators as they gathered their cigarettes and tobacco pouches.

Pedestrian Has Right Of Way And Is Also Dead |

Sources indicate that a local pedestrian has the right of way and is also dead. “This is an unmarked crosswalk!” said the late Thomas Parker immediately before he was struck by a Buick Bolero moving at 47 miles per hour. “Cars should yield to me!” “The law does dictate that the pedestrian always has the right of way, even when the crosswalk is implicit rather than clearly marked,” said David Williams, a local traffic lawyer.

Dinner Plans Thwarted By Giant Cookie |

According to sources, a local student’s dinner plans have been entirely thwarted by a giant cookie. “I mean, it was like 4pm, and I was really hungry,” said Daniel Bennett, who had just devoured a chocolate chip cookie as large as his face.

Campus Life