The Brown Noser

Urban Studies Department Confirms Nothing Impossible In The Big City |

A study authored by top researchers from Brown’s Urban Studies department has confirmed that, in the big city, nothing is impossible. “After a thorough spatial, structural, and sociological analysis of the nation’s top urban centers, we have confirmed that, in the big city, the only thing higher than the buildings are your dreams,” said co-author of the study Dr.

.5ers Giving Us Little Kiss On Forehead Before They Steal Away Into The Night |

Sources report that just before the class of ’21.5 slips away into the night, they’re giving us a little kiss on the forehead. “I had finished packing up my room, but then I realized I’d forgotten something very, very important,” stated .5er Maurice Randall as he swung a dark, hooded cloak over his shoulders and ever so quietly shut the door behind him.

A Cappella Group Announces That This Next One Has A Little Twist |

Briefly prefacing their performance at Wayland Arch this past Wednesday, a cappella group The PemBlokes announced that this next song has a little twist. “Alright everyone, for our next song we’re doing something… a little different,” said The PemBlokes’ musical director Carter McNabers ’23 with a wry grin, knowing that the audience was in no way prepared for the upcoming Taylor Swift/Kanye mash-up the group had up its sleeve.

Report: Oh, Grad Student Has Wife |

After a classmate in a senior-level seminar mentioned their living situation, sources report that, oh, that grad student has a wife. “He’s always looked a little older than the rest of us in class, but whoa,” sources reported, floored to learn that the 26-year-old they interact with in section every week has been married for a year and a half.

Administrators Vow To End Legacy Admissions Right After All Their Kids Get Accepted To Brown |

In a campus-wide statement issued last week, University administrators announced their plan to end legacy admissions right after all their kids get accepted to Brown. “Brown is committed to leveling the playing field in its admissions process,” said Dean of Admissions Logan Powell, balancing student calls to end legacy admissions with the reality that lots of administrators have children.

BDH Publishes Eye-Opening Exposé On How Many Days Till Christmas |

In a recent exposé, the Brown Daily Herald shed light on how many days are left until Christmas. “I’m impressed by the Herald’s commitment to asking hard questions, like how many days are there before I get to open presents?” said BDH reader Jeffrey Matthews ’22, flipping his newspaper open to a helpful calendar with a bold red circle around December 25th.

Berks On Thayer Never Not Having Blowout Sale |

Noticing the deluge of fliers advertising the shoe store’s 50% off event, sources report that Berks on Thayer Street is never not having a ginormous blowout sale. “Every time I walk past, there’s a separate blowout sale being advertised,” said Marcy Logan ’22, observing the neon-colored posters that are perpetually plastered across the establishment’s windows.

Campus Party Life Entirely Dependent On Fact That People Have Birthdays |

The party life of Brown University is entirely reliant on the fact that people have birthdays, according to a recent report. “Yeah, I didn’t really have plans for this Friday night,” said sophomore Kiko Reyes, grateful that society celebrates the anniversary of one’s birth so that he can get shit-faced in a basement on any given weekend night.

Classmate Has Way Too Much Background Knowledge On Sadomasochism |

After their classmate in a Modern Culture and Media course called upon outside readings to contribute to a discussion about the week’s assigned film, sources report that sophomore Marco Porter has way too much background knowledge on sadomasochism.

Classmates In Lit Arts Class Think Your Piece Is Really Great But Maybe You Should Flesh Out The Characters A Bit More And Rethink The Premise And Just Get Rid Of Most Of What You Have Here |

The other students in your introductory fiction class reportedly think that the piece you submitted for workshop is really great, except that maybe you should flesh out the characters a bit more and rethink the premise and just get rid of most of what you have here.

Comparative Lit Student Declares Similarities Between Book, Other Book |

Sources report that Comparative Literature student Jarvis Albright ’24.5 was declaring similarities between one book and another book. “It’s clear that these texts beg to be compared,” said Albright, introducing his latest academic insight.

Ethnic Student Gets Adele Dazeem’d By Professor Again |

While introducing a presentation in an English seminar last week, Professor John Pettibone reportedly Adele Dazeem’d ethnic student Amina Khalafallah again. “And now, to present on Faulkner’s The Sound and the Fury, we have Antonin Kalahari,” said Professor Pettibone, mangling his student’s name in a way reminiscent of John Travolta’s infamous intro of Idina Menzel at the 2014 Oscars.

Girl In Class Cracking Every Joint In Body Like Great One Awaking From 100-Year Slumber |

Reaching out and grabbing the back of her chair for leverage in her history lecture, junior Bette Fesner was reportedly cracking every joint in her body like The Great One awaking from its 100-year slumber. “There she goes again,” said classmate Elinor Annasi, wincing through the deafening cacophony of pops and snaps emanating from Fesner’s neck as if it were the ethereal hum of the ancient spirits beckoning forth The Great One from its multigenerational slumber.

Guy Sitting On Main Green In 30 Degree Weather Trying To Soak Up Last Few Days Of Fall |

Savoring the final days of fall, junior Aidan Shay has been spotted hanging out on the Main Green in temperatures as low as thirty degrees. “I know that I should be in the library right now, but how can I spend the whole day inside when it’s just barely freezing out here?” said Shay, spreading a picnic blanket across the frost-covered grass.

Lit Arts Concentrator Submits Original Screenplay For Consideration In Secret Santa Gift Exchange |

Praying that her work makes it onto the right desk, Literary Arts concentrator Johanna Riegel ’22 has submitted an original screenplay for consideration in her friends’ annual secret Santa gift exchange. “I cannot believe this happened again,” said Sarah Sullivan ’22, the recipient of Riegel’s original screenplay, Enigma.

Man On Deathbed Regrets Not Going To One Or Two More Productions Of Student Theatre |

Sources report that terminally-ill 87-year-old Allen Yankelberg has expressed immense regret that he did not go to one or two more productions of student theatre in his lifetime. Attending just a couple more productions of student theatre would have made all the difference and he would have been able to die a satisfied man, sources confirmed.

Member Of Improv Group Doing That Voice Again |

Sources report that Johnny Frock-Perry ’24, a member of college improv group Improvisine, is doing that voice again. “Is he really doing that same voice again?” asked audience member Grace Vank ’23, while Frock-Perry was doing a voice that was kind of lispy but also kind of evocative of a ’40s noir detective.

Relationship With Dad Entirely Reliant On Sending Paul McCartney Interviews Back And Forth |

According to junior Margaret Hayes, her relationship with her dad is entirely reliant on sending Paul McCartney interviews back and forth to each other. “If it wasn’t for Paul McCartney occasionally going on Late Night, I don’t know where our relationship would stand,” Hayes admitted, pressing “Send” on a text to her father consisting of a Paul McCartney Carpool Karaoke segment with the message “Check this out!” “My dad’s thousands of miles away, and the only thing keeping us in contact is the promise of another Paul McCartney interview that neither of us have seen.” At press time, Billy Joel interviews were also an acceptable form of communication..

Report: Fuck, Professor Put Question Mark In Margin Of Paper |

Stopping in their tracks as their eyes were drawn to a small note on the side of their midterm, senior Kat McDrummer reported that, fuck, their professor put a question mark in the margin. “Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck,” McDrummer reported after noticing the simple “?” next to an argument about the relation of the assigned novel to Laura Mulvey’s theory of the male gaze.

Same Balding Sophomore Cast As Adult In Every Campus Theatre Production |

According to sources, balding sophomore Drake Farber is cast as the trademark adult in every single theatre production on campus. “There’s something about him that just reads as ‘adult’,” said student director Maria McKright ’21.5. “He played the headmaster in Spring Awakening, the dad in Next to Normal, and the principal in The 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee.

Shitty Pre-Med Friend Can't Even Diagnose Why Your Arm Hurts |

In an appalling display of ignorance, shitty pre-med student Matteo Lopez ’25 admitted he has no idea why his friend Lola Oladapo’s arm hurts. “The whole thing was very unprofessional,” Oladapo explained, rubbing her left arm in discomfort.

Student Has No Idea This Winter Break To Be Last Time He Sees His Dog Alive |

Unbeknownst to him, this winter break will reportedly be the last time Elias Berman ‘23 sees his beloved golden retriever before the dog passes away. “Oliver is my best friend in the whole world. I have no idea what I’d do without him,” Berman exclaimed, not realizing he better figure that out really soon.

Student Paying 70k A Year To Double Concentrate In Books And Movies |

Willfully handing over a large fraction of her parents’ income to study Modern Culture & Media and English, junior Maya Brennan is reportedly paying 70k a year to double concentrate in books and movies. “A Brown education is totally worth the price tag,” said Brennan, whose two concentrations teach her about the nuances of both books and movies.

Students In Glass Room At The Rock Under Impression No One Can Hear Their Fucked-Up Little Psychodrama |

Sources on the first floor of the Rockefeller Library confirmed that two students in one of the definitively-not-soundproof glass rooms are under the impression that no one can hear their fucked-up little psychodrama. “It’s like Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf in there,” said Mary Lane, a sophomore who was just trying to study for her organic chemistry exam.

Theatre Friend Making Fun Of Nonsense Play Like They Not In Separate Nonsense Play |

After attending Production Workshop’s experimental student-written play, “Moons, Roots, Poison,” friends of senior TAPS concentrator Martha Trubbly reported that she was making fun of the nonsense play like she isn’t starring in a separate nonsense play next week.

VDub Spoils Students With Taco Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Monday |

Brown Dining Services announced yesterday that the Verney-Woolley dining hall will be changing its schedule, treating students to Taco Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, and Monday. “We thought that students would love for us to change it up a little,” said Paul Bauer, a staff member at the VDub.

Visiting B-List Celebrity Hunted Down And Paraded On Instagram Like Ten-Point Buck |

Expecting to take a relaxing stroll through campus, a visiting B-List celebrity was instead hunted down and paraded on Instagram like a prize ten-point buck. “I was just looking forward to having a nice normal afternoon with my daughter,” said Dancing with the Stars personality Derek Hough, his eyes darting around nervously as a group of students closed in on him like a team of big game hunters.

Campus Life