The Brown Noser

Campus Life

Paxson Agrees To Listen To Students With Complaints So Long As They Stand On This Giant Trap Door |

University President Christina Paxson recently announced that she is totally open to hearing students with complaints, so long as they stand on this giant trap door. “Come right on in!” Paxson said, grinning next to a giant lever. “I’m wholeheartedly devoted to ensuring students feel seen, heard, and listened to, and I think the best place for them to do that is right on this big red X—yes, just right there, now hold still.” “I want these students to know that the University has long-established mechanisms to formally make suggestions and complaints,” Paxson added, clasping the lever for the long-established mechanism that sends those pesky students down to the chasm of doom.

24 Hour Play Probably Would Have Benefitted From Another Day Or Two |

In a tragic turn out of the Perelman Arts District this past weekend, it was obvious that the 24 hour play really might have been better with another day or two of prep time. “They clearly thought they were doing something really subversive and interesting,” one disgruntled play viewer George Walker told reporters as actors in the play forgot their lines, “but none of the punchlines made any sense.

Frat Rush Involves Silly Icebreaker, Homoerotically Murdering Moose |

Recent reports reveal that Sigma Theta Delta’s rush process involves fun activities such as a silly icebreaker game, recording an embarrassing video, and homoerotically murdering a moose. “It really caught me off guard. In the first round, they just gathered us in an auditorium and asked us to introduce ourselves in a unique way,” explained Byron Jameson ‘27, a prospective member of Sigma Theta Delta.

Destitute Brown Concert Agency Reminds Students That The Music Is All Around Us, All You Have To Do Is Listen |

Still reeling from the backlash of the single-day spring weekend, the Brown Concert Agency, in a recent Instagram post, implored students to remember that the music is all around us, all we have to do is listen. “In the quiet moments of introspection, we realize that music is not just an art form but the very essence of being, swirling around us in an invisible ballet, inviting us to close our eyes and listen to the harmony of the spheres,” posited Davidson as he sat on the Main Green and listened for birds.

Brown Administration To Address Community In Conflict By Adding Conflict In Community |

In response to the campus community finding itself in conflict, Brown’s administrators plan to increase the conflict in the community. “After seeing the heartbreaking effects of our exceptional community finding itself in a situation with so much conflict, we knew we had to act fast,” declared President Christina Paxson, launching propaganda campaigns demonizing different student activism groups.

Man Attempting To Take Off Sweatshirt In Class Somehow Becomes Completely Nude |

According to a recent report, a local student unintentionally became naked in the process of taking off a sweatshirt. “It was incredibly perplexing,” fellow student Katherine Steward recounted as the man stripped down, standing there as naked as the day he was born.

English Class Professor Really Encouraging You To Compare Heartbreaking Story About Your Grandma To That Tree Stump Over There |

In a recent interaction with your English professor, he really encouraged you to compare the heartbreaking story about your grandma’s battle with a terminal illness to that tree stump over there. “You need to reach within and use the astonishing beauty of nature as a metaphor for the tragedies in our calamitous lives,” said professor Rudolph Lester, getting emotional over how similar your dog’s passing was to the spilled drink on the sidewalk.

Ivy Film Festival Finally Recognized As The Greatest Film Festival About Ivy |

In recent news, the Ivy Film Festival was finally recognized as the most outstanding film festivals about ivy ever. “We are so incredibly honored to receive such a distinguished award,” expressed Ivy Film Festival’s director Anna Bolin, planting ivy seeds around a local diner for her next cinematic venture.

LinkedIn Internship Post Begins With “To Everyone Who Doubted Me” |

500+ of local student Dale Sho’s LinkedIn connections reports his internship announcement post began with “to everyone who doubted me.” “To everyone who doubted me, I am incredibly excited to announce I will be a member of Boeing’s 86th annual summer internship cohort,” wrote Sho, tagging the names of everyone he believes doubted him.

Professor Who Needs You To Get a Dean's Note Would Honestly Rather See You Die Than Help You Out |

While attempting to receive an excused absence for Friday’s class, sources reported that Professor Josh Hamilton — who requires a dean’s note — would honestly rather see you die than help you out. “Unfortunately, you’ll need a dean’s note to have an excused absence in my class, “ said Hamilton, grinning while watching your body slowly corrode from illness.

Giant Penis Made Of Snow Suggests Existence Of Giant Aroused Snowman Buried Underneath Main Green |

Archaeological reports from the Main Green indicate that the massive penis made of snow could, in fact, suggest the existence of an even more massive, aroused snowman buried underneath the ground. “We could be looking at something far, far bigger here,” said David Lippitt, professor of Archaeology, gesturing at the eight-foot tall phallus looming in front of Sayles Hall.

Guy With Painted Designs On Jeans Definitely Gonna Play Original Songs During Sex |

According to sources, that guy Eddie Wilde with those artsy designs painted on his jeans is definitely only going to play original songs during sex. “I made a little playlist for us to listen to tonight, and features a bunch of songs that I wrote and recorded myself,” Wilde told his hookup, as she looked around his room to see several posters of Wilde playing guitar while wearing his jeans with painted designs on them.

Brown’s Unstoppable Force Club Calls Truce With Center For Immovable Objects |

According to reports from the Student Activity Office, the long standing feud between Brown’s Unstoppable Force Club and The Center For Immovable Objects has finally come to an end. “We’re just happy we have peace,” said spokesperson for the BUFC Jordan Jones, as she barreled through obstacles not even modern construction equipment could break through.

Guy Wearing Shorts About To Give You The Worst Advice You’ve Ever Heard |

Reports indicate that that guy wearing shorts is about to give you some of the worst advice you’ve ever heard. “Legally, you can skip as much class as you want. They’re not allowed to do anything about it because technically we’re students, not employees,” said sophomore James Eavert, who most likely only chose to wear shorts because his brain is so small.

Polyamorous Soft Launch Just Group Photo |

Reports indicate that a recent soft launch from a polycule was just a group photo. “We wanted to be subtle, but still get the message across to everyone, specifically all nineteen of my exes,” said Amanda Robertson, who is pictured with her arms around two others to indicate perceptible but ambiguous levels of intimacy.

MCM Student Can’t Decide Which Pseudoscientist To Cite In Paper |

Modern Culture and Media concentrator Sarah Lewins has been scouring the internet in search of the least reputable scientist to reference in their final paper. “This is a tough choice, because these people all did a roughly equal amount of cocaine,” said Lewins, furiously typing the names of notoriously illegitimate scientists into ZoteroBib.

Report: Hangout Dorm Is The Stinky One |

According to a report, the dorm that your friend group is going to hang out in is the stinky one. “All of the rooms have different personalities, but this one’s personality is just that it is very smelly,” said Jenny Swanson, owner of a much fresher, cleaner-smelling room that the group does not hang out in.

UCS Announces Bold Plan To Add Single Chair In Faunce |

Yesterday, the Brown Undergraduate Council of Students unveiled a groundbreaking and long awaited new plan to add one chair to the Stephen Robert ‘62 Campus Center. “This is a historic moment for the campus. The plan marks a renewed commitment on behalf of student government to facilitate sitting at Brown.

New Study Confirms Only Thing Constant In Every Universe Dean Zia Double Concentrating In Engineering, English |

A new report from experts at Brown have confirmed that the only thing constant across the multiverse is Dean of The College Rashid Zia double concentrating in Engineering and English. “We’ve recently discovered that even the laws of physics do not apply equally to all universes, but Dean Zia embodies the spirit of the Open Curriculum in all dimensions,” said Astrophysicist Samson Clark, taking note of the billions of Dean Zias, using billions of different dialects, to communicate the Brunonian mindset grounded in independent, innovative leaders.

Shirtless George Washington Bust In Hay Watching Over Generations Of Brown Students Like A Sexy Elf On The Shelf |

A stoic yet seductive bust of naked George Washington has been surveilling Brown students for the past 100 years like a sexy judgemental elf on the shelf. “I always feel an uneasy feeling like someone is watching me whenever I study in the Hay,” said student Miranda Stevens, unaware that this feeling is not actually paranoia because the arousing depiction of George Washington has been judging Stevens on her true American values.

Sole Regular Survey Participant Now Owner of 17 JBL Flip Speakers |

Sources report that the only regular participant in Brown Dining Services’ online surveys now owns 17 JBL Flip Speakers. “I don’t mean to be unappreciative. When I won my first speaker, I was actually really happy. They’re loud, waterproof, and portable.

Brown Opinion Project Wants To Know How You Would Rank The Number Three On A Scale Of One To Ten |

According to their latest poll, Brown Opinion Project wants to know how you would rank the number three on a scale of one to ten. “Fill out your name, grade, gender, and political leanings so we can accurately map the demographic opinions of the number three on a scale of one to ten,” stated Brown Opinion Project reporter Kennedy Huff to a crowd of passersby on the Main Green who had never considered how they would rank one number versus another.

Report: Whiteboard On Dorm Room Door Incredibly Lewd |

According to a recent report by industry-leading experts, the whiteboard on your neighbor’s dorm room door is incredibly lewd. “It’s pretty unclear what that figure is, but I think I have a sneaking suspicion that it might be a bit dirty,” the report disclosed, adding that a vagina wearing a top hat should not be taken too seriously.

Brown Consulting Club Perfect Opportunity For Students About To Waste Their Career To Also Waste Their College Experience |

Sources within the Brown Consulting Club report that it is the perfect opportunity for students about to waste their career to also waste their college experience. “My goal is to be a consultant and spend my early 20s working 70 hour weeks,” said Philip Leiman, about to also choose to do that during college where he receives literally no compensation.

Brown Market Shares To Offer Freshly Baked Bread, Eight Pounds Of Mustard Greens |

Next month, Brown Market Shares will offer students freshly-baked loaves of warm, mouthwatering bread, and also eight pounds of mustard greens. “I’m so glad we get to support local farmers through Market Shares,” said Market Shares volunteer Jenny Gold, organizing several jars of homemade jam next to massive piles of wilting Swiss chard that students would just have to figure out how to use.

No Way To Adjust Tank Top Without Feeling Like The Village’s Most Insatiable Harlot |

In a disappointing turn of events out of the main green this past weekend, Jennifer Morgan realized that there was no way to adjust her tank top without feeling like the most insatiable harlot in the whole village. “I thought I just needed to fix a strap, but as soon as I reached for it, I felt judgment from the whole village,” Morgan reported, glancing around the main green as she provocatively readjusted her boob, “it was like they could see something dark and monstrous in me.” “I immediately felt myself possessed with some energy I couldn’t define when I went to fix my tank top,” Morgan continued as she attempted in vain to keep her boobs trapped in their tank top prison, “it was like I was calling out to everybody with a siren song, begging them to look my way.” Morgan concluded, despite the fact that nobody had looked her way or even noticed that she was adjusting her clothing.

CCB Candidate Receives Pivotal Endorsement From Roommate |

Sources at Brown University verified that Carl Jameson, candidate for President of the 2025 Class Coordinating Board, recently received a game-changing endorsement from his roommate. “Huh? Oh yeah, Carl’s cool,” declared roommate Rafe Conroy in line at the Ratty, announcing his unmitigated support for Jameson’s agenda and his future political aspirations.

DJ To Create Dope Transition From Middle Of Song You Liked To Worst Song You’ve Ever Heard |

At a campus dance yesterday evening, it was reported that a DJ created a sick transition from one of your favorite songs to the worst song you’ve ever heard. “When they started playing my song request, I got so excited. A lot of people got up and ran to the dance floor, too,” said Dan Waldorf, praising the DJ who was too busy switching it up with a quirky record scratch to notice the crowd’s response.