The Brown Noser

Threshold For Wilderness Explorer To Suggest Drinking Own Urine Suspiciously Low |

Sources report that the magnitude of crisis required for reputed outdoorsman Todd Grimes to suggest consuming his own urine is suspiciously low. “There was really no need at all,” complained fellow explorer Ridge Carson, recounting an incident where Grimes suggested urine consumption barely an hour into a leisurely trail walk.

Man Traumatized From Tragic Ink Factory Accident Not Benefiting Psychologically From Rorschach Test |

Local man who was involved in the tragic ink factory accident several months ago is reportedly not benefitting even a little bit from his therapist’s use of the Rorschach test. “The Rorschach Test was invented as a psychological tool which can then be used to analyze emotional wellbeing,” said licensed therapist Dr.

Studies Show That Every Time We Touch I Get This Feeling And Every Time We Kiss I Swear I Could Fly |

In a shocking study released by Gallup early this week, it was revealed that everytime we touch I get this feeling, and additionally, every time we kiss I swear I could fly. This study has led to other surprising and exciting revelations: indeed, it has been long-theorized that I still hear your voice when you sleep next to me, but never before have we had confirmation that I still feel your touch in my dreams.

Report: This Part Of Floor So Squeaky |

Sources report that this part of the floor is actually so squeaky. “I was kinda just walking around my room, and as soon as I stepped right here I heard a huge squeak,” uttered senior Marvin Johnson, who just discovered that this other part of the floor right there is just as squeaky.

Girl Named Emma Who Visited Paris Seriously Debating Whether “Emily In Paris” Insta Caption Still Applies To Her |

Girl named Emma who visited Paris this summer seriously debating whether “Emily In Paris” caption would still apply to her Instagram photo dump. “When you think about it, Emma is basically just a shortened version of Emily” professed sophomore Emma Hill, intently scrolling through 117 nearly identical photos of her posed in front of the Eiffel Tower to determine which to post.

Socially Awkward Horse Would Be So Beautiful After Braces And Haircut |

In a recent report from the local Briarwood Stables, that socially awkward horse would be gorgeous if she just got braces and a haircut. “Sandra doesn’t fit in very well with the other horses, unfortunately,” said stablehand Rachel Crow, watching Sandra stand awkwardly in the corner of the pasture, tangled mane covering her face.

Dog Owner Really Wants You to Believe She Gave Birth To It |

Recent reports from a dog birthday party indicate that Providence dog owner Shelly Waxburg desperately wants you to believe that she herself gave birth to her dog. “Isn’t my Martha such a sweet little girl? I’ll forever remember the day she was born, oh it was the happiest day of my life,” gushed Waxburg, beaming at her bulldog who she actually got from a puppy mill.

Aunt Gonna Be So Crazy And Garnish Mac And Cheese With Crumbled Potato Chips |

Breaking news from this weekend’s family picnic revealed that Aunt Brenda was gonna be a little wild and cover her mac and cheese with crumbled potato chips. “It’s the big family barbeque, so I thought I’d do something crazy this time. So I’ve covered my mac and cheese with… you’ll never guess… potato chips!” shared Aunt Brenda, while sneakily adding another sprinkle of crushed-up chips to the casserole dish.

Passengers On Lost Malaysia Flight Found Alive In Turkey With Surprisingly Defined Hairlines |

Passengers on the lost Malaysia flight 370 were found alive in Turkey with surprisingly defined hairlines. “Thank God they’re back,” said Amy Pollack, the wife of an American passenger, surprisingly not referring to her husband’s hair follicles.

Lil’ Debbie No Competition For Big Deborah |

In a head-to-head matchup, it is almost certain that Lil’ Debbie would not even hold a candle to the prowess of Big Deborah. “I’m so fucking scared,” said Lil’ Debbie’s agent Mario Balhaus, biting his nails and pacing about his office, sweat pouring down his sideburns.

Weird Little Girl’s Favorite Food Probably Olives |

It is highly probable that local weird girl Callie McDermott’s favorite food is olives, according to the teachers and counselors at Greenwood Elementary. “For our What Did We Do Over The Summer presentation, Callie brought in a full-scale lego model of the human gastrointestinal system.

Webkinz Dies Slowly Of Starvation In Tragic Neglect Case |

Webkinz user FairyFriends6 was arrested this week at her home next to the W-Shop, after being found guilty of felony child neglect and first-degree murder of her digital pet rabbit, Snowball. “We did all we could for Snowball the rabbit, but by the time they rushed him into the clinic it was too late,” said resident physician Dr.

Person Sinking Into Quicksand Not Sinking Fast Enough To Warrant Emergency |

Area man Quinn Buckley is sinking in quicksand, but at a rate which is far too slow to be of particular concern for bystanders. “Ahh! Yikes! Oh, jeez! Someone please get a long pole and a rope to pull me out!” exclaimed Buckley during the event, while onlookers passed by with a great amount of indifference to his slow descent.

Chihuahua Way Too Puntable To Be Talking All This Shit |

Reports indicate that a little chihuahua is way too puntable to be talking all this shit. “The yappy little bastard seems to have absolutely no conception of the distances he could be launched,” said area man Ken Anderson. “I mean, this little shit keeps barking and barking as if one swift kick couldn’t put him into low orbit.” “This puny pseudo-dog is utterly ignorant of the fact that with little more than a swing of my leg, I could send him to touch the face of God,” added Anderson.

Anteater Actually Has Other Hobbies, You Know |

An anteater has recently made clear that he does in fact have other hobbies that do not include eating ants. “You know, it’s really frustrating to be typecast,” said the anteater, slurping up a line of ants. “How come frogs, pandas, and ponies all get off the hook, and meanwhile I’m forced into this narrow classification.

Report: It Kind Of Fucked Up That All The Chipmunks Only Wanted To Date A Chippette Who Looked Exactly Like Them But With A Ponytail |

A new report from Hollywood indicated that it was pretty fucked up how all three chipmunk brothers only wanted to date female chipmunks that looked like them but with a ponytail or two. “When I heard that the boys got girlfriends, I was excited for them,” said the chipmunks’ caretaker Dave Seville, “but then when I saw Brittany, Jeanette and Eleanor, I was taken aback by how much they looked like the boys, except I guess, with a ponytail.” “It’s pretty weird seeing the six of them together,” Seville continued, comparing photos of Alvin and Brittany to try to spot any minute differences in their faces, “they look like three sets of twins, or like six siblings maybe.

Feudal England Barbie Comes With Butter Churner And Stillborn Child |

Mattel recently made waves by announcing that their newest Barbie, Feudal England Barbie, would come equipped with her own butter churner and stillborn child. “Barbie has historically been defined as the undefinable: she is a doctor, a vet, a model, an astronaut! Continuing her defiance of tradition, now she finds herself stuck in feudal England, equipped with only a churner and her infant, tragically born too soon,” announced Mattel CEO Ynon Kreiz as he displayed the haggard looking doll, clothed in rags and smudged with dirt.

Report: Birth Control From Temu Making Me Feel Crazy |

In a terrifying report from Providence today, the birth control I purchased from Temu is doing some insane stuff to my mind and body. “You are not dying,” I said to myself in the mirror today, but it was to no avail: my legs had stopped bending and my ears were wayyyy bigger than usual.

Guy Whose Job Is To Eat Cinderblocks Kinda Questioning His Purpose |

Local guy, Arnie Bolo, an employee of 18 years at the old cinderblock-eating factory, is starting to question his purpose. “Every day, it’s the same routine: I get up, I get dressed, and I spend between 8 and 10 hours chewing through cinderblocks,” said Bolo, as a conveyor belt of cinderblocks slowly rolled past like the years passing him by.

Report: German Shepherd With Bazooka Probably Shouldn't Have That Bazooka |

Sources confirmed that Oscar, the local german shepherd known for holstering a bazooka in his eager maw, probably shouldn’t have that bazooka. “In my experience, dogs and military-grade armaments are rarely a good mix,” said dog walker Blake Martin, as Oscar fired off an armor-penetrating shell from his bazooka that would surely reduce any nearby squirrel into a fine red mist.

Report: Fish Would Be Much Sexier If It Had Long Human Legs And Maybe Boobs? |

Marine biologists reported that this barracuda they saw would be much sexier if it had a long pair of human legs, and also possibly boobs. “One cannot overstate the heightened attractiveness of a fish that comes with a sleek, sophisticated set of human legs.

Custom License Plate Incomprehensible |

Local sources have reported a car driving around Providence with an incomprehensible vanity plate. “I’m really not sure what it’s trying to say,” reported eyewitness Moses Liddle, trying to decipher what TO0P1E could possibly mean. “Is he trying to say toupee? Too Pie? Who would spend money on this?” At press time, the owner of a car without a license plate has been determined to be either a victim of a crime or sovereign citizen.

Family Relieved to Hear Grandpa Forgot Grandpa’s Birthday Too |

A local family is reportedly relieved to hear that Grandpa forgot Grandpa’s birthday too. “Thank God, that was a close one,” said Wendy Morgan, watching her newly 81-year-old father go about his day as usual. “My dad’s usually not one to forget, and we aren’t either! Well, mostly.

Wizard’s Most Talented Apprentice Totally Gonna Turn Evil |

Early reports show that the local wizard’s most promising apprentice is definitely going to turn evil. “He’s a classic: too much talent and not enough patience,” said Tim, the wizard’s other, less talented apprentice. “No way is Arathon, The Prodigy of the North going to be content with the simple charms and wards we’re being taught.

Baby Definitely Going To Go By Middle Name In A Few Years |

Experts predict that a local baby is definitely going to go by his middle name in a few years. “Well, it was my grandfather’s name you see. And his father’s name before him,” explained Leigh-Anne Todd, while changing the diaper of her son Bugshit Owen Todd.

Zimbabwean Man Who Feels Like A Million Dollars Quite Unwell |

Doctors at St Anne’s Hospital reported that Zimbabwean Wesley Bennet, who claims he feels “like a million dollars,” is actually quite unwell. “His family seems hopeful after hearing the news, but I really don’t think they’re accounting for inflation.

Coast Guard Reports Coast Has Still Not Done Anything Out Of The Ordinary |

The U.S. Coast Guard was pleased to report that the coast has been exhibiting its usual behavior. “We’ve been monitoring the coast vigilantly since 1915,” boasted Lieutenant Jared Sweeney, rapidly glancing between monitors displaying boogie boarding conditions from all over the country.

Report: Get A Load Of This Guy! |

A newly-released report recommends that you get a load of this guy. “Our findings suggest that it would be in the public’s best interest to check out what this goober is doing,” the report read, noting that this particular individual was fooling around beyond acceptable parameters.

Nation’s 6-Year-Olds To Insist On Taking This Rock Home From Vacation |

According to a recent survey, the nation’s six-year olds are announcing plans to insist on taking this rock home from vacation. “This one is a very special rock,” reported Calvin Sotwin, area 6-year old, picking up a rock identical to every other rock on the beach.

Festering Bag Of Puke In Car Really Enjoying Family Road Trip |

According to one of the Sullivan children, the festering bag of puke in the car is really enjoying this family road trip. “Well, the views have been exceptional so far this trip,” said Sullivan, as the vomit bag sloshed in the corner after the van crossed a speed bump.

Report: Mother Didn't Want Me To Eat The Berries, But Mother Isn't Here Anymore! |

In an exciting report from the bog this past week, mother instructed me to stay away from the berries, but mother isn’t here anymore! “Do not eat the berries!” Mother exclaimed before I left home, rucksack over me shoulder, cap askew upon me little head, “The berries are poison! The berries are trickery!” “Berries are for bad little boys, boys who never listen to mother,” she continued, unaware that I would be eating delicious berries in a day’s time, “and only bad things come to boys who disobey mother.” At press time, papa saw my berry stained hands and threw me down the well as punishment..

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