The Brown Noser

Pet Rock Put Down |

After a long life as a beloved member of the family and an unfortunate accident which resulted in the loss of a googly-eye, Pierre the pet rock is being put down. “We’ve had a good run, buddy, but it’s time for us to go our separate ways,” said Pierre’s owner, Jimmy Pickens, as he tearfully loaded his beloved pet into his cardboard carrier one last time.

Bandana Girl Wistful Again |

Sources report that local bandana girl Olivia Hughes is being wistful again. “It just seems like the world is at a stand still, but maybe that’s okay,” said Hughes, with her hair tied back in an earth toned bandana. “Another year, another beautiful moment in time lost forever.” “It’s interesting to think about life as a cycle when fruit flies live such a short time,” Hughes said while fastening a rainbow hand-crocheted bandana to her head.

Village Celebrates Tall Man |

According to reports from a nearby village, celebrations have begun for the arrival of a tall man. “We’d never seen anyone that tall,” said Mayor Mary Daboole. “He deserves the world, really. With a body like that, a parade is the least we could do.

Air Fryer Clearly Not Up To Task Of Cooking Coq Au Vin For Family Of Four |

Reports from local mother Cecily Latham suggest her new air fryer is clearly not up to the task of cooking a coq au vin for her family of four. “I thought by using my air fryer to cook meals for my family, I could reduce my time spent in the kitchen,” Latham explained, desperately trying to force four servings worth of chicken into the air fryer’s flimsy, six-inch plastic basket.

Close, But No Cigar, Says Man Just Given Cigarette |

Sources report that the statement “close, but no cigar,” was uttered by a man who was just given a cigarette. “I understand that some individuals might find them to be similar, or even the same,” said Harold Browinger, thinking about how if this was given to him in celebration of a baby’s birth, the parents must be celebrating either the birth of a rat or an extremely premature human.

Eight-Year-Old Boy With Lollipop Valentines Gonna Get Way More Dates Than Nemesis With Sticker Valentines |

Local eight-year-old Henry Clemmens’s lollipop valentines are going to get him way more dates than his nemesis’s sticker valentines this year. “Last year I brought in 3D valentines and Benji brought in glow-stick valentines. No one even cared that I specifically picked each card with the 3D Paw Patrol character that matched their personality,” said Clemmens, licking this year’s envelopes shut with envious fury.

Girl With Peanut Allergy Really Fucking Up Birthday Party |

Blissfully jumping on a backyard bouncy house, local eight-year-old Katie Murphy is unaware of how much her peanut allergy is really fucking up this birthday party. “It’s like she doesn’t give a shit about the rest of us,” said party attendee Emily Pradin, watching Murphy open a box of apple juice.

Irish Comedy Saddest Thing Person’s Ever Seen |

According to movie goers morosely stumbling out of the theater, the Irish “comedy” they just watched was the saddest thing they’ve ever seen. “I knew it was going to be bad when Patrick’s only friend was his 90-year-old grandmother,” commented Carol Schuth, wiping away tears and regretting going to a film advertised as “Family Fun, and a Raucous Good Time.” “And with the mine shut down, there was no way Patrick could have afforded her medicine.” “The scene with the family cow just killed me.

Landlord Generously Offers Tenant Learning Opportunity to Fix Own Toilet |

Sources report that area landlord Harold Pottsman has kindly offered his tenants the educational experience of repairing their own toilet. “A wise man once said, necessity is the mother of invention,” mused Pottsman, eager to share the pedagogical motivations behind his decision to not pay for an actual plumber.

Man Chewing Salad Like He Prize Heifer Grazing in Pasture |

Sources report that area man Freddy Bunch is working his way through a large kale salad like a prize heifer grazing in a grassy meadow. “I’ve been eating this salad for almost an hour now,” noted Bunch, grinding the fibrous leaves between his teeth and vacantly staring into the distance like a cow methodically chewing its cud.

Mom Carefully Selecting Blurry Double-Chinned Photo of You for Facebook Post |

Sources report that your mom is thoughtfully selecting a blurry, double-chinned photo of you for an upcoming Facebook post. “So proud of this one as she heads off to her semester abroad!” wrote your mom, cropping the photo so that your double chin was even more central to the image.

NASCAR to Investigate Newly Erected Banana Peel Factory Next to Racetrack |

Sources close to NASCAR have announced they will be closely investigating the recently constructed Banana Peel Factory placed conspicuously close to their racetrack. “When we caught wind of all this, we were far from surprised,” said Grace Frostin, Commissioner of NASCAR.

Old Cathedral Probably Gonna Look Like Other Old Cathedral |

Sources report that this old cathedral is probably gonna look like that other old cathedral. “There’s definitely gonna be a bunch of creepily colorful sculptures of Jesus on the cross,” said tourist Margaret Highland, standing in front of a beautiful, massive structure that looks almost exactly like the beautiful, massive structure she saw yesterday.

Old West Doctor Doesn’t Have Degree, Does Have Top Hat |

Sources in the Old West report that while their town doctor doesn’t have a medical degree, he does have a top hat. “Doc Grumbin is truly the best practitioner of the medical arts our town has ever seen,” stated Mayor Brody, who was elected mayor based on his credentials of owning a striped vest and pocket watch.

Shitty Old Hamburger No Match For Hydraulic Press |

Sources report that some dumb old hamburger did a terrible job of taking on that full sized hydraulic press. “Yeah it really could’ve gone either way,” said Hydraulics expert Fred Paper. “We usually use this machinery to fold and shape heavy metals, but when we set that old hamburger out on the platform we really had no idea what was gonna happen.

Snapchat Plug Trying To Be Motivational On Story |

Area man Craig Anderson reported that his Snapchat plug itsdrew421 has recently been posting motivational content on his story. “His job is just to sell me weed and occasionally shrooms, but he’s started posting motivational quotes about success and ‘the grind,’” Anderson said as he held up itsdrew421’s current story, which featured multiple videos of plastic bags full of weed.

Toddler Crossing Street Really Milking Walk Sign |

Sources report that a toddler crossing the street is dangerously milking this walk sign. “Cross, cross!” exclaimed toddler Noah Hernandez, his steps so miniscule that the walk sign countdown will most definitely reach zero before he makes it across even half the street.

Woman Following Geriatric Dog On Instagram Living In Constant Fear Of Inevitable |

Since following Yodel the aging French bulldog, local woman Renee Scott has been living in constant fear of the inevitable. “Checking Yodel’s page is the highlight of my day, but I know that eventually, his owner will post news that will absolutely ruin my day,” said Scott as she scrolled through Yodel’s Instagram feed.

Worker Bee Actually Rugged Individualist |

Sources report that unconventional worker bee Gregory Buzzer is a rugged individualist. “I can’t stand all the ‘hive’ bullshit,” Buzzer said, perched next to his cabinet of canned food preserved for himself and himself alone. “Anyone who actually depends on these bureaucratic idiots for their bread and butter must be out of their mind.” “No one ever became a CEO by sitting on their ass and following orders,” added Buzzer, brainstorming ways to evade his royal jelly taxes this year.

Dad Analyzing Doorbell Camera Footage Like It Latest Scorsese |

Reclined on the living room couch with iPhone in hand, local father Bill Nicholson is analyzing camera footage from his Ring Doorbell like it’s Martin Scorcese’s latest cinematic masterpiece. “The characterization in this scene is truly incredible,” said Nicholson, slowing down the video to watch a small raccoon approach the front door as if it was a carefully choreographed long take from a Scorsese film.

Fortune Teller Predicts Man Will Be Scammed in His Present |

Displaying great prophetic and extra sensory insight into the spiritual realm, local fortune teller Magdalena The Mystic predicted that her customer will be scammed in his present. “Hmmmmm I see….hmmmm…I sEE….you, in a blue shirt,” exclaimed Magdalena the Mystic, holding the hand of the blue-shirted man and scrutinizing his divine palm lines.

Girl Named After City Definitely Conceived There |

According to multiple sources, sophomore Omaha Miller was definitely named after Omaha, Nebraska because she was conceived there. “Omaha? Oh yeah, her parents definitely got it on in Nebraska,” reported classmate Julia Smith, deciding that the only reason a child would be named after Warren Buffett’s hometown is because her mother was impregnated there.

White House Staff Races to Buy Go-To Presidents Day Gift of Denture Glue and Vicodin |

On February 19, just one day before Presidents Day, it was reported that White House staff raced to buy their go-to Presidents Day gift of denture glue and Vicodin. “Presidents Day always sneaks up on us,” said Chief of Staff Ron Klain, frantically grabbing his keys and wallet and rushing out the door.

Stepmother Actually Just Really Nice Lady |

Slipping an extra Oreo into her stepdaughter’s lunchbox, it recently became clear that local stepmother Anya McNeal is just a regular nice lady. “I expected her to be wicked and make me live in the attic,” said Carolyn Nelph, McNeal’s stepdaughter.

Popular TikTok Song Used to Be Vietnam Protest Anthem |

Sources report that popular TikTok song “A Meadow Full of Daisies” used to be a Vietnam protest anthem. “I mostly know it as background music for videos about how to use contact paper to waterproof your shoes,” said Max Wang of the song, not realizing that it became famous when Vietnam War protestors would join hands and sing it at demonstrations.

Report: Huh, High School Friend Just Got Real Estate License |

Hometown sources report that huh, high school friend Jake Merritt just got his real estate license. “It’s just such an adult step,” said hometown source Will Reiser, stupefied by Merritt’s recent career move. “He just has a whole, like, life now.” “He’s setting himself up financially, but it’s wild that he’s just out there selling houses to people,” Reiser said, bewildered by the fact that his contemporary has a whole ass career.

Report: Wow, Pillow Very Yellow |

According to a recent report, dorm resident Patrick Hamlin said ‘wow’ after discovering that his pillow is very yellow. “I was washing my sheets for the first time this school year, and I took off the pillow case and just thought, ‘wow,’” Hamlin said as he admired the bruised-banana tones of the once cloud-white pillowcase.

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