The Brown Noser

Off Campus

Entire Friend Group And Also Caroline Can’t Wait To Live Together Next Year | Sep 26 2025

After signing a lease and putting down the security deposit on the ‘Sun House,’ an entire friend group — and Caroline too — express their excitement about finally being able to live all together. “It is so exciting! We are still deciding roommates, but, honestly, I almost don’t care who I room with!” housemate Sarah states, who feels entirely relieved ever since Caroline agreed to sleep on the couch in the living room as per condition of her cohabitation.

Glum Fellow Seen Trudging | Sep 26 2025

In a dismal yet stereotypical display this past Tuesday, a glum fellow was seen trudging down the street. “I drag my feet, I’m constantly grumbling, and I’m pretty much always crying a little bit. Why? My life is so fucking sad,” said the glum fellow, later identified as local Auntie Anne’s regional manager Craig Marshall.

Report: Harmony Of Strangers Peeing In Public Bathroom Rings Like Angel Bells Of Heaven | Sep 26 2025

Strangers pissing in the bathroom at the same time results in a divine sound due to the synching of their pee streams. “I was just going to the bathroom, and someone else happened to be in there. I didn’t think anything about it at first,” tells Jennifer Grayson, who is unaware that her bladder timing was preordained by a great power in creating sacred noise so beautiful, it seems impossible to be heard by mortal ears.

Dick Measuring Contest Starting To Get Abstract | Sep 26 2025

Witnesses of a local dick measuring contest stated that the contentious debate has become abstract. “My penis is more just than yours!” exclaimed one competitor, asserting the inherent moral superiority of his flaccid member. “Your cock embodies lawlessness, with no regard for the rules of morality and ethics!” “Your genitals are a slave to order!” retorted the other challenger, thrusting his hips toward his opponent menacingly.

Red Cross Worker Prays for Devastating Earthquake In Vacation Hot Spot | Sep 26 2025

Sources from the Red Cross Headquarters have indicated that at least one worker has been praying for a devastating earthquake in a vacation hotspot. “I’m stressed! I need a break! I think it’s only fair that I can go to someplace with a beach, warm weather, and a resort—ooh a resort, that would be nice—instead of, like, freezing my ass off in Ukraine,” stated disaster response member Tracy Dibbs while circling tropical countries on a map that she wished would get obliterated in a Category 5 hurricane.

Circle Husband Pleads With Circle Wife After Being Caught Mid-Venn Diagram With Circle Mistress | May 02 2025

Reports from the geometry sector say that an extramarital Venn Diagram between Circle A and Circle C was accidentally walked in on by Circle A’s wife, Circle B. “Baby, please, it’s not what it looks like,” begged Circle A as he scrambled to cover his mistress’s nude, uniformly-curved body with the duvet he’d shared with his wife for seven years.

Grieving Dog Humps Owner’s Tombstone | May 02 2025

In a heartbreaking display of love and loss, sources confirmed that Bucky, the local family dog of eight years, was processing the death of his dearly beloved owner by humping his tombstone. “Everyone has a different relationship with grief, and I think it’s beautiful that we work through those stages differently,” said onlooker Gertrude Taft without clarifying which stage of grief might compel Bucky to ravish the owner’s granite tombstone with such ferocity.

Stepmom Healed Of Gluten Allergy After Three Glasses Of Wine Make That Cake Look Real Good | May 02 2025

Local sources claim a stepmom has been healed of her gluten allergy after three glasses of wine made that cake look real good. “I’ll take the eggplant parmesan unbreaded, uncooked, lukewarm, and without any parmesan,” ordered stepmom Patricia Jennings while tracing the rim of her first glass of sauvignon blanc.

Fuck It, Grandpa Saying “Hola” To Chipotle Staff | May 02 2025

Fuck it, Grandpa Joel was seen last Tuesday at Chipotle saying “hola” to the staff. “Hola! ¿Cómo estás?” asked Joel to a wide-eyed Amber Jacobs, a new Chipotle team member from Connecticut. “Soy Joel y soy aqui por comer.” “Tennis queso y… la bonanza,” said Joel as he pointed at the beans and corn.

Man With OCD Devastated By 9/11 Also Admits Second Plane Crash Brought Sense Of Closure | May 02 2025

Haunted by the horror of the September 11 attacks, a local man with obsessive-compulsive disorder revealed that the second plane crash offered him a sense of closure. “What a tragic, tragic event,” said Jacob Moore, referring to both towers being hit but also specifically the first one.