The Brown Noser

Feminist Man Thinks You Should Smile Less | Sep 22 2023

Reports indicate that feminist man Jack Walker thinks you should smile less. “I just think if you smiled less you’d look a lot smarter,” Walker said, adding that women only smile because of sexism. “Believe it or not, you’re more than just your looks.

Zookeeper Reassures Crowd That Giraffes Also Plagued By Debilitating Ennui In The Wild | May 12 2023

Sources report that local zookeeper Aaron Brunt is reassuring a concerned crowd that giraffes also suffer from a severe, debilitating feeling of ennui in the wild. “Don’t worry, a sense of utter hopelessness is business as usual for these tall fellows!” said Brunt cheerily, ensuring that no onlookers connected the dots between the giraffes’ run-down enclosure and their subdued demeanor.

Air Force One Passenger Wondering If President Would Mind If They Took Their Shoes Off | May 12 2023

A current passenger on Air Force One, journalist Ari Gelb, is wondering if the president would mind if he took off his shoes on the plane. “This is a really tough call for me,” stated Gelb as he tentatively reached down to the laces of his dress shoes.

Boy Mom Bought These Reinforced Jeans Because Wow Are These Boys Rambunctious | May 12 2023

Sources report that local boy mom McKenzie Logan just bought these reinforced jeans because golly are these boys rowdy. “These jeans are such a lifesaver for a boy mom like me,” said Logan, showing off the pants’ heavy-duty cargo pockets where she stores juice pouches for the thirsty boys.

Dad Sending Wordle to Daughter Like He Didn’t Abandon Family, Leave Them Destitute | May 12 2023

According to local sources, Dad Brendon Crawford has been sending his Wordle results to his daughter Maria like he didn’t abandon his family and leave them destitute a decade ago. “This one was a tough one, but I pulled it out of the bag,” Crawford texted Maria, neglecting the fact that his abrupt departure from the family unit and his refusal to pay child support had forced her to grow up in poverty.

Governess To Only Speak French To The Children On Tuesdays | May 12 2023

Stepping into the manor’s great hall, sources report that area governess Hilda Brimsworth is to only speak French to the children on Tuesdays. “My good woman, you must impart your knowledge from abroad on the children,” said widowed father Edward Tillings, desperate for the aid of a gentle, yet firm, feminine hand in raising his three young wards.

National Geographic Launching Campaign To Save Only Photogenic Wildlife | May 12 2023

The National Geographic Magazine, famous for their environmental and geographical photography, is proud to announce their newest conservation initiative: saving only the most photogenic wildlife from extinction. “Let’s be honest. People don’t want to see those weird little shits.

Nation’s Private Eyes Announce Plans to Peek Over Newspaper At You | May 12 2023

America’s Private Eyes have just publicly announced their plans to sit and subtly peek over their newspaper at you from afar. “You won’t see us there, but we’ll see you,” whispered private eye Nate Degrasse into the payphone he was using to call you.

Report: Fuck It, Man Gonna Buy Sandwich At Metro Mart | May 12 2023

Running low on time for lunch, junior Ronald Jeefers is swallowing his pride and buying a sandwich from Metro Mart. “I usually come in here to buy a lighter or Snickers bar, but I really need to eat before my section. I’m out of options. It’s either eat this mystery bodega sandwich or starve,” stated Jeefers as he walked past the snacks and the cooler of old fruit to the dark corner of Metro Mart which houses the empty deli case.

Report: Get Out Of Here! | May 12 2023

According to local sources, you need to get the hell out of here! “We’re talking to you! Yeah, you! You better get out of here before we MAKE you get out!” stated an individual who is clearly tired of you sticking around here. “You heard me. You need to put your ass in gear and get your ugly face out of here! Scram! Vamoose! Blow!” At press time, sources reported yeah, and stay out!

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