The Brown Noser

Circle Husband Pleads With Circle Wife After Being Caught Mid-Venn Diagram With Circle Mistress | May 02 2025

Reports from the geometry sector say that an extramarital Venn Diagram between Circle A and Circle C was accidentally walked in on by Circle A’s wife, Circle B. “Baby, please, it’s not what it looks like,” begged Circle A as he scrambled to cover his mistress’s nude, uniformly-curved body with the duvet he’d shared with his wife for seven years.

Grieving Dog Humps Owner’s Tombstone | May 02 2025

In a heartbreaking display of love and loss, sources confirmed that Bucky, the local family dog of eight years, was processing the death of his dearly beloved owner by humping his tombstone. “Everyone has a different relationship with grief, and I think it’s beautiful that we work through those stages differently,” said onlooker Gertrude Taft without clarifying which stage of grief might compel Bucky to ravish the owner’s granite tombstone with such ferocity.

Stepmom Healed Of Gluten Allergy After Three Glasses Of Wine Make That Cake Look Real Good | May 02 2025

Local sources claim a stepmom has been healed of her gluten allergy after three glasses of wine made that cake look real good. “I’ll take the eggplant parmesan unbreaded, uncooked, lukewarm, and without any parmesan,” ordered stepmom Patricia Jennings while tracing the rim of her first glass of sauvignon blanc.

Fuck It, Grandpa Saying “Hola” To Chipotle Staff | May 02 2025

Fuck it, Grandpa Joel was seen last Tuesday at Chipotle saying “hola” to the staff. “Hola! ¿Cómo estás?” asked Joel to a wide-eyed Amber Jacobs, a new Chipotle team member from Connecticut. “Soy Joel y soy aqui por comer.” “Tennis queso y… la bonanza,” said Joel as he pointed at the beans and corn.

Man With OCD Devastated By 9/11 Also Admits Second Plane Crash Brought Sense Of Closure | May 02 2025

Haunted by the horror of the September 11 attacks, a local man with obsessive-compulsive disorder revealed that the second plane crash offered him a sense of closure. “What a tragic, tragic event,” said Jacob Moore, referring to both towers being hit but also specifically the first one.

Guy Who’s Cruisin’ For A Bruisin’ No Match For Guy Who’s Truckin’ For A Fuckin’ | May 02 2025

A local punk who’s cruisin’ for a bruisin’ is reportedly about to be severely outclassed by a man who’s truckin’ for a fuckin’. “Yeah, what are you gonna do about it, loser? That’s right, nothing!” jeered local annoyance Robert Petty, clapping in the face of a man who will be clapping him shortly.

Orange Peels Man Back | May 02 2025

Sources report that in a harrowing incident on Tuesday afternoon, local man Brian Hull was reportedly peeled back by an orange in the produce aisle. “It peeled him in clean spirals,” said a nearby shopper who witnessed the entire event take place.

Orange Yellow | May 02 2025

An orange has been reported to actually be more yellow than orange. “Be a lemon or be nothing,” yelled color theorist Imogen Planck tearfully at the so-called orange. ”I hate you!" At press time, violet blue.

Jesus Pissed Because Ratio At Last Supper Really Dude Heavy | May 02 2025

In a sad scene out of Jerusalem a couple thousand years ago, Jesus was reportedly pissed about the ratio at the Last Supper. “Yeah, Jesus has been in a bad mood all night, there are literally no girls here, and he’s stuck sitting between James son of Zebedee and Simon the Zealot,” said Peter the Apostle as he sent a desperate missive inviting his sister’s friends.

Lazy Stalker Just Walking Around And Hoping | May 02 2025

This past week, several concerned citizens in East Providence filed a police report about a lazy stalker who was found wandering aimlessly in the hopes of finding his target. “Yeah, I mean, I’m obsessed with her, but I couldn’t tell you how to start the actual stalking, so I just started walking around,” said stalker Mort Peterson, who was reported after wandering into every store on Main Street and asking patrons if they’d seen a girl anywhere.

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