The Brown Noser

Husband With Huge Hips Really Ought To Be The One Doing The Birthing |

According to a local wife, her husband with huge hips should really be the one doing the birthing. “Jack’s always doing squats and lunges, but he doesn’t even need it, what’s he doing with those hips?” lamented Erika Birdie, who was two months pregnant with their first child.

Birthday Boy Wishes For His Parents To Die After Not Buying A Fortnite-Themed Cake |

Sources confirm that local 10-year-old Lucas Green has wished death upon both his parents after they failed to buy him a Fortnite-themed birthday cake. “No Battle Bus, no loot llamas, not even one edible pickaxe. Instead, all I got was a stupid Among Us cake with three impostors for some reason,” said Lucas, menacingly gripping a plastic fork in his hand.

PTFE And PFOA-Free Non-Toxic Cast Iron Skillet No Match For Pasta In Teflon Sauce |

Recent studies concluded that while cast iron skillets are free of dangerous chemicals such as PTFE and PFOA, they are no match for pasta in Teflon sauce. “I think we can all agree that cast iron skillets are great. They offer superior heat retention for even cooking, durability, and versatility.

Lesbian Date Manages To Fail Bechdel Test |

Despite Noemmi and Ivy’s affection for each other, recent reports indicate they were fundamentally unable to discuss something other than a man during their first date. “I have no idea what happened. Every single topic we talked about centered a man,” stated Ivy ’27, who feels bewildered that they managed to talk about the barista, their brothers, their male friends, boy bands, landlords, fathers, favorite male professors, Dean Zia, and Robert Kennedy before ever talking about themselves.

Out-Of-Touch Mom Clinging To A Bygone Era Still Doing The Wordle |

Reporters recently uncovered that pathetic mom Dana Williams is still doing the Wordle, perhaps clinging to a bygone era to assuage her fears of death and loss of youth. “Playing the Wordle is one of my favorite things,” said Williams while actively typing “ANVIL” into her daily Wordle.

Baby Clearly Enjoys Being Shaken |

Defying all expectations, a local baby appears to enjoy being shaken. “Honestly, I couldn’t believe my eyes. I wasn’t even trying to make him laugh,” remarked Dave Preston, palming his baby’s head like a basketball. “I was only doing it to vent my frustration onto something small and helpless.

Steakhouse So Mahogany |

Recent reports from the restaurant sector indicate that a local steakhouse is so mahogany. “When that rich shade of brown hits your eyes, you can’t help but know you’ve entered Ron’s Big Steaks,” said Frank Kernel, longtime customer of Ron’s and a self-described “steakiac.” “It’s that particular brown that announces to you, ‘Hey buddy, unfurl your bib and take out those metal things we call utensils.

Grandma Has No Idea Her Skin Is Gonna Make A Fine Sweater |

Sources confirmed that a local grandma remains blissfully unaware that her soft, wrinkled skin is becoming the perfect quality for a sweater. “It’s honestly impressive,” said fiber arts concentrator Lucy Delaney ’27, gently patting Nana Pat’s forearm and testing the elasticity as if it were yarn quality.

Autopsy Reveals Patient Was Not In Fact Dead |

In a recent autopsy report from Providence Morgue, Chief Medical Examiner Atlas Hartley revealed that her patient was, in fact, not dead. “Typically when a victim comes into the morgue, I have to move the body to an operating table, but this time around, the body did that part itself, which was very convenient,” explained Hartley, holding a scalpel, covered in their victim’s blood.

Inverse Pyramid Scheme Really Screwing Over One Guy |

A recent investigative report has revealed that a local inverse pyramid scheme is really screwing over one guy. “I’m actually really happy with this new job, I think I really just needed a career switch,” said hapless victim Jim Lanegan, mentioning how nice it is to have a super unpredictable income dependent on reselling products that he already bought for a mark-up.

British Columbia Actually Neither |

In a startling report out of Geography Monthly this past week, British Columbia was neither British, nor Columbian. “At first we were certain it was both, because duh. But then we realized that kinda wouldn’t make any sense, because Colombia is in South America and Britain is in Europe.

Dyslexic Soup Fan Disappointed At Brothel |

Last Sunday night, local soup lover and life-long dyslexic Jim Jameson was saddened to find the brothel he had just entered utterly devoid of broth. “I’m like four, five bread bowls deep at this point, so I’m pretty far gone, but I remember seeing a sign that said Hot Ladles Ready For Action, and that’s an offer I’ll never refuse,” recounted the cream of mushroom connoisseur, breaking out a jug of chicken stock after misreading a stop sign.

Collapsible Water Bottle Just Poorly Made Regular Water Bottle |

Reports from the local water bottle factory suggest that the collapsible water bottles they produce are actually just poorly-made regular water bottles. “We use really cheap plastic. Like, it’s supposed to hold its shape, but it tends to just fall apart,” explained factory manager Robert Slavink, actively breaking off a piece of the water bottle mold.

Welder Always Dreamed Of Having Big Metal Face With One Rectangular Eye |

Sources report that local welder Diane Willis always dreamed of having a big metal face with one rectangular eye. “When I was a kid, I used to go to the junkyard and hold up pieces of metal in front of my face just to see what it would feel like for my face to be made of metal and my eyes to be made of rectangle,” said Willis, clearly overjoyed to have found a profession where that odd physical characteristic was not just commonplace but mandatory.

Amish Youth on Rumspringa Announce Plans To Try Methamphetamine |

Reports indicate that young Lukas Stoltzfus on Rumspringa, a period of freedom from the strict Amish society constraints of their religion, wants to try methamphetamine. “I am so very grateful that the elders in our community allow us to break free from the confines of our community briefly to see what this outer world is all about.

Boomer Offended That Washing Machine Has 'Whites' And 'Normal' Settings |

Sixty-eight-year-old Ernest Bluebonnet was outraged this past Sunday when he discovered that his washing machine had two separate settings for ‘Whites’ and ‘Normal.’ “How dare they tell me what settings I can and can’t use just because of my race! White people are so oppressed these days,” said Bluebonnet, blissfully unaware of both washing machine operation and systemic racism.

Labyrinthine Hedge Maze No Big Deal For Hungry, Fiber-Loving Guy |

In local news, a labyrinthine hedge maze was no big deal for hungry, fiber-loving guy Nathan Lang. “This is a cursed, ever-changing maze of looming hedges that’s impossible to escape, but I’m like, whatever,” Lang explained, stuffing his mouth with leaves and twigs.

Evil Businessman Named Copperfinger Seizes Every Penny In Circulation |

In the wake of the penny’s discontinuation, copper magnate Cupric Copperfinger has laid hold of every red cent in circulation. “I just have a passion for coin collecting,” explained Copperfinger, emerging from a veritable dragon’s hoard of pennies in his lair.

Prehistoric Tech Bro Wants You To Invest In His Arrowheads |

Prehistoric tech bro Grok announced this week that he was looking for investors for his new line of arrowheads. “I know these supposedly take away jobs from hunter-gatherers who use their fists,” said Grok through a string of unintelligible grunts and hand gestures.

Restaurant Mood Lighting No Match For Dad's Phone Flashlight |

A recent report from the nicest restaurant in town reveals that the dining room’s mood lighting was no match for Dad’s phone flashlight. “At first, Dad seemed to appreciate the restaurant’s pleasant atmosphere,” related Amelia Hayes, reminiscing about how the votive holders placed on each table had filled the restaurant with a warm, flickering glow.

Bris Pregamed |

In a drunken scene out of the Beth-Elohim parking lot, local teen Mira Feldman pregamed the fuck out of her new baby cousin’s bris. “Ugh, where did I put my flask? I genuinely cannotttt fucking do this right now,” Feldman said as she pulled a seventh Pink Whitney shooter out of her bag and passed it to Micah, the chillest cantor.

Sombr Not Nearly Hot Enough To Be That Bad At Singing |

Recent studies show that TikTok sensation Sombr is not nearly attractive enough to be that bad at singing. “Most of the time, when you have a guy like this, he’s either got a really good voice, or he’s got a face like a young Tom Cruise,” explained music industry executive Mark Abrams, perusing his catalog of nieces to find pop’s next big star.

Road Less Traveled Worse |

In an unsurprising scene last week, the road less traveled was indeed, the worse road. “Yeah, I guess I should have seen that one coming,” confessed 20th-century American Poet Robert Frost, as he picked dead slugs from the less-traveled road out of the bottom of his shoes.

Grandma Comments "I miss you" On AI-Generated Video Of Cat Eating Ice Cream Cone |

Sources claim that last night, Grandma commented “I miss you” under a Facebook post containing an AI-generated video of a cat eating an ice cream cone. “You know, he was such a sweet boy, and I always liked him, that cute thing. He was so crafty, catching mice and bringing them to me.

Child Afflicted With Yellow Fever And Scarlet Fever Gorgeous Shade of Orange and Also Dead |

An eight-year-old boy stricken with simultaneous cases of yellow and scarlet fever turned a remarkable shade of orange at the peak of his infection, and also died, according to sources. “For just a moment, the hue of the boy’s skin turned to the most brilliant shade of vermilion,” said Dr.

Your Dog Doesn't Care That You're Naked, Nor Does The Person Watching From Little Cameras Inside His Eyes |

Neither your dog nor the person watching from the little cameras inside his eyes cares that you’re naked. “I’m not particularly fond of the back tattoo, but overall, I couldn’t care less,” said your dog Poochie as he watched you strip down to get into the shower.

Cow In Tornado Having Time Of Its Life |

Reports indicated the tornado in Topeka picked up a cow who had a fricking blast up there. “Hell yeah! Hell yeah! Moooooooooooooo!!” yelled Isabella the cow, as the creature who previously only knew a quiet, calm life on her Kansas farm now whizzed past reporters at gale speeds.

Trump Insists That Canada Change Name To "Hat of America" |

Following his controversial move to rename the Gulf of Mexico to the Gulf of America, President Donald Trump signed an executive order last Tuesday that Canada must change its name to “Hat of America.” “It is unclear whether an executive order can actually accomplish what Trump is setting out to accomplish here,” remarked White House Advisor Cecil Roans, instructing interns to cross out “Canada” on all maps around the capitol with Sharpies.

Two Foot Pole Perfect For Measuring Depth of Two Foot River |

In a stunning revelation, a two-foot pole was reportedly perfect for measuring the depth of a two-foot river. “I was blessed to have received this pole, which I had previously used to shoo away alligators or punish my child,” said Turney Jankings, a local resident with a crazed look in his eyes.

Every Single Bite Of That Burger Gonna Get An Audible Moan From Grandpa |

At dinner last night, every single bite of the Classic Style Belly Buster Double Burger was met with an audible moan from Grandpa. “Mmmmmffff, ohhh yeahhh. Mmmmm, that is good, that is really god damn good. Mmm mmm mmmm,” remarked Grandpa, juice dripping from his chin after taking his first bite at Pazini’s Burger Bar where the whole family was gathered for Grandma’s birthday.

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