Partly Cloudy, 64°
Local creep Clyde C. Carroll is wondering why you changed your lock again. “It’s the third time this month I’ve had to cast a new key,” Carroll explains. “This is really getting out of hand.”
Carroll, whose hobbies include cleaning out your refrigerator, rearranging the nativity scene on that shelf in your family room, and going through your underwear drawer in search of panties that need mending, reports being “curious why you started keeping the blinds shut all of a sudden.” He notes that he would be happy to loan you the Maui Jim aviators that were left on the back porch eight weeks ago if your bedroom is too bright.
Carroll wonders if your obsessive behavior might be a sign of deep psychological unrest. “I can’t seem to understand why you take such precautions against strangers entering your house,” says Carroll. “I wonder if this is just a reaction to a suppressed childhood trauma.”
The creep, who “just wants to make sure you are okay,” suggests you seek counseling for your probable mental illness. “Anxiety disorders affect about 18 percent of the U.S. population,” reports Carroll. “I am very aware of facts and figures surrounding mental illness.” The creep is under the impression that appropriate mental health care might help you put an end to such ritualistic actions as “turning on the floodlights at night” and “obsessively setting the house alarm.”
Carroll’s neighborly concern is not limited to your mental health. “I noticed ‘sore throat’ in the desktop computer’s internet search history,” he says as he meticulously applies flea medication to your dog, a dog he is clearly on very familiar terms with and has taught several remarkable tricks. “Maybe it is time to see a doctor.”
Carroll jots down the date and time of the doctor’s appointment he kindly scheduled for you on the reminder pad next to the kitchen phone. Beneath it he makes a list of items you are running low on, including “toothpaste,” “tampons” and “that do-it-yourself hair dye—I’ve been noticing that (your) roots are greying a bit.”
As he tunes the strings on your daughter’s guitar, Carroll compliments your refined taste. “The new curtains look great from the closet in the den,” he remarks. However, he soon adds that the new ADT Home Security sign by the front entrance is “not as flattering.”
As he picks the lock of your back entrance with a paper clip, Carroll concludes, “Some people just don’t understand how to be neighborly nowadays.” He carefully wipes his shoes on your welcome mat. “It’s up to me to make myself at home here.”
