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"As a casual pedestrian, it is easy to assume that the white markings at the intersections on Thayer Street represent an aesthetic aspect of the massive construction project currently underway in that area. However, this is not the case. These ""designs"" are a symptom of what has been described by Douglas Brinkley as a ""scatological phenomenon."" We like to think of ourselves as immune to such unpleasant aspects of life here in Providence, but the astounding amount of bird feces that has begun to accumulate in our crosswalks, largely ignored, is a testament to the serious nature of the problem.
It is easy to overlook this epidemic. The feces fall in remarkably symmetrical patterns that give our streets a look reminiscent of the faux-cobblestone of Disney World, invoking childhood feelings of bliss and making it easy to miss the harmful nature of this accumulation. Indeed, many have claimed that it is aesthetically beneficial for the city to allow and even encourage such patterned masses of avian fecal matter. An examination of the questionable preferences of those who find such designs pleasing to the eye has no place in this column, as interesting as the fact that such abominable taste exists outside of the 1980s may be. Instead, this is a look at the incontrovertibly negative effects this defecetory attack has had on our beloved city.
The piles of bird droppings have, first and foremost, impacted Providence's previously untarnished reputation as a city. As a result of this new problem, Boston, New London, and even Hartford have recently been seen publicly mocking Providence. Such scoffing is inevitable when a city does not respect itself enough to clean dung that striates its crosswalks. If there were no other negative effects of the bird feces, this blow to our reputation should be enough to warrant a call for action against the devious fowl that seek to undermine the city thousands have worked to build up. This, however, is not the full extent of the damage.
Charlie McDyer, professional dancer and full-time student, blames his multi-week cold, cough, and lost voice on an epidemic stemming from the bacteria known to thrive in the very feces some claim are ""beautifying"" our city. He was unavailable for verbal comment, due to his lost voice, but his facial expression and hand gestures indicate that McDyer's ailment is the result of an encounter with the excrementally decorative crosswalks. An official at the Center for Disease Control in Georgia who wished to remain anonymous confirmed McDyer's hunch, acknowledging that the CDC is aware of the health risks of the bird droppings on Thayer. A HAZMAT-equipped field team is being dispatched to the area within the next 24 hours in a somewhat belated attempt to contain this menace before it spreads along the entire east coast.
The danger of the huge amounts of bird droppings that are accumulating on Thayer Street has become evident to the officials within Providence itself, and, in response, the city council has passed a measure lifting the moratorium on the hunting of fowl within city limits. The council has sanctioned the use of small arms by any able-bodied citizen over the age of 11 in what councilman Segal has called the ""war against [this] flying, defecating menace,"" but the council stresses that cruise missiles are still frowned upon, as are chemical and biological agents."
