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This past week, several concerned citizens in East Providence filed a police report about a lazy stalker who was found wandering aimlessly in the hopes of finding his target.
“Yeah, I mean, I’m obsessed with her, but I couldn’t tell you how to start the actual stalking, so I just started walking around,” said stalker Mort Peterson, who was reported after wandering into every store on Main Street and asking patrons if they’d seen a girl anywhere. “I tried googling ‘how to stalk someone,’ but I think that just got me put on a list.”
“Plenty of people have told me to be a better stalker, that I need to stalk more actively, but I just don’t know what to do, and I’ve never been very proactive,” said Peterson, who had only been arrested on loitering charges. “By the way, does anyone know any lawyers or something? I don’t really know how to get one.”
“I was so relieved when I learned that Mort had been caught,” said the victim, whose name has been withheld due to privacy reasons. “With someone like him on the prowl, who knows what would happen if I accidentally ran into him on the street? He might almost do something!”
At press time, a lazy stabber was spotted holding a knife out and waiting for someone to walk into it.
