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Leaked letters between University President Christian Paxson and weapons manufacturer Lockheed Martin reveal that the two parties were engaged in a months- long affair ahead of October’s divestment vote.
“Sir Martin, my love, your affections took me by such surprise,” wrote Paxson in a pink-penned letter from Septem- ber 1. “You dropped into my life like a precision-guided missile. You flew into my heart like an F-35 Lightning II. Now, you’ll never have to worry about a thing. I’ll keep financing and romancing you, my sweet boy. What’s mine is yours, and I’m honored to surrender my heart to you like an under-resourced nation waving a white flag after weeks of bombardment.”
“Dearest Christina, your Lockie misses you so deeply. Laying my head on my pillow each night, I weep for our fond days gone by,” Martin had responded in a wax-sealed card. “I remember capturing your gaze for the first time like it was yes- terday. Your warm chocolate eyes warmed my heart. The aluminum of my precision drone strike-adept Hellfire Missiles turned to pools of melted metal, softened by your glow.”
“I know our past few weeks have been trying times,” penned Paxson the night before the Corporation’s surprise meeting. “But we will be able to pronounce our love publicly soon. No objections can keep me from you. The more I invest in our love, the more it enriches me. It’s you and me against the world.”
At press time, Paxson and Martin were seen getting into a stealth F-117 Nighthawk bomber and flying off into the sunset.
