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The U.S. Department of the Interior released a long-term study Tuesday, revealing several glaring geographical insufficiencies in the nation’s landscape, which, at this present time, has absolutely no chance of shielding civilians from the power of love. In what Department Chairman Rick Anderson called “the revelation of a stunning breach in our topographical integrity," the report disclosed that no mountain, valley, or river in the continental United States can restrict anyone with sufficient amorous feeling."
“It’s truly remarkable,” Anderson commented. “The depth of the valleys we surveyed and the width of the rivers we plotted—they literally mean nothing here.” The report states that meteorological events such as wind, rain, and inclement weather are also ineffectual.
“We’re not sure what to do about it, honestly,” Assistant Chairman Laura Kinsey continued. “We thought about digging a trench in one of the valleys, just to be sure. It looks like that won’t do any good, though. People are just going to keep getting together.”
When asked about the feasibility of more invasive solutions, Anderson sighed. “There’s a ring of dynamite idea being rolled out. Honestly, though, we’re not very optimistic about it. There is nothing—repeat, nothing—in America’s known spectrum of topography that can prevent any one person from getting to their baby.”
