Well, hello, there. I’ve heard a lot of religion-bashing goin’ around this fine country of ours lately, so I thought it might be time for old Mortimer Durkin to set the record straight. People who think their religious beliefs are right, and all others are wrong, are damn fools. No one religion is any less crazy than any other one. Except the religion I invented, of course, which is just way, way, way crazier than any other religion that any other person could possibly subscribe to.
What makes it so strange?I dunno. Some would say it’s my insistence that every prayer consist entirely of the lyrics from the song “How Bizarre” by OMC. Some people might object to the required eyebrow tattoos of salmon swimming upstream. Others might just be flat-out confused by the otter sacrifices. But the fact of the matter is that everyone’s gonna be weirded out by it in some way.
That’s not the point, though. Religion is fundamentally ingrained in what you as an individual believe. When a group of people believe the same thing, it becomes a sort of dogmatic principle. Now how can people say that something someone else believes is hogwash when they’ve simply chosen to believe in something a little different? This is excepting my religion, of course, which is just flat-out the most insane. You’d be hard-pressed to believe in my religion. Oh, yes.
But I believe in it. I believe that when we die a sort of virtual Pope has to win our body back from Satan in a best-of-three series of Cruisin’ World Tour. Arcade Game-style. And whoever loses has to flatten his own head and stick it under a couch cushion before the Muppets on the television are done counting to 10 in space. You’d be right in saying that this religion, where the God is a dab of whale blood and the Bible is just a signed photograph of Chevy Chase, is certified crazy. But apart from my religion, which is the world’s only religion that considers scabs to be holy, it’s impossible to choose. No other belief system can definitively be called the One True Religion over any other one.
But you can probably discount mine. It’s almost definitely wrong.