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House Speaker John Boehner announced in a press conference this morning that the Republican Party is now formally acknowledging the existence of a climate.
“Though we remain thoroughly unconvinced of the so-called theory of ‘global warming,’" Boehner began, “in an effort to reach across the aisle, the Republican Party has decided to acknowledge that the world does indeed have a climate. We would even go as far as saying that’s probably where snowflakes come from.”
He added, “The rest of this climate talk is really just speculation.”
After losing both the presidential election and a chance to gain a majority in the Senate in early November, Republicans have been struggling to revamp their party’s appeal to a younger, more diverse electorate. While Rep. Boehner stated they still believe climate change is “one of the many pranks scientists pull off every few years,” their concession that climates exist is a significant one.
“The decision was difficult and it was by no means unanimous,” Rep. Boehner stated in the conference. Many Republicans, for example, have conceded to parts of the climate, such as wind and precipitation, being real, but not temperature, atmospheric pressure and humidity.
“These liberals want to have people believe all this stuff in the air is from a climate, but it’s just not true,” commented Senator Marco Rubio. “Everyone knows hail is just poop from airplanes.”
Added Rubio, “Bozos.”
