A recent report from the nicest restaurant in town reveals that the dining room’s mood lighting was no match for Dad’s phone flashlight.

“At first, Dad seemed to appreciate the restaurant’s pleasant atmosphere,” related Amelia Hayes, reminiscing about how the votive holders placed on each table had filled the restaurant with a warm, flickering glow. “But Dad soon began muttering about the lack of sufficient lighting.”

“I knew it was over once Dad started squinting at the normal-sized print of the menu,” recounted Hayes, shuddering as she described the way the beam of her father’s phone flashlight sliced through the restaurant’s ambiance like a knife through brie. “I edged the little tealight closer toward him in case that helped at all. I even offered to read the menu out loud, but it was no use. There was just no stopping him.”

At press time, ambient jazz was no match for full-volume Clash of Clans.

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