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Yesterday, freshman Max Oldenberg ’15 faced the shocking discovery that his roommate Stephen McNish ’15, whom he had recently begun to consider a close friend, had actually died by accidental decapitation a week ago.
“We didn’t get along very well at the beginning of the year,” Oldenberg said. “He was always mooching off my food and he constantly had people in the room when I wanted to sleep. He blasted dubstep at all hours of the day. I didn’t even know people actually listened to that without being hopped up on some kind of substance.” Oldenberg confronted McNish and noticed a significant improvement in his roommate’s behavior.
“Admittedly, he didn’t move very much, but he definitely cleaned up his act. He didn’t have people over when I was in the room, and he didn’t touch any of my stuff. I even told him about some of the issues I’ve been having with this girl, and he really was a great listener. I decided to really open up to him.”
Professors from the neuroscience department said that McNish’s decapitated head was probably incapable of actually listening, but Oldenberg said he could feel the beginnings of a beautiful friendship forming.
“I’m not saying he was perfect,” he said. “He still made me take out the trash, and he just let the fruit he had stolen from the Ratty sit there and rot. But you can only ask so much of a guy.”
When asked how he failed to notice his roommate’s alarming condition, Oldenberg said, “I just assumed he had a stressful week and needed a lot of sleep or something. And,” he added, “it’s not like you always think ‘Oh, I better check his neck and make sure his head is still attached.’ You don’t wanna be a creep.” Looking back, he recalls that the room acquired a strange smell as the week went on but “some guys just smell like decaying flesh. I wasn’t gonna be the one to point it out to him.”
The actual cause of the accident remains unknown.
“I may not know how it happened,” said Oldenberg’s close friend Selena Nash ’15. “But I think it was the best thing for everyone. Max is so much happier now. There are so many advantages to living with a dead person: no fighting over the lights, no worrying over conflicting sleeping patterns. And,” she added coyly, “if he ever brings a girl back, he can just shove Stephen in the closet.”
When asked about the complications of having a deceased roommate, Oldenberg was fairly optimistic. “Since he’s been so good over the last week, I’m really going to try to stick up for him. ResLife tried to take him away, but I’m doing whatever I can to make them let him stay. I think I have a good civil rights angle. I feel like it’s what he would’ve wanted.”
