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The Brown Noser

SafeRide Driver Arrested for DUI

Published Friday, December 1st, 2006

"Pawtucket, RI - The scene in this Providence suburb last Thursday had the potential to be grizzly. The remains of a white fence lay scattered and smashed across a lawn scarred by deep ruts. An out-of-control van had careened off the road and across this lawn, ending up mostly submerged in a swimming pool.

Luckily, neither the driver nor any pedestrians were hurt, but the identity of the driver, once ascertained, raised a serious question. The driver of the van is the employee of the Brown University and the Rhode Island School of Design SafeRide program. In addition, the van was actually one of those owned and operated by SafeRide. The driver, who will remain unnamed by request of the SafeRide program, was visibly intoxicated, and there were numerous empty cans of beer in the vehicle.

Several colleagues, who claim that he was heading to Tijuana for a long weekend, had also witnessed the driver. He evidently commandeered the van and intended to make the drive to Mexico overnight. He was on the road for less than 20 minutes before his trip ended in a swimming pool.

After such a showing display of blatant irresponsibility, one would be remiss not to question the methods employed by Safe Ride in choosing its drivers. In an attempt to shed some light on the recruiting process, this reporter went undercover as an applicant.

The process of choosing applicants was extraordinarily simple. In fact, the time spent forging a resume and setting up false references proved entirely wasted: after seeing that I was wearing both a shirt and pants, it was decided that I was more than qualified for the job. Indeed, it seems as if I may have been the most qualified of any driver, despite the fact that I have no driver's license and lack the use of my right arm.

My fellow drivers were a varied group, consisting of characters, such as as a man convicted of treason, two paraplegics, and even a reindeer (minus his antlers, which made it near impossible for him to fit into the drivers seat of a van). The Safe Ride program is most definitely in need of a total overhaul.

The driver in question was held overnight and is being charged with DUI and reckless endangerment. He is now out of prison after bail was posted by his best friend from work, the reindeer."

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