Sources report that a scary-looking church is actually a really wonderful community of people, and also the priest might touch you.

“We pride ourselves in always delivering the message that He intended,” said Father Walter Higgins, eyeing down the churchgoers that went up to take Communion. “It can sometimes be daunting to enter such a magnificent, grandiose building, but we really all love each other so much and share so many magical moments together.”

“My sons and daughter always ask me what my favorite part of my work is. My answer is working with the children. It brings me such joy to see their pretty little faces every day. Aren’t they just beautiful?” continued Father Higgins, touching someone’s hands for a bit too long as he spoke to them. “We’re actually planning a spring potluck next week! It’s going to be so beautiful to see the church thrive as we all come together.”

At press time, haunted house employees were actually big wusses.

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