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Sighing with exasperation, Dan Moritz ’16 explained that he wishes the freshmen in his classes wouldn’t speak until they’ve watched a man die. Citing their overeager participation and lack of self-awareness, Moritz encourages his younger classmates to talk less and listen more to the wisdom of older classmates who have experienced death firsthand.
“They should really wait to participate until they’ve gained more real-world knowledge,” Moritz explained. “The kind that I got when I watched a man asphyxiate on the side of the highway. That’s when I realized I probably only need to talk once a lecture, twice during seminars.”
Adjusting his glasses, Mortiz continued, “There’s just so much these freshmen don’t understand about the world right now. They don’t have the kind of adequate preparation for a college classroom. That all changes when you see the life vanish from a man’s eyes and develop a healthy respect for the fleeting nature of human existence and the need to create space in discussion.”
“First years are so naive," said James Kornick ’16. I used to do all the readings, too. Then I witnessed a fellow man overdose on ketamine at Bonnaroo in 2013, and now I understand the value of my time.”
When pressed about his Iowa trip, Moritz said he decided not to call 911 because this man’s death was just a metaphor for his coming of age, and calling the paramedics would’ve been emblematic of some naive desire to hold on to his innocence.
