Partly Cloudy, 64°
As Joseph Barnes ’14 began his fourth straight bowl of Cocoa Puffs in the Sharpe Refectory on Tuesday morning, an inspiring thought swept over him: “You know what? Today’s the day.”
Barnes decided that no longer would he sit idly by as life moved onward. He wasn’t just going to watch through the window as people talked together happily, patting each other on the back and laughing with youthful glee. He was going to be a part of it. “I pondered life’s various joys and realized my life has had none of them," remarked Barnes. "Then, it hit me: I needed to experience feeling,” said a beaming Barnes.
Eye witnesses have confirmed that for the past two years, Barnes has sat at the same dimly lit table in the back of the Ratty each morning, making the long trek to the cereal bar for each consecutive bowl. As he arrives back at his lonesome sadness bunker, he pretends to read the New York Times while slamming back puffs with an alarming rapidity not seen in the majority of the population.
Barnes has said his thoughts during this period of solidarity tended to stray toward the “depressing side,” but on Tuesday that all changed.
“I don’t know, I just thought, ‘Hey, everything’s going to turn around today,’” he said. "Maybe it was that extra crunch in the Cocoa Puffs, maybe it was the look of veiled happiness on the card swiper’s face. I’m just not sure. All I know is that, gosh darn it, things are looking up. Heck, I might even start jogging.”
It remains unclear if this new, sunnier perspective on life was due in part to the fact that a young woman whose identity has yet to be identified made eye contact with Barnes while appearing to approach his table. Barnes seemed undeterred by the fact that the young lady was merely headed to the adjacent table to sit with a group of friends, stating, “Eye contact is a good place to start.” Barnes then promptly vomited.
