Derek Stone '11 habitually plays intolerable music at times when no diurnal organism should be conscious, recent reports indicate. Research points to Stone's active practice of stupid goth vampirism as a cause of the nightly offense. Stone's roommate, speaking on the condition of anonymity, stated in no uncertain terms that Stone's nightly behavior "has resulted in a severe case of posttraumatic stress disorder, rivaling those diagnosed following the Great War." Stone's roommate is "pretty sure 'Flesh Machine' by Doomsday Refreshment Committee would sound identical in the mid afternoon or evening." He concluded by begging that Stone "at least get some headphones, lest I drive a stake into his lame, parent-hating heart."

Article tools

• Print
• Email
• Tweet