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Frustrated by years of unpopularity, Peter Zinger '12 finally reached his breaking point last Friday evening.
Five students fell victim to a series of fatal bites, and Zinger is currently being held in custody by officials at the Urban Environmental Lab.
"You try having violin-shaped markings on your cephalothorax!" Zinger clicked indignantly as he waited for law enforcement to carefully affix four pairs of handcuffs to his plentiful arms.
In a series of penitentiary-based interviews funded by a grant from the Brown Animal Biology department, Zinger's story of anger and outbreak was slowly unveiled. "It's really hard being on meal plan when your scavenger diet consists mostly of dead insects," Zinger began. "I know people complain about the Ratty being dirty and all, but when you think about the amount of dead insects required to feed someone my size, it really just doesn't add up. There might be five or six bugs in there on a good day, but is it really worth an entire meal credit?"
Withdrawing from meal plan was only the beginning of Zinger's downward spiral to unpopularity. "As a naturally non-aggressive being, I have a tendency to want to strike up residence in things like picture frames, laundry piles, cracks in the baseboard, and inside old mattresses. I don't understand why Brown couldn't take care of my concerns - I mean, I filled out the living preferences survey very carefully after matriculation, I thought, and I even cited all my specifics in that little 'extra comments' box at the end."
The Office of Residential Life, however, reports that "we get this sort of crap all the time, nervous freshmen trying to make jokes and stuff. I mean, we were pretty sure it was a poorly-constructed attempt at humor."
To Zinger, however, it was no laughing matter. He reports extremely difficult roommate relations, especially after his living partner realized that his preferred decoration scheme consisted of an abundance of disorderly threads. "I mean, I consider myself pretty open-minded and everything - I do go to Brown - but like, I never knew when he was around or not since he liked hiding, and also I kept getting caught in the threads," Zinger's freshman roommate might have stated had he not been brutally bitten and killed by Zinger last Friday.
"So I'm off meal plan, my roommate and I are on the outs, and also, I immediately get branded with nicknames like 'brown fiddler,' 'fiddleback,' and 'the fiddler on the sleuth.' How sissy is that? It was especially detrimental because it's really in my nature to want to go off at night in search of females. The nicknames aren't helping, and neither is the fact that my genitalia must be viewed under a microscope by a skilled expert in order to be seen. A high-powered microscope."
Maintaining that just because he prefers seclusion does not mean he doesn't value the companionship of others, Zinger allegedly hid in the closets of various Caswell House residents, unleashing his angry venom onto those whose social lives he covets.
Zinger's trial is scheduled for next Monday in the Providence Courthouse, and is open to the public.
