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The coach of the Brown drinking team, John Mollicone, has vowed to put an end to his team's severe and chronic sailing problem. The move comes in response to the team's reputation "that it is the worst in terms of sailing and other illicit activities, and that's saying something."
The Athletics Department supports Mollicone in the campaign. "It's ridiculous, the kind of behavior you see on this team," Athletic Department Director Michael Goldberger told The Brown Noser, shaking his head in disgust.
Further investigation into the weekly schedule of the team was shocking. Most team members train intensively during the week, demonstrating unequaled dedication to the sport of drinking. Some work out so hard that they regularly vomit or even pass out from the effort. Despite the difficulty of their sport, the team members "don't give up. They keep working on their game every night," Mollicone said with pride.
On the weekend, however, all that work is thrown aside and the team gets together for two straight days of binge sailing. They've been known to start sailing as early as six or seven in the morning, and continue until evening. Their exhaustion and injuries from sailing then cut into their training schedule for drinking. One freshman, who wished to remain anonymous for fear of legal repercussions, said, "Yeah, we sail all day, not gonna' lie. Then we're too wrecked from that to even drink."
In a meeting with the coaches and the team captains, athletic officials made it clear that this behavior would no longer be tolerated. Assistant coach Dan Rabin promised to take the lead in making changes. Rabin told The Noser that the team would be taking definite steps to curb organized sailing on the team, especially underage sailing. "We held a mandatory workshop for the team this past Saturday," he said. "We had a health educator lecturing on the dangers and the long-term risks of excessive sailing, and a DPS officer outlining the legal repercussions, of which most team members were completely ignorant." In keeping with the team's dedication to their sport, vodka was served at the event.
With the sailing cut out of their schedule, the team has vowed to have their strongest season yet. Their annual grudge match against archrival Alcoholics Anonymous is approaching, and with a bottle in each hand, say captains, they're training harder than ever before.
