Partly Cloudy, 64°
For weeks, Brown students eating at the Verney-Wooley Dining Hall have enjoyed the luxury of not carrying their food on trays, a measure crafted to simultaneously prevent wasted resources and remove any semblance of convenience to diners. But on Monday, V-Dub patrons were surprised to find the traditional dining stations replaced with feeding troughs gushing with blended food and animal fodder.
"Most Brunonians said they wanted to conserve and help save the world, but not if it meant an ounce of additional effort on their part," said Dining Operations Supervisor Danielle Schmidt. "So we found a way to maximize efficiency while minimizing
students' energy expenditure."
Schmidt said that the new initiative almost completely eliminates water wastage. "We never even have to wash the troughs - human saliva breaks down all the dangerous compounds," she insisted before sneezing directly into one of the crowded furrows.
Students initially seemed hesitant to try the new dining style.
"It was more or less the most disgusting thing I'd ever seen," said Jim Davison '10. "I just walked in to find what appeared to be a group of humanoid beasts gargling and bathing in their own vomit. Unfortunately, by the time I realized what was going on, I had already swiped my card, so I just dove right in."
But Davison reported being pleasantly surprised by the experience. "The next few minutes are kind of foggy, but I can definitely say that I was well fed by the time I limped out of there," he said, adding, "I think the tears were the good kind."
Angela Nguyen '08.5 said the new dining style afforded her the chance to try combinations she would otherwise have found utterly appalling. "On their own, the Jamaican Jerk Tempeh and Eggplant Parmesan
are gross, but mushed together with some chocolate sauce, cranberry juice, and assorted bodily fluids? Intriguing!"
Perhaps the highest praise, however, was reserved for the new dining experience's
unparalleled convenience. One student was heard hailing the soft serve machine's replacement, a device administering injections of pure fat directly into the bloodstream, as "so much easier." Others were quick to voice their enthusiasm as well. "Before this, I would have to make two, three trips to get all my stuff together and sit down," explained Darrell Reed '12. "Now it just takes one, and you don't need any silverware." He added, "Hell, you don't even need arms."
