Partly Cloudy, 64°
It's been a tough several weeks for Alex Kirchoff '14.
Like so many other freshmen who wanted to make their dorm room the swankiest of all their friends' by adding mood lights, an Xbox 360 and a beta fish, he must come to terms with the fact that only two of those objects will not end up in the sewer system by mid-May. His fish, Popper, is slated to get flushed just before Kirchoff's flight home on May 16.
"[My family and I] have had conversations, and we decided that this is the best way to go," explained Kirchoff. "Sending him to the aquarium home will only lead to a vacuous, finite life of bingo nights and lumpy cafeteria flakes. We took a tour once when we were considering the possibility - the old-fish smell was just unbearable. I couldn't bring that upon old Pop."
Kirchoff is still in the process of making funeral arrangements. "It's tough, you know? Especially when he's being so stubborn about the whole thing. I try to bring it up gently; I'll feed him some extra flakes that morning and make sure his treasure-chest is arranged just the way he likes it. Over coffee, I'll ask him about it as sensitively as possible. But I know that he just won't have it. He'll swim around energetically in his tank the whole day just to prove to me that he's still ticking. But, sooner or later, or by May 15, Pops is going to have to come to grips with the fact that he won't live forever."
Kirchoff has thus been forced to handle the ordeal himself. "It'll probably be a Christian funeral. Once he's actually dead, it's what we're going to say he would've wanted if he were alive. I'm personally nonsectarian, but Pop-Pop has always been a pretty staunchly traditional Lutheran." The funeral ceremony will be followed by what Kirchoff calls "a sacred, spiritual 'flushing' into the next world." This will be followed by a plain old toilet-flushing of the fish.
Those who wish to attend the public ceremony can do so on May 16 at 1 p.m. in the first floor NP3 bathroom (look for FUCK HATERZ in large print on the second stall door); sushi will be served as refreshment directly following the ceremony. All those in attendance are asked to remember that it is not a mourning of Popper's death but rather a celebration of the newly-renovated NP3 toilets.
