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Frequent eaters at the Ratty were relieved to hear yesterday that after 26 years, Gail the Greeter has finally regained full health after a nasty case of the sniffles. But this vigor comes at a cost: the "Voice of the Sharpe Refectory" has changed from the usual light, high-pitched sound to one that strikes fear into the hearts of Jedi Knights and Verizon competitors everywhere.
"It's quite amazing, actually," said Dr. Steinberg, Gail's physician. "We had given up hope, but the cold seems to have cleared up miraculously overnight. We were, however, a little bit shocked to hear that she sounded like James Earl Jones."
Gail revealed later that day that she had been a Darth Vader impersonator during the late seventies, touring Las Vegas's less impressive venues with her traveling Star Wars/Swedish Pop Sensation musical dance troupe, jABBA and the Hutts. June of 1981 was a great month for the troupe, riding on the coattails of The Empire Strikes Back's success. But during a performance at the Glazed Hotel, an overworked Gail became ill, losing her voice completely in the sixth measure of "I Am Your Father; Only I Can Tell You When to Fool Around With Your Sister."
Since then, Gail's beautiful bass voice simply hadn't been the same, until yesterday, when some combination of her various prescriptions worked.
When asked what the secret to her success was, Dr. Steinberg responded: "Diet, exercise, and, of course, Magic Bars. I've been prescribing those puppies since the 80s-twice a day, every day. I knew that after a few years, the magic would finally do the trick."
Students had mixed responses to Gail's new voice. "It is the most incredible thing I've ever heard. Whenever I come in I feel like I'm on the Death Star planning our next attack at the Jedi Forces," commented Todd Steinowitz '08.
"It's scary and abnormal," said freshman Alexa Harper, "I'm a little weirded out by it. I think creepy is the best word to describe it."
When asked to comment, Gail had but one thing to say: "Hi."
