Partly Cloudy, 64°
[The following is an editorial submitted by our study-abroad correspondent, Sascha Starkovstoy.]
Our comrades at University in Moscow have been chosen into dorms in spring for upcoming year of academia. Dorms have chosen students based on what is most suitable for their needs, so all get fair deal, as you like. Dror Latishev spends time in library, lives near library; Ana Korskovitch up all night making the sex with engineer Leo, live in single. Is better.
However, in imperialist American university, such as the Brown, dorm room does not choose students as is most fair. Students enter lottery, is random. Some students get premium number, get premium dorm. Other students get New Pembroke.
Lottery is like everyone in line for delicious borscht. You want delicious borscht, you want premium 6-person suite, you need first pick, otherwise you go hungry and console self with vodka, as if receiving sentence from Gulag. Should instead be equal for all. All enjoy same amount of borscht or all live in work camp. Is like Communism, but Communism better.
Is very clear that system in Moscow works, system at the Brown does not. Masha Strovenko, fourth-year at Moscow, raves that "dorm choosing makes very premium situation. I feel special dorm has chosen me, and everyone feel special, because system good for everyone! I celebrate, not mourn, with vodka today."
Vladimir Malkovitch, second-year at Moscow, proclaims, "System here is good, I get good dorm same as everyone else. My only complaint is [CENSORED]." So you see, clearly system in Moscow is better, no complaints from any students, must be best solution.
Why does the Brown not change system? Dorm room should choose student, not other way around. Masses at the Brown need help to ensure fair allocation of dorm. Leader should help with process, give all students equal dorm, and can take whole dorm for self as reward. Is better!!
