Partly Cloudy, 64°
About a week before returning to Brown's campus I paid my local orthodontist a visit. I hadn't seen him in a while because I'd been away all summer, but I figured it'd be the usual, "You haven't been wearing your retainer" speech. To my dismay, he informed me that I had a huge cavity that needed to be taken care of before returning to school. My mother, ever the optimist told me, "Don't worry, didn't I see dental dams on your counselors door when I came to visit last year?"
I replied matter-of-factly, "I don't think dental dams are for cavities." Unfortunately, when she asked me what dentals dams were actually for, all I could give her for an answer was the awkward turtle. I texted a friend that I deemed sufficiently ho-ish to see if she knew exactly what they were and she didn't know either. I even sought out the counsel of a male friend who wasn't sure about these dental dams as well. The only thing we really knew was that they were "the things next to the condoms on every RPLs door." Everything else was a mystery to us.
It shouldn't surprise you that I turned to the internet to get God's word on the matter. Wikipedia told me two things. Firstly, that my mother wasn't really wrong as "a dental dam, also known as in Europe as a "Kofferdamm" (from German), is used mainly in endodontic treatment and when putting fillings into teeth." But also, it confirmed my suspicion that dental dams are indeed used in oral sex. Unfortunately, from the looks of the picture Wikipedia provided, I couldn't decipher quite how to apply a dental dam in any sort of sexy or comfortable way. Furthermore, I'd never seen a dental dam in a grocery store, pharmacy, or any other college campus for that matter. So how was it that Brown University had this bottomless pit of dental supplies for our lustful needs? Urbandictionary.com provides one hypothesis in its use of dental dam in a sentence which reads, "Yummy, my dental dam still tastes like the fruit roll up that i took it from, since we all know the the plastic in a fruit roll up wrap is a very good way of using a dental dam!"
My mom's innocent suggestion had sent me on quest for sexual knowledge. I decided not to rest until I knew the secrets of Pandora's dental dam. Of course, I started with the fraternities. Those boys must have heard "no glove, no love" before, so I figured some girl must have insisted "no dental, no gentle" or something. To my dismay, none of the frat brothers used in my study (which included a random sampling of races, heights, weights, and tolerance) knew what to say when I asked them to put on a dental dam. A test subject who we'll call Sebastian became very overwhelmed and insisted that I "be upfront and just admit don't like [him] like that" when I asked that he retrieve and apply the protection beforehand.
Realizing that dental dams clearly create a barrier between lovers in more ways than one has disheartened me. But I've made a commitment to my mother and myself to fully comprehend the usage of dental dams because sexual education is so important to creating a better future for our children. I haven't quite decided if I'll create my own concentration after my research yields more answers but there's a great possibility. Until then, I'll stay practical and stick with Egyptology.
