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It was a heartfelt confession last Saturday when Faunce's most beloved paper towel dispenser admitted his deep-rooted psychological issues to the press. For years, he has been providing towels via a "no touch sensor" that detects when hands are near in order to preemptively dispense paper, but only recently has he opened up about the underlying cause.
"I always just thought it must be for sanitary purposes, or for convenience," said Sandra Manos '11. Indeed, the dispenser has been operating under the guise of health and cleanliness, but only to shroud the deeper issues at hand.
"I was extremely abused as a child," the dispenser reminisced painfully, expelling a Kleenex tissue from his nose to dry his watery sniffles. "I used to live in an elementary school where there were milk spills and potty accidents everyday. The teachers would yank my paper out super hard when, really, it's meant to be accepted delicately, like a gift, piece by piece. They had no patience for how a machine such as myself is supposed to operate, and would often run me empty in one fell swoop."
Rendered nearly nonfunctional after years of such abuse, the dispenser finally decided to go in for a then-controversial surgery to install a "no touch sensor" option. "I was scared," commented the dispenser, "but I knew it had to be done. I couldn't stand to live that way any longer."
Now at his new home in Faunce, the towel dispenser describes himself as happier, but still troubled. "I felt like in some ways the no touch sensor option was just putting a Band-Aid on the problem. While I am indeed appreciative of no longer being harassed by frazzled teachers, I still get a small jolt of fear every time a hand comes near me, nervous that I won't be able to dispense the paper in time to avoid contact."
The dispenser notes that this fear of intimacy has translated to other aspects of his life as well. "Whenever I start to get close to people, like really get to know them, there's a part of me that wants to push them away. Every towel I dispense is another white flag of surrender."
Medical professionals are currently looking into the issue and expect to treat the dispenser with a combination of pharmaceuticals and psychotherapy.
