Saturday, May 4, 2024
Partly Cloudy icon Partly Cloudy, 64°

The Brown Noser

Opportunistic Stockbroker Practices Anguished Looks in Hopes of Making News

Published Friday, December 5th, 2008

For many, the ongoing financial crisis that has swept American and global markets has been a source of continual anxiety and panic with unemployment rates on the rise and stocks falling to their lowest levels in years. For Stuart Miller, however, it has provided a potential source of fame.

"Hear me out," Miller said to the Noser, turning around in his swivel chair to look away for a moment from the InTrade account where he just bet $1000 on the possibility that the U.S. will experience another Great Depression. "I'm really not an asshole. I'm just a pragmatist. I see things as they are, and I do what I can to make the best of it."

For the past two months, Miller has been practicing anguished looks in the hopes of being photographed on particularly devastating days and consequently being featured on prominent TV networks and websites. It's a chance, he says, to get a little "face time" that he otherwise might not enjoy in an occupation that usually doesn't include 15 minutes of fame in the job description.

"I'm drawing from a variety of sources," he said. "I've been watching, you know, the cab scene from On the Waterfront, and I've been paying particular attention to Olivier's production of King Lear. But otherwise I've just been taking inspiration from everything that's around me. Did you see that guy they had on Fox News the day the Dow plunged 900 points? Dude deserved an Oscar. He really gave the impression that he was in crisis. Red-rimmed eyes, hands in his hair, mouth slightly agape. Astounding work, really."

While some of Miller's associates have reacted to his efforts with only vague or disguised resentment, others have been more forthcoming. "You know what? I was put up on CNN a couple weeks back," said Phil Robinson, a trader who works on the floor of the New York Stock Exchange. "And do you know why I had my head in my hands? Because I'm worried about my family. My clients. My future. Does this guy not understand what's going on?"

When asked to respond, Miller said, "Mr. Robinson's statement is a revelation of acting. Invoking the family and the futur -clearly, I have a lot to learn. I'm not claiming I've got the hang of this yet, but you know, things take time. Hopefully I'll have my act together by the time GM declares bankruptcy.

And if the Obama administration really does end up fixing the economy, I may be out of luck."

Article tools

Search The Brown Noser

  • Loading…