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Proud mother Dmitri Mendeleev held up several tricalcium phosphate soaked sweaters as she addressed the press yesterday morning. "My little baby has become a woman!" she blustered, nearly leaking with joy.
For years, chemistry students have been monitoring the prepubescent development of the periodic table. First there were the awkward years with the addition of Berkelium, then came Californium and training bras, and finally, after the recent acquisition of Roentgenium, imminent menstruation was expected.
"She's grown so big and womanly, it was only a matter of time," nerdy organic chemistry student Hank Boron '10 noted.
Indeed, on a ripe and fertile Monday morning last week, Aunt Sally paid her first visit to lecture hall MacMillian 117. Although the leftmost part of class was immediately covered in tricalcium phosphate, there was minimal frustration due to the chemistry department chair's promise to pay for dry-cleaning.
The chemistry teachers are so thrilled at the table's maturation, they plan to throw a giant Coming of Age bash for all sciences faculty this coming Thursday with uterus piñatas, red fruit punch, and Pin The Tampon on the Atomic Mass Unit of Uranium. One invitee, a professor of biology, winked at the press and smiled, saying, "it's only a matter of time before this little lady will be wanting to take biology."
It's true - for all her physical maturation, the table is becoming quite the rebellious little teen. She refuses to write in anything but Comic Sans, and insists upon shortening the atomic mass of each element to only two significant figures. "Soon she'll be asking to wear that thong underwear I read about in Poor Richard's Almanac," sighed Mendeleev as she mused on her daughter's adolescence.
Chemistry students, on the whole, greet the situation with mild happiness, but hasten to logically plan out the semester. Alexander Lithium '09 volunteered to take the basal body temperature, and Samantha Selenium '11 will be in charge of placing bathtub-sized tricalcium phosphate containers underneath the table when the time comes.
Mr. Clean company has already offered to buy the chemicals, citing them as very useful cleaning agents. The chemistry department plans to use the excess funds for spectrophotometers, volumetric flasks, test tubes, Jell-O and booze.
