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Residents of New Dorm B's first floor were shocked Sunday morning to find janitor Philip Taylor, a longtime worker for the Office of Residential Life, peeing from outside the entrance to the bathroom, aiming his trail of urine off of a hand dryer to get it to land safely in the urinal.
"Beyond the sheer marksmanship he displayed, I was astounded by the boldness of his actions," Marcus Skimbridge '10 said. "Why would a grown man be peeing from out in the hallway, right where everyone can see his giggle stick? I haven't seen that kind of thing since I went with my dad to his 25-year reunion at Dartmouth."
Investigators dispatched by Brown Public Safety found that Taylor's actions were prompted by a rapidly spreading puddle under the urinal - composed, perhaps unsurprisingly, of urine. "I've seen it a thousand times - the puddle, I mean, not the guy's pork sword," said Officer Craig Miller. "It all starts with one guy, okay? He's eight beers deep, you know, and he's having a good night. He tells the girl next to him that he's gonna go get another, but he really has to take a piss - and so he goes to the bathroom, and when he gets there, he wonders how good his aim is. He takes a step back or two from the urinal and unleashes his hog, and he just lets 'er rip from a yard or two away. Inevitably he'll miss by some - he may even catch a bit of the wall - and a puddle will form under the urinal, small but distinct. You get the picture: it's all downhill from there."
Eyewitnesses seemed to confirm Miller's account. "Man, did I have to piss on Sunday morning," said Elias Schumaker '11. "Thete knows how to throw a party, no joke. But let me tell you, when I got into the bathroom - this is barefoot, mind you - there was this half-evaporated pool of liquid under the urinal. No way I'm trudging through that, right? So of course I had to take my piss from a few feet away. Which, since I had some morningwood and all. let's just say I made up some distance."
Mark Sanchez '10 entered the bathroom directly after Schumaker. "I saw the puddle, too, man, even though I was hungover as fuck," he said. "I wasn't barefoot, I don't think, but I may have been wearing my Nike socks. Either way, I didn't even want to venture near that shit, let alone clean it up. Yeah, I had my back pressed up against the shower curtain when I let Nessie fly. And let's just say I'm no William Tell with my wanker."
Brown authorities reported Monday morning that the pee puddle had grown to the size of a small pond by the time Taylor had his way with it, and when public safety officers arrived at 12:30 a.m., urine covered 62 percent of the bathroom floor. "It's a testament to the male ego that this thing escalated as quickly as it did," said Officer Miller. "No guy wants to admit he doesn't have complete control over what his hanging johnny does. It's just the way things are."
Asked to comment on behalf of her gender, Samantha Lane '11 commented, "You guys deserve yourselves."
