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Laboratory researchers at the Brown Institute of Animal Biology made a remarkable discovery last Wednesday with the aid of new photoactivated localization microscopy: the unique breed of bee they have been closely observing since its infancy was revealed to be not a bee at all but rather a WASP.
Jeremy Hiddle, professor of biology and head research investigator, says his team has long since noticed several abnormalities in the alleged bee during their study, but only now have managed to piece together the puzzle. "The first thing we noticed was our subject's extreme, almost manic avoidance of the predominantly black Carniolan breed of bee. When the winter months came and we observed him kicking over the long-nosed bees' menorahs and pooping honey all over their dreidels, we knew something was up," said Hiddle.
The turning point in the research occurred with the acquisition of the advanced new microscope, paid for by a "secret admirer." The microscope's special qualities enabled the lab assistants to zoom in on the animal's activity and observe several traits that previously had escaped their notice. Basil Emerson '09, who was in the lab the very day the new equipment arrived, was the first to peer into the depths of the biological abyss.
"We previously assumed that the bees entered their homes to work diligently on honey production, as can be corroborated by many other parallel studies. But our little guy, as I could now clearly see, was doing nothing of the sort - as soon as he got into his little hidey hole he began hosting dinner parties, buying golf clubs online, and applying Early Decision to Yale," said Emerson.
After Hiddle compiled all the data Emerson and his colleagues attained, he was forced to come to the astounding conclusion that their adorable little critter was not just a questionably racist bee. He was a full-on WASP, complete with a gentleman's club membership and a wine cellar. Photos taken with the microscope support several hypotheses that predict the insect may even be growing a goatee.
What are the repercussions of this discovery? The Institute of Animal Biology remains unsure, but foresees an upswing in miniature croquet equipment sales and argyle sweater production should the insect be bred in captivity. As for the misclassification of the WASP as a bee, the Institute has issued an official statement of apology to the bee community, which has newspapers buzzing. The controversy is expected to smooth over soon with the help of the lab's PR representative Adell Strauss '10.
The WASP itself was unavailable for comment, as he was yachting off the coast of Maine with a crowd of ambitious young businesswomen at the time of publication.
