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Students and faculty alike were shocked by Dean Katherine Bergeron's announcement last week, which heralded a new era in Brunonian music. In an attempt to bring a more "post-post-modern, naturalist musical perspective," Dean Bergeron laid down her plans to substitute the beloved 103-year-old Hutchings-Votey organ in Sayles Hall with a different sort of organ-a single-story spleen.
Next semester, the organ will be placed in storage; in its stead will be a 40-foot tall, 80-foot wide spleen, currently unnamed but operating under the Dean's nickname for it, "Spleeny-poo."
Bergeron's advocacy for the spleen stems from her intense love of harmony and desire to explore the musical world in its entirety.
"While I was on sabbatical in Djibouti," said Bergeron in her announcement, "I was deeply influenced by the natural sounds of the music that I was exposed to, including the concept of using the body as an instrument, like drums and other percussion. It was then that I was struck with the perfect idea-why not push the concept of the body as an instrument to its limits? Why simply use the outer anatomy as an instrument?
"After my non-English-speaking guide signed a waiver that allowed me to carve multiple incisions in his abdomen, and after several unsuccessful attempts, I finally came to the realization that the human spleen is perfectly shaped to provide excellent acoustics and is a wonderful accompaniment when one is whistling 'Dixie.'"
Thus, the Brown Organ Garnering from Undergraduates Society was formed. The Society searched for the best spleen to add to the Brunonian music collection, examining such characteristics as quality of lymphoid tissue, filtration rate, and range of sound emitted.
Kristy Sneedblatt '08, President of the Society, described the group's task. "Basically, Dean Bergeron asked us to size up the undergrads and determine who, based on medical records, would have the largest, most acoustically fit spleen to donate as the first gaseous digestive instrument on campus."
But why not consider graduate students?
"Well, that's obvious," Kristy said with a snort. "They've already sold all of their organs on the black market. I mean, they've got to pay tuition somehow."
Who is the lucky undergrad to have his spleen selected by the Society? None other than Keegan Boreshed '10, otherwise known as "The Garbage Disposal." Known to down 37 pulled pork sandwiches in one sitting, Boreshed's organs were stretched to 240 times the size of the average human's.
"He just had the most resilient of all the spleens we tested," Kristy admitted with a tinge of jealousy. "I mean, we had him swallow razor blades, swords, pitchforks, you name it. That lining wasn't breaking. And musically, his was by far the most talented spleen I've ever heard in my life. I'm in awe of its genius."
The spleen will be introduced to the Brown campus in October 2007, just in time for the Halloween Organ Concert. Students are anticipating an "especially spooky concert," looking forward to the actual fear of the spleen's potential to blast bodily juices at the crowd.
The Disposal, who is quite looking forward to the fame that comes
along with such a prestigious honor, is excited for the concert and his surgery, scheduled for mid-July.
"I can't wait," he said. "I mean, do I really need a spleen? I don't know what the hell it actually does, do you? It doesn't matter. and I'm getting paid, I think, maybe. Plus, I'll get all the ice cream I can eat, right? So, like, this is going to be awesome."
