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In a stunning setback for Brown's feminist community, Theta Delta Chi's "Frottage" party has resulted in the complete erasure of everything the Gender Studies Program has accomplished since its conception seven years ago.
According to Gender Studies concentrator Elizabeth Furman '10, the party "encouraged the objectification and commodification of women, asserted the conception of the 'subject' as exclusively masculine, reified the gender binary, and destroyed the hopes and dreams of women everywhere.in approximately two and a half hours."
Furman, who arrived at the party at approximately 10:15 pm for research purposes, was immediately horrified by the scene taking place outside the house, in which the frat brothers allowed many groups of girls to cut the line outside the door.
"How can you actually accept the offer to cut the line and contribute to the essentialist conception of femininity as an object to be pursued by the male, heterosexual subject?" asked Furman. "It's really cold," the girl responded as she walked inside.
Once inside, Furman was shocked to see a number of males attempting to organize to a wet T-shirt contest. When she attempted to discuss the matter with one of the organizers, he promptly stated that he "just wanted to see some titties" before proceeding to high-five every male in his immediate vicinity.
Upon witnessing a few more "overt actions of subjugation," Furman decided that she "had suffered enough epistemic violence" and needed to go home in order to "theoretically reflect on the metanarratives of the night."
Other partygoers had more mixed reactions. "Obviously, a lot of stuff that goes on at these parties is completely gross and demeaning," said Ellen Stevens '11, "But in all honesty, does anyone actually understand what that girl is saying? I mean, you've got to wonder whether she's really saying. well. anything."
When questioned on her experience at the party, Sophie Jacobson '12 remarked, "the party was. like .totally fffffunn. I mean, you know, oh my god! Did I hook up with Jake? Wait, Caroline, did I hook up with Jake? Oh my god. shit."
When asked for a response to Furman's criticisms, Thete brother John "The Wifebeater" Thomson said that while he " was way too fucked up to remember, but, I mean, she (Furman) wasn't even speaking, like, English. right?" John later added that while Elizabeth came off as "kind of a bitch," she was still "totally bangable."
In a press conference the next morning, Gender Studies Program Chair Rosemary Wilkinson condemned the "indescribable setback that the event last night has caused for the movement towards gender equality."
Wilkinson then declared a "day of silence in honor of the multitudes of brave women who triumphed over seemingly insurmountable obstacles in last's night orgy of oppression, such as the destruction of the feminine gaze, the loss of feminine individuality, the reduction of the woman to subaltern status, and the loss of several BlackBerrys."
