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In an effort to distinguish himself within the horde of freshmen, Nick Lear '13 has decided that simple academic or athletic success is too trivial for him. Instead, Lear aims to achieve his place in Brown University lore by becoming a cautionary tale for years of future students.
"Well, it was pretty hard for me to come to this decision," Lear said of his new-found goal. "Honestly, I was aiming pretty low before I got here. I though just being a lovable goofball would be enough to get me noticed. But as soon as I set foot on this campus, and saw the high caliber of the student body, I knew I would have to push myself further than I ever had before."
As soon as he came to this decision, Lear knew he had his work cut out for him. "Even though I began to appreciate the magnitude of idiocy I would have to achieve, I still couldn't figure out which direction my senselessness would have to take. Did I want to be that kid who drank way too much and threw up all over his room every morning? Or did I want to be the person who would always go into other people's rooms and mooch the food that their parents had just sent them? Or even bolder, would I have to become that guy who would awkwardly hit on every girl in the dorm until he was too embarrassed to show his face in the hallway? Would that make me memorable?"
The answer soon became all too clear to Lear.
"After a few days here, I realized that if I truly wanted to be remembered, I'd have to excel in literally every area of stupidity and douchebaggery. It was the only way. "
Still, the work did not come as easy as Lear expected it would. "Back in high school, all I had to do was drink Keystones until I passed out with my shoes on and people would say, 'Damn, I don't want to end up like that kid'. Nowadays, I have to work day in, day out if I'm going to get noticed. It's a lot tougher than I expected."
Since arriving at Brown, Lear has already worked up an impressive resume of dim-witted debauchery. In only two weeks, the freshman has managed to miss 17 classes, with 8 of those absences being caused by hangovers. In addition, he has humiliated himself in front of 12 girls in his hall, been caught 4 times by DPS with marijuana, and made racially insensitive comments to 7 different minority groups.
"Dude needs to chill the hell out," said Max Andrews '12. The RC has reportedly walked in on Lear taking shots of vodka as early as 10 in the morning, as well as making awkward sexual advances towards girls while returning from the shower in only a towel. "Honestly, if he doesn't learn how to control himself soon, I can't imagine he'll be allowed back here next year."
"I'm not too worried about coming back," Lear said in response to his RC's comments. "As long as my reputation as a complete dumbass outlives me, I'll be happy."
Lear was forced to cut the interview short, due to his need to start pre-gaming for a party scheduled to start in a week and a half.
"I'm hoping to hook up with this girl who's best friends with my roommate, so I have to start early. She's also got these weird sores on the mouth, so I'm hoping that those things, in combination with the awkward tension this will create with my roommate, will make for a truly regrettable night that will be passed down in freshman lore for years to come. If I wake up in the morning to an itching pain in my balls, I'll know I'm one step closer to making my dreams come true."
