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Matt Carter '08 was shocked last Wednesday when, on a trip to the Rockefeller Library, he inadvertently stumbled upon Academy Award-winning actor Sean Connery. Carter, an admittedly amateur library user, was "looking for a quiet place to study" when he turned a corner and found himself face to face with one of the sexiest men in the world.
"I'm not really sure where I was," said the surprised and still-somewhat-shaken-up Carter. "I sort of just jammed on the buttons in the elevator, and then when the doors opened I got out to look for a desk to get some reading done away from my obnoxious roommate."
What, he found, however, was not a row of desks and ergonomically designed chairs with superb lumbar support, but the library's massive incinerator, a feature utilized by very few students. When questioned about the cost efficiency of such a piece of equipment, library officials refused to comment, but Dean of the College Katherine Bergeron adamantly defended what she called "a useful research tool without which our library would be grievously under-equipped."
When Carter left the elevator on floor B-11-01-V, he immediately noted the extreme heat, and as he searched for a place to study, he described hearing a series of "increasingly loud whooshing sounds." hese were, he soon discovered, the arbitrarily placed flame jets which Dean Bergeron calls a "necessary part of any research institution." As Carter stood in awe of the massive piece of unnecessary machinery, Mr. Connery rolled out from between the deadly jets and looked up into Mr. Carter's face, saying, in a voice that would make anyone swoon, "Welcome to the Rock."
Carter reports not remembering the exact sequence of events following this, but he does remember telling Mr. Connery that he was doing his best to find a place to study, after which he was told that "losers always whine about 'their best.' Winners go home and fuck the prom queen." Then, while trying to figure out what was meant by this, Carter was slapped in the mouth two times in quick succession. After a disjointed conversation punctuated by such acts of violence, Sean Connery covered his face with a balaclava and rolled back into the huge, flesh-searingly hot jets of flame, saying he was "bored.
After the encounter, Carter was unable to focus his mind and study, and so went back to his room to relax, where he watched The Rock with his roommate and noticed nothing odd.
