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The University of Pennsylvania will be relocated to Long Island in mid-2009, according to a press release issued by its President, Amy Gutmann.
"Faced with large numbers of kvetching mothers of students from Long Island, I have decided to take the University of Pennsylvania out of Pennsylvania," said Gutmann. "The concerns of these parents have led me to realize that, as almost everyone who goes here is from Long Island, I should just move the University, to make it more convenient."
The announcement has been generally well received by students and parents alike. Ellen Goldstein, a Long Island mother of two UPenn students, said, "I'm so excited by this news. Now it won't be such a pain in the tuchus for my kids to schlep home for Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur."
Sarah Schwartz, a Long Island sophomore at the University, proclaimed, "This is amazing. Now I'll be able to get my nails done at my own place and order the same chopped salad I used to eat in high school at my favorite
deli, like, all the time."
After its spring semester,the University will be moved to a series of strip malls on Long Island. The President's Office will be located between a diner and a bagel store, the Daily Pennsylvanian reported.
"I know some people may be disappointed that the University will no longer be located in this historical city, Philadelphia, the city of Benjamin Franklin," said Dr. Dennis DeTurck, UPenn's Dean of the College. "But Long Island is becoming the cultural mecca of the modern world. It is, after all, the birthplace of such illustrious figures as Jerry Seinfeld, Mariah Carey, and Lindsay Lohan. Why shouldn't it be the new home of our university?"
