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As he examined the Verney-Woolley dessert table on Thursday, Alan Alda '11 hesitated, and picked his poison. He took a bite of the innocuous-looking baked item, which the information card called a "Polynesian cookie," and chewed. A moment later, cookie chunks flew from his mouth as he struggled to articulate his emotions.
"What the maverick?" he cried. "This is some serious Polynesian bullshit." This is just one of many similar confectionery catastrophes reported by V-Dub diners in the past month that have cumulatively lead to the use of the term "Polynesian" as a synonym for "offensive."
Alda, no relation to the actor and sometime director of the acclaimed television series "M*A*S*H," was one of many students disappointed by the cookie who have taken to slighting the Polynesian community for its shortcomings.
Students conversing on Wriston Quad at 12:30 a.m. Friday morning were overheard describing the quality of the Phi Psi beer as "too Polynesian even for pong." Earlier in the day, a student described her Near Asian Studies professor's facial hair with similar disgust. "He has this long black mustache that hangs off the sides of his face. It's so Polynesian." Her friends, far from appalled by the derogatory remark, nodded and kept walking.
Tricia Phyung '11, a Brown sophomore and authentic Polynesian, said early Saturday morning, "I really don't care." When pressed to describe her feelings on the serious insult to her heritage, she said, "No, really, I don't give a crap."
In the meantime, the rest of the Polynesian community is searching for answers. "Well, if you already talked to my sister, then you pretty much have the Polynesian consensus," said Mark Phyung '12, Tricia's younger brother. "Plus, Alan Alda's kind of a douche anyway."
Neither President Ruth Simmons nor the V-Dub kitchen staff have issued formal statements. However, students may have noticed a bountiful collection of Polynesian scraps out back where a party of squirrels have been spotted wining and dining.
Although the cookie did not make a return appearance at dinner, the repercussions of the event are far from over. A lecture hosted by the Watson Institute for International Studies this Monday is entitled "Hawaii and the Shortcomings of Polynesian Industry."
This reporter, for one, will not be in attendance.
