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The Brown Noser

Off Campus (Oct 31 2025 issue)

Bed Bath And Beyond Really Not Recognizing Full Potential Of “Beyond” | Oct 31 2025

Recent reports from the retail sector indicate that Bed Bath and Beyond is really not recognizing the full potential of the word “Beyond.” “They could be selling food, designer clothing, the concept of time, any kind of fuel, clockwork machines, just to name a few examples,” said industry expert Heathcliff Jenkins.

Sheep Convinced Shepherd Only Likes Him for His Wool | Oct 31 2025

Area sheep Shawn has recently come forward with concerns that his shepherd and thought-to-be best friend Gary MacDonald actually only likes him for his luscious, cream-colored coat. “At first, he really had me convinced-” started Shawn, baa-ing from anger between almost every word.

Department Of Mysterious Threats Recommends Walking Away And Forgetting This Ever Happened | Oct 31 2025

Earlier today, the Department of Mysterious Threats issued a recommendation to walk away and forget this ever happened. “Our department advises that you pretend that this was all a bad dream and forget what you saw here,” said department spokesperson Casey Shein, laying a gun on the podium before continuing.

Optimistic Nurse Uses Every Flatline As Learning Opportunity | Oct 31 2025

Local ICU nurse Jennifer Drachman has been praised by colleagues for her unshakable positivity as she continues to treat each patient flatline as, in her words, “a valuable growth moment.” “I just love code blues,” said Drachman, with eyes bright and voice trembling with enthusiasm, as she accidentally silenced the heart monitor.

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