Angels first baseman Albert Pujols is widely expected to miss the rest of the season, due to the total failure of all his major organs. Team sources speculated that the thirty-two-year-old veteran’s injury could be chalked up to overexertion, or possibly to a bus crashing into an apartment building while he was on it. “Can you believe this bum?” asked Angels talk radio personality Mike Mittleman rhetorically. “They’re not paying him two hundred forty million dollars to sit on his ass in a box under the ground as his body decomposes. That’s the exactly opposite of what they’re paying him for.” As of press time, Red Sox ownership reiterated that their trade offer of Alfredo Aceves still stood.

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